Thursday, November 7, 2013

Changing The Voices

"You're so mean when you talk about yourself.
You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head.
Make them like you instead."

This song has been stuck in my head, specifically those lyrics. Trying to hold onto them, as if keeping them close will keep out the demons.

I was good yesterday. Not so much today. I had a horrible dream. This woman we know...I like her but I don't trust her...she was there. She was holding a kitchen knife at one point, as she had been cutting something up. Then I noticed a change. Her behavior, body language became threatening. I managed to disarm her but she got a small cut on her hand. A little bit later in the dream, Sir confronted me. He said that He had asked her to keep an eye on me, make sure I wasn't violent. That the cut on her hand proved I was after I had "attacked" her. I tried to tell my side, so confused why He'd even think I was violent at all, but He wouldn't hear it.

My alarm went off this morning. It took me another two hours to get out of bed. I didn't want to move or think or do anything. So much for my good mood. There's a heaviness in me today. I'm so confused why I'd even have a dream like that. I know she's slightly crazy and that He'd never do anything like that.

It's why I've been thinking about the song above. How do you change your own mind to like you? Because I'm trying, I really am. Even after what looked like a few steps in the right direction, it's my mind dragging me back down. I don't know what to do with that.

The woman from my dream reminds me of a cousin of mine. She's only a year younger, one of my mom's sister's kids. They're cut from similar molds. There's even some physical resemblance too. I haven't seen my cousin in 10 years. I didn't realize there were long buried issues there but I guess...I guess there are. It would explain why, at times, I very much dislike this woman from our social circle. She deserves the lack of trust for her own actions. It's well known not to tell this woman anything unless you want everyone under the sun to know.

It all makes me think of a conversation Sir and I had over the weekend. Was it so bad when memories were buried? It feels worse than ever. The therapist warned me it would all come back. I knew the major events. Those I couldn't forget. But this crap? I left those parts of my life behind a decade ago. Let them be. Let me have my dreams back. I've always had odd dreams, but not like the past month. I've never wanted to avoid sleeping before; I do now.

I don't know if therapy is helping or making everything ten times worse. I don't know if being open, honest, vulnerable is doing more harm than good. I simply want some peace in my life. This doesn't feel like the way to get it. I never trusted therapy. I gave it a chance because of Sir. This is making a strong case for why I was right. I think it's opening up wounds better left closed and it's obviously not good for me.

1 comment:

  1. It is hard isn't it? I don't think you can change that voice in your head ... I think that you have to learn to recognize it for what it is (inner demon maybe) and try to master it. I am living proof that is doesn't always work, but for the most part I can make it reside quietly deep within & be happy with my lot. When it is bad, *sighs* that is the hard part. You just sort of have to ride it out. Try to learn to accept outside help -like wonderful young ladies telling you they would "do you" , for example. ;)
    I know I don't really know you but we are kindred spirits of sorts. And I have seen the positive that the therapy has brought to you, even if you cannot. Just trust your instincts, & try not to let the demons influence you too much. If nothing else hopefully therapy has taught you some coping mechanisms that you can take with you?