Why does he always have to be right???

Maybe there is something to the whole "shininess."  Steve and I were talking about this before I went on vacation. He was trying to convince me that I'm special. He told me to look in the mirror and try to see myself from an outside perspective. Maybe then I'd see what everyone else sees.

I realized something. I would never, ever hold what has happened to people against them. Why would anyone do that to me? I would see their strengths and tenacity to endure. If someone went through any of the moments I'd been through, I'd give them hugs and tell them how amazing they are to have gotten through something like that.

And then, to not be jaded? To have empathy and sympathy for others, even after all that?

Okay, to be fair I can concede that point.

I am one of the friendliest, most welcoming people. I can make friends easily with extreme introverts who rarely ever make friends, which I did last week. There's something about me that people feel comfortable around me. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I can recognize that there is something there.

Apparently I'm fun to be around. I guess because I'm just being myself, I don't see the big deal. Idk?

Ya know, it's really frustrating when Steve is right. Because he's correct so much of the time. This is also me giving credit where it's due. Seeing myself from a different perspective has been helpful. There were other factors that poked me into looking, but it started with him. Just as most things start with him poking and prodding and being super helpful...absolutely frustrating.

I will keep listening to him because as much as he drives me crazy with how right he always is, he's only looking out for me. Wants the best for me. Even when he's not my Dom...it's still who he is and always will be. Whether he wants to admit it or not. With a parental attitude piled on top.

He'll never say it but this is exactly what he's thinking: "I know what's best for you, so you should just listen and do what I'm telling you already. You can thank me later."

It would be so maddening if I didn't actually end up thanking him for all the progress and pushing and growth. No, it's still maddening, but I can't exactly complain too much about it. Steve says I'm special and to look. I look and he's right. I'll probably be saying that again and again as new things come to mind.

It's a really good thing that I love him. :-P

Life Choices?

An interesting thought occurred the last time I was at therapy. There is no word or general understanding for: "People you are in love with, but with whom you do not share a sexual and/or romantic relationship."

I wouldn't count crush, as that isn't the right tone for the feelings. I think the above idea also explains me perfectly. I fall in love with people. I really just fall into that sort of thing, unintentionally.

Steve may have a valid point in that I want to give my everything to one person. Grrrr. I'm kind of agreeing and ignoring that point at the moment.

However that doesn't change the falling in love with people bit. Some people would say to call it friendship, but I have friends where the in-love part doesn't fit. Maybe there can't be an easy word for it or I need to invent one.

I'm honestly not going anywhere with this post. I don't have any answers right now. This is where I'm at with my thoughts. Monogamish?

Also, sorry for the lack of updating. I was with Chris. That's a whole other post unto itself.

Aaaaaaand going on a date before I went home. That was odd. Fun...odd...fun. Both? Yeah, with the guy from my friend's party. I was in the area so before I came home, we spent a few hours together. He returned the bite mark. That was amusing. It was nice to go out with someone and not have to worry about relationship stuff. Being 3 hours apart, I can't see it going anywhere...not that I'm even in an emotional place to have that anyway. But it was a fun evening, and I need a little more of that in my life.

As for me? Well, I'm no closer to an answer on anything. I'm really, really not. There are two paths, and over the last month, one of those has had very clear signs pointing to it. Then over the last week, the other path has been making itself known.

I'm a Libra, which means I like balance and dislike choices. I'm also not a huge fan of change...it upsets my balance. So when the Fates say "Choose one", I'm more likely than not going to stay exactly where I am.

Over the last week I was actually explaining a little bit about all of this. The joke that kept being repeated is that I'm the shiniest. I really wish that was a joke, on so many levels. I'm really not that shiny, except everyone and everything seems to think I am...

I realize that's not going to make a whole lot of sense. I don't think it's supposed to? Only that this really does make being a hermit seem more appealing. Yeah, an extroverted hermit. That'll last, lol. Especially since I'm supposed to be hanging out with people because I've been a hermit for far too long.

I have absolutely no answers and more questions. Ain't that the story of my life.

Promises

There was something I didn't tell y'all about last week, while I was gone. Mainly, because if I was going to tell anyone, it was going to be Steve. (I know, a name!! He said I could use his, so there you go.)

I made out with a guy. Apparently I also asked, while heavily intoxicated, him to stay the night with me. Thankfully this guy had enough common sense to not take me up on that.

But, I'm kinda beating myself up about it.

It feels like a betrayal. Of my feelings for Steve. More so of all the promises I made to myself recently. I haven't talked about those to anyone, which is maybe why I couldn't follow through. If no one knows, then I'm not accountable. This pesky guilt bit is new though. Self accountability???

Who would have ever thought? :-P

The promises I made to myself were as followed:

• Hit the pause button on all current relationships and for any new ones.
• Find more things that make me happy that aren't about making others happy.
• Process through all the emotions and thoughts that are going on, and are likely to continue for some time over the next few months.
• Figure out what the heck is going on spiritually in my life. (Seriously, it's been insane.)
• Pick a direction for my life, what I want out of it, who I want in it, etc.
• Set a goal for the next 6 months and work my ass off towards it.

I had already picked a goal too. I joined a gym recently. My goal is to lose 25 pounds and get in better physical health. And if I can get that weight off, I can see if I like me at that point, or if I want to lose a little more. I know my body well enough that I need to exercise regularly. I haven't been and I'm trying to fix that.

I haven't been writing outside of here in months. I couldn't even look at the words on the pages anymore. No pieces in stories were falling into place. About a week ago, I started writing again. It was really fun. There wasn't this sense of "work' that had been there for too long.

But in general, these are good promises to myself. They'll hopefully make for a better and happier me.

And I know it was just some flirting and some kissing. It's not that big of a deal in itself. The guy is fun and thinks I'm amazing. I've made a good friend, and I'm not thinking about anything more than that.

Steve said I learned a lesson. Don't drink so much. I see it as a personal failure. I don't do things in half measures, he knows that. If I promise I'm going to put romance and sexual expression on the back burner, then that's what I'm going to do. Except ya know, I didn't...

It's my mother's voice demanding perfection that has internalized into one of my voices. When I strive for perfection, I fail and it brings about a cycle of self-hate. Forgiving others is fairly easy. Forgiving myself? Not so much.

I guess I have a new addition to the list. "Learn to forgive myself."