Thursday, October 24, 2013

Inner Dialogue: The Pitfalls of Not Communicating

I'm sorry that I haven't written in over a week. Well that's not entirely true. I haven't been writing here but in a private place just for me. Lord knows no one wants to read all that. I don't want to read it. Not to mention, none of it was true. See? Total waste of time. Y'all didn't miss a thing. ;-)

It's been hard. The minor weekend sadness turned into full blown, deep and dark, depression. I argue that I don't hate myself. When I'm good, I don't have that hate. When I'm bad, it comes with a vengeance. This time to the point where I didn't care about my poor decision making. I still don't care, which is scary. I want to say I feel better now but where's the guilt? Not with me that's for sure.

Hmmm, that's not quite accurate. It's more that I don't think I made a bad choice. I did what I needed to in the moment. Acceptance that I'm not perfect? I'll ask the therapist about it. Even my depression doesn't look right anymore...

Change, ugh! LOL

I'm not mired down by depressive thoughts, so something is going on. Don't ask me though as I haven't a clue what's going on in my head.

This past Sunday, I didn't text Sir (yeah, we're just gonna go with that) until He sent me a text in the early afternoon. He says that's His red flag warning for when things are wrong with me. I had no intention of saying anything to Him about anything going on in my head. After the previous post, I didn't say a thing about anything going on in my head.

So, He asked me if anything was wrong. I almost  didn't say a word about it. Now y'all and even Sir understand why I tell Him about all the small happenings. I trained myself to tell Him the truth. I don't know anything else with Him. Hiding it was hard enough, and I hated myself all the more for not saying something. My inner dialogue looked a little like this:
I should tell Him what's going on...I can't. He's away trying to enjoy Himself. He doesn't need this...But if I hide this, I'll hide more and more. Then He'll find out and hate me...If I ruin His time elsewhere, He'll still hate me...(on repeat for a few days, then He returned only to be swamped by work) I need to tell Him before Saturday. I can't see Him and pretend everything's okay...And ruin what may be the few last good days with Him?...I promised myself I wouldn't lie to Him...It doesn't matter anymore, does it?

Yeah, I know. That's the downgraded version of it too. I legitimately thought He was done with me. It led me on a self-loathing cycle that tested my will. One of those: This is why they've all left. Why can't I be normal? I don't deserve anything happy. I'm going to move far away and never be a burden to anyone again. Depression, gotta love it, heh. I was blaming myself for things that weren't happening and that most certainly were untrue.

I don't know know how I'm doing. Better would be my guess. I don't know how we're doing. We're both independently going through major life changes. We won't know what happens next until we're on the other side of those. For now it's enough to know that we both still want this.

It has to be enough.


  1. Just take it one day at a time. I too know what it's like to hate myself. I have done that most of my life. It's always a struggle. But you are headed in the right direction. It isn't easy .. it never is. But just take it one day at a time.


  2. Sorry you're feeling blue hope things get better soon.