Surprises

Sometimes we hold onto the past, cling to it like it's the air we need to breathe. And by "we", I mean I do that. I know I can't be the only one though. At times, it's to salvage whatever is lingering from the past. Others, the loss is staggering and inescapable. Or feeling the comfort of knowing that only the past can bring, even if there is pain. How it all turns out is known, but it eats away at hope, at sanity.

I met friends of Lisa's today. A cute couple that I immediately liked, even if the trip was somewhat long and exhausting. We talked about current public schools compared to when we were children. How it seems they've forgotten or given up on teaching kids. We talked about history and cultural differences when it comes to faith and marriage. It was fantastic connecting with people with whom conversation was that easy. Intelligent people who wanted to have conversations of value...where has that been in my life lately?

I love my kinky friends, but that substance is missing most of the time. Definitely need to fix that.

It's been hard for me to stay in the present. I think that maybe it's always been this way. I never noticed it until Sir pointed it out. Today was a wake up call to being here and not locked away in the memories. You'd think it would be any number of other things and people in my life. But the surprise of meeting refreshingly honest and friendly people touched me deeper than anything else ever could.

I used to do that all the time. It drove my parents insane when I was younger. Adults always want their adult time with adult conversations, far away from the kids. I was the type who'd engage those my own age into intriguing conversations and, the adults overhearing our conversation, would join in. It's really my mother's own fault given that we watched the news and talked politics over dinner every night.

That continued as I grew into adulthood, but somewhere I got lost. I wrapped up on myself and hid from the world. If I had to take a guess, I'd say the Ex had a lot to do with that. The Ex was a terrible and destructive presence to my life. Since then I've tried to pull myself back out of my self-imposed imprisonment. Today though, something was found.

There's the inner strength to do what needs to be done, and to do what makes me happy. Today, I don't feel broken for the first time in years.

In a Rut

I'm in one of those ruts where I don't know what to write about. I haven't written in a while, so it's easy to not write. Then it feels like so much has happened and yet nothing at all important. I don't know where this year has gone. Though I've been saying it all year, it seems like it never slowed down enough for me to catch up to the present.

There's been heart aching depression with startling moments of clarity, only for the depression to surge back in. Riding that storm is a bit like a crazy roller coaster that you're not sure is ever going to end.

Isn't this supposed to be a kink blog? Or a relationship blog? Maybe both?

Sorry, I've got none of that for y'all. I haven't seen Sir in a month. Chris is maybe talking about getting together in January. I do see Lisa fairly regularly, but her and her hubby haven't been doing well lately. So, it's not like we've been having any fun I can talk about. Besides Lisa getting me addicted to the Wii. There's something wrong with that, after years of not liking any video games. Though I'm sure most "gaming people" wouldn't put the Wii in the same category.

The next month is going to be insanely busy. I'm looking forward to it all, don't get me wrong. But in some ways, I don't want any of it. I'll go out and be social though because it's good for me. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Maybe with the craziness of the next month I'll have something interesting to tell y'all about. Maybe I'll actually want to talk again.

Changing The Voices

"You're so mean when you talk about yourself.

You were wrong.

Change the voices in your head.

Make them like you instead."

This song has been stuck in my head, specifically those lyrics. Trying to hold onto them, as if keeping them close will keep out the demons.

I was good yesterday. Not so much today. I had a horrible dream. This woman we know...I like her but I don't trust her...she was there. She was holding a kitchen knife at one point, as she had been cutting something up. Then I noticed a change. Her behavior, body language became threatening. I managed to disarm her but she got a small cut on her hand. A little bit later in the dream, Sir confronted me. He said that He had asked her to keep an eye on me, make sure I wasn't violent. That the cut on her hand proved I was after I had "attacked" her. I tried to tell my side, so confused why He'd even think I was violent at all, but He wouldn't hear it.

My alarm went off this morning. It took me another two hours to get out of bed. I didn't want to move or think or do anything. So much for my good mood. There's a heaviness in me today. I'm so confused why I'd even have a dream like that. I know she's slightly crazy and that He'd never do anything like that.

It's why I've been thinking about the song above. How do you change your own mind to like you? Because I'm trying, I really am. Even after what looked like a few steps in the right direction, it's my mind dragging me back down. I don't know what to do with that.

The woman from my dream reminds me of a cousin of mine. She's only a year younger, one of my mom's sister's kids. They're cut from similar molds. There's even some physical resemblance too. I haven't seen my cousin in 10 years. I didn't realize there were long buried issues there but I guess...I guess there are. It would explain why, at times, I very much dislike this woman from our social circle. She deserves the lack of trust for her own actions. It's well known not to tell this woman anything unless you want everyone under the sun to know.

It all makes me think of a conversation Sir and I had over the weekend. Was it so bad when memories were buried? It feels worse than ever. The therapist warned me it would all come back. I knew the major events. Those I couldn't forget. But this crap? I left those parts of my life behind a decade ago. Let them be. Let me have my dreams back. I've always had odd dreams, but not like the past month. I've never wanted to avoid sleeping before; I do now.

I don't know if therapy is helping or making everything ten times worse. I don't know if being open, honest, vulnerable is doing more harm than good. I simply want some peace in my life. This doesn't feel like the way to get it. I never trusted therapy. I gave it a chance because of Sir. This is making a strong case for why I was right. I think it's opening up wounds better left closed and it's obviously not good for me.

Lost

It's been a long several weeks. My head is all out of sorts. Sir has become my rock over the last year but even He hasn't been able to get through too much. Eventually my mind will remember that He's my light, hopefully sooner rather than later. Yep, the depression is back and deeply set in.  *sighs*

The last time we were together, it didn't really go well either. He was distracted and it came off badly. We've since sorted it out but it's settled under my skin. It's become something else my mind can use against me. Not to mention that I've been flashing back and triggering again. This weekend just sucked. Between that and barely sleeping 5 hours every night, and taking care of a toddler, I would just really like to forget it all.

There's absolutely no kink going on. Not on Fetlife or groups or friends or Sir and I. Just completely devoid of kink. Devoid of sex. Though after this weekend, I don't think I even want to get off for a while.

I wish I had things to talk about, I really do. It's just so fucked up in my head that I can't even write informative posts. I have no interest in any of it. Curl up for a few weeks and see if the world looks a little brighter. I highly doubt it but maybe. Sir would say I need to be positive, that it would help. I'm simply not there.

So I'm sorry I don't have better things for y'all to read. I haven't even been keeping up with y'alls blogs either. I can't read about all the kink right now. It makes me sad, and believe me I don't need more of that. Maybe it'll be alright in time. Until then, I'll be lurking around now and then.