Time has been getting away from me lately. I didn't mean to step away from blogging as long as I did. Things have been busy with getting ready for the holidays as well as being social. I've been spending a lot of time reading too. I've gone through nearly two dozen books in the past month or so. I still managed to knit a matching scarf and hat. My first project, the scarf, took forever but the hat only took two days. I'm happy with how all of that is coming along.
I've also been preparing for a holiday party I'm hosting next Sunday. Decorating, far too much cleaning, the usual when it comes to parties. I even went black friday shopping for the first time ever. Granted, the "mall" by me wasn't even as busy as a normal mall anywhere else on a typical Saturday and I didn't bother to go shopping until 10 am. Three o'clock in the god damn morning holds no appeal to me unless it involves sleep or sex.
There have been some good days, not as many as I'd like but I think I'm getting back there. Certain vanilla hold-ups have been progressing nicely, finally. Therapy is doing more good than I could have ever imagined. I told Sir that I was going to focus on me. He's always said I give too much of myself to help and make others happy. I didn't truly see what He meant until the week of Thanksgiving. I made a choice, one that was right for me, even if it upset a friend of mine. In the past, I would have sucked it up. I would have gone and been uncomfortably nice to someone who made my skin crawl...all to make the host of the party, my friend, happy. But this time? I made the decision that was right by me and didn't attend.
I think I understand now, what Sir meant. I give more than other people deserve. I compromise myself and my happiness to do it.
"Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past."
Sir quoted me that a few days ago. I understood the message but disagreed with the word choice. I still disagree but the more I think on it, the better I understand the intent. Do I wish I could change the past? Of course, but I accept that I can't.
It's actually funny because Sir and I talk about hope quite regularly. I say I gave up on hope. He says hope makes a difference in how the future will unwind. Hope changes us. I can't give up hope on the past, but not because of what I'd like to change. I can't let go of the past being this black and white picture of facts. The past is there, not here. What lingers are the emotions, the memories, who I've been and become.
My past is filled with pain and heart ache and trauma. If I give up hope, those are what remain. Hope is that the past won't torture me one day. Hope is that I can shape those terrible moments into a stronger and better me. Forgiveness is not to change the facts, but to change the effects.
If I can forgive myself for hurting a friend in order to protect myself, then maybe I can forgive more of my past. Maybe, heh :)