Well that didn't go quite as expected

Before I get into any of the messy stuff, I do have something kinda funny to share. I was on Facebook and went to search for something. As you likely know, anything you recently have searched for will show up when you click on the empty bar. Imagine my surprise when Steve's gf's name has her picture next to it instead of just a generic search result for a name. I have to say, I had a good laugh over that one before I went to bed tonight.

Either there's a very small chance that she blocked me and decided to unblock me, or he's reading here. Which means I was right. And honestly I have ideas as to why he is, only one of them is a good one.

But anyway...

I have never claimed to not have a healthy nor unhealthy dose of paranoia. It's being discussed, lol. My therapist and I obviously talked in depth about several of my concerns.

No, he had not been keeping anything from me.  I'm not quite sure how to explain this part. I stumbled upon something and have been researching it up, down, and sideways. I compared it to my existing diagnoses: complex ptsd, depression (that goes from major to minor), and a general anxiety disorder.

I then compared it to similar mental health issues. I researched psychological terminology. I read medical journals about the subject I was interested in as well as ones I came across that tugged at something in my mind.

This is what I've primarily been doing since last Thursday. You could say that I wanted to be armed and prepared with as much information as was available to me.

So back to therapy. I said as much as this one topic had me mentally pushing away, I kept being drawn back to it. As if hidden in those words was something I had been looking for, subconsciously. I know I have the symptoms of what I've been diagnosed with, but I've never, ever read about something and identified with it.

It doesn't all fit quite right, as our conversation showed. In order to explain why it made sense I had to reveal details about myself that I have never shared with my therapist and rarely share elsewhere. We've decided to simply look at it and keep it in mind for future therapy sessions. It's not a diagnosis quickly made.

It overlaps a ton with the ptsd, and often occurs with ptsd and depression, hence why considering it is a reasonable idea. It overlaps with a lot, actually. It looks like a lot of disorders without being any of them, but those are my only clues. Not until we're sure one way or the other.

In other news, my psychiatrist wants me to try a new med. Abilify. I don't get to see him until Nov, so this has all been through phone calls. I flat out asked if he thought I had bipolar disorder. Bc this makes med number 3 that is technically a bipolar med and he and I have never had that conversation. But apparently no, they just use these meds for depression patients who have tried other meds and those haven't worked. As for why Abilify on its own, one new med at a time.

I'm still debating whether or not in even going to take it after the whole cymbalta disaster. But there's a clue. It's not bipolar disorder lol

Stupid spider ruined everything

I was doing so well today. Exceptional might have been the word I would have used. If not for a frickin brown spider triggering me.

I may have some of the strangest and "how the fuck even" triggers.

Today was so good I was talking about medications on a friend's fb post. Even though I've had some of the worst luck and experiences with them, I do understand that they help a great deal of people.

On another friend's post, I commented upon the picture's assumption that the demons in your mind have always been there for you even when you've been alone. A lot of those times, those voices are things other people have said and we can self internalize those.

Even I made a comment about who am I and what is going on today. Because I know these things to be true, even when things get unstable, somewhere in my mind, I've not forgotten any of this. I just never talk about it so openly.

So the spider. About this time two years ago, I had a very similar looking spider creeping about the same part of my living room. I screamed and tried to kill it with a shoe but the fucker was too fast. Anyway, two years ago was the start of one of the loneliest times of my life. Physically and emotionally.

And all my positive vibes went away as if they had never existed. And I'm sad. Because I must suck at friendships. I can't hold onto people, or I find out they suck, or something in between. Maybe I attract bad people. There are theories on it about people with trauma, abuse, ptsd, depression. I can check all of those, maybe more.

I've been angry at my therapist because I think he's been keeping something from me. Something he thinks might be wrong with me. Because I've been reading about it thoroughly since Wednesday. At first my mind did the whole retreat into itself. Then I got angry. Then I argued with myself over past actions and behaviors. And I'm left with...I could make a strong case. And I wonder how long my therapist has known or wondered. Maybe not at all. It's not like I'm the most open and trusting client.

But if he knew...and if I'm right that I have it...one it'll explain so much. Two going forward I can explain shit to people...but I

I may have lost Chris because I wanted him to understand something I didn't have words for. I may have lost a lot of people that way.

And I want to go back to positive or at least angry. I hate being sad anymore. Not that I ever enjoyed being sad, but I've spent too much of my life that way and it gets tiresome.

Catharsis

I saw my therapist today. It's Wednesday. The usual. We talked about how I ended my friendship with Steve and how I had the best night sleep in ages. I explained all the reasons why I ended the friendship.

My therapist is concerned that this will only prove to me not to let new people in, but this has been a while coming. I've just been avoiding it because I still had hope. Because I made a promise. Because I wasn't ready to give up until I knew for sure.

It wasn't only what I can't forgive. I could have looked passed all that, if I actually meant a damn to Steve. But during the relationship, I carried us. During the friendship, I carried us. If I didn't push for time together, I would have rarely seen him which became reality.

He claims we may have texted more than most of his other friends, but that was only true when I texted him first. I never got his time. Not unless I pushed, and that's not what a relationship is. That's not what a friendship is.

The only time I was a "priority" was when I was emotionally unstable or shit was hitting the fan. I'll give him that much. But I shouldn't have been having panic attacks, disassociating, deep into a depressive state to matter to someone.

Otherwise, I may as well have not existed as far as his life and world was concerned. Remember, I just met his parents this summer, after his gf had met the whole family...I really really should have seen this whole picture sooner.

And, heh, I could be wrong but I think he's still reading here. Good. Because for everything he said that he wishes me all the best and hopes that I find peace, etc etc...I didn't trust it.

I can't explain it but I had a gut feeling. I removed Steve as a fb friend yesterday as well. Only makes sense. Today I go to see if he's blocked me. Nope. But something is still nagging me. So I look up his gf. And I get redirected to my homepage.

I laughed so damn hard. Because she blocked me (never friends btw). She would have only done so if he had said something to her lol. It must have been something awful, otherwise why go through the effort? I felt like I was in middle school again. So much for wishing each other all the best. But I still mean what I said, no matter how much I vent here. That's what this blog is for: venting.

I hope he has a long, healthy, and happy life. I just want no part of it.

Closing The Door

I said good bye and there was finality to it. Ever since that lunch back in February, things have been leading up to this. Steve has said some really stupid shit sometimes at exactly the wrong moments. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep the memories haunting me...living, breathing, alive...with him around.

He said he was expecting this. He hadn't held any real hope for a while.

And that made me so angry. Because before I got a response, I wanted him to fight. And I cried out, my heart hurt in a way that it hasn't in quite some time. I knew he wouldn't because he doesn't. Even if he did, it wouldn't have changed my mind. But it bothers me that he'd already given up.

I was right. I know exactly when it started declining. First the relationship. Then the friendship. And if I wasn't the one actively trying all the time, there wasn't anything at all. Because I see how he is now. I see how engaged and active he is with his current relationship...and that was never us.

Silly me, I can forgive the differences because I know the circumstances. But I can't forgive how things ended. I can't forgive February. And I can't forgive that he has no feelings about the miscarriage. We don't know why I miscarried, given that it was my second one. I do know I have scarring. Found out last December before I was put on birth control. So when he told me that it didn't affect him the same way because it wasn't viable, I broke the news. I have no idea.

He's also a liar, or his memory loss really is that bad. Because he was upset when it happened.

So I'm done. I told him that I don't know if this good bye is forever but assume it is. And I expect it to be. Because I've removed everyone from my life who is harmful to my life and I haven't gone back. I didn't go to my own grandpa's funeral because I couldn't walk back into that life, or only show up for a day and walk right back out.

No matter what Steve has ever been to me, this truly was good bye.

Toxic poison

I didn't realize until today that Steve is poison to me. Toxic. It was upon summarizing his break up with me on other blogger's post that I realized he did so many awful things. Some of which I don't think I could ever forgive him for and so I will always be in pain and angry so long as he's around.

After four years of knowing him, I have no idea how to say those words. I promised he was stuck with me because he was my friend and I couldn't...I still can't imagine my life without him in it. I don't break promises lightly.

My problem is and has always been putting others before myself. Right now though, I don't know if we're friends or two people trying to be friends. I have walls up so high because I have nightmares if I don't keep myself guarded at all times, but especially around him.

I want to tell his girlfriend to run while she can. I want to tell her all the reasons why she should. He's been talking about getting into therapy since I've known him. Still waiting on that one, and he's the one who thinks it actually works. He buys into all the crap about therapy and meds and the rest of that.

If you ask me why I'm still in therapy, and my therapist has on multiple occasions, I do not have an answer for you. Habit? Fear? Once I get into a routine it is difficult for me to break it.

If I had any self worth, any common sense I'd tell Steve to fuck off and I'd never look back. That shouldn't make me cry to write that or leave me feeling terrified. Fuck him and the stupid dependency that he didn't even want me to develop. Just fuck him. That two years later I'm still a mess because of his bullshit and he is fucking perfectly fine.