Heartache

Well, things are about to get incredibly vanilla around here. Not that they weren't already, but things will likely be that way for the foreseeable future.

We were talking Tuesday night. A lot has been on my mind lately and I just started saying some of it. "I accept friends is all we'll be from now on, but it's hard on me."  He didn't correct me. Further conversation hasn't changed that.

I knew he had already made up his mind. But he kept saying that we'd talk about it at a certain point. He should have said what was on his mind, because frankly he still hasn't outright said anything about it.

I think he expected me to have moved on by now. Sucks to be him, but I haven't. So it was something that needed to be said and I shouldn't have been the one to drag it out into the open when it was his choice.

Sooo, super vanilla stuff. And probably me being a mess every now and then. I'm not doing well. I'd argue that I haven't been doing well since everything in June. I had the tiniest ray of hope that I was clinging to, as much as I hate the idea of hope. Now that's gone.

People have told me in recent months that it seemed like I was more inclined for monogamy. The truth is it had nothing to do with monogamy or polyamory. It had everything to do with him. Which makes everything else going on in my life...interesting.

I don't think I can be with anyone right now. It's not fair to Chris or Lisa. I love them but deep down, they're not the ones I want. I'm not making any rash decisions as I know I'm not exactly thinking clearly. I do wonder if this has been a long time coming though. When all I can think about is him...

So yeah. I've got nothing. Except a lot of heartache and crying. Those I have in spades.

Burnt Out

I am burnt out. I feel like I've been going nearly nonstop since the beginning of July. I'm behind on house and yard work. I wanted to get more painting done. It's like I became social again and lost my ability to do anything else. I have to find a happy medium, somehow. I need down time.

All weekend I was falling apart. I was fine when around other people, but the moment I was alone I started crying my eyes out. Really bad mood swings of anger and loneliness and sadness, but no specific trigger.

Steve was the one who mentioned that I sounded burnt out. I was worried it was the depression coming back. But after the post that's sitting in my drafts...I am much angrier than I thought I was.

I am still angry with him. Hurt. Upset. Sad. Lonely...Angry. It physically hurts deep in my chest when I think about everything.

I realized that I don't trust him as I did before. I'm more reserved. There are things that I just don't talk about that I never would have hesitated over in the past.

One day at a time.

(Not) According to Plan

Nothing can ever go as planned.

About a month ago, I ordered new carpets for my second floor. Three bedrooms and a hallway. The installers were here yesterday. I get the "Ma'am, I need to show you something." Oh, that's never good. Turns out the hallway carpet had a hole in it. Right in the middle of the piece. Completely unusable. So it has to be reordered.

If that were it, I wouldn't be too bothered by it. Unfortunately, none of the doors upstairs fit anymore because the carpet is too thick. They won't open and close anymore, including a door to the upstairs porch. The doors have to be cut down an inch or so...

*twitch twitch twitch*

I had to ask a couple of friends if anyone had a circular saw. I don't and wouldn't trust myself using it anyway. Someone is asking about borrowing one from their father, so we'll see. Until then, not much I can do.

It's always something. At least the carpets look nice and are super squishy. I've been giggling watching my cats walk on them. They're not used to the squishy yet and they're walking like they're drunk or on a ship. It's the only humor in the situation I can find right now.

Other than that, Lisa and I are going to dinner and Steve's show tonight. It should be a lot of fun. Tomorrow, I get to spend time with a friend who has been in London for the last year. I've missed her so that should be fun too. Oh and wait, I get to do things on Sunday. A pampered chef party.

We're not done yet. Monday, a guy friend is coming over for lunch. Completely platonic friend. Tuesday, I'm going with Lisa to the dentist because she's terrified of them and won't do it on her own. Then Friday, Lisa and I are going pumpkin picking with the monster man. He's old enough to understand it now. Trick or treating is going to be adorable.

This is what my life has been like since I got back from visiting Chris in the summer. I need a week to chill and decompress but I don't think that will be happening until after the new year. I still have cleaning, yard work, cooking, and working to do in addition to all of that.

If nothing else, I have two volunteers to help me with yard work next year. One friend loves to garden and the other lives in an apartment, so she has no clue of what to do. I'll be teaching her about all that. There's something on the side I'm working on as well at the moment. Maybe more on that later.