Pain

What is it about pain?

The exquisite pain of canes, floggers, and paddles. Clamps, ropes, and handcuffs. Bare hands. That kind of pain leaves me feeling warm and settled. It satisfies an ache that stems from the deepest recesses of my mind.

Yet it's the less familiar type of pain. Emotional and mental pain like spikes that get driven deep, leaving me bleeding out.

The depression has been lying to me for a few days now. It knows all the buttons to push to make me angry, hurting, and worse, emotionally irrational.

I shut down, closed myself off from my emotions so the depression wouldn't drag me down.

All I can do is wonder why I hurt myself.

Because my mind thinks it's protecting me, showing me "the truth". So it uses pain, knowing I can't ignore that. Even now, distant from my emotions, I can feel it. And it's good, a fantastic liar. The best lie is the one that's almost true, makes it easy to believe.

It's really screwed up that my mind hurts me so I won't be hurt further by others. Except no one is hurting me, hence the depression lying. I know the signs--I've ignored them enough in the past, and they aren't there.

I was doing so good too. Guess I only get 24 hours at a time.

Oooooo

Lisa and I have been ogling and drooling over some gorgeous, stunning items of clothing.

Found here

Found here

My inner princess is going I want it! I want it! I want it!!!!

I'm just gonna leave this amazing site here...

Yeah...this is why I shouldn't be allowed to look at pretty things. I'm like a 7 year old girl who wants everything, lol. It's terrible, and adding Lisa?? Y'all can imagine how that goes.

This might just be the best motivation to lose weight those. Presents for losing the last 45 pounds?? I like that plan. Because I'm not buying incredibly expensive pieces only to lose weight. So new weight loss motivation tools!! Woo :-D

Sick of Winter, Sick as a Dog

I haven't been writing the last few days, not because I don't have things to say--I do, but because last Friday I got sick. Over the weekend, it turned into really sick. Doc says it's a viral chest infection going around these parts. Did I mention the cough that is leaving me lightheaded and my lungs aching could last 12 weeks after this????

I've been eating homemade chicken soup since Sunday. I've killed one pot of the stuff and before the weekend is out, I'll have demolished another. I'm taking what meds I can, but my lungs and general chest area have to work with me here. I can't be feeling like rubbish for the next 12 weeks. Ugh!!!

I teased Sir a bit about actually taking care of myself for once. Maybe I'm learning to behave up to His standards, lol. I tease because He'd argue that it's not a D/s matter. It never had to be, we've turned it into one. If y'all could hear the tone He gets, my fellow subs would completely understand. The one where Their voice turns to stone (or ice) and you know you've crossed a line or pushed things to far?? Yeah, He gets that tone when I've exasperated Him in the past because I don't take good enough care of myself. Which flips a switch in my mind so my voice gets soft and sweet.

I'm all adorable, you wouldn't possibly be mad at me, Sir, would you?

Everyone who knows me, knows that look I get when I've landed myself in trouble and the tone of voice. None of them fall for it. I'm well aware.

So, I'm being good. Taking it easy and not stressing my body out. I'm doing better now, but Sunday after my last post sucked. Feelings of being crushed and suffocated simultaneously are nightmarish. More chicken soup until I'm swimming in it. Maybe if I just eat that until the cough goes away, it won't linger for 12 weeks. We can only hope!!!

I'm actually glad Sir hasn't been around to see the symptoms of this illness. He'd just worry more and very likely tell me to stop doing what little I'm managing. Then again, I'm a rebel. :-P

Choices

I've had to shift my internal concept of obedience. Let me tell y'all, Sir has a very different idea of obedience than past Doms of mine. Now, ever Dom is different, but I always found those with similar styles and patterns. Honestly there was no planning with that; they're just similar when it comes to views of submission.

Sir?? Hahahhaha, oh heavens no. Sir is nothing like them. Pretty sure that would make Him smile. I don't think He thinks anything nice about any of them...

I mainly notice the difference these days in small moments. Like when Sir and I were playing on Sunday, as He was poking all of my buttons. What I don't think I mentioned, when He wanted me centered and to calm down the inner fire, all He had to say was "You're a good girl."  Yep, that's all it took. Ooo, and then He gently wrapped His fingers around my wrists...I am that easy for Him, LOL!

 I'm fire and passion when He wants those, submissive and affectionate when He wants that instead.

It's been a challenge for me. That man is so patient. Sir realizes He could dominate any and all aspects, or at least He should. I would walk any path He set us on. His style is to take these tiny, little pieces and focus on those. Intentional or not, He removes all settings that used to exist and rewires them. It's only later on that I realize anything has changed.

He'd argue everything is a choice. We were actually talking about it last night. And yes, Sir couldn't actually make me do anything I found questionable. But the rest of it? I chose a long time ago to have His opinions and concern matter to me. Sometimes, I still fight Him on things but not as much as before. There's more trust and acceptance.

Most of the time I fight because He pushes and challenges me. Oh the choice is always mine, and in that regard He's right, but y'all know disappointment and frustration hurt more than any punishment. If anyone else told me half the things He does, I think I would have snapped at them a long time ago. I resist change, even my therapist tells me that. With Sir, I've accepted that not all change is bad. (at least that's the mantra I keep repeating in my head...most days it helps, lol)

I've been that extremely obedient sub before. Maybe that's more fun to read about?? :-P

In general, it's also not who I am. In small doses, sure. When I'm not getting tongue tied. Why does He take such frickin pleasure in making me actually say out loud everything that it's my mind?? Sadist...

My past D/s relationships had set the tone for what I thought all those would look like, if I were involved. I think I tried to make myself into something I'm not. If I have to hide and bury my strong personality for someone to dominate me, it's not really D/s is it? Whereas with Sir, He welcomes the challenge. He loves verbal exchanges (which is why He enjoys hearing me say all the naughty things I want, the above was rhetorical).

I could be my strongest, my best and He'd be able to dominate me with ease. I see what You've been doing, Sir. It only took me this long, lol.

And the funniest part of all this? He's not really trying to be dominant most of the time. He'd say that He's being a good friend, trying to help me to heal. Become more whole. Which is even funnier, because I read about Doms doing just that with their subs, both here among bloggers and on Fetlife. I always thought I understood what that meant. Then I met Sir, and began the true comprehension of what it means to heal, knowing someone fully has my back.

Maybe we don't fit into "typical" molds of Dom and sub. That's alright. We are the choices we make, and I think those speak clearly enough on their own. :-)

Winter Blues

For nearly two weeks now it's been snow, basement flooding, more snow, flooding, even more snow, flooding. My car is stuck out back, in the snow. My basement is flooding. You'd think the melting snow would mean by car could get free...Nope.

Not to mention, I've been helping Lisa handle her stress with the dogs being sick, seeing her grandma, all the stress between her and her hubby.

I handled it all last week and most of this one, but I'm at a breaking point. Which will make everything Sunday seem like a walk in the park.

My threshold for stress is very low, as of late. I can't do this anymore.

All I want to do is curl up and hide under the covers until spring. I know part of that is the depression talking, but the rest? I want to throw in the towel for a while, not deal with this crap.

And to make things even better, the weather people expect more snow to hit this evening into tomorrow morning.

I'm so fucking done.

He knows me too well

Yesterday I spent the day with Sir, yay!!

The night before we were flirting and teasing each other. Though I was told that I "couldn't have too much fun" because it's the only way to keep me in line, lol. As if I don't thoroughly enjoy being kept in line! So suffice to say, I was extremely turned on by the time I arrived at Sir's place the next day. No doubt that was entirely on purpose.

I even had a sex dream that night, of being pushed to the ground and mounted in a crowded room. Yeah...

Can I just mention right now that Sir knows me too well?? Better than I know myself sometimes.

Shortly after I got there, I found myself bent over at the waist holding onto the couch for support. Sir flipped up my skirt and proceeded to play with His kitten. Sweet, delicious pain from a paddle and flogger. The thuddy ache going straight through to my pussy and the sting sending my mind into a blissfully quiet place.

Then Sir had me suck His cock. I love doing that and He knows it. He was being a total dick (in the best way) by saying things like "Less talky, more sucky."  Jerk! And god forbid I need breathe. Yes, I'd love to continue sucking but I'd also like to not suffocate or choke on saliva. If He would let me practice more often, I'd be better at it. Just saying, lol. I used to be quite good but lack of practice, as with anything, makes the activity more difficult. It would also help if He wasn't frustrating as hell to get off...which means it's not entirely my fault.

So we were having this conversation while I was sucking Him off. Mostly Him talking while I gave a lot of looks. See the point where He knows me too well. I don't have to say a damn thing for Him to know exactly what I mean. Sir loved it, probably more than my lips around His cock. He enjoys that I have more fight in me. Completely shattered my previous ideas of obedience over the last year or so, but if He likes the result that's all that matters.

The rest of the afternoon was spent grabbing some lunch and watching more Chuck. He's amused by how emotionally invested I am in that show. It's His fault for showing it to me in the first place.

Unfortunately, the night didn't end as we would have liked. As things were winding down and I was getting ready to head home, my body decided to completely come undone. Back, hips, the left leg, and all the muscles/nerves in those areas were in ungodly amounts of pain. Sir spent the next three hours taking care of me.

It's actually a little funny because Sir is incredibly strict and unyielding during times like that. That's when the authoritative, dominant side of Him comes through the most. Again, He knows me too well. How I'll push myself when I'm not alright and make it seem like I'm better than I am. When it comes to my health, He is a hard-ass.

The overall consensus of yesterday? He challenges me in ways that I never expected, and I'm a better version of me for it...even if it does cause Him to wear that smug grin of His. :-P