Grief

I finally talked about the grief and it's horrible stages I've been going through with my therapist today. Yes, we talked about Steve for the first time since I told him how I ended the friendship. It led to a windy path where I learned that present grief will often bring up feelings and connections to past grief.

That would explain dreaming about both Craig and Steve. Why a lingering shadow of a "friendship" has been haunting me lately. We're friends on Facebook so I get a glimpse into her life, nothing more. My heart still hurts every time she's sad.

I don't deal with loss and grief very well.

I also don't have it in me right now to go into all the details from therapy. I might still be processing.

It's real now, in a way it wasn't before. Not that I was in denial, but my therapist is different. It means something has shifted or processed enough for me to confront things on an entirely new level. So it's real. And it hurts again like it hasn't hurt since I said goodbye.

A normal relationship? Me?

My phone buzzes; I no longer expect it to be him. So that's some kind of progress. There's still the occasional dream where Steve and/or Chris are there. Yeah, it's been almost two years since I broke up with Chris, but the total loss of contact and friendship is still on my mind. I know I love too deeply and care too strongly to ever forget them. It's not like I've forgotten the others...

The pain is fading. Every day is a little easier than the last. It's a strange thing to miss people who are good people and yet be healthier without them. I've lost friends for the same reason. Romantic partners are simply harder for me to emotionally detach from.

Chris will never come back to even say hello to try to reclaim a friendship. Not only because of the breakup but from other circumstances around the same time. From his perspective and knowing him so well, I can't say I blame him for his choices.

If y'all haven't been able to tell from over the years, Steve is about respecting personal choice when it doesn't conflict with his personal ethical code. We all know how well that works out, heh. But in this matter, he will respect my good bye and don't expect to ever hear from me as final. He'll never push or test that boundary. It makes him an honorable man in many ways.

So, two closed doors that might as well be walls at this point.

As for current situations, some personal issues came to a head last night between Frank and I. We'll be fine and were able to talk things out. It's general life problems people have who live together. We have plans and we'll work on them. Honestly, it's all incredibly healthy and normal.

I'm used to...not this. That's why I don't bring up Frank all that often, even with my therapist. There's nothing to talk about, unless y'all want to hear about the mundane life of two people who do pretty normal things.

Kink has been put on hold due to health issues on my end. I do have an appointment with a geneticist in January, which will hopefully answer a few questions from other doctors and myself.

Medical insurance has been squared away for next year and I won't lose my therapist. That was a very real concern. January might be tough because I now have co-pays. I never did before. This plan is a little weird, not for that, but it's unlike anything I've ever been covered by in my life. It's a great plan, but I had to have someone explain it for 30 minutes on the phone.

No news yet on taste and why it's missing. Everyone (but the doctor who prescribes it) is kind of pointing to one of my meds so I may have to slowly come off and see what happens. I'm sure that will have interesting withdrawal symptoms. Joy.

I know this is a bit all over the place, but it has been a while. I need to work on that. One of these days.

A sad state of affairs

I have never written a political post before but I am now. As things stand, it looks like Trump will be President...fuck everything about that sentence. The Senate and House will be Republican controlled.

And I have never been more afraid for my life.

I should be asleep but I can't sleep. My friends can't sleep; and it's all I'm seeing and reading. We're too terrified. Besides being the fuck out of dodge and saying fuck off America.

What I can't believe is the astounding amount of people who voted against their own self interests. Because unless someone is white and wealthy, Trump and current Republicans have nothing to offer anyone else.

Why am I terrified? I'm going to lose my health insurance. I only have any because of the affordable care act. And Congress no longer has anyone in their way to eliminate it.

I'm a woman. In a Trump world, I'm not even a second class citizen. I'm poly, kinky, pagan.

But on a larger scale, war is coming. Global war has been coming and America's future is now in the hands of someone with the emotional stability of a toddler.

I actually wonder if there is a safe place to be found anywhere.

The dollar has already tanked. Stocks are down. A true economic depression is coming.

What started as a light hearted statement to pull resources together and leave the country has become a real idea in less than 24 hours. Because we didn't think he could win. We didn't believe the American people would fall for his bullshit and lies and hatred and bigotry.

We were wrong.

So I'm going to do a lot of research because I no longer feel safe living in this country and I want out before all hell breaks loose. While I'm still able to leave.

May whatever God you believe in have pity and mercy on America, because it needs it.

A good reminder of how far I've come

I woke up to an email from a former Dom of mine. It was an online only relationship. I could have sworn I had filtered all of his email addresses, but it wouldn't surprise me if I missed one. It could even be a new one.

He has been sending me messages sporadically since he ended things back at the end of 2011. Yep, five years ago. Basically his message was short and summed up how he was wandering back in to say hello after five years.

This was back when I was still with the Ex. Just for context.

This former Dom took advantage of the really horrible situation I was in and used it to his advantage. So I had two abusive dicks in my life during that time. Though the former Dom was only emotionally abusive.

So, this morning I finally wrote him back. Told him what all happened with the Ex. The Ex has a police and court record because of what he did to me. Arse. And that former Dom was getting his only warning to stay the hell away.

I'm not even close to the person I was five years ago. Or a year ago. And that's something. So I'm actually thankful I got that message, in a weird way.

It was a clear reminder of how far I've come and grown as a person. And fuck manipulative, abusive people. There was a time when a message like that would have pulled at emotions from the past, made me remember the good times, have forgotten the bad times. I'm too easy to forgive people at times.

But this is a clear reminder that I'm stronger than the manipulation. And that's such a great feeling.

I hate my insurance company!

My insurance company is trying to piss me off, I swear. They won't approve the MRI because they don't believe it's medically necessary. They want more tests and treatments done first...

No one knows what's wrong so how can it be treated? Apparently anything to do with losing taste at any level is a bad sign and go see a doctor immediately symptom. Hence the MRI to rule out the really bad stuff. Not all of it, just stuff that needs immediate attention.

So instead, I'm getting migraine treatments to show that it's not that. And the blood tests came back normal. I'm also on anti nausea meds because something is going on with my digestive tract. But not anything severe. Just annoying levels of dizzy, painful, and nauseating.

But more reasons why my insurance company is annoying me. I went to pay them today and the option was gone from their website. So I called, freaking out that something had happened, but they're just fucking around with the website for the new year.

Best of all, I received a letter in the mail saying my current plan will no longer be available next year but here's a new plan that's comparable, except in price. It's $140 more a month. I sure as heck can't afford that.

I'm going to have to switch companies but I have no idea who to switch to as I have so many frickin doctors and I don't know who takes what. And so much for the email saying the health care marketplace was open. Liars. They're working on their website too...on the days open enrollment begins.

Just fuck all of this bullshit trying to get things done. So much for being proactive and trying to get better.