What a Month

I really shouldn't be allowed to post anything until a month after any head injury. Seriously, the last month has been insane. A knee injury, concussion, an arm injury. Just as it looked like I was in the clear, a damn cold buggers in and I'm fighting off a fever while on heavy duty pain meds. Probably a good thing I've been so busy lately or y'all would have gotten some very interesting posts.

So what have I been up to? (refers to calendar cuz the memory isn't so hot atm) Let's see. A friend came to visit for a couple days last week. Had a friend over for lunch. The same friend helped me move a kitchen hutch that was delivered over the weekend. Spending time with Lisa every week. Added a new friend to the weekly lineup. She got me addicted to Color Me Mine. We've been spending quite a bit of time there. Went to dinner with friends on last Friday night.

Two doctor visits. The second was useless. I'm fed up with my primary doctor because he won't listen. I wanted a referral to a neurologist that would work well with my primary doctor's office. Nope, he completely bypassed that. I'm done with doctors who won't listen. I'll find my own neurologist. Plus the primary doc insulted my chiropractor and dismissed my therapist...the only two medical professionals who have ever helped me...

Not a whole lot of free time. What little of it I've had has been spent resting and sleeping. I don't know where most of the last couple of weeks went. Head injuries suck. And while I love not hurting on tramadol, I like being able to think and remember things. I need something in between ibuprofen and tramadol. Somehow I doubt that exists, or if it does, I'm allergic to it. Good times.

Things slow down in a couple of weeks, thankfully. I have to make it through a bachelorette party that the bride stepped in to put me in charge of a couple days ago. The maid of honor being a total bitch to the bride's mom will do that. Then get through the wedding. After that, I've got nothing major going on until Thanksgiving at my house, the Saturday before.

At the very least, I'm busy enough that I think the depression went back into hiding. Either that or I'm too tired to properly tell.

The past creeping in

We had a fight the other day because of what I posted. It's no longer up, but basically I was upset over something he posted. Livid, even. Irrationally so...

Yet, understandably?

Years ago, I had two friends, best friends even. I told them everything. I was in love with both of them. I dated the one briefly. The other, we dated for a year and half. I used to spend hours on the phone with one of them every night.

It's not like now. Where people have to claw and dig for every inch. I freely shared who I am, my thoughts, my passions. Everything that caught my interest and made me happy. They knew me in ways no one else ever has.

Not even with Steve. Even after everything, the bonds I shared with them (and one other, my best female friend)...they were my family. I stood by their sides through the good and the bad. For years they did the same for me.

Until it all crashed down around me. One of those guys is the one who raped me. The other guy crushed and broke my heart repeatedly for two years after we had split up. On top of that, he never believed that I was raped. That was a special sort of hell for a long time.

I've kept everyone far away from me ever since. No one was going to hurt me like that ever again. Those feelings mellowed over the years. But as the depression had faded away, those unresolved issues came back to the forefront. Those transferred to Steve because he has always reminded me of them. Because he sees me like they did. Calls out my bullshit the same ways. Helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life.

I know I've been waiting for him to hurt me. That's not fair. He's not them. Does he make mistakes? Yep. Deep down, I know he'd never intentionally hurt me. He actually wants to be around. He's one of my best friends. I'm one of his. I'm not being used or played, no matter what anyone else or my mind may tell me. And...well people are talking. They're worried about me. Wondering if Steve is up to something sketchy. I could only hear it so many times before I eventually started to wonder myself. After all, it had happened before. Why would he be any different?

That's where all of my not writing is coming from. All the crying. All the pain and anger. Everything that has been pushing Steve and anyone else I cared about away. I fell right back into old habits. No one could hurt me if I kept everyone away from me, didn't let them get close. It's not fair to Steve or anyone else.

The depression came back about a month ago. I tried to tell people. I even wrote a little about it here. But no one saw it or would listen. So I wrapped myself back up in it. Those dark, twisted, lying thoughts made everything much, much worse. I thought he was screwing with me and I'd had enough.

Thankfully he didn't give me up on me. He told me we've been though too much to throw it all away now. He's right. I say he's one of my best friends. It's time I started acting like it. Take the leap to be vulnerable, truly, because that's what friendship means. Letting someone in to see all of you, the good and bad.

Heartache

Well, things are about to get incredibly vanilla around here. Not that they weren't already, but things will likely be that way for the foreseeable future.

We were talking Tuesday night. A lot has been on my mind lately and I just started saying some of it. "I accept friends is all we'll be from now on, but it's hard on me."  He didn't correct me. Further conversation hasn't changed that.

I knew he had already made up his mind. But he kept saying that we'd talk about it at a certain point. He should have said what was on his mind, because frankly he still hasn't outright said anything about it.

I think he expected me to have moved on by now. Sucks to be him, but I haven't. So it was something that needed to be said and I shouldn't have been the one to drag it out into the open when it was his choice.

Sooo, super vanilla stuff. And probably me being a mess every now and then. I'm not doing well. I'd argue that I haven't been doing well since everything in June. I had the tiniest ray of hope that I was clinging to, as much as I hate the idea of hope. Now that's gone.

People have told me in recent months that it seemed like I was more inclined for monogamy. The truth is it had nothing to do with monogamy or polyamory. It had everything to do with him. Which makes everything else going on in my life...interesting.

I don't think I can be with anyone right now. It's not fair to Chris or Lisa. I love them but deep down, they're not the ones I want. I'm not making any rash decisions as I know I'm not exactly thinking clearly. I do wonder if this has been a long time coming though. When all I can think about is him...

So yeah. I've got nothing. Except a lot of heartache and crying. Those I have in spades.

Burnt Out

I am burnt out. I feel like I've been going nearly nonstop since the beginning of July. I'm behind on house and yard work. I wanted to get more painting done. It's like I became social again and lost my ability to do anything else. I have to find a happy medium, somehow. I need down time.

All weekend I was falling apart. I was fine when around other people, but the moment I was alone I started crying my eyes out. Really bad mood swings of anger and loneliness and sadness, but no specific trigger.

Steve was the one who mentioned that I sounded burnt out. I was worried it was the depression coming back. But after the post that's sitting in my drafts...I am much angrier than I thought I was.

I am still angry with him. Hurt. Upset. Sad. Lonely...Angry. It physically hurts deep in my chest when I think about everything.

I realized that I don't trust him as I did before. I'm more reserved. There are things that I just don't talk about that I never would have hesitated over in the past.

One day at a time.

(Not) According to Plan

Nothing can ever go as planned.

About a month ago, I ordered new carpets for my second floor. Three bedrooms and a hallway. The installers were here yesterday. I get the "Ma'am, I need to show you something." Oh, that's never good. Turns out the hallway carpet had a hole in it. Right in the middle of the piece. Completely unusable. So it has to be reordered.

If that were it, I wouldn't be too bothered by it. Unfortunately, none of the doors upstairs fit anymore because the carpet is too thick. They won't open and close anymore, including a door to the upstairs porch. The doors have to be cut down an inch or so...

*twitch twitch twitch*

I had to ask a couple of friends if anyone had a circular saw. I don't and wouldn't trust myself using it anyway. Someone is asking about borrowing one from their father, so we'll see. Until then, not much I can do.

It's always something. At least the carpets look nice and are super squishy. I've been giggling watching my cats walk on them. They're not used to the squishy yet and they're walking like they're drunk or on a ship. It's the only humor in the situation I can find right now.

Other than that, Lisa and I are going to dinner and Steve's show tonight. It should be a lot of fun. Tomorrow, I get to spend time with a friend who has been in London for the last year. I've missed her so that should be fun too. Oh and wait, I get to do things on Sunday. A pampered chef party.

We're not done yet. Monday, a guy friend is coming over for lunch. Completely platonic friend. Tuesday, I'm going with Lisa to the dentist because she's terrified of them and won't do it on her own. Then Friday, Lisa and I are going pumpkin picking with the monster man. He's old enough to understand it now. Trick or treating is going to be adorable.

This is what my life has been like since I got back from visiting Chris in the summer. I need a week to chill and decompress but I don't think that will be happening until after the new year. I still have cleaning, yard work, cooking, and working to do in addition to all of that.

If nothing else, I have two volunteers to help me with yard work next year. One friend loves to garden and the other lives in an apartment, so she has no clue of what to do. I'll be teaching her about all that. There's something on the side I'm working on as well at the moment. Maybe more on that later.