Tuesday, December 13, 2016

I wonder if you'll ever read this

I remember. Oh yes, I remember. It's amazing what coming off of topamax does for mental clarity. There's a consensus topamax may be why I'm having taste issues. Regardless, no more clawing at concrete to find the simplest of words, to do math, and most importantly, remember.

How you told me about the trail of hearts broken and how they all ended up angry with you in the end. How people leave when your purpose to them is filled. How broken your heart was when we met and how I was the one to make you smile again. Why you hadn't dated and the reasons for it.

I remember telling you I was different. And I was. I am. I helped you heal. Soothed the wounds. Was the instrument to let out your pain and I would take it with joy. Allowed you to be what you wanted, needed to be...but I never forgot how that worked out in the end.

And how you said I was so you had been searching for your whole life. I remember the cold, the movie we saw, the whole conversation in the diner. I remember so clearly again.

How you said one day you'd cause me pain. I knew pain. I could always take that. I would have done it again and again and again because it's who I am. It's what makes me different.

I remember your fear of being in your current relationship and hurting her like you did me. Like the others. I couldn't fully assuage your doubts because I had them too. I still do.

But in this moment, I'm not angry. Just as I wasn't angry after things ended. I knew what I signed up for. Silly me, I'd likely do it all again knowing what it would mean. You never did understand what submission meant and how fully devoted I was, until the very very end. I would have stayed if you asked because you're my addiction.

I remember every step of how things got to that point. How I got there. You likely still think that I was happy being in a Catholic church again. No no no. I was happy to be with you and share something of my past, something that had such an impact, with you. I didn't have the heart to correct you at the time.

I remember and while my heart is breaking in ways you'll never comprehend, my mind is calm and focused. All the pieces are there, the questions answered.

I remember and that is enough.

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