Imperfect

There was one squee worthy thought in my last post that I didn't touch upon because it would have overtaken the rest of the fun. So what am I talking about?

Well, first you need some background information. When I'm around Sir, I'm always put together. Not high maintenance by any means but I have my hair tamed, nice clothing, most of the time make-up on. All the things people do to make a good appearance and to be more desirable.

Yes, He has woken up next to me but that's different. I think He's only seen me not give a shit of what I look like once, when I was having a god awful period a couple months ago. That day, I did not care about anything and He was going to have to live with it. To His credit, He was perfect. That was a one off kind of situation.

So when He wanted me to come over after gardening all day? Ummm, even in gardening clothing? I'm sure there was still dirt on me in several places...

He did and basically eluded to sexy fun times. He didn't care. Not only did He not care, apparently I was still attractive to Him.

That's a big deal and pretty damn fantastic. It's one thing to be found attractive when I'm trying, but a whole other level when I'm just me on an average day.

*squeeeeee*

I was allowed to be imperfect. That level of acceptance is going to do wonders for my self-image and self-esteem. I really do love that man and how He continues to surprise me, in a good way.

Pushing Boundaries

Evil, god damn sadist!

I loved every second of it....jerk. :-P

Sir invited me over yesterday for a couple hours before He had to go off to do other things in the evening. I was already in a happy place because when I was dragging my feet about pulling weeds outside earlier in the day, Sir helped motivate me. I finished that a little before Sir texted me about coming over.

So I made sure He was alright with me in garden clothes, probably still had dirt on me somewhere. He said that He didn't care, and was alluding to some sexy fun times happening today.

They did happen. But He made me work for every last inch. It was a toss between a personal growth moment and the fact that I apparently amuse the hell out of Sir when I'm put in situations that make me slightly uncomfortable.

I don't initiate things. I talk too much. I flail. I think too much. All the uncomfortable feelings of having the illusion of being in control. I'm not stupid. It was an illusion, nothing more. Even that...ugh.  *flail*

I worked for every last little inch that He outright told me was going to happen. Every kiss, every article of clothing that was removed, what would come next and how. That was all me because that's what He wanted.

It wasn't until I begged for Him to fuck me--I didn't care how, just that it needed to happen--that He dropped the illusion and took full control. He took me right there on the floor. It was fantastic. The moment His cock was inside me, it didn't matter how long we had sex or if I had an orgasm.

I was already riding the waves of bliss. He teased and played with my mind, a very sadist game of torture that I had to be fully involved in--throw myself into the fire willingly. And really, nothing makes me hotter or happier than when He fucks with my mind. Just at the edge of being in control of things, He takes back full control and claims what it His.

I couldn't have asked for more. It's something I never would have thought of in any fantasy, and of course the reality was so much better for it.

During all this, I kept telling Him how lucky He was. I'd never push myself into such an emotionally vulnerable...stretchy...situation for anyone else. And He is lucky to have me.

I'm luckier. :-)

Personality Differences

There's a new tab up above that I've been meaning to add for ages. It's fairly straightforward of who people are and how long they've been around. I'm fairly certain it was Blondie who commented about being very confused by all the people. I hope that helps.

I forget that you all aren't in my head with me, having access to years of memories. Don't worry, I do the same thing with Sir...and my therapist for that matter. It's a personality quirk of mine. It even happened yesterday. I thought something was common knowledge and apparently I obfuscated the issue. Something I excel at, by the way.

Anyway, I saw Sir on Tuesday evening. He essentially handed me a book to read about personality types. It was quite fascinating, and based on Myers Briggs and Keirsey. I was a fraction away from either a ENFJ or an ENTJ. The key difference between the two is empathy and how those types influence the people around them. ENFJ is all empathy and compassion, gentle guidance. ENTJ is no nonsense, my way or you're wrong.

What surprised me was Sir saw far more of the ENTJ in me. And it really does go to show that I'm very different around different people. How I treat adults (including myself) and how I treat children are night and day. Around children and animals, I'm the eternal mother. We can work out the problem until it's fixed. Around adults? Hahaha, it's my way. Because I'm right and I know better.

Except when I don't. And Sir gives me looks. Because He knows better. I love you, Sir. *smiles and bats eyes*

This is because as I was reading this book, one personality type had me laughing so hard because it was Sir. INTJ, otherwise known as the mastermind. He has literally said things to me nearly word for word that are part of that personality. Like, once something is known? It's known and doesn't have to be reestablished.

It explains so much about Him. Once He establishes a baseline, that's how it is until He changes it. If there are no active changes, then everything still stands as it was before. Which is maddening to someone like me, because I need updates on information. Even if nothing has changed, I still want confirmation because I need to know that I'm working with the most current information.

This is the very reason why I worry about things between us when He doesn't. Nothing has changed for Him so He doesn't see why I worry. Whereas I worry because nothing has been established for the present, only the past. What was then doesn't mean what is now, though I'll have to adjust because that how He works.

If we ever drive each other insane, it'll be for that reason. Thankfully, I'm not a pure ENTJ (who is funnily enough the Fieldmaster) and can switch on the high empathy to work out issues in a peaceful context...instead of taking over the world and setting on fire that which displeases me. :-P

That's what we had fun talking about on Tuesday. Nothing terribly kinky until He was teasing me next to my car. Rubbing me through the skirt just enough to tempt me. Sadist...

NRE and Other Relationships

NRE (new relationship energy)...oh the lovely things it does to people.

Friends of mine that I've mentioned here before, Kevin and Rebecca...well apparently they are seeing this new woman and now they Own her?? I'm going to keep my thoughts to myself about all that. Frankly because I don't think it needs to be said.

I know I'm highly susceptible to NRE. Thank god Sir was/is sensible and I love Him so much for that right now. That man is the voice of reason; I need to remember that more often. I can be the wild one and He can continue being sensible. Balance each other out. But someone needs to be the voice of reason...

Or people make decisions that have a high probability of crashing and burning.

(Seriously, we were talking about this recently. He's been that good guy His entire life. Whereas for me? There are things that upon reflection were incredibly reckless. There's a good decade worth of moments where I wonder, "how did things go as well as they did." It was so worth it though, lol)

Other than shaking my head at my feed on Fet, I've been busy the last several days planning a trip that's in less than two months. I'll be spending over a week with Chris in July. Our plans of seeing each other later this month fell through for a few reasons. But July will be our friends commitment ceremony that I mentioned a while back.

It's a small, intimate event. The big white wedding will be some time next year, probably in the Fall. This will be the religious ceremony that they couldn't have with their family. He follows a Norse tradition, whereas she leans towards the Greeks. Their families are extremely Christian and are already upset that the big white wedding won't be in a church.

Honestly, it reminds me of collaring ceremonies. Something that the outside, general public just wouldn't understand. So we've been trying to get all the details together. Food planning, attire, arrivals and finding space for everyone, planning a girls night out the night before. Chris and I have been doing what we can to help our friends with ironing out everything.

Not to mention that another couple we're friends with is getting married in November. There's just so much going on within that group of friends. Chris and I have joked about it that we're actually really glad we'll never be getting married. We're so happy to stay dating for the foreseeable future because we'll always have our own space.

I think Sir's reasonableness is rubbing off on me, lol. Reasonable expectations of relationships and progression therein is not something I've ever been good at. See the above of being a bit on the wild side. Either I wanted too much, too quickly or I had casual flings with people who wanted a relationship. Not to mention getting involved with people who were very bad for me because I rushed into a relationship.

There may actually be a good balance of all that now. I'm in no rush to go anywhere with any relationship. Just be open to seeing what happens. I think that's a healthier place for me to be.

Obsessive? Maybe a little...

I completely forgot to mention that I saw Sir recently. Two Fridays ago, I was still monster sitting and He came over to keep me company. It was a few hours after my post about how unsubmissive I was feeling. But thankfully He was there because my back decided it no longer wanted to cooperate and was doing something really funky to my hips, and the nerves going down my right leg.

Sir was telling me about His new job that He'll be starting in a couple of weeks. O.O

I have since reburied my head in the sand because I don't want to think about what He does. It's nothing bad, just either "curiosity will kill the cat" (me) or I'll worry too much. It's a great opportunity for Him and I'm super excited, don't get me wrong. Everything in this new job should be better on all counts.

Just don't ask me to think about it, LOL. I will rock the same tunnel vision I pick on Lisa for having, hahaha.

As for me, the last week has been spent outside in my various gardens. Dirt. Glorious dirt that makes me so damn happy. It's like a happy pill. I've also decided to grow a little bit of everything this year. So much so that I grabbed a notebook to jot down results and plan for next year.

I may have a tiny, wee bit of an obsession. It's good for me, even my therapist says so.

In the raised garden there is 4 broccoli plants, 2 peas, yellow and green squash, 2 cauliflower, 2 brussel sprouts, a cucumber, and a melon plant.

Everything else is in pots: 6 tomato plants, 11 pepper plants, 9 herbs including chocolate mint (mojitos anyone??), russet potatoes....And last night on a spur of the moment decision, I now have 5 strawberry plants. There's also a random raspberry bush planted in the yard that I've had in a pot for a few years. I'm hoping that will do something lol.

Next year is all planned out as well. Instead of one raised garden, there will be four. I'm getting rid of all my grass in a yard that doesn't have much going for it. The main part of the yard is only 39' X 14'. At this point, the space is worth more to me designed as a veggie and fruit garden.

That's what I'm keeping busy doing, along with all the indoor cleaning. Today I'm going to Lisa's to help her pull weeds from her front garden so I should get around to go do that.

Hope y'all have a great day. :-)

Introspection

It's already been a very long week, after a previously long week. I've been out in the gardens getting them ready for the season. It's hard, fulfilling work that leaves me with a lot of time to think. Also, I bought a new book recently on ethics, specifically for those who follow some aspect of modern paganism. When, Why...If  It's a good read; I'm about half way through it. Maybe when I'm done I'll write more about it.

Yesterday's introspection was interesting. I'm struggling with the whole idea of submission, likely because I'm upending the status quo inside my mind. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that even if I could give it up, I wouldn't want to do that.

My sexuality is buried under the normal layers of society and having been raised Catholic. Then there are more personal, traumatic layers. What BDSM does is strip all of that away. It makes sense that I sometimes trigger during play, as the walls come up and are shattered. The person I am underneath all of that is one heck of a good time. Sexy, teasing, sensual, obedient, pleasing, and satisfying. That right there is my raw sexuality, and isn't that really why we do all of this? The freedom to fulfill whatever our hearts and minds truly desire.

So while submission may feel like skin that doesn't fit right (at the moment), it'll settle in again. And well, it doesn't take very much at all to have me eagerly begging, especially with Sir. :-D

Painting a Picture with Words

Say, how many times have I watched you die,

only to crawl back to me.

You think it's so easy, this forgiveness,

this penance.

But I've been torn apart 

a thousand times

so I can be the strength that you needed.

I'm done playing this part in your 

self hate.

There's the door,

see yourself out.

That literally just found its way onto a page as I'm sitting here in Lisa's kitchen, monster sitting. So I thought I'd share.

It feels like the ending verse of a song.

Honestly, it's not singularly focused. Most of my creative works never are. I see pieces of myself more than any external issues. I don't know. I like it though. Needs Amy Lee style vocals with a touch of rock edginess to it.

There's almost this feeling of a verbal exchange that takes place before the last verse. The previous verses were this one voice (person A), lamenting and pouring out this heart wrenching despair. Where the chorus is the other person (person B) trying to talk the first person off an emotional ledge (probably of their own making). And the last verse is person B talking to person A because its been one too many times. And person B needs to pick up their own pieces in order to survive and they can't do that if person A is constantly throwing this darkness out.

The more interesting part is it feels like one person. Just two very distinct parts. It works as two people, but I think it's more interesting as two voices inside of a single person.

This is often how I write. The words pour onto the page, physical or virtual. But there's always more of a story going on behind it. What led up to it, what is the viewpoint that may not be obvious. The backstories and pieces that make them more than just words.

Even the non-creative works when I'm ranting about this, that or the other thing, you miss all of it. That's my fault. Words only get you so far without a better context.

Take my previous post for example. There's the person who is sick of being submissive and fighting against it so very hard. "I'll make my own choices. They'll be mine and it's better that way."  But only seeing that? You miss everything else. You miss why that voice came to the surface. The reason? Making decisions that impact only me and are for me do not satisfy. It's like clothing that someone puts on and at first it feels alright. Though the longer the person wears it, the more they look at it, the less happy they are. It doesn't look right there, and doesn't feel right here. Maybe that top of independence works well with the skirt of taking care of others, but it doesn't work with the pants of self-gratification.

I'm not sure any of this makes sense beyond my own mind. That's always my concern when I write here. With the creative writings, I can tell a story and paint a picture easier than with simple free writing. I put my emotions, my heart, my life, my soul into creative works. I think I keep a distance from that when I write here normally.

Something to work on. And if you made it all the way through, thank you. I hope there's a tiny bit of a clearer picture painted here today.