Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Over The Weekend

I was at a wedding on Saturday. It was a vanilla affair, though those getting married are very much kinky. There were friends from the community and we laughed about how we can't behave when we all get together, especially the women. We're just terrible! ;-)

A very good friend of mine teased threatened offered to give me birthday spankings. This is what I mean. No proper sense of vanilla, haha! We have one of those electric chemistry interactions. From the first moment we met, in fact, it's been that way. Don't worry. He's very happily married with two beautiful little girls. We just have this playful teasing about us. So carefully finding a quiet spot, I got more than my current age worth of spankings. I made note of that as well! Damn sadists! :-P

Then we talked about the guys. I referred to them as "The powers that be"...I may or may not be addicted to the tv show Charmed. Nothing too detailed, just that I am involved right now. And to think I almost didn't go to this wedding...

It was a bad weekend that I'm not sure is really over. But I got talked through my shitty head space and went. I'm sure the 8 or 9 glasses (at least? LOL) of wine helped matters as well. Though I did sleep terribly with nightmares later that night. It's bad when I sleep for 10 hours and it feels like I was up all night arguing and fighting.

I have therapy today. I'm going to hang out with Lisa too. Because I don't really know what else to do. I can cry and snuggle with her. Maybe sort out everything going on. I have no idea if it's the depression or if things really suck as much as I think they do.

It's weird because I asked him if it was alright if my friend gave me birthday spankings. And that led to an involved conversation that never got finished. I'll add it to the list. Though it feels like I don't really care very much either way at this point. I probably asked because I was drinking and was working on autopilot. Not even thinking about everything.

Rebecca was at the wedding and we talked briefly. She confirmed some things going on in my head. Things I don't really know what to do with. Except that I love him to depths that scare me to even think about. Of course she went places that I don't want to go near and she pointed out a very obvious bit of info.

I'm angry and frustrated with people. I'm about ready to be done because I'm not everyone's mother, even if they treat me that way. Semi-hermit. Keep people around who deserve to be around, fuck everyone else. Chris is incredibly mildly concerned. Though I think he's worried about me going completely hermit, whereas I would be bored and lonely with that. Personally, I think it's a healthy decision. I'm tired of giving to people and never getting anything in return. I deserve to have good people around me who support and care about me. The abruptness might be because of the crippling depression that returned but I think it's valid. I'll talk with the therapist about it, if I think of it amid everything else.

And no, we haven't talked about this or anything terribly serious since that post the other day. He's still away. Wants to celebrate my birthday some time when he gets back. I miss him. I want him to wrap me up in his arms and tell me everything will be okay. But I'm not sure if that's possible. Amazing what a week's difference can make.


  1. JAS, I wish I knew what I could say to you, when you are down. I can only offer you hugs & someone you can always count on to listen to you.


    1. I'm actually not doing terribly bad at the moment. I think this is actually what normal people experience of temporary sadness.

      Feeling sad versus being sad. It's strange, lol

      Honestly, I feel stubborn as fuck. I don't even remember what I wrote above, as it was written Monday evening. I am still full of surprises. Once I make up my mind, it's pretty well made.

      And if a certain person we won't name wants to be stubborn, I can be stubborn right back. I think I'll win that battle too. :D Hahaha

  2. You said you were tired of being everyone's mother. JAS, (for a while) help yourself, you &Sir and if there is anything left over, help others. You have to have enough to help yourself and right now your running on empty. It's time to refuel. That wicked depression will get ya every time. Fight your way back. You're strong enough.
    You are. Enough.
    I'm here for ya.
    Big hugs!!!

    1. I really love that you called him "Sir" when I'm not. Because if he's going to be stubborn, it's good that someone is willing to be stubborn right back at him. I think it's wearing off on me, if my comment to GeekieKittie is any indication.

      Oh well, he'll just have to love me anyway. Good luck getting rid of me. He'd have an easier time trying to move a mountain. Which I know you completely understand this comment, even when he likely has no idea.

      Yeah, I am in much better spirits.


      Thanks, as always :)