Sometimes we hold onto the past, cling to it like it's the air we need to breathe. And by "we", I mean I do that. I know I can't be the only one though. At times, it's to salvage whatever is lingering from the past. Others, the loss is staggering and inescapable. Or feeling the comfort of knowing that only the past can bring, even if there is pain. How it all turns out is known, but it eats away at hope, at sanity.
I met friends of Lisa's today. A cute couple that I immediately liked, even if the trip was somewhat long and exhausting. We talked about current public schools compared to when we were children. How it seems they've forgotten or given up on teaching kids. We talked about history and cultural differences when it comes to faith and marriage. It was fantastic connecting with people with whom conversation was that easy. Intelligent people who wanted to have conversations of value...where has that been in my life lately?
I love my kinky friends, but that substance is missing most of the time. Definitely need to fix that.
It's been hard for me to stay in the present. I think that maybe it's always been this way. I never noticed it until Sir pointed it out. Today was a wake up call to being here and not locked away in the memories. You'd think it would be any number of other things and people in my life. But the surprise of meeting refreshingly honest and friendly people touched me deeper than anything else ever could.
I used to do that all the time. It drove my parents insane when I was younger. Adults always want their adult time with adult conversations, far away from the kids. I was the type who'd engage those my own age into intriguing conversations and, the adults overhearing our conversation, would join in. It's really my mother's own fault given that we watched the news and talked politics over dinner every night.
That continued as I grew into adulthood, but somewhere I got lost. I wrapped up on myself and hid from the world. If I had to take a guess, I'd say the Ex had a lot to do with that. The Ex was a terrible and destructive presence to my life. Since then I've tried to pull myself back out of my self-imposed imprisonment. Today though, something was found.
There's the inner strength to do what needs to be done, and to do what makes me happy. Today, I don't feel broken for the first time in years.