Tuesday, September 3, 2013

What is Darkness?

We have very different definitions of "darkness." He sees it as the beast within that lacks empathy and compassion. The very worst that humanity can be, which exists in all of us. Bleak and morbid, right? Also, kind of hot...but I'll get back to that.

When I talk about "darkness", I mean in the fun BDSM sense. When He ties me up, beats and humiliates me. The yummy, delicious kind of play that we both love. It's the rougher, pain-filled play. It's when all the layers are stripped away, and I'm laid completely bare, then He grins with that delightful evil glint in His eyes. I know I'm in for something intense that will push my endurance...and I'm as excited as I am nervous, in those moments.

I love when He's gentle and sweet. I adore the soft tenderness that is His usual self. His dominance is the healing, boosting kind. I will always want all of that. It's the balance of the light and dark that makes it perfect.

When He humiliates me, I don't carry the shame beyond the moment. Because I know He absolutely adores me and thinks very highly of me. When He hurts me, I know it'll never be out of anger or malicious harm. He can literally take the air I need to breathe away from me, and I feel completely safe.

He brings so much light into my life that I trust Him to bring a bit of darkness as well.

Which leads me to His thoughts of "darkness"...I've seen it once. I was trembling in fear before He even put the blindfold on me. I sensed the change and my flight instincts kicked in. I wasn't actually afraid of Sir, but self-preservation is a difficult reaction to shut down.

I can still remember that fear. I was shaking in His arms, unable put what I was feeling into words. Maybe it's the emotional masochist in me, but that fear is incredibly attractive. I want Him to put the empathy and compassion aside, if only for a few moments to trigger that fear. And then when our fun is done, slowly come back to ourselves. Give Him the sweet smile to let Him know I'm doing okay. Help Him find His way back to me, if necessary.

I would willingly walk into a scene where I know Sir's version of darkness will appear. It's about trust. I know He's a good person. I know He would never intentionally harm me, which is why He's so damn resistant to letting inner monster loose. He's been the light in the dark for me so many times. I would hope in a scene like that, I could be the bright light to keep my Sir there even if He's just beneath the surface.

And in the end, this is something that is simply a want, a desire. If I never see what He considers darkness again, I can live with that. It's not a need. An extremely dark desire that is likely more appealing in thought than in reality. I'm fully aware of that.

Now what I call darkness? Yeah, that's definitely a need. I enjoy the pain and roughness too much. :-D

It's interesting though, the difference in terminology. Even after all this time, we both still think of our own versions of darkness whenever it gets brought up. We'll have to find a better word for my version of it. Until then, maybe this post will help us bridge the communication gap for talking about our individual ideas of what "dark" play is.

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