Pushing Boundaries

Evil, god damn sadist!

I loved every second of it....jerk. :-P

Sir invited me over yesterday for a couple hours before He had to go off to do other things in the evening. I was already in a happy place because when I was dragging my feet about pulling weeds outside earlier in the day, Sir helped motivate me. I finished that a little before Sir texted me about coming over.

So I made sure He was alright with me in garden clothes, probably still had dirt on me somewhere. He said that He didn't care, and was alluding to some sexy fun times happening today.

They did happen. But He made me work for every last inch. It was a toss between a personal growth moment and the fact that I apparently amuse the hell out of Sir when I'm put in situations that make me slightly uncomfortable.

I don't initiate things. I talk too much. I flail. I think too much. All the uncomfortable feelings of having the illusion of being in control. I'm not stupid. It was an illusion, nothing more. Even that...ugh.  *flail*

I worked for every last little inch that He outright told me was going to happen. Every kiss, every article of clothing that was removed, what would come next and how. That was all me because that's what He wanted.

It wasn't until I begged for Him to fuck me--I didn't care how, just that it needed to happen--that He dropped the illusion and took full control. He took me right there on the floor. It was fantastic. The moment His cock was inside me, it didn't matter how long we had sex or if I had an orgasm.

I was already riding the waves of bliss. He teased and played with my mind, a very sadist game of torture that I had to be fully involved in--throw myself into the fire willingly. And really, nothing makes me hotter or happier than when He fucks with my mind. Just at the edge of being in control of things, He takes back full control and claims what it His.

I couldn't have asked for more. It's something I never would have thought of in any fantasy, and of course the reality was so much better for it.

During all this, I kept telling Him how lucky He was. I'd never push myself into such an emotionally vulnerable...stretchy...situation for anyone else. And He is lucky to have me.

I'm luckier. :-)

Something Unexpected

Mmmmm! Mmmm mmmm mmmm!!!

Can that just be my post?? Lol

It began with me giggling evilly. Sir wanted to know why. Oh just thinking naughty thoughts. He wanted specifics. So I sent a few thoughts, which I guess turned Him on. That led to us hanging out today, and among other things. :-D

One of my kinky desires has been to be taken up the ass with no lube, no stretching. Just being possessed. The blogs I've read have not helped this matter because I've read numerous accounts of that very thing. If I'm honest, it was one of those things that scared me, even as it excited me. In my silly, twisted mind that made me want it all the more.

So what was it like? Painful. Obvious, I know. After about a minute or so, my body yielded. That sense of surrealism when endorphins are rushing through my body. The push of pain only heightening pleasure. The surrender. I was simply His to take and use, knowing I asked for it. Pulled out in a whisper, but I did ask.

What happened today was not what I expected. Not just with the anal sex, and believe me that was very unexpected. There was a lot of foreplay and possession going on. I felt wanted and desired in a way that sparked the very core of who I am. It wasn't what He did, but how. The passion, the playfulness. The peace that filled me for a few hours. Moments beyond words.

He made a comment, during the end of our time together, about how we needed to spend time together without being all over each other. I basically replied: I'm a sexual creature. Take it or leave it. But that's not the right answer for it, not really. While it's true in its own right, it's more than that.

I pray the day never comes when seeing Him doesn't make my pulse race and my breath hitch. That I will never get enough of touching and kissing Him, being held in His arms.

Want in on a secret? It would never, ever be that way without everything else we are. He's the one who sees me, truly sees me. We were talking about a person from my past last night, and how my heart has been stifled by fear. Why I'm so suspicious, even now. But truly, He's the one who walks me out of the shadows of my mind. He embraces me just as I am, with understanding and compassion. He opened my eyes to whatever divine path I'm being led down.

When He passes the internal walls that hold everything I keep from the world, as if they don't exist, how could the sexual walls be any different? He says I'm easy, and I say it too. But Sir, only with you, and you earned every ounce of trust, along with the ease of surrender. So if the day would ever come when He doesn't ignite the flames of passion, something much deeper is very wrong.

If the price to pay is the spark of desire that never fades, I'll pay it gladly every day.

The night with Sir

The night with Sir...

We had a lot of fun!! The weather did not cooperate for plans so we just had to stay inside. I know, it was such a shame!

Of course we had a fair amount of sex and other fun. There was a mirror hanging on the wall across from the bed. It seemed like such an odd place to put one, ya know? Until Sir had me on hands and knees on the bed facing it as He took me from behind. Then I completely understood!! :-D

We had a lovely time at dinner. The restaurant we went to was not what either of us expected. It had a higher end feel with a relaxed dinner service. By that I mean the restaurant wasn't trying to get us in and out as quickly as possible. Instead there was appropriate time was given between courses, friendly staff without being overbearing. The food was fantastic!

It gave Sir and I a chance to catch up. It was nice chatting about what's going on in our lives, as well as discussions over current political happenings. We do have some differences but we don't argue about them. I love that we're able to share opposing view points with an open mind.

Now it wasn't all roses. Unfortunately, I had a severe panic attack. Sir was fantastic about it. I couldn't have asked for better support. I'm used to people not knowing what to do or just walking away. Even though Sir was put in a difficult position, He handled it really well. I am so thankful that He's never rejected me.

He told me He'd not let anyone hurt me. That He would do His best not to cause me pain. After things had calmed down a bit, He asked, "Who's my special girl?"  That would be me. *blushes and smiles*  He's really amazing.

Other than that one small hiccup, it was a really great time. I always love spending time with Him. We were all snuggled up in bed. We started watching Burn Notice as we cuddled, so of course I now have another show to watch. Silly man, getting me into addictive TV shows.

I should be seeing Him on the 9th. I'd like to see Him before that but with the holiday coming up, there may not be time. It's unfortunate that we both often have busy schedules. Either way, we'll figure something out soon because I can never get enough of Him. :)

Misperceptions

Sir and I have been really good lately. Like G-O-O-D!!! Even with the hiccup while I was babysitting, it ended up being a good thing as it brought our focus back to each other. We're both doing our best to not let it get to that point again.

I get to see Sir on Thursday as I need help moving some furniture. I'm getting a dining set and an armoire delivered from a local antique store. I'm going to modify the armoire to have shelves instead of a hanging closet on the one side. I've been waiting to find one that wasn't outrageous for a little over a year. See, I do have some patience! It was a steal too, at $76.50 after a 10% discount.

I asked Sir if He'd have time this week to help. As a thank you I'm making something delicious on the grill. Truly, I appreciate that He's willing to come help me move furniture up stairs and around halls. Granted, this is likely not the last time I'll ask for this favor. I can make up for it in sexy ways at least. My king sized bed is calling for us to have fun on it. :-D

Speaking of sex, apparently there are people in the local kink community who believe that I'm a slut. That I'm sleeping with lots of people. Granted, it's not terribly unusual for people to do such so I don't think I'm being judged for it. Sir and I think it's hilarious. Probably because we know the truth. The only person I'm having sex with is Him. I have a staggering low count of sexual partners.

If it's not been clear, we are lucky if we get the chance to have sex once a month. It's nothing against either of us. Just a statement of fact. It's not that the interest isn't there but when we get so little time together, we often focus on each other. If we have sex, awesome. If not, we still have a wonderful time together. Conversation can be just as satisfying as any orgasm. It's not the norm and we do understand that.

Otherwise, my head space is doing better. That we're doing better is also helping. I wanted to snuggle up in bed with Him last night. Instead I pulled up a blanket that I didn't let go of all night. I had a dream of Him and woke up clutching the blanket as if it were His arm. I miss Him dearly. I will be very happy to see my Sir on Thursday. :)

Asking For Help

I came home Saturday evening. Exhausted, worn out, glad to be back. Things didn't quite go as planned on the last day.

I was giving the monster a bath on Friday afternoon. When I carried him into the master bedroom to dry him off, my right ankle gave out on me. I could barely put my weight on it, let alone be able to carry the monster down and up the stairs.

I sent Sir a text, freaking out. I didn't know what I was going to do. He offered His assistance, but made me expressly ask for help. I did notice that, heh. He was a god send. Excellent with the monster and was exactly what I needed.

Not only did He help with the monster, He took excellent care of me. I asked that He stay the night. If something happened in the night, I didn't want to be alone and injured. I also didn't know how I'd be the next morning. It was a good call on my part. Especially since I had bashed the back of my head against cabinets a few hours earlier. Apparently I didn't make that clear until the next morning. I did say that I only bumped my head so the error was on my end. Sir was "incredulous" that I don't take better care of myself. It was no wonder I was overheating and feverish.

I received a lecture for that. Sir made it known that I overdo and wear myself out. That it wasn't acceptable.  I couldn't help anyone if I always gave too much of myself. Before He left Saturday morning, He asked for all that needed to be done. He did everything necessary, telling me I wasn't to do anything else. My job was to take care of myself and rest. I tried to verbally resist. He countered by making the line very clear.

It had two interesting effects. My "little" made an appearance. I typically keep that far from Him, but head injuries have this habit of lowering my walls and defenses. He handled it well though. And I did explain what happened so He wouldn't think I had lost my mind, heh. It was only one aspect of my personality that came through in our time together. Sometimes I should learn to keep my mouth shut. Avoiding head injuries would help that. The other effect was that I did take care of myself. I have been ever since. I knew He was right. Plus, He gave me an explicit line not to cross so I haven't done so.

Friday night and Saturday morning were not all business though. Once the monster was in bed, Sir and I enjoyed time together. He ordered in for us, yummy Chinese food. Then we watched a silly, fun movie called "Galaxy Quest." We crashed for the evening after that. Both of us were exhausted, more than ready to sleep.

The next morning, after taking care of the pups and the monster, we crawled back into bed until a little after 10 am, sleeping on and off. Yes, we did have some fun for ourselves. But mainly we cuddled and talked. About chakras, energy play, energy blockages that block natural flow. I talked and cried. He did His best to help heal some old wounds.

We talked about us. Things unsaid, the uncertain future, how even if romance wasn't in our future that he'd always be in my life. I said I didn't think I could handle that. He disagreed saying that if it happened, we'd both be prepared for it. This prompted a story. It'll be up tomorrow for you to read. Because He only became part of my life fairly recently, there's a lot He doesn't know. There's a lot that I'm just now realizing and figuring out. I'll have a post ready for after the story to provide explanation and insight.

We spoke of other, private topics. Of conversations that need to happen, but not yet. I think parts were lost in translation. Maybe the story and following explanation will help clarify matters.

Since Wednesday though, we've been doing really good. We've resumed connecting. I felt comfortable to turn to Him again. I did so without hesitation on Friday. If I've learned anything, and if this is meant to work out in the end, we're the kind of people who will find a way.