Saturday, December 3, 2016

Resignation and Regrets

I wish I had never met Steve.

It's a thought that's been ruminating for some time. When I'm so angry that a flip switches and suddenly I'm aching and crying. Or when the anger and sadness intertwine into a flurry that my mind tries to escape from, but can't anymore. I come close to disassociating yet I believe because of how long I've been on klonopin, I can't.

Honestly, I can't say which is worse: disassociating or the flurry that threatens to consume me.

I'm angry that I need to grieve at all because he's not worth it. But I guess it's not really about him. I have all these memories and feelings that I need to reconcile and learn to live with. They will never truly leave me.

It's why I wish I had never met him and there are very few people on that list surprisingly.

I'm still recovering from the worst depressive episode of my life. Knowing I was going to kill myself in 2015, I've been busy dealing with all of that with my therapist. Taking apart the pieces that led me there and trying to make some sort of peace. Steve was a part of that. Not a large part, but one of the more recent pieces.

I wasn't of sound mind to process breaking up. Had things happened differently, maybe, but I can't change that. I was too busy trying to fight a much larger demon in my mind.

And in the end, I lost my friend anyway.

That's the thing, on my list of priorities, processing the breakup and end of the friendship isn't even on my top ten. I have day to day things, my health, my relationship with Frank, dealing with a ton of other issues in therapy.

Depression is a constant and even my best days, it's still there. That comes first or worse things will happen.

I will get to everything with Steve, little by little over time. But it's not going to look like how I guess I imagine most people process this kind of stuff. I've had bigger issues to worry about long before he and I ever met, and those continue to exist.

So I do; I wish he and I had never met but it's something I can't change. Which I realize is something I'll need to work on before acceptance begins. For now, I'm settling with resignation.

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