I made out with a guy. Apparently I also asked, while heavily intoxicated, him to stay the night with me. Thankfully this guy had enough common sense to not take me up on that.
But, I'm kinda beating myself up about it.
It feels like a betrayal. Of my feelings for Steve. More so of all the promises I made to myself recently. I haven't talked about those to anyone, which is maybe why I couldn't follow through. If no one knows, then I'm not accountable. This pesky guilt bit is new though. Self accountability???
Who would have ever thought? :-P
The promises I made to myself were as followed:
- Hit the pause button on all current relationships and for any new ones.
- Find more things that make me happy that aren't about making others happy.
- Process through all the emotions and thoughts that are going on, and are likely to continue for some time over the next few months.
- Figure out what the heck is going on spiritually in my life. (Seriously, it's been insane.)
- Pick a direction for my life, what I want out of it, who I want in it, etc.
- Set a goal for the next 6 months and work my ass off towards it.
I had already picked a goal too. I joined a gym recently. My goal is to lose 25 pounds and get in better physical health. And if I can get that weight off, I can see if I like me at that point, or if I want to lose a little more. I know my body well enough that I need to exercise regularly. I haven't been and I'm trying to fix that.
I haven't been writing outside of here in months. I couldn't even look at the words on the pages anymore. No pieces in stories were falling into place. About a week ago, I started writing again. It was really fun. There wasn't this sense of "work' that had been there for too long.
But in general, these are good promises to myself. They'll hopefully make for a better and happier me.
And I know it was just some flirting and some kissing. It's not that big of a deal in itself. The guy is fun and thinks I'm amazing. I've made a good friend, and I'm not thinking about anything more than that.
Steve said I learned a lesson. Don't drink so much. I see it as a personal failure. I don't do things in half measures, he knows that. If I promise I'm going to put romance and sexual expression on the back burner, then that's what I'm going to do. Except ya know, I didn't...
It's my mother's voice demanding perfection that has internalized into one of my voices. When I strive for perfection, I fail and it brings about a cycle of self-hate. Forgiving others is fairly easy. Forgiving myself? Not so much.
I guess I have a new addition to the list. "Learn to forgive myself."