...I can't help but to peek inside.
I wish that would have stopped the conversation but I wasn't granted such luck. And I realized something during that conversation: He couldn't define submission. Furthermore, what he'd called "dominance"--now mind you, we weren't talking in a sexual regard, but in personality traits--I'd call having a backbone and self-confidence. It upset me that night because this is not the first time I've had this discussion with people. As Sir said though, I can't be truly upset with people for not understanding me when I have walls up. Which is true, though having my explanations outright ignored and dismissed without cause, as to why Lisa's husband's assessments were incorrect, was frustrating on many levels.
It's taken me a few days to come down from my anger and frustration over the issue to realize and remember a few important factors. In the end, I define myself and have placed trusted people in my life to see a fairly good portion of the entirety of who I am. It's taken many years, and many failed attempts, but I do have people in my life who understand and accept me in the ways that I define myself.
Furthermore, I recall a conversation about dominance and submission that seems apt. While I don't remember who I had it with, the intent is still clear in my mind. A good sub won't let others walk all over him/her when he/she has already given his/her service, himself/herself to another. It occurred to me that Lisa's husband was once again trying to test the waters of "what-ifs". He claims to want a dominant woman as a third for their relationship; even Lisa sees otherwise. I will not fit someone else's mold simply because they cannot find what they are looking for. I may have many failings but the skills of my service and depths of my loyalty are not among of them.
Sir has told me that in my core there is a woman made of iron and fire. One who will not break, bend, or be swayed. I think I may finally agree with Him. That Sir is right far more often than I'd like to admit is one of the things I secretly love about Him. It also proves many of my points. He knows me in ways that I don't understand, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I will never be one of those women who are submissive in all ways, to all people. They exist and I have met a few over the years. I have no desire to be one of them either. To handle myself without the assistance of others is a trait I value having. That I can persuade those of opposing views is a skill I have learned, but one I take no joy or pleasure in. It is a tool for a greater purpose, when I have need of it. Yes, I can command a room and gather the full attention of those within it. Again, another learned trait that I use sparingly, such as for academic purposes and debate of various topics. While those traits have their uses, they don't define me. They could, if I were so inclined to that path, but I'm not.
I blur the lines of sexual submission and submission in vanilla happenings on a subconscious level. Because of that, those dictate the course of several aspects of my life, including what I'm willing to accomplish with power. The truth is I have no aspirations for greatness in life, not as we define it in modern day society. My only desire to make others happy. There are several outlets including friendships, relationships, and all of my personal skill sets that I can use to assist others and bring them moments of joy. One day, if I'm fortunate enough, a family and children will be included in that list.
There's a funny thing that many people don't know, but would if they could see the fuller picture. Sir is my Alpha. It is by none of our doings. Frankly, when He reads this, it may catch Him slightly off guard. Lisa and Chris recognize as much and act accordingly. Chris has even put the full of it to words. I don't not mean as a lover or a Dom, simply the Alpha of my world. It will likely make Sir cringe to read that, but the truth unspoken doesn't make it any less true. What I have changed for the better is in thanks to Him. Not mindlessly, He'd never allow that. But I have adapted and adjusted based on the last year and a half of our interactions, to both make Him and myself happier, the latter which He rejoices in with me. If I were to be so bold to say this, Sir has changed me in ways so that my relationships with Chris and Lisa are fuller and happier as well. I think that will surprise Him to know as much, though He constantly surprises me.
I can no more define what submission and dominance should look like any more than I can define a standard for love and happiness. Some things are beyond words. I know what makes me happy, what brings me peace. I have found those who give it to me in spades, in three relationships that I've come to realize make me happiest together, not apart. Anything beyond that is fodder for discussions and debates that will never cease, no matter how carefully I craft my words and arguments. Instead I will be happy despite those oppositions, despite those who would place dissatisfying restrictions upon me. I will not bend to their narrow viewpoints of who I should be, but instead be who and what I've always been--in all its vast and varying complexities.