Wednesday, August 17, 2016


I saw my therapist today. It's Wednesday. The usual. We talked about how I ended my friendship with Steve and how I had the best night sleep in ages. I explained all the reasons why I ended the friendship.

My therapist is concerned that this will only prove to me not to let new people in, but this has been a while coming. I've just been avoiding it because I still had hope. Because I made a promise. Because I wasn't ready to give up until I knew for sure.

It wasn't only what I can't forgive. I could have looked passed all that, if I actually meant a damn to Steve. But during the relationship, I carried us. During the friendship, I carried us. If I didn't push for time together, I would have rarely seen him which became reality.

He claims we may have texted more than most of his other friends, but that was only true when I texted him first. I never got his time. Not unless I pushed, and that's not what a relationship is. That's not what a friendship is.

The only time I was a "priority" was when I was emotionally unstable or shit was hitting the fan. I'll give him that much. But I shouldn't have been having panic attacks, disassociating, deep into a depressive state to matter to someone.

Otherwise, I may as well have not existed as far as his life and world was concerned. Remember, I just met his parents this summer, after his gf had met the whole family...I really really should have seen this whole picture sooner.

And, heh, I could be wrong but I think he's still reading here. Good. Because for everything he said that he wishes me all the best and hopes that I find peace, etc etc...I didn't trust it.

I can't explain it but I had a gut feeling. I removed Steve as a fb friend yesterday as well. Only makes sense. Today I go to see if he's blocked me. Nope. But something is still nagging me. So I look up his gf. And I get redirected to my homepage.

I laughed so damn hard. Because she blocked me (never friends btw). She would have only done so if he had said something to her lol. It must have been something awful, otherwise why go through the effort? I felt like I was in middle school again. So much for wishing each other all the best. But I still mean what I said, no matter how much I vent here. That's what this blog is for: venting.

I hope he has a long, healthy, and happy life. I just want no part of it.

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