Thursday, September 26, 2013

On The Edge...Of Crazy

I have written half a dozen posts that are sitting in drafts. None will ever see the light of day. Lots of likely incoherent ramblings that may only make sense to me.

Oh I was so ticked off at Sir on Saturday. It really shows. I'd like to think that I sweetened and loosened up as the day went on. Maybe. I was feeling very unheard. I'm used to people making wrong assumptions about me. Typically, I give people a bit of room because I am complex. Heck, I'm still in the process of understanding how all the pieces fit together; I don't expect anyone else to have all the answers. But when people try to tell me that they know me better than I do? That's when I get upset, apparently five days worth of angry.

Last night, while Sir and I were texting, the anger finally dissipated. I decided it wasn't worth holding on to the anger, especially when He's so damn sweet. Also, something He wrote in the beginning of the year comes to mind. I can't remember if I ever asked if it was about me or not, but it's applicable to this situation. It was about one day understanding someone and hoping it was a long time off, as the discovery is so enjoyable.

I realized there's a lot about me for Sir to learn yet. All the pieces haven't been uncovered nor has He put them all together. And there's some fun to that to maybe catch Him off guard. After all, He's not seen much of my vanilla world. That side might still surprise Him.

That's really where all of this has been going. Who I am in the vanilla world is incredibly different. Furthermore, part of my personality that was shaped over the years is strictly vanilla. So much so, there was a huge internal struggle for years once I started to give submission a voice. There's an uneasy understanding, but my vanilla side and the submissive have completely different life experiences and influences. The vanilla doesn't exactly condone the kinky behavior, thinking it to be an unnecessary risk and vulnerability.

That's what showed up when Sir tried to say that I have dominant traits. The vanilla personality said "No" loud and clear. Not everything about me is kinky. It may all be me, part of the whole, but the sub and the vanilla react completely differently to the same moments. The only thing they typically agree on is the incomprehension of dominance in terms of sexuality and kink.

The vanilla is a control freak and OCD but in terms of "I will not delegate or work well with others. They're incompetent and I'd have to do it all again anyway. I have enough on my plate. Why would I ever want to manage someone else?"  Everything has a place and that's where everything belongs. I will make decisions for me, because again people are incompetent.

The sub hates having control, even of myself. Things shouldn't be defined; it's an unnecessary complication. I don't want to be the one making most of the decisions. I trust my Dom/significant other to lead us properly and effectively. Things don't have to be perfect as long as they work.

Those are both core parts of my personality. And they sound conflicting because they are. Now, for most people various selves are blended and integrated enough that it's hard to see the differences. These are the extreme ends of my personality to which everything else falls in between. This is what I've been struggling to explain because it does sound crazy. I will legitimately agree with everyone on that. But it is what it is and the therapist says it makes sense to him. So I can't be that would hope! Lol

Basically, it's alright if Sir doesn't understand all of this. Or if He never sees all the complexity that is the whole of me. He loves me. I love Him. And He tries, oh He sure as hell tries. We're different creatures. He's everything that He is and I'm all that I am. So sometimes we try to connect and our various pieces can't speak the same language. Hell, I barely speak the same language within myself. It's no real surprise that Sir can't understand me. And why I can't understand Him. It can take me years to agree on a simple idea, like say whether the submissive cravings I've always had are good for me. That side didn't always have a voice; used to be a jumble of emotions and fantasies.

Maybe one of these days (or more likely years), a personality subset will emerge who can communicate effectively with Sir. God I hope so, for the both of us to stay sane.


  1. I understand that. My vanilla self is very different than my subbie self. I have been vanilla alot longer than kinkie. I am fiercely independant and the vanilla me cannot/won't rely on anybody else. I have had recent discussions about this. Somebody thought I would make an excellent Domme because they misunderstood my independance for dominance? I have learned to take charge of my own life, and am not afraid to voice my opinions but isn't that the joy of submission? Not to have to be independant or look out for yourself? I do like giving myself over to somebody else's care. *shrug*


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    1. That's the exact issue I've been having. Independence, assertiveness are not dominance. It means we're in control of our own lives when it's necessary. And we do it well too! That doesn't mean we want control over anyone else's life!! LOL!

      Glad you're on the same page as me! Too bad you live so far or we'd get in all sorts of trouble being our independent selves! *winks*

    2. hee hee ... well, considering Sir's hobby & mine ... we might just cross paths one day! ;) But yeah there are certain areas in my life that D/s will NOT touch .. trooping be one of them, sure maybe mild elements but we don't mess with the trooping! Or family etc. Actually I don't know how well I would do in a 24/7 situation ... it would be interesting to find out ... maybe ... one day ... if there were ever anyone BRAVE enough! ;)

  2. I myself am a walking contradiction, so you make perfect sense to me. We as humans are so multifaceted, and there is always so much more than what other perceive or even what we perceive of ourselves. We are at the same time so simple yet so complex, how can anyone make any sense of it?

    My thoughts I am sure only confuse, as I know they confuse me, but as stated above I am a walking contradiction. lol

    1. You make perfect sense to me, as well! Maybe because we're both walking contradictions. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. :)