Feeling Conflicted

I was reading some old posts just now. I'm incredibly more jaded, though I had less reason to be. But I noticed something interesting upon my perusal. I'm not sure when this changed but a few years ago, not long after I returned to therapy, I referred to the man I see as "the therapist" and now it's "my therapist." Thought it was something of note to mention.

As for being jaded, it seems to be lessening as time passes. I haven't talked about it much, but I do miss the large social life I love had. I'm an extrovert and social butterfly. I don't regret the decisions I made regarding past friendships but it's a damn shame I had to lose basically everyone near me in the process.

I have no desire to go back to the kink scene. I have no patience for petty infighting nor being nice to people I dislike and/or don't respect. And when the chips fell as they did, no one reached out.

I desperately miss my friends from back home. People three hours away. I don't know, maybe if it's possible I'll move closer to them. Because a few people, there's nothing keeping me here.

Though sometimes I wish I were the type of person who could live in the middle of nowhere. My dream house has become a cottage or cabin in the woods. I'd live in a clearing but the woods would be all around me.

Conflicted is a good word to use for how I'm feeling. Different aspects of self wanting different things. That's not unusual for me though.

Kind of like my current feelings on therapy. Part of me can't wait to go back. There's so much to say that I have no other outlet for, at least not with another person. I don't believe journals count. The other part is satisfied with not stirring up everything in my mind on a weekly basis. It has been quieter and less panic inducing.

At this rate, it'll be 2018 by the time I'm able to return. I can understand my therapist not wanting to deal with the hassle of insurance companies, but I'm getting screwed over in the process. And knowing my mind, all of that is going to have an impact on if or when I return to therapy. Feeling abandoned is not something I'm great at coping with, in case someone missed that heh