Monday, August 8, 2016

Toxic poison

I didn't realize until today that Steve is poison to me. Toxic. It was upon summarizing his break up with me on other blogger's post that I realized he did so many awful things. Some of which I don't think I could ever forgive him for and so I will always be in pain and angry so long as he's around.

After four years of knowing him, I have no idea how to say those words. I promised he was stuck with me because he was my friend and I couldn't...I still can't imagine my life without him in it. I don't break promises lightly.

My problem is and has always been putting others before myself. Right now though, I don't know if we're friends or two people trying to be friends. I have walls up so high because I have nightmares if I don't keep myself guarded at all times, but especially around him.

I want to tell his girlfriend to run while she can. I want to tell her all the reasons why she should. He's been talking about getting into therapy since I've known him. Still waiting on that one, and he's the one who thinks it actually works. He buys into all the crap about therapy and meds and the rest of that.

If you ask me why I'm still in therapy, and my therapist has on multiple occasions, I do not have an answer for you. Habit? Fear? Once I get into a routine it is difficult for me to break it.

If I had any self worth, any common sense I'd tell Steve to fuck off and I'd never look back. That shouldn't make me cry to write that or leave me feeling terrified. Fuck him and the stupid dependency that he didn't even want me to develop. Just fuck him. That two years later I'm still a mess because of his bullshit and he is fucking perfectly fine.

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