Sunday, June 29, 2014

Inevitable...Expanded Edition

It occurred to me that to those who aren't in my mind (everyone who isn't me, lol...and occasionally him), my last post might not make sense in the context of everything I've written about previously. Polyamory and a monogamous relationship do seem like two conflicting ideas.

Truth is that they aren't. If you break the word polyamory apart, in its greek and latin mix, it literally means "many" and "love". The word is applied to those in multiple committed relationships but it's not an exclusive use of the word.

Being polyamorous is like having green eyes, which I do in fact have. Yes, it's a part of me, but neither of those things define me. I can't stand being a brunette so I dye my hair red. I'm still a brunette, but I have the choice not to be.

I will always love multiple people. There is no getting around that. I still feel an ache over the loss of my first boyfriend; that was 14 years ago. I remember my first crush. His name was Matt and we were in 2nd grade. He was a "bad boy" which set the stage for liking guys who were...different. Every person that I have romantically liked or dated or loved, a part of that will always be alive.

I am very much in love with Chris and Lisa. I have loved Chris for years and I doubt that will ever change. Chances are I will fall in love with someone else, or more than one person, over the next several decades.

What will I do about all of that? Well, that is my choice. Whether I put "polyamorous" or "monogamous" in front of the word relationship is a choice I can make. I can't change who I fall in love with. That is a mysterious and wonderful concept that I don't even know how to begin to rationalize. Whether I act on feelings I have is up to me.

I've written before, somewhere, that I want to be accepted as polyamorous. What I mean by that is: I have this tendency to fall in love with people, whether I intended to or not. That doesn't change who I'm committed to and what my relationship structure is at that time.

Because really, do people think that I don't get flirted with and asked out and hit on all the time? I meet people regularly who catch my interest. But I've chosen not to do anything with or about those people. Sometimes it hurts because I want to have all the people that I desire. At the same time, I have to be realistic.

And it's in being realistic that a thought had been lingering under the surface for some time that I struggled with immensely. I never wanted to choose a monogamous relationship. I never wanted to put that much of myself into one relationship. Not the levels of trust, or being half of a whole. As stubborn as I am, I couldn't ignore what he did to me...what he still does.

It's like being in a room full of candles only for the roof to be taken off and the sun shine in. Oh those candles still exist. They don't diminish simply because the sun is there. In comparison though, they fade to the background.

That's what he does. What he's always done. But I kept sticking my head in the sand hoping it wouldn't always be that way. Except instead of the brightest fading, it got stronger. Until just being around other flames made me yearn for the brightest. That's why it was inevitable. Not because I don't love other people, I do, but it's not fair to them when my heart always wants him more.

That's the key factor in being polyamorous and choosing monogamy. I've said to him that "I would try monogamy." Why just try? Pride, vulnerability, fear. Take your pick. Maybe because I know there would be days when it would be hard. When the short term would seem more appealing than the long term. The fear that he would feel betrayed and wouldn't want to see it through. Any number of silly thoughts my mind can come up with.

The real secret is him. It's not a word choice that matters at the end of the day. It's about him. Shhhh, we can't let him know that he's super special like that. :-P

He may not exactly be thrilled that I'm writing about all of this right now. Oh well, lol. I don't want it to change anything, at least not for the next few months. I can call it being more open and expressive. Yeaaaah. Cuz we talked about that issue. So I'm claiming that this falls under that category.

*smiles innocently*

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