Out of Sight, Out of Mind

I swear it has not felt like 6 days since I last posted...

It's the end of April?! Where is this year going???

I'm not really that old to be losing this much time. Or have as much white hair as I do. Not grey, white. Can I get a refund or speak to management about this issue?

I dyed my hair red. Not auburn, but red. And not crayola red either. It's natural looking but more wild than I've gone with a color previously. I like it and I have the added bonus of others liking it as well. If they didn't...oh well. My hair. So unsubmissive sounding, but then it's not had an outlet.

It's been more like this...

And this...

I've been Lisa's rock because she needs it. I will hopefully be seeing Chris in a month but we've not been catching up much lately.

Sir...I haven't seen Him since the beginning of the month. And when He mentioned getting together this upcoming week, He expected me to be full of evil ideas. When in all honesty, I got excited because I get to see Him. There wasn't a thought toward sex or kink.

I feel like I've thrown in that towel. Nope, not having it. Chris told me I was being a good housewife because of all the spring cleaning I've been doing. My reaction was "ugh", essentially. I want to do it for me. I want my house sparkling clean because I want it that way. Not because it'll be pleasing to someone else.

Fuck that shit!! Lol

I've been gardening and getting a new raised vegetable garden around. It's been awesome. It's all me and my ideas. Everything that I want without anyone getting in my way or being involved. Or any of that.

I don't want to be submissive or pleasing or anything. I don't even want to be sexual. Put it all in a box. Shove it to the side for a while. Out of sight, out of mind. It feels more like an inconvenience. I'm tired of feeling wistful and wanting.

Part of this could have to do with the emotional shifts of whatever is going on in my mind (brain?) at the moment. Last night I was feeling settled. Today I feel restless. So who really knows what tomorrow will bring.

Until then, I'll be doing this for the evening:

Maybe one of these days I'll have something actually interesting to write about here.

Reasons why I'd be corrupting the internet if I didn't have this blog

...which is down towards the bottom. The rest is vanilla-y filler first.

Fresh dirt. Oh how I missed you! It's not even the green things sprouting up in my front garden (the ones that are supposed to be there anyway) that have me all excited. Nope, it's the dirt. All the hopes I have to make everything look nice enough and the energy to keep up with it over the summer.

All that pain I was suffering from? Up and left. I guess that means the antibiotics worked, right? Maybe. "Flare ups" have been normal for too long. Reminds me of chest pain I had when I was 16. The pain was shooting up to the surface right around where my heart is located. I had every test done and I was healthy as could be, besides the pain. That pain comes back every now and then. It even decided it likes the right side on occasion too. Then it'll disappear for months on end.

*shrugs*

The last few weeks are going into my file of "odd and unusual."

I felt alright enough to weed my front garden and start planning out a raised veggie garden out back. Because of the cold and never-ending winter, it has been ages since I've been outside for more than a few minutes. I started turning pink while out this afternoon, after only about an hour or so. That's just sad, lol.

But hey, maybe Sir will stop picking on me for being so ghostly pale now. I can hope anyway! The man has had an unnatural retention of color all winter and the ability to tan with ease. I'm not at all jealous about that...

OH! Chris introduced me to a webcomic over the winter. Now, it is about guns and Texas. Blegh. BUT, it has the redeeming quality of having a storyline that features polyamory and kinky people. Failure to Fire. That is today's comic and I soooo wanted to leave this comment down below:

"I'd love to get my three significant others in a room together. That would be highly entertaining. The guys would end up talking about things I don't understand. My girlfriend and I would be our usual, weird selves with a steady supply of coffee. And at some point, I'd no longer want to be wearing clothes. That happens.

I have no projection of what might follow after that. Though likely nothing but me being naked, I'd like to explore the possibility. Just to be sure, lol."

That right there is why I only lurk on the internet. I take up a small, tiny part of it posting here, but I try not to post elsewhere because god only knows what I'll say.

Back to no answers

Ugh, there have been moments of wanting to throw in the towel lately. What was shingles is now not shingles. The pain spread across my entire abdomen, which shingles doesn't do. It's weird like that, staying only on one half of the body. That's back to square one.

I was given antibiotics for what might be some kind of bladder/kidney infection with the pelvic pain. But that's as much of a shot in the dark as anything.

I've had nerve pain since I was 10. From my head to my toes, I have chronic nerve pain. It's never been in my abdomen before, but I guess this is good a time to start as any. There's also muscle spasms and tightness everywhere. Then there's the fact that someone can poke me and it'll feel like I was hit with a stick (or pipe, something along those lines.) To top off the mess that is my body, I dislocate all the time along with various subluxations along my spine. Shoulders, hips, ribs...they pop out of place every single day.

While I've known for some time there's a larger picture going on here, I have never wanted to get that confirmed. Secretly, I always hoped that one day it would all go away. Or I'd get better. At the same time, I'm not in any way surprised. I come from a family of back and nerve problems.

It's the lack of answers that's driving me insane. At this point I almost done care what it is so long as I can get an answer. We're going to hope these antibiotics fix the pelvic pain and discomfort. Then hoping the total picture of all my medical history of pain will point the doctor in a specific direction.

Or I might just go insane. Believe me, no one wants that. :-P

Update on current health

It's been a heck of a week. I haven't been writing for two reasons. For one, I feel god awful. The other is that a lot of the medical stuff has been up in the air.

Monday, I went for lab work in the morning. By two in the afternoon, my abdominal pain had spiked severely enough that I went back to the doctor's office. The nice nurse working the front desk told me to go to their ER affiliate. The doctor I saw Saturday wanted a CT scan done anyway and the hospital would be quicker, just in case it was something life threatening. So off to the hospital I went. The staff was really great. The CT scan came back clear and I was sent home.

Tuesday, I was called in to the doctor's office to meet my new primary doctor and follow up with him. I normally don't like doctors. I like this one, a lot. Two hours later, he had run down the list of what everything could be for the upper abdominal pain. He was far more concerned with the pelvic pain as the pain killers weren't helping that at all. Just as I was about to be discharged, he came running back to the room. He asked, "Have you ever had shingles before?"  Yes, when I was 11 years old. Oh...Ohhhh. Right. That makes total sense. I was given a script for more pain killers and acyclovir.

Not just shingles, but internal shingles. Because shingles isn't horrible enough that it has to travel towards my organs to cause me pain. And then when it flares, my entire abdomen and back feel on fire. I didn't start breaking out in bumps until Wednesday evening, and even then, there aren't many. It's basically staying inside my body.

Wednesday, I had to go for an ultrasound (external and internal) to see what might be causing the pelvic pain. Let me tell you, I never wanted to curl up and die as much as that morning. Having a full bladder for the test was sheer agony. The external test hurt like a mother fucker because the very nice woman had to press down on all the spots that hurt like a bitch. The internal one didn't bother me at all.

Every morning since then has brought on more pelvic pain and some new symptoms. So hopefully that'll point the doctor in the right direction. I got a call Friday morning saying my ultrasound came back clear. I don't know what the next step is, but it feels bladder and/or kidney related, given the new symptoms.

The shingles meds are helping. The pain killers are decent for that, but aren't doing a damn thing for the pelvic and back pain.

Sir is very worried. Lisa hates that she can't be with me as she's still recovering from her surgery. Chris just wants to snuggle with me and make it all go away.

I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday to talk about how the shingles meds are helping and the pelvic pain. Hopefully he can pull through again and figure out everything. Of course I end up with two god awful painful illnesses at once. Ones that aren't presenting normally either.

Now, I'm going to lay down because sitting up hurts. I will catch up on other blogs when I'm feeling decent again.

Grrrrrr

There must be something in the air. God awful winter and now that it's getting nice, other things start blowing in...

An ex of mine messaged Chris recently asking about me. Yeah...

Then, I get an email from a guy who no matter what I do or say, will not back the fuck off. We got coffee, once, three years ago. Let it go man. Seriously.

And I'm trying to enjoy myself, playing some games online. This guy says in the common chat "U chat angl?" (angl being part of my screen name). Then tries to private chat with me. Of course I decline. And he goes on to call me out in the main chat for ignoring him. Really??? I wasn't talking at all. I wanted to play a silly little game. Why is it so hard for men to take rejection? I don't owe any random stranger anything and shouldn't be made to feel bad about it.

This is me, with blankets

There's a reason I'm in my home, not out with people. I don't want to socialize, especially not with idiots on the internet.

Grrrrrrr!!!!

More on the "something is in the air" bit...I've not been alright lately with my physical health. Things have been odd and strange for 2 months now. While Lisa was in the hospital, I wasn't doing so good myself but I hung in there for her benefit. This last week has been bad though. I saw a doctor yesterday. I'm going for lab work with a blood sample tomorrow. A ct scan is also in my immediate future.

Hooray for expanding abdominal pain...woo :-P

So hopefully the docs can see what's wrong or figure that shit out. Then I can go back to taking care of Lisa. Because we're both not allowed to be god awful at the same time, lol.

Pretty Pretty Princesses

Sir fixed me yesterday evening. Apparently I was more off kilter than I realized. He said my eyes looked all panicked and afraid. It's not too hard to gather that Sir was disturbed that I was looking at Him like that. I honestly had no idea. So He made it all better. He's good like that. The man gets into my brain, even when I'm not really there.

Side note: There is totally a difference between thinking and braining.

Then Sir put on Frozen, which I have to say was an amazing movie with pretty pretty princesses (and a pretty pretty snow monster, lol). All the songs were amazing. The dialogue fantastic. I highly recommend it.

I also got to meet a friend of Sir's that I've been hearing about for the longest time. I liked her, a lot. She's adorable, bookish, a bit shy and awkward. She helped me gang up on Sir a little. I was amused. Now that I've met her, hopefully my mind will take a chill pill when Sir mentions her. (I may be a tad insecure a possessive bitch curious about His female friends.)

Weirdly enough, now that I've met her, my mind is going: "Why don't you like her? She's awesome. Wait, do you like her? Because you totally should. I like her. You should keep her. Heck I want to keep her."

I have never claimed to be rational...though it makes complete sense to my mind. Now that I've met her, I see the person, not the imagined threat my mind created. Granted, the logic behind feeling threatened is a little sketchy but I swear the rest is reasonable enough.

Hmmm, gotta think about that one. I think there's something there worth analyzing about whether starting from an irrational starting point can lead to rational conclusions.

Also, Lisa is doing alright. She has a bit of a fever we're keeping an eye on. Her husband is also stepping up. I'm still watching though. Very carefully.

She says I'm more myself. I agree to a certain extent. The voice I'm writing and reading this in is not the normal one. Well, not one of the usual tones. There's a bit of a "little" to all this. Hence why watching a pretty pretty princess movie was so fantastic. And the overly used "totally"s going on.

It's alright though. Maybe a few more nights of good sleep will get me back to "me" or something like that, lol. If nothing else, it's interesting. :-D