Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Well that didn't go quite as expected

Before I get into any of the messy stuff, I do have something kinda funny to share. I was on Facebook and went to search for something. As you likely know, anything you recently have searched for will show up when you click on the empty bar. Imagine my surprise when Steve's gf's name has her picture next to it instead of just a generic search result for a name. I have to say, I had a good laugh over that one before I went to bed tonight.

Either there's a very small chance that she blocked me and decided to unblock me, or he's reading here. Which means I was right. And honestly I have ideas as to why he is, only one of them is a good one.

But anyway...

I have never claimed to not have a healthy nor unhealthy dose of paranoia. It's being discussed, lol. My therapist and I obviously talked in depth about several of my concerns.

No, he had not been keeping anything from me.  I'm not quite sure how to explain this part. I stumbled upon something and have been researching it up, down, and sideways. I compared it to my existing diagnoses: complex ptsd, depression (that goes from major to minor), and a general anxiety disorder.

I then compared it to similar mental health issues. I researched psychological terminology. I read medical journals about the subject I was interested in as well as ones I came across that tugged at something in my mind.

This is what I've primarily been doing since last Thursday. You could say that I wanted to be armed and prepared with as much information as was available to me.

So back to therapy. I said as much as this one topic had me mentally pushing away, I kept being drawn back to it. As if hidden in those words was something I had been looking for, subconsciously. I know I have the symptoms of what I've been diagnosed with, but I've never, ever read about something and identified with it.

It doesn't all fit quite right, as our conversation showed. In order to explain why it made sense I had to reveal details about myself that I have never shared with my therapist and rarely share elsewhere. We've decided to simply look at it and keep it in mind for future therapy sessions. It's not a diagnosis quickly made.

It overlaps a ton with the ptsd, and often occurs with ptsd and depression, hence why considering it is a reasonable idea. It overlaps with a lot, actually. It looks like a lot of disorders without being any of them, but those are my only clues. Not until we're sure one way or the other.

In other news, my psychiatrist wants me to try a new med. Abilify. I don't get to see him until Nov, so this has all been through phone calls. I flat out asked if he thought I had bipolar disorder. Bc this makes med number 3 that is technically a bipolar med and he and I have never had that conversation. But apparently no, they just use these meds for depression patients who have tried other meds and those haven't worked. As for why Abilify on its own, one new med at a time.

I'm still debating whether or not in even going to take it after the whole cymbalta disaster. But there's a clue. It's not bipolar disorder lol

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