On The Edge...Of Crazy

I have written half a dozen posts that are sitting in drafts. None will ever see the light of day. Lots of likely incoherent ramblings that may only make sense to me.

Oh I was so ticked off at Sir on Saturday. It really shows. I'd like to think that I sweetened and loosened up as the day went on. Maybe. I was feeling very unheard. I'm used to people making wrong assumptions about me. Typically, I give people a bit of room because I am complex. Heck, I'm still in the process of understanding how all the pieces fit together; I don't expect anyone else to have all the answers. But when people try to tell me that they know me better than I do? That's when I get upset, apparently five days worth of angry.

Last night, while Sir and I were texting, the anger finally dissipated. I decided it wasn't worth holding on to the anger, especially when He's so damn sweet. Also, something He wrote in the beginning of the year comes to mind. I can't remember if I ever asked if it was about me or not, but it's applicable to this situation. It was about one day understanding someone and hoping it was a long time off, as the discovery is so enjoyable.

I realized there's a lot about me for Sir to learn yet. All the pieces haven't been uncovered nor has He put them all together. And there's some fun to that to maybe catch Him off guard. After all, He's not seen much of my vanilla world. That side might still surprise Him.

That's really where all of this has been going. Who I am in the vanilla world is incredibly different. Furthermore, part of my personality that was shaped over the years is strictly vanilla. So much so, there was a huge internal struggle for years once I started to give submission a voice. There's an uneasy understanding, but my vanilla side and the submissive have completely different life experiences and influences. The vanilla doesn't exactly condone the kinky behavior, thinking it to be an unnecessary risk and vulnerability.

That's what showed up when Sir tried to say that I have dominant traits. The vanilla personality said "No" loud and clear. Not everything about me is kinky. It may all be me, part of the whole, but the sub and the vanilla react completely differently to the same moments. The only thing they typically agree on is the incomprehension of dominance in terms of sexuality and kink.

The vanilla is a control freak and OCD but in terms of "I will not delegate or work well with others. They're incompetent and I'd have to do it all again anyway. I have enough on my plate. Why would I ever want to manage someone else?"  Everything has a place and that's where everything belongs. I will make decisions for me, because again people are incompetent.

The sub hates having control, even of myself. Things shouldn't be defined; it's an unnecessary complication. I don't want to be the one making most of the decisions. I trust my Dom/significant other to lead us properly and effectively. Things don't have to be perfect as long as they work.

Those are both core parts of my personality. And they sound conflicting because they are. Now, for most people various selves are blended and integrated enough that it's hard to see the differences. These are the extreme ends of my personality to which everything else falls in between. This is what I've been struggling to explain because it does sound crazy. I will legitimately agree with everyone on that. But it is what it is and the therapist says it makes sense to him. So I can't be that crazy...one would hope! Lol

Basically, it's alright if Sir doesn't understand all of this. Or if He never sees all the complexity that is the whole of me. He loves me. I love Him. And He tries, oh He sure as hell tries. We're different creatures. He's everything that He is and I'm all that I am. So sometimes we try to connect and our various pieces can't speak the same language. Hell, I barely speak the same language within myself. It's no real surprise that Sir can't understand me. And why I can't understand Him. It can take me years to agree on a simple idea, like say whether the submissive cravings I've always had are good for me. That side didn't always have a voice; used to be a jumble of emotions and fantasies.

Maybe one of these days (or more likely years), a personality subset will emerge who can communicate effectively with Sir. God I hope so, for the both of us to stay sane.

Toeing A Different Kind Of Line

I'm currently standing in line, waiting to get into the renn faire. Sir is in another line, as I bought a return ticket when I was here with.friends a few weeks ago. There's threat of rain. I'm crossing my fingers that it holds off for most of the day.

I woke up in a terrible mood. I have few buttons that can be pushed that will royally piss me off. Last night, one was pushed. Then repeatedly poked and prodded. I did what I could to defuse it. Exaggerate the frustration to make it seem like not a big deal. Then I reached a point of silence and stillness. That's when people should be worried. Because I was holding on by a bare thread.

One person noticed, Kevin. It was a birthday party at their place. As I was leaving he asked me if I was okay. No, not entirely. But I held it together. Rebecca had a great birthday and that's all that matters.

If not for already made plans, I would have hid away for a few days, far away from people. My threshold of patience is nil. I don't really like it either. Sir knows I'm in a pissy mood and is trying to diffuse it.

Problem is, He started pushing that button last night. Maybe when I'm less angry, I can explain it all better. For now, I'll try to enjoy the day.

So I'm a bitch, am I?

Oh man, apparently I am full of aggressive attitude at the moment. Where did the sweet sub girl go?

For the record, we're fine. We talked some of it out. We'll talk the rest out hopefully some time this week. Somehow we always manage to figure things out, so neither of us is all that worried.

No, someone I know on Fetlife messaged an ex of mine, telling him to "control the bitch".

Well, Hi. You called for a bitch and damn well got one. I showed Lisa everything earlier and she just about died laughing. I've been in a mood lately. I almost said "Good boy" to a friend on Sunday. To which Sir remarked, "And you're sure you're not at all Dominant?" while chuckling.

No, I'm really not. But I can be snarky as heck, especially since it was a dominant guy that I was referring to with my "good boy" comment. I know full well the terminology and it can be amusing to engage dominants at their own game.

I guess that makes me a terrible submissive. Sir will just have to love me anyway. ;-)

Speaking of Lisa and Sir actually, we're getting together along with Lisa's hubby on Saturday. Going to the renn faire. Should be lots of fun! :)  Sir hasn't met them yet, which is surprising I know. It should be interesting. Hopefully everyone will like everyone else.

Lisa has been giving me a daily countdown for our little getaway trip. Gotta love that woman and how silly she is at times. Spa time, luxurious jacuzzi in the room, beautiful garden and grounds in the most perfect weather. Dinner that evening at a french restaurant. Dessert and wine delivered to the room. Breakfast delivered to the room the next morning. We really spared no detail for a girly getaway.

My diet will be a bit out the window but one night won't harm anything. I've lost 14 pounds, 5 inches from my hips, another 4 from my thighs, and a couple inches everywhere else. I'm fairly certain I'm gaining muscle mass, which is why the pounds don't seem near as significant as the inches lost. Considering I'm far more concerned about the inches, I can most certainly live with that.

That's about all that's going on. While I'm not in a dominant mindset, I truly am far away from the submissive spectrum. Maybe with all things considered, it's a good thing for the present time. It's not like that side has been needed lately. I don't mean anything bad by that comment. It is what it is. If Sir wants my submissive side out, He knows how to coax that from me.