Heartache

Well, things are about to get incredibly vanilla around here. Not that they weren't already, but things will likely be that way for the foreseeable future.

We were talking Tuesday night. A lot has been on my mind lately and I just started saying some of it. "I accept friends is all we'll be from now on, but it's hard on me."  He didn't correct me. Further conversation hasn't changed that.

I knew he had already made up his mind. But he kept saying that we'd talk about it at a certain point. He should have said what was on his mind, because frankly he still hasn't outright said anything about it.

I think he expected me to have moved on by now. Sucks to be him, but I haven't. So it was something that needed to be said and I shouldn't have been the one to drag it out into the open when it was his choice.

Sooo, super vanilla stuff. And probably me being a mess every now and then. I'm not doing well. I'd argue that I haven't been doing well since everything in June. I had the tiniest ray of hope that I was clinging to, as much as I hate the idea of hope. Now that's gone.

People have told me in recent months that it seemed like I was more inclined for monogamy. The truth is it had nothing to do with monogamy or polyamory. It had everything to do with him. Which makes everything else going on in my life...interesting.

I don't think I can be with anyone right now. It's not fair to Chris or Lisa. I love them but deep down, they're not the ones I want. I'm not making any rash decisions as I know I'm not exactly thinking clearly. I do wonder if this has been a long time coming though. When all I can think about is him...

So yeah. I've got nothing. Except a lot of heartache and crying. Those I have in spades.