Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Closing The Door

I said good bye and there was finality to it. Ever since that lunch back in February, things have been leading up to this. Steve has said some really stupid shit sometimes at exactly the wrong moments. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep the memories haunting me...living, breathing, alive...with him around.

He said he was expecting this. He hadn't held any real hope for a while.

And that made me so angry. Because before I got a response, I wanted him to fight. And I cried out, my heart hurt in a way that it hasn't in quite some time. I knew he wouldn't because he doesn't. Even if he did, it wouldn't have changed my mind. But it bothers me that he'd already given up.

I was right. I know exactly when it started declining. First the relationship. Then the friendship. And if I wasn't the one actively trying all the time, there wasn't anything at all. Because I see how he is now. I see how engaged and active he is with his current relationship...and that was never us.

Silly me, I can forgive the differences because I know the circumstances. But I can't forgive how things ended. I can't forgive February. And I can't forgive that he has no feelings about the miscarriage. We don't know why I miscarried, given that it was my second one. I do know I have scarring. Found out last December before I was put on birth control. So when he told me that it didn't affect him the same way because it wasn't viable, I broke the news. I have no idea.

He's also a liar, or his memory loss really is that bad. Because he was upset when it happened.

So I'm done. I told him that I don't know if this good bye is forever but assume it is. And I expect it to be. Because I've removed everyone from my life who is harmful to my life and I haven't gone back. I didn't go to my own grandpa's funeral because I couldn't walk back into that life, or only show up for a day and walk right back out.

No matter what Steve has ever been to me, this truly was good bye.

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