Friday, February 28, 2014


What is it about pain?

The exquisite pain of canes, floggers, and paddles. Clamps, ropes, and handcuffs. Bare hands. That kind of pain leaves me feeling warm and settled. It satisfies an ache that stems from the deepest recesses of my mind.

Yet it's the less familiar type of pain. Emotional and mental pain like spikes that get driven deep, leaving me bleeding out.

The depression has been lying to me for a few days now. It knows all the buttons to push to make me angry, hurting, and worse, emotionally irrational.

I shut down, closed myself off from my emotions so the depression wouldn't drag me down.

All I can do is wonder why I hurt myself.

Because my mind thinks it's protecting me, showing me "the truth". So it uses pain, knowing I can't ignore that. Even now, distant from my emotions, I can feel it. And it's good, a fantastic liar. The best lie is the one that's almost true, makes it easy to believe.

It's really screwed up that my mind hurts me so I won't be hurt further by others. Except no one is hurting me, hence the depression lying. I know the signs--I've ignored them enough in the past, and they aren't there.

I was doing so good too. Guess I only get 24 hours at a time.

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