A Night On The Town

During my friend's bachelorette party, we ended up at this one bar. There was music playing so we figured we'd drink, dance, and have some fun. We're not the bar or club type of people. I hadn't gone dancing in years. I left that behind early on in college.

I was reminded why I don't go to places like that or really hang out with those kind of people. They are kids. I'm not talking about actual age. I'm sure a number of them were older than me. But it reminded me of middle school and high school. I people watched and honestly? I had quite a few laughs that evening.

For one, at the girls who are obviously straight and grinding up on each other. All to get the attention of some guys...Yeah okay. So what's a kinky, pansexual woman going to? Dance with another woman like I'm fucking her on the dance floor as I bite her shoulder. My friend enjoyed the hell out of it too, lol!!!

I had another laugh at the guys who were trying to get the attention of the girls who were obviously trying to get the attention of the guys but had no interest in going home with them. That's fucking hilarious. Then there were the slightly awkward and adorable guys who had no idea what to do when a woman actually wanted to dance with them. Yep, I go for the nerdy guys who got dragged along with their friends. The one was wearing a captain america t-shirt. It was so cute how out of place he was.

What really made me laugh was all the games that they were playing, guys and girls, back and forth. It's makes me so fucking glad to be kinky and not really around "regular society people" much. If I wanted to go out with someone, or wanted to play, or have sex, do you know what I'd do? Tell them. Ask. Talk about it.

As much as I cringe sometimes at how much attention I get, how often people want in my pants, I'm grateful about how they go about it. None of the dumb games people play. And yeah, I get a lot of interest and attention. I'm not on the market or looking either. In the last several months, a lot of people have been interested in relationships, play, friends with benefits, dating, all sorts of things. I've turned every one of them down.

I'm not interested in dealing with other people's bullshit and idiosyncrasies. But after the weekend, I am so glad I'm kinky and in my community. "No" and "not interested" means something and is respected. I'd rather the interest from kinky people any day and having to deal with that than the outright equally hilarious and horrifying games the rest of the world plays.

We really should have gone to the gay bar instead. It would have been way more fun, hahaha! 

What a Month

I really shouldn't be allowed to post anything until a month after any head injury. Seriously, the last month has been insane. A knee injury, concussion, an arm injury. Just as it looked like I was in the clear, a damn cold buggers in and I'm fighting off a fever while on heavy duty pain meds. Probably a good thing I've been so busy lately or y'all would have gotten some very interesting posts.

So what have I been up to? (refers to calendar cuz the memory isn't so hot atm) Let's see. A friend came to visit for a couple days last week. Had a friend over for lunch. The same friend helped me move a kitchen hutch that was delivered over the weekend. Spending time with Lisa every week. Added a new friend to the weekly lineup. She got me addicted to Color Me Mine. We've been spending quite a bit of time there. Went to dinner with friends on last Friday night.

Two doctor visits. The second was useless. I'm fed up with my primary doctor because he won't listen. I wanted a referral to a neurologist that would work well with my primary doctor's office. Nope, he completely bypassed that. I'm done with doctors who won't listen. I'll find my own neurologist. Plus the primary doc insulted my chiropractor and dismissed my therapist...the only two medical professionals who have ever helped me...

Not a whole lot of free time. What little of it I've had has been spent resting and sleeping. I don't know where most of the last couple of weeks went. Head injuries suck. And while I love not hurting on tramadol, I like being able to think and remember things. I need something in between ibuprofen and tramadol. Somehow I doubt that exists, or if it does, I'm allergic to it. Good times.

Things slow down in a couple of weeks, thankfully. I have to make it through a bachelorette party that the bride stepped in to put me in charge of a couple days ago. The maid of honor being a total bitch to the bride's mom will do that. Then get through the wedding. After that, I've got nothing major going on until Thanksgiving at my house, the Saturday before.

At the very least, I'm busy enough that I think the depression went back into hiding. Either that or I'm too tired to properly tell.

The past creeping in

We had a fight the other day because of what I posted. It's no longer up, but basically I was upset over something he posted. Livid, even. Irrationally so...

Yet, understandably?

Years ago, I had two friends, best friends even. I told them everything. I was in love with both of them. I dated the one briefly. The other, we dated for a year and half. I used to spend hours on the phone with one of them every night.

It's not like now. Where people have to claw and dig for every inch. I freely shared who I am, my thoughts, my passions. Everything that caught my interest and made me happy. They knew me in ways no one else ever has.

Not even with Steve. Even after everything, the bonds I shared with them (and one other, my best female friend)...they were my family. I stood by their sides through the good and the bad. For years they did the same for me.

Until it all crashed down around me. One of those guys is the one who raped me. The other guy crushed and broke my heart repeatedly for two years after we had split up. On top of that, he never believed that I was raped. That was a special sort of hell for a long time.

I've kept everyone far away from me ever since. No one was going to hurt me like that ever again. Those feelings mellowed over the years. But as the depression had faded away, those unresolved issues came back to the forefront. Those transferred to Steve because he has always reminded me of them. Because he sees me like they did. Calls out my bullshit the same ways. Helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life.

I know I've been waiting for him to hurt me. That's not fair. He's not them. Does he make mistakes? Yep. Deep down, I know he'd never intentionally hurt me. He actually wants to be around. He's one of my best friends. I'm one of his. I'm not being used or played, no matter what anyone else or my mind may tell me. And...well people are talking. They're worried about me. Wondering if Steve is up to something sketchy. I could only hear it so many times before I eventually started to wonder myself. After all, it had happened before. Why would he be any different?

That's where all of my not writing is coming from. All the crying. All the pain and anger. Everything that has been pushing Steve and anyone else I cared about away. I fell right back into old habits. No one could hurt me if I kept everyone away from me, didn't let them get close. It's not fair to Steve or anyone else.

The depression came back about a month ago. I tried to tell people. I even wrote a little about it here. But no one saw it or would listen. So I wrapped myself back up in it. Those dark, twisted, lying thoughts made everything much, much worse. I thought he was screwing with me and I'd had enough.

Thankfully he didn't give me up on me. He told me we've been though too much to throw it all away now. He's right. I say he's one of my best friends. It's time I started acting like it. Take the leap to be vulnerable, truly, because that's what friendship means. Letting someone in to see all of you, the good and bad.