Monday, October 7, 2013

Facing Jealously

Sir was here yesterday and it was a very good time. Happy sub, and I think a happy Sir too.

My jaw ached after He was done with me and continued to do so this morning, lol. Sometimes I really struggle with getting Him off. I've never had an issue with it before when it came to other partners. Apparently my need to breathe every so often was what hinders His orgasm. Guess I'm just out of practice, which means we need to do this more.

I woke up happier than I've been in years. Genuine, pure happiness. I barely recognized the person staring back at me in the mirror this morning. It's been a long time. The change didn't start yesterday. It's been throughout the last year, with a heavy bout of depression and crawling my way out of it.

This time is different. I care more. Fear of loss has always been present but the clarity of the emotion has been one of the strongest since meeting Sir. The dullness that comes with depression is gone. The last of those walls are down, for the present anyway. While we were fooling around, Sir mentioned having sex and playing with someone else.

At first, a deep wave of jealousy washed over me. I took a moment to get it under control. Instead, tears started to fall. Sir pulled me close, kissing them away. If I ever want to work on those jealousy issues, Sir said He'd be willingly to help. I'm not sure how much I like His idea of "helping" considering what it entails. The idea of being tied up and forced to watch is not a pleasant one.

Real, raw emotions. I'm not used to them. It's not bad though. I am incredibly happy and content. I have hope and look forward to the future. I have wishes, desires, wants, motivations. I've probably had them for some time but noticing them is different.

I realize that I have a lot of love to give. Should things not work out with Sir, heavens above it'll hurt, but I'll survive. I don't think I've felt that way once over the last year. I do fully expect everything to work out just fine. For more reasons than I could count, including the only secret I've kept from Him. Maybe one of these days, or years lol, I'll tell Him what else I was shown the night we went to see Les Miserables. That one should leave Him guessing, though I would tell Him now if He asked. The fear is not so great anymore.

There's something refreshing about admitting that fear and facing it head on. It's funny, even. Because I want Him to date someone else, if He chooses to do such. I want to be her friend and confidant. Maybe even gang up on Sir at times. I want that for Him, if it would make Him happy. Even as the jealousy and fear of such a thing strikes me to the core, I wish Him only happiness however He may find it.

And isn't love greatest in the face of adversity and challenge? It's also been easy for me, when it comes to sharing my partners. I've never felt those pains of jealousy and such deep seated fear before. Maybe it's because I've never given my heart so freely or fully. In the beginning it wasn't requited love. It took time, whereas I fell that first day. I've been falling ever the more in love since and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Now, it's so easy between us that it's baffling. Maybe a touch scary too.

I'm sure I will need to fully face this jealousy one day. I'll have to trust Sir, and trust myself. I think I can do that, when the time comes.

1 comment:

  1. Over the past months, I've come to realize how wise Sir is. Yes, trust him. He'll only do this if you're ready. So know that when the time comes, you may not like it, but you'll be ready (and you'll be just fine) because he knows. Until then, don't worry about it.


    Ps - I love how content this post sounds. I love how much better you're feeling. :)