Monday, January 27, 2014

Jealousy and Fear

And it harm none, do what you will

I've spent ten years trying my best to live by those words, even if I'm constantly learning new ways of looking at those 8 simple words. Like today, realizing that those words apply just as readily to how I treat myself as to how I treat others. You'd think that'd be a tad obvious. Sometimes it's the obvious that eludes me most. Just ask Sir, lol.

Jealousy. When the heck did that become an issue? Because it is one, a minor one but still, I can't let it go on. I'll not beat around the bush; it comes from fear of betrayal which leads to suspicion and ultimately cultivates into jealousy.

If Sir thinks it's only around Him, it's not at all. Chris doesn't even know this, but when we weren't together for those few years, I had a jealous streak a mile long. Oh, I wanted him to be happy. Don't get me wrong. But those other women that were interested in him? One of them is even a friend, and I wanted to claw her eyes out. Because...mine. It's toned down quite a bit since then, ever since we picked things back up. Now? I'm even subtly helping him set himself up to date this one woman. She's warm and bright, in every sense. They'd be good for each other, and we came out of the poly closet to her over 6 months ago, so there'd be no surprises.

Lisa and I had our own issues to work through. In many ways, we have had and continue to have more issues than anyone I'm seeing. Our relationship makes what Sir and I go through look like a walk in the park. Because we're both horrible at communicating effectively and neither of us want to take the lead on that. When our relationship continuing was contingent on the approval of some possible woman that they're in the process of looking for as a "sister" to Lisa? Oh man, all the doubts and anxiety and anger and jealousy. She had no clue I felt that way. 

We recently had a long conversation about this, and we know there's a lot to work through, from both perspectives. The funny part is that we both held back because we were afraid external forces were going to force us apart. But we have relationship stuff to work through, just like anyone else. If I don't focus my writings around those, it's simply because this has been since day one primarily a place for Sir.

As for Sir, my jealousy issues run as red hot as they used to with Chris and Lisa. Unfortunately, those have a way of expressing themselves around Sir. That's the unusual part. I've always kept jealousy in the back little corner of my mind. I never wanted my insecurities to be an issue for anyone. But like with everything else in my life, I can't hide things from Sir. Transparent and open like a book.

When we were together on Saturday, He mentioned how a friend of His likes the beard He's growing. It's a name of someone He's mentioned dozens of times, but the instant GRAWR showed. Maybe only in a tightness in my face and a slight difference in tone, yet He saw it all the same. The irony that I have multiple partners and yet I'm the one who struggles the most with jealousy is not lost on me.

So why the jealousy at all? Some of it is normal levels of boundary pushing and insecurity. The rest comes from one person's poor decision making. Yes, one person I trusted hurt me in ways that I could have never fathomed. I locked myself away so no one could ever be in a position to hurt me like that ever again. But who am I hurting now because of it?

I'm hurting myself, and doing a huge disservice to those around me. Fear. That's the key, letting go of that crippling fear. Something to talk about with the therapist because I know there are no easy answers or solutions to this. But I recognize that it's hurting me. It's a start.


  1. I think you are taking all the steps in the right direction. I think with your Sir .. you are his sub thus you are allowing him, more than the others, in .. you are becoming transparent & you are trusting him. You keep going .. you are heading in the right direction (and am so glad that you are still seeing your therapist!!!!!)

    1. Once I commit to something, I tend to see it through. So yes, still seeing the therapist.

      As for the rest, that man has His own set of ninja skills at being able to see right into the heart of the issue, even when I can't. It'd be annoying if it wasn't so damn useful, lol.