Keep Calm And...?

What y'all here in blogland don't know is that I've been a fairly hermitted person for the last 8-9 months. I didn't completely lock myself away, but enough that some people haven't seen me in all that time and I live 20-25 minutes from them. It's strange to think that I haven't seen some people since 2013.

Before that, I was the social butterfly. There was always something I was doing or people I was going to see. Idk, the Ex kinda ruined that in a lot of ways. I got pushed so deep into my depression that it honestly didn't feel like it had been that long apart from people. Time meant very little to me.

Most people talk about a light at the end of a tunnel. Well, I'm there. Being blinded by the light, sounds, colors, noises, people. It's a bit overwhelming to the woman who's been mainly inside of depression for the last 12 years. I'm working on adjusting though. I've been out twice in past couple of weeks to larger social functions. They were fun. I'm even planning a little bbq party at my place in a few weeks.

Idk...

It's been a long week. An emotionally wrought one at that. Everyone tells me I'm strong because I've endured so much and I'm still functioning. I'd like to petition to whatever higher power that is listening: Can I get a break? For a little while? Please?

Give me a few months where I don't have to be this fortress that endures. But I know better.

So I'm going to try to follow Rogue's advice:

Yes, yes to all the chocolate

Good starting place

:-D

Odds and Nevers

I've been hesitant to talk about my feelings about...him...with anyone. Not even my therapist. I'm trying to adjust to how things are now. Trying to be the best friend, and not the grieving ex.

He doesn't really get it, this soul crushing sadness. I think he takes it as an insult to what was and what still is. How do I begin to explain how deeply the loss cuts at me when he doesn't view the events in the same light?

To know that the odds are I'll never see him flash that sadistic smile my way again. Nor have him pull me close and sooth all the aches. Never feel pinned beneath his gaze as he tells me that I'm his. Knowing the butterflies in my stomach that I still get every time we're together aren't going to be soothed.

That a shared secret desire, spoken while hovering over my phone, in a chinese restaurant a stone's throw from where I spent my childhood...is never going to happen.

One of the things I treasure most is a poem he wrote me for my birthday.

The ache is so deep because these were the bright spots of my life. They make me smile, even now as tears are running down my cheeks. He'll be the standard against which all other men will be measured. The day may even come when "it's not him" won't be running through my mind.

And it hurts because I'm coming to terms with the idea that these things will never happen again. Not maybes, or perhaps.

He'd say "never say never", but he'd follow it up with "I can't promise you anything either."

Realizing he changed his mind about me hurts more than words can express. He once told me that I was everything he'd ever wanted and been searching for. I know that's no longer the case.

How is it not supposed to hurt? He may claim that this was a friendship with a little bit more added on. But I call bullshit. I know all of you will. My therapist does. My friends are outright baffled. Not just by the fact that things ended, but how he claims he viewed us.

Maybe towards the end that's all I was to him. But it wasn't always that way. I'm coming to terms with that too because I had no idea.

He'll want to talk about this and I just don't have it in me. I'll survive this. I'll wrap it up neatly and put it on a mental shelf. One day it won't hurt so much. And even though he'll know, I won't let the grief show.

Because I can't lose his friendship too. Seeing him smile, listening to him talk about his passions, being a support and a confidant is worth more to me than any pain I feel.

Good thing I'm a masochist...

Some much needed fun

So I had a friend over this weekend, and as we were laying in bed last night getting ready to sleep, I started rambling. Coherent rambling, but yeah. We were talking about D/s, as he's vanilla...ish?

Anyway, I was describing the difference between those who are sexually adventurous in the bedroom and those of us who are crazy enough to weave power exchange into our everyday lives. In my social circle, we're all kinky. These are well known, read, hashed out topics. But with a vanilla? All of it has to be explained.

It was an interesting experience for me as I was able to voice a lot of my opinions of power exchange and kink that I haven't thought about in years. I hit upon some very core ideals and desires for any future relationship. I'll have to mentally play with and sort out those ideas some more. Jot them down somewhere a little more private. See how I feel about them in a few months.

Lots of interesting thoughts going on, even invading my dreams as of late. Bringing forward all that which I would rather ignore at the moment. Guess I'll need to add those onto my list.

Regardless, it was a fun weekend. I look forward to seeing where this friendship will go. Yes, the guy from the party lol. It's a lot of fun and I need that. Even my therapist says I need it.

But he's not...ya know. He's got potential, but my will is stronger. It'd never work.

So for now, I'll have some fun, figure out myself in the process.