Tuesday, December 20, 2016

My mind is being entirely unhelpful

It's 10pm and my phone goes off. A text. No one messages me at this hour. Not anymore. As my thumb is about to hit messages, I wonder for the briefest part of a second...

Lisa is asking about tomorrow and what time I'll be there.

And I'm angry, sad, and a bit confused why I would think for even the slightest amount of time possible that it would be him.

I thought the expectations had long passed.

I'm angry because I came across a song by chance that summed up perfectly why I made the right decision to walk away. "I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you" there's plenty more to the song but that right there was killing me and literally driving me insane.

It's apparently a remix of the original but I like this better. Everything she sings is what I've been feeling, though not in its entirety. But close enough to the whole.

It's strange to miss someone so much that the sound of a text message can evoke hope. Yet simultaneously want to watch their world burn and be the cause of it. I'm sure the Germans have a word for it; they have one for everything.

I didn't just leave for my sake. I tried to explain that at the time but he wouldn't listen. I doubt he thinks I'm capable of destroying him. If he truly believes that, more the fool.

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