Where to even begin? The last few weeks have felt like months. I've been up and down and all over the place. The depression came back something awful, and through a series of very odd events, is no longer even around. I still have no idea what to make of any of that...
I just almost called him "sir"...that's mildly annoying. The whole thing. *sigh* I have no idea what to call him on here anymore.
So, my therapist thought it might be a good idea if we went in to talk things over. Bring my therapist up to speed, from both perspectives. Help us sort things out.
In the beginning of this blog, there was this post followed by this other post. In the latter, I wrote that our communication problems would likely be the story of this blog. Turns out I was right. It's not often I get to say that.
We are still talking past each other. Not communicating as we should be. Him not telling me about things that were bothering him. And I guess I never made it clear how much he meant to me...
Before ending things a few weeks ago, he had this idea that we were friends with a small romantic/physical interest on the side. Like 90% friendship, 10% romance. It's why he thought I would take the ending of the romantic/physical side of things decently well. He didn't expect it to shatter the ground beneath me.
Maybe I don't say it enough. Maybe because I felt like he never wanted to hear it.
But he was my everything. I would have given everything up for a chance at a long term, intimate, throw all caution to the wind relationship. He was the center of my romantic life. I had been considering monogamy for him.
The very idea of that scares me. I grew up like most girls wanting prince charming, albeit a more devious version. But my interests were always varied and fleeting. I gave up trying to find "the one" by not depending on one person to be everything I'd always been looking for. I didn't believe I would ever find someone who would make everything and everyone else dull in comparison.
Yep. I knew not long after I started this blog. It's all there in my second post. That fear? I can still taste it. I finally found the one person who stole my breath and made the world disappear. And I fought it every single step of the way. Because if it didn't work, if I fell for him, oh god it would kill me. It'd be taking all the color out of the world. It's not hard to see why the depression took hold of me so quickly.
He told me that I'd move on. There are plenty of people out there, better people than him. Nope. It doesn't matter. They aren't him. He is the only one who being away from is physically painful. When I'm with other people, all I can think of is him. Having a scene with someone else? It's not him. And as the months went by, the less I was interested in even playing with others.
I was stupid. I didn't let him know. I punished him by continuing to play with other people because I couldn't have everything I wanted from him. Because I was so damn afraid of finding one person who made the world right, who saw past everything to the woman I am at my core.
I didn't lose a lover. I lost a part of me. And I was so stubborn that I couldn't let him know, couldn't let him see just how much he meant to me. How much he will always mean. Let's face it. Chances of finding someone like that ever again is pretty slim. After having someone that amazing in my life, no one could ever compare.
Maybe he's right. That I need time to be me for a while. No relationships. No emotional obligations. Just me. I've never really gone without being in a relationship, not for long anyway. Someone new always showed up and I dove into it to ease a broken heart.
This isn't broken. This is missing. My heart stopped being mine a while ago. It may be too late, but that's the truth of it. I can't give my heart to someone else when it belongs to him. Monogamy isn't a choice when it comes to that man. It's the inevitable.
Those are the words I've been avoiding for over a year now. I guess it's time to make them known.