Sunday, August 21, 2016

Stupid spider ruined everything

I was doing so well today. Exceptional might have been the word I would have used. If not for a frickin brown spider triggering me.

I may have some of the strangest and "how the fuck even" triggers.

Today was so good I was talking about medications on a friend's fb post. Even though I've had some of the worst luck and experiences with them, I do understand that they help a great deal of people.

On another friend's post, I commented upon the picture's assumption that the demons in your mind have always been there for you even when you've been alone. A lot of those times, those voices are things other people have said and we can self internalize those.

Even I made a comment about who am I and what is going on today. Because I know these things to be true, even when things get unstable, somewhere in my mind, I've not forgotten any of this. I just never talk about it so openly.

So the spider. About this time two years ago, I had a very similar looking spider creeping about the same part of my living room. I screamed and tried to kill it with a shoe but the fucker was too fast. Anyway, two years ago was the start of one of the loneliest times of my life. Physically and emotionally.

And all my positive vibes went away as if they had never existed. And I'm sad. Because I must suck at friendships. I can't hold onto people, or I find out they suck, or something in between. Maybe I attract bad people. There are theories on it about people with trauma, abuse, ptsd, depression. I can check all of those, maybe more.

I've been angry at my therapist because I think he's been keeping something from me. Something he thinks might be wrong with me. Because I've been reading about it thoroughly since Wednesday. At first my mind did the whole retreat into itself. Then I got angry. Then I argued with myself over past actions and behaviors. And I'm left with...I could make a strong case. And I wonder how long my therapist has known or wondered. Maybe not at all. It's not like I'm the most open and trusting client.

But if he knew...and if I'm right that I have it'll explain so much. Two going forward I can explain shit to people...but I

I may have lost Chris because I wanted him to understand something I didn't have words for. I may have lost a lot of people that way.

And I want to go back to positive or at least angry. I hate being sad anymore. Not that I ever enjoyed being sad, but I've spent too much of my life that way and it gets tiresome.

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