Evil, god damn sadist!
I loved every second of it....jerk. :-P
Sir invited me over yesterday for a couple hours before He had to go off to do other things in the evening. I was already in a happy place because when I was dragging my feet about pulling weeds outside earlier in the day, Sir helped motivate me. I finished that a little before Sir texted me about coming over.
So I made sure He was alright with me in garden clothes, probably still had dirt on me somewhere. He said that He didn't care, and was alluding to some sexy fun times happening today.
They did happen. But He made me work for every last inch. It was a toss between a personal growth moment and the fact that I apparently amuse the hell out of Sir when I'm put in situations that make me slightly uncomfortable.
I don't initiate things. I talk too much. I flail. I think too much. All the uncomfortable feelings of having the illusion of being in control. I'm not stupid. It was an illusion, nothing more. Even that...ugh. *flail*
I worked for every last little inch that He outright told me was going to happen. Every kiss, every article of clothing that was removed, what would come next and how. That was all me because that's what He wanted.
It wasn't until I begged for Him to fuck me--I didn't care how, just that it needed to happen--that He dropped the illusion and took full control. He took me right there on the floor. It was fantastic. The moment His cock was inside me, it didn't matter how long we had sex or if I had an orgasm.
I was already riding the waves of bliss. He teased and played with my mind, a very sadist game of torture that I had to be fully involved in--throw myself into the fire willingly. And really, nothing makes me hotter or happier than when He fucks with my mind. Just at the edge of being in control of things, He takes back full control and claims what it His.
I couldn't have asked for more. It's something I never would have thought of in any fantasy, and of course the reality was so much better for it.
During all this, I kept telling Him how lucky He was. I'd never push myself into such an emotionally vulnerable...stretchy...situation for anyone else. And He is lucky to have me.
I'm luckier. :-)
Showing posts with label play. Show all posts
Showing posts with label play. Show all posts
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Something Unexpected
Mmmmm! Mmmm mmmm mmmm!!!
Can that just be my post?? Lol
It began with me giggling evilly. Sir wanted to know why. Oh just thinking naughty thoughts. He wanted specifics. So I sent a few thoughts, which I guess turned Him on. That led to us hanging out today, and among other things. :-D
One of my kinky desires has been to be taken up the ass with no lube, no stretching. Just being possessed. The blogs I've read have not helped this matter because I've read numerous accounts of that very thing. If I'm honest, it was one of those things that scared me, even as it excited me. In my silly, twisted mind that made me want it all the more.
So what was it like? Painful. Obvious, I know. After about a minute or so, my body yielded. That sense of surrealism when endorphins are rushing through my body. The push of pain only heightening pleasure. The surrender. I was simply His to take and use, knowing I asked for it. Pulled out in a whisper, but I did ask.
What happened today was not what I expected. Not just with the anal sex, and believe me that was very unexpected. There was a lot of foreplay and possession going on. I felt wanted and desired in a way that sparked the very core of who I am. It wasn't what He did, but how. The passion, the playfulness. The peace that filled me for a few hours. Moments beyond words.
He made a comment, during the end of our time together, about how we needed to spend time together without being all over each other. I basically replied: I'm a sexual creature. Take it or leave it. But that's not the right answer for it, not really. While it's true in its own right, it's more than that.
I pray the day never comes when seeing Him doesn't make my pulse race and my breath hitch. That I will never get enough of touching and kissing Him, being held in His arms.
Want in on a secret? It would never, ever be that way without everything else we are. He's the one who sees me, truly sees me. We were talking about a person from my past last night, and how my heart has been stifled by fear. Why I'm so suspicious, even now. But truly, He's the one who walks me out of the shadows of my mind. He embraces me just as I am, with understanding and compassion. He opened my eyes to whatever divine path I'm being led down.
When He passes the internal walls that hold everything I keep from the world, as if they don't exist, how could the sexual walls be any different? He says I'm easy, and I say it too. But Sir, only with you, and you earned every ounce of trust, along with the ease of surrender. So if the day would ever come when He doesn't ignite the flames of passion, something much deeper is very wrong.
If the price to pay is the spark of desire that never fades, I'll pay it gladly every day.
Can that just be my post?? Lol
It began with me giggling evilly. Sir wanted to know why. Oh just thinking naughty thoughts. He wanted specifics. So I sent a few thoughts, which I guess turned Him on. That led to us hanging out today, and among other things. :-D
One of my kinky desires has been to be taken up the ass with no lube, no stretching. Just being possessed. The blogs I've read have not helped this matter because I've read numerous accounts of that very thing. If I'm honest, it was one of those things that scared me, even as it excited me. In my silly, twisted mind that made me want it all the more.
So what was it like? Painful. Obvious, I know. After about a minute or so, my body yielded. That sense of surrealism when endorphins are rushing through my body. The push of pain only heightening pleasure. The surrender. I was simply His to take and use, knowing I asked for it. Pulled out in a whisper, but I did ask.
What happened today was not what I expected. Not just with the anal sex, and believe me that was very unexpected. There was a lot of foreplay and possession going on. I felt wanted and desired in a way that sparked the very core of who I am. It wasn't what He did, but how. The passion, the playfulness. The peace that filled me for a few hours. Moments beyond words.
He made a comment, during the end of our time together, about how we needed to spend time together without being all over each other. I basically replied: I'm a sexual creature. Take it or leave it. But that's not the right answer for it, not really. While it's true in its own right, it's more than that.
I pray the day never comes when seeing Him doesn't make my pulse race and my breath hitch. That I will never get enough of touching and kissing Him, being held in His arms.
Want in on a secret? It would never, ever be that way without everything else we are. He's the one who sees me, truly sees me. We were talking about a person from my past last night, and how my heart has been stifled by fear. Why I'm so suspicious, even now. But truly, He's the one who walks me out of the shadows of my mind. He embraces me just as I am, with understanding and compassion. He opened my eyes to whatever divine path I'm being led down.
When He passes the internal walls that hold everything I keep from the world, as if they don't exist, how could the sexual walls be any different? He says I'm easy, and I say it too. But Sir, only with you, and you earned every ounce of trust, along with the ease of surrender. So if the day would ever come when He doesn't ignite the flames of passion, something much deeper is very wrong.
If the price to pay is the spark of desire that never fades, I'll pay it gladly every day.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Anything
I was thinking back to a play party from the spring time the other morning. Overall it was a very fun day, and there are plenty of fond memories. One came to mind though, which I've been mulling over ever since. All I remember is that I wanted something, from that party. I'm not sure what I asked or possibly begged for. I was a touch out of it at the time. I do remember someone asking me what I'd do to get whatever it is that I wanted. I replied, "Anything." The three of them smirked and taunted me at my answer. Who were those people? Sir, Kevin, and Rebecca. Frickin sadists, lol!!
Remembering that little incident, I got to thinking about where I draw personal lines and what that answer of "anything" means to me. If it's not obvious, I trust all three of them not to intentionally harm me, and if something should accidentally happen, help put me back together. Sir has a deeper trust level overall in my day to day life, but as far as play goes, we've talked enough that expectations are set. I also know that I wouldn't have uttered my "anything" answer if Sir hadn't been present at the time. That is reserved for my D/s relationships.
Past Doms, and even Sir to some extent, haven't liked the "anything" answer in reply to what I'd be willing to do. Now you'd think it would inflate their egos, but Doms tend to like specifics. It's very hard to be creative and interesting when one's mind is half floating away in pleasure. That should be noted and taken into consideration. That's all I'm saying about that, lol. However, I understand the perspective of the Dom in that situation.
Contrary to what that "anything" might seem to suggest, it's not an all encompassing word that delves into insane or harmful situations. By the point I'd say that as a response, negotiations and trust have been established. Limits have been discussed. I know Sir isn't about to do something batshit crazy when we play, no matter what I say. So I don't have to say "I'd do anything but x, y, and z" because x, y, and z have already been established.
I've seen this argument for full time slavery thrown about. If a sub doesn't trust their dom not to break limits or stay within consensual realms of interactions, then it's not BDSM or kink, it's abuse. The whole "You'd let your Dom/Master break your arm if he asked?? Because you said 'anything' goes" is just fucking stupid. We play in consent. The endless what-ifs are bullshit and unnecessary.
So it goes for my "anything". In those moments where Sir would ask what I'd give? There is no limit or tit for tat. I'd give Him anything He'd ask for because it's what I want. It's what I signed up for, heh. He would only have to ask, and it's His. There's no "well, today I'm willing to do this." That's not how I function, it's not what relationships are for me. Forget the whole kink aspects, and that's still how I am.
That's what love looks like, right? Love is putting someone else above your own needs, wants, and desires. Love is about focusing on the other person instead of yourself. Why would a power exchange relationship that is clearly supposed to enhance those feelings, why would it be any different? It's not, that's why.
I'd give Sir whatever He desires because I wouldn't ever hold back on Him. So that little word of "anything" is far more powerful and meaningful than I could ever express. I know it's been seen as a flippant answer in the past, but it's one I won't give unless I truly mean it.
Remembering that little incident, I got to thinking about where I draw personal lines and what that answer of "anything" means to me. If it's not obvious, I trust all three of them not to intentionally harm me, and if something should accidentally happen, help put me back together. Sir has a deeper trust level overall in my day to day life, but as far as play goes, we've talked enough that expectations are set. I also know that I wouldn't have uttered my "anything" answer if Sir hadn't been present at the time. That is reserved for my D/s relationships.
Past Doms, and even Sir to some extent, haven't liked the "anything" answer in reply to what I'd be willing to do. Now you'd think it would inflate their egos, but Doms tend to like specifics. It's very hard to be creative and interesting when one's mind is half floating away in pleasure. That should be noted and taken into consideration. That's all I'm saying about that, lol. However, I understand the perspective of the Dom in that situation.
Contrary to what that "anything" might seem to suggest, it's not an all encompassing word that delves into insane or harmful situations. By the point I'd say that as a response, negotiations and trust have been established. Limits have been discussed. I know Sir isn't about to do something batshit crazy when we play, no matter what I say. So I don't have to say "I'd do anything but x, y, and z" because x, y, and z have already been established.
I've seen this argument for full time slavery thrown about. If a sub doesn't trust their dom not to break limits or stay within consensual realms of interactions, then it's not BDSM or kink, it's abuse. The whole "You'd let your Dom/Master break your arm if he asked?? Because you said 'anything' goes" is just fucking stupid. We play in consent. The endless what-ifs are bullshit and unnecessary.
So it goes for my "anything". In those moments where Sir would ask what I'd give? There is no limit or tit for tat. I'd give Him anything He'd ask for because it's what I want. It's what I signed up for, heh. He would only have to ask, and it's His. There's no "well, today I'm willing to do this." That's not how I function, it's not what relationships are for me. Forget the whole kink aspects, and that's still how I am.
That's what love looks like, right? Love is putting someone else above your own needs, wants, and desires. Love is about focusing on the other person instead of yourself. Why would a power exchange relationship that is clearly supposed to enhance those feelings, why would it be any different? It's not, that's why.
I'd give Sir whatever He desires because I wouldn't ever hold back on Him. So that little word of "anything" is far more powerful and meaningful than I could ever express. I know it's been seen as a flippant answer in the past, but it's one I won't give unless I truly mean it.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Neat Freak
Dear Atkins website,
Two and a half hours of doing anything is a workout,
even if I was only cleaning at the time.
Sincerely, a sore but satisfied sub
I have a list that I've barely dented. Granted, I did start the list after finishing several cleaning jobs so they didn't make the list of chores. I was half tempted to add them simply to cross them off to make myself feel better. But that's makes more visual space for the list and I'm a less versus more kind of gal.
This started as a list of things I wanted to do before Sir comes over tomorrow. Just some basic cleaning and straightening. He's a guy. He's not going to notice the small stuff, I think? See now I don't know and He too polite to say anything.
Regardless, my OCD kicked in yesterday and I decided that I'm going to super clean everything in my house from top to bottom. I'm currently working on the kitchen, which I do keep clean. Though I don't always think to dust the lights and wipe down the fridge, or scrub the doors because apparently my hands are filthy when I touch them. Or dust that shelf above the laundry--it is tucked away and under so I can easily ignore the dust and dirt, lol. Wash the windows and ledges, dust the blinds. It's a very long list, just for the kitchen.
It'll likely take me the better part of the week or more to get everything thoroughly cleaned but I'm motivated to do it. When I'm not bogged down by depression, I'm a neat freak. Everything must go in its proper place and be clean. I have another 5 hours of cleaning that I'll be able to get done today (also have to run to the store even though I was just there yesterday, I even had a list! But I forgot some things and need extra for tomorrow). That's probably about all my body will be able to handle before it revolts against me.
Yes, Sir is coming over tomorrow to hang out and have lunch. Though He did tease me by saying that He might be bringing my little friend, and by that He means a gorgeous and glorious glass dildo that I adore. I may have kept myself up a little late last night with fantasies and orgasms because I'm very needy for Sir's touch, kiss, smile...maybe being pinned down to the bed while He whispers half threats, half promises in my ear...Sorry I just spaced out, lol!
Anyway, I decided to spoil Sir with a nice lunch. Home made burgers and fries, with a jalepeno and habenero cheese to top the burgers. And of course some bacon. I'll make up a side salad to pretend to be healthy. For dessert, peanut butter cookies with dark chocolate chips. Mmmmm!!!!
Once last thought: I don't do the housework and cleaning for a "good girl" or praise. It's something that needs to get done. I can't see Sir being the strict disciplinarian that I read about on other blogs, especially about cleaning. But I do miss it now and then. Before Sir, I wasn't only a bedroom sub. Whereas Sir wants me to be more independent and self-sufficient, standing on my own two foot better. He's pushing me into that narrow bedroom submissive position, whether He knows it or not. I am more than capable of running my own life but god help Sir if He ever changes His position on this. That's going to be one hell of a battle. :-P
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
What is Darkness?
We have very different definitions of "darkness." He sees it as the beast within that lacks empathy and compassion. The very worst that humanity can be, which exists in all of us. Bleak and morbid, right? Also, kind of hot...but I'll get back to that.
When I talk about "darkness", I mean in the fun BDSM sense. When He ties me up, beats and humiliates me. The yummy, delicious kind of play that we both love. It's the rougher, pain-filled play. It's when all the layers are stripped away, and I'm laid completely bare, then He grins with that delightful evil glint in His eyes. I know I'm in for something intense that will push my endurance...and I'm as excited as I am nervous, in those moments.
I love when He's gentle and sweet. I adore the soft tenderness that is His usual self. His dominance is the healing, boosting kind. I will always want all of that. It's the balance of the light and dark that makes it perfect.
When He humiliates me, I don't carry the shame beyond the moment. Because I know He absolutely adores me and thinks very highly of me. When He hurts me, I know it'll never be out of anger or malicious harm. He can literally take the air I need to breathe away from me, and I feel completely safe.
He brings so much light into my life that I trust Him to bring a bit of darkness as well.
Which leads me to His thoughts of "darkness"...I've seen it once. I was trembling in fear before He even put the blindfold on me. I sensed the change and my flight instincts kicked in. I wasn't actually afraid of Sir, but self-preservation is a difficult reaction to shut down.
I can still remember that fear. I was shaking in His arms, unable put what I was feeling into words. Maybe it's the emotional masochist in me, but that fear is incredibly attractive. I want Him to put the empathy and compassion aside, if only for a few moments to trigger that fear. And then when our fun is done, slowly come back to ourselves. Give Him the sweet smile to let Him know I'm doing okay. Help Him find His way back to me, if necessary.
I would willingly walk into a scene where I know Sir's version of darkness will appear. It's about trust. I know He's a good person. I know He would never intentionally harm me, which is why He's so damn resistant to letting inner monster loose. He's been the light in the dark for me so many times. I would hope in a scene like that, I could be the bright light to keep my Sir there even if He's just beneath the surface.
And in the end, this is something that is simply a want, a desire. If I never see what He considers darkness again, I can live with that. It's not a need. An extremely dark desire that is likely more appealing in thought than in reality. I'm fully aware of that.
Now what I call darkness? Yeah, that's definitely a need. I enjoy the pain and roughness too much. :-D
It's interesting though, the difference in terminology. Even after all this time, we both still think of our own versions of darkness whenever it gets brought up. We'll have to find a better word for my version of it. Until then, maybe this post will help us bridge the communication gap for talking about our individual ideas of what "dark" play is.
When I talk about "darkness", I mean in the fun BDSM sense. When He ties me up, beats and humiliates me. The yummy, delicious kind of play that we both love. It's the rougher, pain-filled play. It's when all the layers are stripped away, and I'm laid completely bare, then He grins with that delightful evil glint in His eyes. I know I'm in for something intense that will push my endurance...and I'm as excited as I am nervous, in those moments.
When He humiliates me, I don't carry the shame beyond the moment. Because I know He absolutely adores me and thinks very highly of me. When He hurts me, I know it'll never be out of anger or malicious harm. He can literally take the air I need to breathe away from me, and I feel completely safe.
He brings so much light into my life that I trust Him to bring a bit of darkness as well.
Which leads me to His thoughts of "darkness"...I've seen it once. I was trembling in fear before He even put the blindfold on me. I sensed the change and my flight instincts kicked in. I wasn't actually afraid of Sir, but self-preservation is a difficult reaction to shut down.
I can still remember that fear. I was shaking in His arms, unable put what I was feeling into words. Maybe it's the emotional masochist in me, but that fear is incredibly attractive. I want Him to put the empathy and compassion aside, if only for a few moments to trigger that fear. And then when our fun is done, slowly come back to ourselves. Give Him the sweet smile to let Him know I'm doing okay. Help Him find His way back to me, if necessary.
I would willingly walk into a scene where I know Sir's version of darkness will appear. It's about trust. I know He's a good person. I know He would never intentionally harm me, which is why He's so damn resistant to letting inner monster loose. He's been the light in the dark for me so many times. I would hope in a scene like that, I could be the bright light to keep my Sir there even if He's just beneath the surface.And in the end, this is something that is simply a want, a desire. If I never see what He considers darkness again, I can live with that. It's not a need. An extremely dark desire that is likely more appealing in thought than in reality. I'm fully aware of that.
Now what I call darkness? Yeah, that's definitely a need. I enjoy the pain and roughness too much. :-D
It's interesting though, the difference in terminology. Even after all this time, we both still think of our own versions of darkness whenever it gets brought up. We'll have to find a better word for my version of it. Until then, maybe this post will help us bridge the communication gap for talking about our individual ideas of what "dark" play is.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Reconnecting With Sir
I didn't mean to step away from blogging. I'm sorry I left y'all hanging. I had every intention to write as I have things to talk about, which I will get to some of it today. The rest might stay tucked away in the shadows of my mind.
I was actually writing on the 24th. Something for far off, something I wanted to keep close. That's when the hammer of reality shattered the glass of illusions. Removed those rose tinted lenses that the inner romantic loves to wear. I was left shaken to the core and I think I've been afraid to write ever since. I was angry, over silly things that really don't matter.
Not only did I take a step back from here, I was rather distant with Sir. I don't think I was cold, just a bit removed. He's been incredibly busy lately and we were pulling apart again. We did catch it early this time and remedied the situation.
Such as yesterday, as He spent the afternoon at my place. We watched the movie "Music and Lyrics." It was adorable and fun. Plus I got to snuggle up with Him. :)
Then things got very interesting. I'm still in a happy, floating, melting place. That man knows how to push all the right buttons. While we didn't have an intense scene, it was so good to reconnect that way. And being pushed against a cabinet while being passionately kissed is always fun. Heh, I tried to touch Him while I was pressed up against the cabinet and He pushed my hands back down. Yep, I know a non-verbal order when I get one. Lol!!
Then there's always the 10 orgasms Sir literally forced out of me. Restrained, blindfolded, gagged for the first several orgasms (then I had to count the rest, I really didn't think He was going to stop at 10)....yeah, I was getting them whether I liked it or not!! Hee hee! Oh, and I had on a posture collar too. So I couldn't move my head at all. I was His play thing and all I could do was go along for the ride.
We played more after that...well He played with me and I happily sucked His cock...but it was more about the reconnecting, I think. He was barely sadistic at all. I was floating so far in my happy place that I don't think I would have minded if He had been totally mean and evil.
We settled down after that and watched an episode of Chuck. Maybe in the next year we'll finish season one, lol!! He had other places to be that night so that was all of His time I could get. But it was more than enough. It was very nice to have my Sir around yesterday. Even if being around Him makes my nerves flutter every single time.
Okay so He might not understand this...but I think y'all will. Because we'd been cuddling on the couch and very up close with one another, my shirt especially smelled like Sir. I noticed that as I was taking it off for the night. I wanted to still be connected with Him so I took that shirt to bed with me. All curled up on my pillow so I'd have His scent with me all night. It wasn't as good as having Him actually in bed next to me, but it was good enough.
All in all, it was a very good day. I had missed Him dearly.
Oh, one last thing because I said I'd give more details. Later this month, Lisa and I are going to an overnight small resort type place. Getting pampered at the spa and then staying in a gorgeous room with a fireplace and a king size four poster bed. We've already picked out a French restaurant to go to for dinner that night. There's an indoor heated pool. It's going to be fantastic! My diet is going out the window while we're there, for sure. It'll be worth every calorie! :-D
I was actually writing on the 24th. Something for far off, something I wanted to keep close. That's when the hammer of reality shattered the glass of illusions. Removed those rose tinted lenses that the inner romantic loves to wear. I was left shaken to the core and I think I've been afraid to write ever since. I was angry, over silly things that really don't matter.
Not only did I take a step back from here, I was rather distant with Sir. I don't think I was cold, just a bit removed. He's been incredibly busy lately and we were pulling apart again. We did catch it early this time and remedied the situation.
Such as yesterday, as He spent the afternoon at my place. We watched the movie "Music and Lyrics." It was adorable and fun. Plus I got to snuggle up with Him. :)
Then things got very interesting. I'm still in a happy, floating, melting place. That man knows how to push all the right buttons. While we didn't have an intense scene, it was so good to reconnect that way. And being pushed against a cabinet while being passionately kissed is always fun. Heh, I tried to touch Him while I was pressed up against the cabinet and He pushed my hands back down. Yep, I know a non-verbal order when I get one. Lol!!
 |
| Mine is similar to this but more form fitting around the neck. |
We played more after that...well He played with me and I happily sucked His cock...but it was more about the reconnecting, I think. He was barely sadistic at all. I was floating so far in my happy place that I don't think I would have minded if He had been totally mean and evil.
We settled down after that and watched an episode of Chuck. Maybe in the next year we'll finish season one, lol!! He had other places to be that night so that was all of His time I could get. But it was more than enough. It was very nice to have my Sir around yesterday. Even if being around Him makes my nerves flutter every single time.
Okay so He might not understand this...but I think y'all will. Because we'd been cuddling on the couch and very up close with one another, my shirt especially smelled like Sir. I noticed that as I was taking it off for the night. I wanted to still be connected with Him so I took that shirt to bed with me. All curled up on my pillow so I'd have His scent with me all night. It wasn't as good as having Him actually in bed next to me, but it was good enough.
All in all, it was a very good day. I had missed Him dearly.
Oh, one last thing because I said I'd give more details. Later this month, Lisa and I are going to an overnight small resort type place. Getting pampered at the spa and then staying in a gorgeous room with a fireplace and a king size four poster bed. We've already picked out a French restaurant to go to for dinner that night. There's an indoor heated pool. It's going to be fantastic! My diet is going out the window while we're there, for sure. It'll be worth every calorie! :-D
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Pleasant Surprises
I'm finally home. So glad to be back, even if I have a number of unpleasant things to deal with. There was a change in plans as I should have been home yesterday. Well Chris came to pick me up last week because while I love my car, it is completely unreliable for long distances. Things went from stressed to panicked from Thursday into Friday. Chris barely slept and ended up driving his car into his house. Everyone and everything is fine but it was cause for concern.
When Sir found out about this, He offered to pick me up. The three of us agreed this was for the best. Surprise time with Sir!! I'll take that any day! We had lots of fun on the way back to my house. :-D
He told me He was bringing toys. Oh look, a glass dildo waiting for me in the glove box. Two and a half hours of torment--something to that effect. Even though Sir wanted to keep me on edge without orgasms until Thursday, I'm definitely worn out from the constant slight vibrations and attention with the dildo that completely filled me. Not that I was able to orgasm, just that my body is exhausted. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be even more wound up.
Not to mention that Sir found a pull off spot for me to suck Him off. Mmmm! That was delicious. At one point, He grabbed me by my hair and face fucked me. It was glorious, especially when He made me hold my breath as He did that. Of course I was still full with the dildo, moaning like a whore every time He pushed it further inside of me.
But the most interesting part is that Sir has been mindfucking me for months. By months, I mean basically the whole time we've been playing together. See, I've been waiting for Him to find His dominant voice again. Become readjusted to BDSM, D/s, TTWD. Turns out He had already found it, but it looked nothing what I thought it would be. Yeah, yeah I know I've said this same thing to others--possibly have even mentioned it here.
Part of it is that Sir is driven by consent. He always wants my consent, every single time. I knew that and so I thought that's all there was to it. Oh no, not at all!!! No, He loves tormenting me by making me ask for exactly what it is I want. By forcing me to initiate first, He had all the power without actually having power until I gave it to Him.
I do understand. I am not going to be allowed a passive role in our power exchange. If I want it, I have to be willing to meet Him half way, or close enough for Sir to take over. Because once He has the power, He uses every last bit of it. Most of what He has done revolved around messing with my head. Why I never realized that's His flavor of power exchange is beyond me. It was all right there but the pieces never clicked.
There's something brilliant about how He set all of that up. Because as Sir noted, my past has had less of a traumatic influence the more choice He gives me in initiating the power exchange. It's like a light bulb in a closed room. I saw my submission as a light bulb that was constantly on. It's still an accurate description. What I never realized what that the door to the room was closed, access to it being cut off until I open that door.
For Sir, He closes that door every time we're done playing. Always to be invited back in because He respects that as my space. It's part of me and therefore until invited in, He will hover by the door. Sometimes He'll watch the light flare under the door. All my hints for Him to open it, come on in and take control. But I understand now--with where both of us are in regards to consent, this is the way it has to be done.
I still can't believe I didn't see it until now. I knew He could be dominant at times. I never realized what His natural dominance looked like. It is about power and the mind. He is not a traditional Dom, and definitely not a traditional Sadist. Yet I love the mind games, how He loves to torture me. It's frustrating because...heh...it turns me into the wanton slut that we both know I am.
I've never been happier with someone in this kind of relationship. I've known this and I'm beginning to understand the reasons behind it. He's been helping to heal me. When we play, it challenges both of us. He's also FAR more dominant than my mind has given Him credit for. Now that I know what to look for, I have a feeling this will get even more interesting. :)
When Sir found out about this, He offered to pick me up. The three of us agreed this was for the best. Surprise time with Sir!! I'll take that any day! We had lots of fun on the way back to my house. :-D
He told me He was bringing toys. Oh look, a glass dildo waiting for me in the glove box. Two and a half hours of torment--something to that effect. Even though Sir wanted to keep me on edge without orgasms until Thursday, I'm definitely worn out from the constant slight vibrations and attention with the dildo that completely filled me. Not that I was able to orgasm, just that my body is exhausted. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be even more wound up.
Not to mention that Sir found a pull off spot for me to suck Him off. Mmmm! That was delicious. At one point, He grabbed me by my hair and face fucked me. It was glorious, especially when He made me hold my breath as He did that. Of course I was still full with the dildo, moaning like a whore every time He pushed it further inside of me.
But the most interesting part is that Sir has been mindfucking me for months. By months, I mean basically the whole time we've been playing together. See, I've been waiting for Him to find His dominant voice again. Become readjusted to BDSM, D/s, TTWD. Turns out He had already found it, but it looked nothing what I thought it would be. Yeah, yeah I know I've said this same thing to others--possibly have even mentioned it here.
Part of it is that Sir is driven by consent. He always wants my consent, every single time. I knew that and so I thought that's all there was to it. Oh no, not at all!!! No, He loves tormenting me by making me ask for exactly what it is I want. By forcing me to initiate first, He had all the power without actually having power until I gave it to Him.
I do understand. I am not going to be allowed a passive role in our power exchange. If I want it, I have to be willing to meet Him half way, or close enough for Sir to take over. Because once He has the power, He uses every last bit of it. Most of what He has done revolved around messing with my head. Why I never realized that's His flavor of power exchange is beyond me. It was all right there but the pieces never clicked.
There's something brilliant about how He set all of that up. Because as Sir noted, my past has had less of a traumatic influence the more choice He gives me in initiating the power exchange. It's like a light bulb in a closed room. I saw my submission as a light bulb that was constantly on. It's still an accurate description. What I never realized what that the door to the room was closed, access to it being cut off until I open that door.
For Sir, He closes that door every time we're done playing. Always to be invited back in because He respects that as my space. It's part of me and therefore until invited in, He will hover by the door. Sometimes He'll watch the light flare under the door. All my hints for Him to open it, come on in and take control. But I understand now--with where both of us are in regards to consent, this is the way it has to be done.
I still can't believe I didn't see it until now. I knew He could be dominant at times. I never realized what His natural dominance looked like. It is about power and the mind. He is not a traditional Dom, and definitely not a traditional Sadist. Yet I love the mind games, how He loves to torture me. It's frustrating because...heh...it turns me into the wanton slut that we both know I am.
I've never been happier with someone in this kind of relationship. I've known this and I'm beginning to understand the reasons behind it. He's been helping to heal me. When we play, it challenges both of us. He's also FAR more dominant than my mind has given Him credit for. Now that I know what to look for, I have a feeling this will get even more interesting. :)
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Two Weeks of Teasing
Last night, I was at a munch with several friends, including Kevin and Rebecca. It was so good to see them. We're trying to make plans for the four of us, as well as a night of play--willing plaything that I am. :D
One of my friends was wearing a suit. Now, normally this guy does nothing for me whatsoever. A good friend but definitely not interested. Put him in a suit and suddenly he's infinitely more appealing. I actually had to go touch the suit, tailored might I add. I was so riled up. Doesn't help that Kevin and Rebecca were completely teasing me earlier in the night too.
Of course I told Sir about this once I got home. I wanted to be dominated and fucked right then and there, lol. He was amused that I was so desperate and needy. What happens this morning? I start daydreaming about the end of the month. He wanted to know all about it. Sir has taken it upon Himself to torment me for the next two weeks, whenever He can. Wants me to be an eager, willing, pliant submissive for Him. One who'd be willing to do just about anything.
And...I love Him all the more for it. It's going to be an agonizingly wonderful two weeks. Once He gets me all alone, oh dear!! I'm so in trouble, in the best way. It's going to be absolutely fantastic. He'll have His slutty, eager submissive to play with. All worked up, thinking constantly about sucking His cock. Really, that's all I've thought about all day long, when I haven't been thinking about more fantasies. I want Him in me, in every hole. He could do pretty much about anything to me right now and I would love it. Hahaha! :P
So on a completely unrelated note, even the therapist thinks Sir is good for me. I'm highly amused by this. Up until the end of today's session, the therapist didn't know anything about Sir and I beyond that we're friends. And I quote, "You need more friends like Him." Towards the end, I basically came clean knowing that I'm terrible at speaking vaguely. I explained how I'm polyamorous and kinky. Neither of which shocked him. Apparently he's had kinky patients before. I think that's fantastic. The poly bit is new to him but as I explained what that meant for me, he was completely open about it.
I outright told the guy that my relationship with Sir is the healthiest relationship I've ever had. Considering how much the guy likes Sir already, I'm sure he'll agree with that. I figure we'll talk more about both when I see him in two weeks. I'm not ashamed of my lifestyle choices. Why should I call Sir and the bf "just friends" when they are so much more? Plus, as Sir pointed out, "A therapist picking up on openly broadcast emotions? No way! I tease, of course." I probably smiled a little (or a lot), every time I spoke of Sir, even as a friend. I can't help it, lol.
After I get back from time with Chris, I have another session. I'm surprisingly enjoying therapy, way more than I ever expected. Which I think that has everything to do with how much I like the therapist. :) I hope it continues to go this well.
One of my friends was wearing a suit. Now, normally this guy does nothing for me whatsoever. A good friend but definitely not interested. Put him in a suit and suddenly he's infinitely more appealing. I actually had to go touch the suit, tailored might I add. I was so riled up. Doesn't help that Kevin and Rebecca were completely teasing me earlier in the night too.
Of course I told Sir about this once I got home. I wanted to be dominated and fucked right then and there, lol. He was amused that I was so desperate and needy. What happens this morning? I start daydreaming about the end of the month. He wanted to know all about it. Sir has taken it upon Himself to torment me for the next two weeks, whenever He can. Wants me to be an eager, willing, pliant submissive for Him. One who'd be willing to do just about anything.
And...I love Him all the more for it. It's going to be an agonizingly wonderful two weeks. Once He gets me all alone, oh dear!! I'm so in trouble, in the best way. It's going to be absolutely fantastic. He'll have His slutty, eager submissive to play with. All worked up, thinking constantly about sucking His cock. Really, that's all I've thought about all day long, when I haven't been thinking about more fantasies. I want Him in me, in every hole. He could do pretty much about anything to me right now and I would love it. Hahaha! :P
So on a completely unrelated note, even the therapist thinks Sir is good for me. I'm highly amused by this. Up until the end of today's session, the therapist didn't know anything about Sir and I beyond that we're friends. And I quote, "You need more friends like Him." Towards the end, I basically came clean knowing that I'm terrible at speaking vaguely. I explained how I'm polyamorous and kinky. Neither of which shocked him. Apparently he's had kinky patients before. I think that's fantastic. The poly bit is new to him but as I explained what that meant for me, he was completely open about it.
I outright told the guy that my relationship with Sir is the healthiest relationship I've ever had. Considering how much the guy likes Sir already, I'm sure he'll agree with that. I figure we'll talk more about both when I see him in two weeks. I'm not ashamed of my lifestyle choices. Why should I call Sir and the bf "just friends" when they are so much more? Plus, as Sir pointed out, "A therapist picking up on openly broadcast emotions? No way! I tease, of course." I probably smiled a little (or a lot), every time I spoke of Sir, even as a friend. I can't help it, lol.
After I get back from time with Chris, I have another session. I'm surprisingly enjoying therapy, way more than I ever expected. Which I think that has everything to do with how much I like the therapist. :) I hope it continues to go this well.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due
I have to give Him credit. He noticed that I didn't send the daily report nor did I say good morning to Him. Heh, as He said, "When you're not speaking to me, alarm bells go off."
He sent me a "good morning" text. Didn't realize what was wrong as He hadn't read my blog yet. I told Him that I wasn't doing well. Spent a few hours crying last night. And by crying, I mean sobbing my eyes out to the point that the pups were constantly by my side trying to make me feel better. I barely slept. I had horrid dreams where I was raped and almost died. I did not want to get out of bed this morning; I didn't want to face the world.
See, a guy I used to be with--a Dom--he up and left me after months of time, effort, and energy we put into each other and into "us". I wrote to him, all my concerns, and I was much nicer about it than last night too. He walked away from me and occasionally since has been an annoying little thorn in my side.
I had convinced myself that Sir was going to leave. That He was bored with me. He must be. He was going to be so angry, hate what I wrote, and leave. I went to some very dark places last night. Depression is one hell of a bitch.
Turns out Sir took a personal day today for job hunting related reasons. He was done with those around noon. He wanted to see me. The monster had to be down for his nap so I had Sir come here to talk. Instead of being angry like I expected, He told me that what I wrote was true. I'd become so part of His life that He took me for granted. He was so sorry that He had caused me pain and that He'd been neglecting me.
We bonded over a discussion about religion and...well...sex. He brought over some new toys. Yum! The one dildo He left in me the whole time we talked. Then we went upstairs to enjoy some private time with one another. Apparently playing with me and making me constantly cum turns Him on. :-D
We were standing in the kitchen, after we had our fun. I started crying, all those emotions from last night welling up. I asked outright if He was bored with me. Not at all, He's actually surprised I'm not bored with Him and how vanilla He is. (which is such BS as He's not vanilla) How could I ever be bored with the man who has helped me start living again?? Frustrated every now and then, sure. Never bored.
I didn't want Him to leave. He didn't want to leave either. Even if He didn't spend the night, I wanted more time together. Unfortunately He had other commitments tonight. I truly understand. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays are busy. I've known this for months. But we need to find a balance. A way to spend time together. He even said that I was there first, I'm the priority. I'm going to hold Him to that.
And I will do my best to let it never get to this point again. It was several months culmination of issues that I saw as minor. Yet staying in touch, making time for us IS important. I reached a breaking point last night and it did neither of us any good, all the keeping things to myself.
We'll try harder. That's all there is to it. Because even though He's a little oblivious at times, He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. We'll get it right one of these days.
He sent me a "good morning" text. Didn't realize what was wrong as He hadn't read my blog yet. I told Him that I wasn't doing well. Spent a few hours crying last night. And by crying, I mean sobbing my eyes out to the point that the pups were constantly by my side trying to make me feel better. I barely slept. I had horrid dreams where I was raped and almost died. I did not want to get out of bed this morning; I didn't want to face the world.
See, a guy I used to be with--a Dom--he up and left me after months of time, effort, and energy we put into each other and into "us". I wrote to him, all my concerns, and I was much nicer about it than last night too. He walked away from me and occasionally since has been an annoying little thorn in my side.
I had convinced myself that Sir was going to leave. That He was bored with me. He must be. He was going to be so angry, hate what I wrote, and leave. I went to some very dark places last night. Depression is one hell of a bitch.
Turns out Sir took a personal day today for job hunting related reasons. He was done with those around noon. He wanted to see me. The monster had to be down for his nap so I had Sir come here to talk. Instead of being angry like I expected, He told me that what I wrote was true. I'd become so part of His life that He took me for granted. He was so sorry that He had caused me pain and that He'd been neglecting me.
We bonded over a discussion about religion and...well...sex. He brought over some new toys. Yum! The one dildo He left in me the whole time we talked. Then we went upstairs to enjoy some private time with one another. Apparently playing with me and making me constantly cum turns Him on. :-D
We were standing in the kitchen, after we had our fun. I started crying, all those emotions from last night welling up. I asked outright if He was bored with me. Not at all, He's actually surprised I'm not bored with Him and how vanilla He is. (which is such BS as He's not vanilla) How could I ever be bored with the man who has helped me start living again?? Frustrated every now and then, sure. Never bored.
I didn't want Him to leave. He didn't want to leave either. Even if He didn't spend the night, I wanted more time together. Unfortunately He had other commitments tonight. I truly understand. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays are busy. I've known this for months. But we need to find a balance. A way to spend time together. He even said that I was there first, I'm the priority. I'm going to hold Him to that.
And I will do my best to let it never get to this point again. It was several months culmination of issues that I saw as minor. Yet staying in touch, making time for us IS important. I reached a breaking point last night and it did neither of us any good, all the keeping things to myself.
We'll try harder. That's all there is to it. Because even though He's a little oblivious at times, He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. We'll get it right one of these days.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
With Sir and the Monster
"According to you" by Orianthi
I was listening to Pandora when that song came on. It's a little to bubblegum pop for my tastes, which is a little weird that it was under my station for P!nk and Evanescence. I've heard the song before but Pandora showed me the lyrics and so I scrolled through them.
Wow, it felt like a flash back to an ex of mine. To several of them to be honest. One outright told me that no one but him would ever put up with me. Another thought I could never make up my mind on what I wanted because he was constantly inconsistent which left me floundering.
None of that has any relation to the rest of the post. It was an "oooh shiny" moment.
Breakfast/brunch was nice. The monster man kept flirting with all the waitresses, lol. He loved the little menu that restaurants give kids. Didn't color it, can't be bothered with crayons. Nope, it was his new toy to clutch onto. Oooo, a new texture. Haha. Sir couldn't believe how much the monster eats. I'm actually sure he'd eat more, if he'd just say the damn word. (we just had a tiff because monster got plenty of food but wanted more yogurt. So I told him all you have to do is say "more". I figured he'd go for it since just this afternoon I got him to ask for the hallway light to be turned on. He couldn't get enough of the word "light." Small steps.)
We did go to a park. Not the one I had planned as it was a bit farther and Sir had other things to do. Plus to a 2 year old, any park will do. I know what Sir means know about being uneasy around kids. I don't believe he's had much experience. I don't think he quite knows how to connect with a child who doesn't communicate well. We'll get there with him. The monster and I will win him over. :)
I'm still really sick though. Congestion and constant exhaustion are kicking my ass. Hmm, maybe I can convince Sir for a little TLC time later this week, after the monster is in bed. Even some Skype time would be appreciated at this point. Cuddles and comfort.
Though at breakfast I was wearing this cute 50's style dress with a long green necklace. The monster man had grabbed a hold of it and I joked "It's not a leash, monster" and Sir was like "Need to get off that train of thought." Tee hee! I would not mind some of that fun either but I think cuddles and sweetness are more in order until I'm feeling better.
It was great to see Sir. I missed Him so much. I will never, ever get enough of Him. Even now, I miss Him. I want to snuggle and talk late into the night. Enjoy each other's company. Have "Us" time. I'm so in need of that. I hate sharing Him, even with the monster.
Heavens above, I sound like some love-struck teenager. I can't help it. It feels like falling in love for the first time, except better somehow. :)
We did go to a park. Not the one I had planned as it was a bit farther and Sir had other things to do. Plus to a 2 year old, any park will do. I know what Sir means know about being uneasy around kids. I don't believe he's had much experience. I don't think he quite knows how to connect with a child who doesn't communicate well. We'll get there with him. The monster and I will win him over. :)
I'm still really sick though. Congestion and constant exhaustion are kicking my ass. Hmm, maybe I can convince Sir for a little TLC time later this week, after the monster is in bed. Even some Skype time would be appreciated at this point. Cuddles and comfort.
Though at breakfast I was wearing this cute 50's style dress with a long green necklace. The monster man had grabbed a hold of it and I joked "It's not a leash, monster" and Sir was like "Need to get off that train of thought." Tee hee! I would not mind some of that fun either but I think cuddles and sweetness are more in order until I'm feeling better.
It was great to see Sir. I missed Him so much. I will never, ever get enough of Him. Even now, I miss Him. I want to snuggle and talk late into the night. Enjoy each other's company. Have "Us" time. I'm so in need of that. I hate sharing Him, even with the monster.
Heavens above, I sound like some love-struck teenager. I can't help it. It feels like falling in love for the first time, except better somehow. :)
Friday, April 26, 2013
The Monster Man
I'm hovering somewhere between 50 and 70% okay today. Better than the last two days at least. And the best friend as well as her hubby are here until the morning. He's making steaks and baked taters, likely on the grill. :)
I love the monster man. You're going to hear me gush about how awesome this kid is for the next week. If I say, "Aunt [JAS] wants hugs!" he'll run up to me, turn around, and plop into my lap. Some times he'll even stay long enough for snuggles which is when he leans back against me and stays for a good minute or two.
Then we play this game where I'll run away saying "Oh no, the monster's gonna get me!!! Ahhh!!!" and he'll chase after me. It's adorable. He also loves putting people in time out which is sitting on the stairs to the second floor. But this is completely for his advantage because then that person can't see whatever he's up to. Smart boy, except mommy and aunt JAS are smarter, lol!
I already warned Sir that I'm not going to be my usual self on Sunday. I definitely get into a "mommy" mode around monster man. I'm far more silly and ridiculous. I'd like to think I'm more carefree too. Yes, paranoid about every little thing. But also, there's no masks to wear around the monster. I can be myself because he takes me as I am. He's 2, not about to judge his aunt JAS. Being around him brings out sides of me that have been hidden over the years. Fun, happy, spontaneous sides. The kind where the world seemed more wondrous, something to be explored.
Even though I'm still not feeling my best, I can't help but smile as I watch the monster on all fours inching backwards like a strange dog. It's a sight to see, hee hee! Every texture is interesting. Like he's rubbing his face against the kitchen cabinets. Adorable!!! But I'm being dragged away to go play! So you all have a great weekend! :)
I love the monster man. You're going to hear me gush about how awesome this kid is for the next week. If I say, "Aunt [JAS] wants hugs!" he'll run up to me, turn around, and plop into my lap. Some times he'll even stay long enough for snuggles which is when he leans back against me and stays for a good minute or two.
Then we play this game where I'll run away saying "Oh no, the monster's gonna get me!!! Ahhh!!!" and he'll chase after me. It's adorable. He also loves putting people in time out which is sitting on the stairs to the second floor. But this is completely for his advantage because then that person can't see whatever he's up to. Smart boy, except mommy and aunt JAS are smarter, lol!I already warned Sir that I'm not going to be my usual self on Sunday. I definitely get into a "mommy" mode around monster man. I'm far more silly and ridiculous. I'd like to think I'm more carefree too. Yes, paranoid about every little thing. But also, there's no masks to wear around the monster. I can be myself because he takes me as I am. He's 2, not about to judge his aunt JAS. Being around him brings out sides of me that have been hidden over the years. Fun, happy, spontaneous sides. The kind where the world seemed more wondrous, something to be explored.
Even though I'm still not feeling my best, I can't help but smile as I watch the monster on all fours inching backwards like a strange dog. It's a sight to see, hee hee! Every texture is interesting. Like he's rubbing his face against the kitchen cabinets. Adorable!!! But I'm being dragged away to go play! So you all have a great weekend! :)
Thursday, April 25, 2013
The First Unmentionable...Lot of Firsts Actually!!
I came across this in my drafts folder.
Figured it was about time to share.
I don't know when y'all will see this...it's from the post all the way back here. I'm assuming it'll be quite a long time before I'm allowed to post this. See what I did there? Not allowed to post about it. Whether He sees it or not, He does act like my Dom quite often.
Anyway, I'm writing this the next day from that post I linked. Why? Because if I don't write about it now, I won't remember all the wonderful details.
*swoon*
So, I'm apparently terrible at seducing. Okay that's not really true. I didn't know if I should try to seduce Him. I was also fighting back a low point at that given moment.
I find out later that He likes making the sub admit what she wants. Sadist! He knows that I struggle saying things out loud. That was half the point. Then when I wanted to beg, He had me gagged!! But I'll get to that.
So we went to church then lunch. The shift happened at lunch. I was behaving, I swear. Then He...He did something silly. I'm debating admitting it. He had ordered a cheesecake. Let me tell you that was one of the best I've had. It was super fluffy. He mimicked dabbing it on Himself like cologne. Saying, "Now I'm irresistible" or something of that sort.
Why yes, you are...mmmmm!
*shakes head* Sorry about that I drifted off for a second. See what I mean? It's so easy for Him to turn me into a sex kitten.
We went back to His place, curled up on the couch, started watching the first episode of Chuck. It's one of His favorite shows. The inner sex kitten wanted to play. I also wanted to respect boundaries.
I was making it very well known that I wanted to play. If He didn't want to, then all He had to do was say so. My feelings would not have been hurt because frankly I knew part of Him was hesitant about doing anything.
We were kind of cuddling. I was giving Him looks. (This is when He told me I was bad at seducing...I wasn't really trying damn it! Next time, just you wait Sir! Though likely next time will be before y'all even read this...)
I kissed Him...let me be clear, I do not like making the first move. Because of consent issues and stuff. I make things known and it's up to the other person. They can decide what to do with that. But no, I had to kiss Him first.
I do love the way He kisses, truly. He kissed back. Then things escalated, rather quickly. We were in His bedroom. I was being undressed by Him. Mmmm let me tell you that was HOT!!
I think He said something like, "If I'm going to, I want to see what I have to play with."
YUM! *melts*
He had me lay out on the bed. He inspected me, which frankly is something that hits my slut and humiliation buttons. I'm sure I was blushing quite red! Up my legs, over my stomach, my breasts. Turned me over and repeated the process. He had my hands at my side, to stay put there.
He pulled my hair. He asked, "So you think you can tell me what to do?"
Nononono! Not at all!!
But of course I was gagged. He said, "You're smiling. You like this, don't you?"
Lots of furious nodding of approval there!!
There was a belt. Oh let me tell you, I LOVE the belt. I'd not experienced one before during play. I am a fan!!! I got that across my chest, specifically my nipples. Then a bit on my stomach. He loved focusing on my pussy with that delicious instrument.
Then I was on my stomach again...oh did that happen first?? All I know is my ass got a lovely taste of that belt too! Mmmmm! Something else too. I was too out of it to notice. It was thuddy and yummy though!
I ended up on hands and knees. He was playing with my pussy. Fingering it. I know He ordered me to cum once. "Cum for me, now." and I did, believe me!!
There was an earlier orgasm I got permission for. I know He was playing with my clit and fingering me. I think I was on my back. The order is all sorts of screwy in my head, but I'm sure y'all understand completely!
While I was on all fours, He first fucked me. The angle was off though. It wasn't His fault. The way I'm tilted inside, it can be difficult to find a good angle from behind. But when it works, it's really damn good. Something we'll have to work on...if we haven't already...I think my bed with Him standing would work better. Anyway...
He flipped me over at that point. Nearly bent me in half and sank deep inside of me.
WOW!!!!!
It was awesome. He was awesome!! The way He was in me, He was hitting my g-spot. He was watching me, as I was moaning around the panties He gagged me with. I'm sure He caught all the eye widening.
I wanted to beg in that moment...a lot during all of it really. But being gagged with specific orders? I couldn't. I wanted to touch Him. I wanted to beg for pain. I wanted to tell Him all the things that I keep buried deep within me.
And I couldn't. He had ordered my hands above my head and I damn well left them there. No way was I disobeying. He wanted me exactly as I was and I was content to remain that way.
I fucked Him back as much as I could. Which frankly wasn't much in that position. However, I could do much with my muscles in my pussy. I could tell He enjoyed that, a lot. Hee hee!
He had His orgasm...damn well pleased about that. Love helping a guy orgasm! The sub in me does a happy dance for that. We wanted a round two...likely more than that. But we actually had to get to an event in half an hour.
He told me as we were walking to His car that I had a victory walk going. Damn right I did! I had gotten laid for the first time in god only knows how long. It was some of the best sex I'd ever had. I had sex with the man I'm in love with.
I smelled like Him and didn't give a damn. It's been 24 hours and I still smell Him on me. I love that!
So yes, this was all the "unmentionables"...I'm sure I forgot a few minor moments. But that's the gist of it.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Not Going According To Plan
I'm all over the place today so please bare with me.
First, the party overall was a lot of fun. I have the bruises to prove it. I had a good time with great friends. Sir was affectionate, or insomuch as He is in public. Him and several of our friends decided that they'd torment me. It was a good time. :)
Now, as for the rest of it. The demo presenter brought out a very sharp knife was no warning. Told a graphic story about knife play gone wrong. Mind you, the demo was not in any way, shape or form on knife play. I tried distracting myself by snuggling with a friend. But I was shivering against her and she thought I was cold. I knew I had to get away from the room of about 50 people or things would not have ended well.
I went into one of the bathrooms. It seemed like the only safe place. Another friend found me. I was trying to get a hold of myself. She was very sweet and realized I was in trouble. She helped me get my breathing under control and distracted me enough to fight back the waves of panic.
I know I'm not the only person who triggers with knives and other edge play items. That's not something a presenter should throw into a scene without letting the audience know ahead of time. I made a note to the group leaders who organized the party as to what happened and gave them advice on how to better handle a presentation like that in the future.
I don't think Sir realized the depths of how bad it was for me. He knew the knives had triggered me and it's something He wants to help me get a handle on. I've been holding off writing because I've still been dealing with aftereffects. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, the waves of panic hit again. I get lightheaded and often the room will spin. It's scary stuff.
And I was left putting on a smile, suppressing all the crap after I could steady my breathing. I was at a party after all. I wasn't about to make a scene or cause problems. It wasn't the place so years of compartmentalizing allowed me to disconnect from those emotions for a while. "Don't make anyone look bad" is the mentality I was raised with. Problems are meant to be dealt with privately. Funny how something like that sticks around long after childhood is over.
To top matters off, the one ex was a dick earlier today. A fight over stupid shit but that's always been the case. Or more like he yelled while I tried to be reasonable. I'm already close to being a shaking mess and then he had to be an asshole. Poking at old wounds.
I told Sir about it. This was the kind of stuff I had been keeping back from Him that I mentioned in a post from a few months ago. I didn't want to involve Him in the drama of an old relationship. But He asked to be kept informed so I'm doing my best. Thankfully, there's often not something to tell. We're hoping soon enough there won't be anything to say. No one ever explains how difficult it is to extrapolate your life from someone else's.
It's all too much sometimes for me to deal with alone. Sir is my safe place and I wouldn't have made it through that party without Him. I doubt I would have managed as well with the ex if He hadn't let me vent. Reminding me it's all almost over. Things are going better and more quickly than we had hoped. Our talks about two months or two years? It was in reference to this mess. It's looking to be resolved soon rather than later, a relief for both of us.
Not only to have the peace and ability to explore what's between us, but for my sanity and well-being too.
First, the party overall was a lot of fun. I have the bruises to prove it. I had a good time with great friends. Sir was affectionate, or insomuch as He is in public. Him and several of our friends decided that they'd torment me. It was a good time. :)
Now, as for the rest of it. The demo presenter brought out a very sharp knife was no warning. Told a graphic story about knife play gone wrong. Mind you, the demo was not in any way, shape or form on knife play. I tried distracting myself by snuggling with a friend. But I was shivering against her and she thought I was cold. I knew I had to get away from the room of about 50 people or things would not have ended well.
I went into one of the bathrooms. It seemed like the only safe place. Another friend found me. I was trying to get a hold of myself. She was very sweet and realized I was in trouble. She helped me get my breathing under control and distracted me enough to fight back the waves of panic.
I know I'm not the only person who triggers with knives and other edge play items. That's not something a presenter should throw into a scene without letting the audience know ahead of time. I made a note to the group leaders who organized the party as to what happened and gave them advice on how to better handle a presentation like that in the future.
I don't think Sir realized the depths of how bad it was for me. He knew the knives had triggered me and it's something He wants to help me get a handle on. I've been holding off writing because I've still been dealing with aftereffects. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, the waves of panic hit again. I get lightheaded and often the room will spin. It's scary stuff.
And I was left putting on a smile, suppressing all the crap after I could steady my breathing. I was at a party after all. I wasn't about to make a scene or cause problems. It wasn't the place so years of compartmentalizing allowed me to disconnect from those emotions for a while. "Don't make anyone look bad" is the mentality I was raised with. Problems are meant to be dealt with privately. Funny how something like that sticks around long after childhood is over.To top matters off, the one ex was a dick earlier today. A fight over stupid shit but that's always been the case. Or more like he yelled while I tried to be reasonable. I'm already close to being a shaking mess and then he had to be an asshole. Poking at old wounds.
I told Sir about it. This was the kind of stuff I had been keeping back from Him that I mentioned in a post from a few months ago. I didn't want to involve Him in the drama of an old relationship. But He asked to be kept informed so I'm doing my best. Thankfully, there's often not something to tell. We're hoping soon enough there won't be anything to say. No one ever explains how difficult it is to extrapolate your life from someone else's.
It's all too much sometimes for me to deal with alone. Sir is my safe place and I wouldn't have made it through that party without Him. I doubt I would have managed as well with the ex if He hadn't let me vent. Reminding me it's all almost over. Things are going better and more quickly than we had hoped. Our talks about two months or two years? It was in reference to this mess. It's looking to be resolved soon rather than later, a relief for both of us.
Not only to have the peace and ability to explore what's between us, but for my sanity and well-being too.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Party
There's a party today, which I'm sure is going to be a cluster fuck. After talking with a number of people, no one knows what the demo presentation is actually on. The title is "Resistance Play" and I've heard anything from interrogation to rape play to grappling. That last one I think was a BS response by one of the leaders to appease people's minds. Yes, it's as bullshit as it sounds.
Either that or no one would bottom to anything else with this presenter. Basically this entire event has been screwy from the beginning.
On the bright side, I get to spend time with Sir! Yay! I've already been promised lots of hugs and cuddles.
And if that demo is on consensual-nonconsent, will NOT be watching. That's something I can do with Sir, only Him because there's a level of trust and an ongoing relationship. I will trigger being around a scene like that. He told me last night that He'll be there for me if anyone gives me shit about it.
The best part about all this is that the presenter was announced after many people bought their tickets to go to this event. The whole point was to have a play party. It got turned into an ego-stroking event for one of the group's leaders.
Yet Sir wonders why I love it so much here in Blogland and want to be a hermit from the rest of the world. Out there is crazy. Here? Been nothing but wonderful people and a great support system.
On another bright side, I am feeling better from earlier in the week so I should get to play with Sir!! He may have to go a little easy at first, just to be sure. Other than that though, it's all good! And if we can't play, there's always those lovely snuggles. :)
Either that or no one would bottom to anything else with this presenter. Basically this entire event has been screwy from the beginning.
On the bright side, I get to spend time with Sir! Yay! I've already been promised lots of hugs and cuddles.
And if that demo is on consensual-nonconsent, will NOT be watching. That's something I can do with Sir, only Him because there's a level of trust and an ongoing relationship. I will trigger being around a scene like that. He told me last night that He'll be there for me if anyone gives me shit about it.
The best part about all this is that the presenter was announced after many people bought their tickets to go to this event. The whole point was to have a play party. It got turned into an ego-stroking event for one of the group's leaders.
Yet Sir wonders why I love it so much here in Blogland and want to be a hermit from the rest of the world. Out there is crazy. Here? Been nothing but wonderful people and a great support system.
On another bright side, I am feeling better from earlier in the week so I should get to play with Sir!! He may have to go a little easy at first, just to be sure. Other than that though, it's all good! And if we can't play, there's always those lovely snuggles. :)
Monday, April 15, 2013
Setback and Play This Weekend
I hurt my back, somehow. I honestly I have no idea what I did. But it's been a lot of sharp pain. Took a hot bath which seemed to have helped. Normally when I hurt myself (I swear it doesn't happen as nearly as often nowadays), I rest and relax until I feel alright again. It's not a big deal. These things happen with age, lol.
But on Saturday, there's a big community play party. One of the groups rented out a space. There will be 65-70 people, most of whom I do know. I had plans to play with this cute young thing. She's very sweet and unfortunately will be moving in a few weeks.
Not to mention that this would be a fantastic chance for Sir and I to play. I think He enjoys showing me off. There's no way I'll be able to manage any kind of play if I'm not doing better by then. I could still watch but really that's not nearly as much fun!! I'd like to see Sir be able to play, regardless of how I'm doing. I'll admit to being curious about watching Him in action.
Plus, given how often I get the chance to play with others, it's only fair that He takes advantage of the opportunity to play freely. As long as He's happy and enjoying Himself, I'm happy. :)
So we're crossing our fingers and hoping for the best!!
Sir is away this week for job related reasons. I was going to be on the receiving end of something fun, interesting, and kinky. I found this out right after I told Him that my back was bothering me something awful. My body is looking to ruin all of my fun this week! I can't kneel or bend or extend my arms or lift anything remotely heavy or twist my body. You don't realize how much you depend on your back for everything until it starts to hurt.
Other than this minor setback, we're good. I convinced Sir to come over some time to help me paint. See, my distractions give us a reason to spend time together! I've been busy picking out colors. And no, I won't be painting with my back as it is. I know better. It'll be in May when I decide to do a painting day. It'll be a nice vanilla project to do together. :)
But on Saturday, there's a big community play party. One of the groups rented out a space. There will be 65-70 people, most of whom I do know. I had plans to play with this cute young thing. She's very sweet and unfortunately will be moving in a few weeks.
Not to mention that this would be a fantastic chance for Sir and I to play. I think He enjoys showing me off. There's no way I'll be able to manage any kind of play if I'm not doing better by then. I could still watch but really that's not nearly as much fun!! I'd like to see Sir be able to play, regardless of how I'm doing. I'll admit to being curious about watching Him in action.Plus, given how often I get the chance to play with others, it's only fair that He takes advantage of the opportunity to play freely. As long as He's happy and enjoying Himself, I'm happy. :)
So we're crossing our fingers and hoping for the best!!
Sir is away this week for job related reasons. I was going to be on the receiving end of something fun, interesting, and kinky. I found this out right after I told Him that my back was bothering me something awful. My body is looking to ruin all of my fun this week! I can't kneel or bend or extend my arms or lift anything remotely heavy or twist my body. You don't realize how much you depend on your back for everything until it starts to hurt.
Other than this minor setback, we're good. I convinced Sir to come over some time to help me paint. See, my distractions give us a reason to spend time together! I've been busy picking out colors. And no, I won't be painting with my back as it is. I know better. It'll be in May when I decide to do a painting day. It'll be a nice vanilla project to do together. :)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Safewords
A post over on FL had me thinking about safewords and the responsibility of all the people participating in a scene. The post can be found here. I thought it was very well said, given that safewords cause many who use them to be looked down upon. Oh the leaders of community talk a good game, no doubt. "These are the [standard] safewords. Play safe!" The truth is I've never seen someone safeword out of a scene. I have heard an occasional "yellow" but it's been a rarity. I've heard protests ignored as people were coerced to play with implements and in ways they very obviously didn't feel comfortable with.
I've had my safeword unheard at a friend's party. Because he brought out an object that causes very terrible things to my head space and other people had to explain quite loudly that it was an extremely hard limit for me. I've had someone interrupt my conversation with Sir to discuss said limit-object and was outright ignored. Apparently I was supposed to leave if I didn't like it. Then I had to explain why it was such a hard limit to have the person stop talking about it.
I've also been in a mindset where I couldn't safeword. I couldn't even form coherent sentences but only noises. Someone interrupted the scene I was in and because I was only making noises, no one thought there was any problem. Sir could tell you otherwise, from conversations after that. But no one stopped anything, not even Sir. He wasn't aware there was a problem. I think I may have managed a "No" and "Stop" but those aren't "standard" safewords. I also don't know if I said them loud enough to be heard because it was at a party.
I'm pretty sure Sir will never let anyone ever interrupt a scene or play again without my or His consent. Hopefully we all learned from that night. This is why there's so much noise about never putting yourself in someone else's scene. Because while it may not be a limit and even enjoyable, there was no negotiation or consent given. It's also never a good idea to surprise your sub or bottom with an additional person in your scene (unless that's something you've talked about, including the specific person or persons).
I have been in plenty of head space's where I couldn't have fathomed to utter my safeword. Why? Because sub space is one interesting place where reason and coherency often don't exist. I'll also admit that I have on occasion taken more than I could handle in terms of pain because I didn't want to use my safeword. I wanted to be stronger, better, more pleasing. I wanted to give the Top freedom to hurt me as much and as hard as they wanted.
I know my readers are mainly those who play with their significant others. I doubt many of you play in public or private events. That's fine and to each their own. But these situations can occur in your own bedroom too. I'm sure subs can attest to not being very coherent during play. Or taking more than they may have wanted in order to please their partner.
Safewords are not the answer to keeping a scene 100% safe. There is no such thing in BDSM. We play to hurt. We play to poke at wounds of all types. We play with power exchanges that are so deep it's frightening. These are inherently unsafe. We use safewords, or their equivalent of a motion, to make things safer. We get to know each other on complex and deep levels so to have a better understanding of what exactly is being exposed during play. These are necessary steps to make harm less likely, but not impossible.
So for you Doms, Tops, Masters, etc: Safewords are NOT the end-all, be-all!!!!
If you see your bottom, sub, slave is incoherent and deep in subspace, be careful how you tread from that point forward. That's on you to be aware of the signs when that occurs. This is not a time to push limits, unless you negotiated that prior to the scene starting. That is the time to watch every movement and know how to read the person in front of you. It would be better for you to wind down the scene if you're uncertain, then go forward and do damage to the other person. Because that is playing safer.
It's on everyone in a scene and while playing to keep things safe. It's why I believe safewords, verbal and non, are important. I know people who don't play with them, but I never play without one because 98% I've used one, it's had the desired effect. It's one more way to protect myself and those involved from unintentional harm. But in no way should safewords be used as the sole protection from harm in a scene.
I've had my safeword unheard at a friend's party. Because he brought out an object that causes very terrible things to my head space and other people had to explain quite loudly that it was an extremely hard limit for me. I've had someone interrupt my conversation with Sir to discuss said limit-object and was outright ignored. Apparently I was supposed to leave if I didn't like it. Then I had to explain why it was such a hard limit to have the person stop talking about it.
I've also been in a mindset where I couldn't safeword. I couldn't even form coherent sentences but only noises. Someone interrupted the scene I was in and because I was only making noises, no one thought there was any problem. Sir could tell you otherwise, from conversations after that. But no one stopped anything, not even Sir. He wasn't aware there was a problem. I think I may have managed a "No" and "Stop" but those aren't "standard" safewords. I also don't know if I said them loud enough to be heard because it was at a party.I'm pretty sure Sir will never let anyone ever interrupt a scene or play again without my or His consent. Hopefully we all learned from that night. This is why there's so much noise about never putting yourself in someone else's scene. Because while it may not be a limit and even enjoyable, there was no negotiation or consent given. It's also never a good idea to surprise your sub or bottom with an additional person in your scene (unless that's something you've talked about, including the specific person or persons).
I have been in plenty of head space's where I couldn't have fathomed to utter my safeword. Why? Because sub space is one interesting place where reason and coherency often don't exist. I'll also admit that I have on occasion taken more than I could handle in terms of pain because I didn't want to use my safeword. I wanted to be stronger, better, more pleasing. I wanted to give the Top freedom to hurt me as much and as hard as they wanted.
I know my readers are mainly those who play with their significant others. I doubt many of you play in public or private events. That's fine and to each their own. But these situations can occur in your own bedroom too. I'm sure subs can attest to not being very coherent during play. Or taking more than they may have wanted in order to please their partner.
So for you Doms, Tops, Masters, etc: Safewords are NOT the end-all, be-all!!!!
If you see your bottom, sub, slave is incoherent and deep in subspace, be careful how you tread from that point forward. That's on you to be aware of the signs when that occurs. This is not a time to push limits, unless you negotiated that prior to the scene starting. That is the time to watch every movement and know how to read the person in front of you. It would be better for you to wind down the scene if you're uncertain, then go forward and do damage to the other person. Because that is playing safer.
It's on everyone in a scene and while playing to keep things safe. It's why I believe safewords, verbal and non, are important. I know people who don't play with them, but I never play without one because 98% I've used one, it's had the desired effect. It's one more way to protect myself and those involved from unintentional harm. But in no way should safewords be used as the sole protection from harm in a scene.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Our Weekend Adventures
Where to begin? We're both quite worn out and very happy. He left this morning as there was laundry to do as well as a meeting later this afternoon. And by leaving this morning, I mean I barely let Him leave at 11:30.
My cats approve of Him. For those who have pets, you know what I mean when I say that their judgement is pretty damn important. My cats are shy, reserved creatures. My night owl of a cat was downstairs yesterday hanging out with us. She doesn't even do that with me! The other one curled up in between Sir's legs last night. When He told me about that this morning, my heart swelled. That's just so cute!
Okay, for the parts you really want to hear about. Yes, we had our scene on Friday night. It didn't quite go the way we expected. The mood went from a break-in that was going to be filled with lots of fun to the middle of a horror movie. As soon as Sir began channeling Jack Nicholson's Joker, that's when I began crying and internally freaking out. He was trying to play mind games with me and it didn't quite translate.
Everything up to that was a lot of fun. I have lovely aches everywhere to show for it. I definitely resisted and fought back, which was fun. Apparently I liked it a bit too much as He had me on the couch at one point, fucking me hard and I was so wet that He couldn't get any traction. Heh, I ended up begging for Him to fuck me up in the ass once He had moved there. He teased me something terrible about how wanton I was.
The play only lasted about 2 hours, then we unwound for dinner. I was in a weird head space. Sir had decided that He couldn't continue on that way. It wasn't working for Him. I think when I started crying, it cut right down into Him. That man really is too sweet. He's not a mean nor heartless person. He can't even pretend to be one.
I realized that I like resisting, but ultimately I don't want it to be a stranger. I want it to be Sir. If we play aggressively with resistance again, the mood will be very different. Because it is fun fighting back, but I eventually want to give Him everything. And I couldn't help but inhale His aroma every time He got close to me. As I was crying I clung to Him, even as He was the one scaring me. I couldn't pretend because deep down I knew He was the man I'm madly in love with. The man who is my rock and strength.
We went to bed Friday night after lots of great sex. Woke up to more excellent sex. I got to have fun sucking His cock. And wildly fucking Him from on top, lol. That was fun! We also spent a good part of the night cuddled up together. So nice!
Yesterday we vegged and watched movies. He has all of "Who's line is it anyway?" on His laptop which we watched as we wound down for the night. One of the ones we watched was the unusual roommates of Bill Cosby and Hitler episode. I highly recommend watching that, lol. Honestly we just snuggled and reconnected on the couch for most of the day. It was wonderful to spend that time together.
Before He left this morning, we had some heart to heart stuff. Because I still have my doubts at times. Am I good enough? Does He miss me when we're not together? Which He helped calm some of those fears. He said that He missed me already, and He hadn't even left yet. I understood what He meant as I felt the same.
It was a much needed weekend for us. Bonding and bringing us back together. And I get to see Him on Tuesday! None of this waiting a month to see Him bullshit. Overall the weekend was pretty damn amazing and I can't wait to see Him in two days. As I do miss Him so much already.
My cats approve of Him. For those who have pets, you know what I mean when I say that their judgement is pretty damn important. My cats are shy, reserved creatures. My night owl of a cat was downstairs yesterday hanging out with us. She doesn't even do that with me! The other one curled up in between Sir's legs last night. When He told me about that this morning, my heart swelled. That's just so cute!
Okay, for the parts you really want to hear about. Yes, we had our scene on Friday night. It didn't quite go the way we expected. The mood went from a break-in that was going to be filled with lots of fun to the middle of a horror movie. As soon as Sir began channeling Jack Nicholson's Joker, that's when I began crying and internally freaking out. He was trying to play mind games with me and it didn't quite translate.Everything up to that was a lot of fun. I have lovely aches everywhere to show for it. I definitely resisted and fought back, which was fun. Apparently I liked it a bit too much as He had me on the couch at one point, fucking me hard and I was so wet that He couldn't get any traction. Heh, I ended up begging for Him to fuck me up in the ass once He had moved there. He teased me something terrible about how wanton I was.
The play only lasted about 2 hours, then we unwound for dinner. I was in a weird head space. Sir had decided that He couldn't continue on that way. It wasn't working for Him. I think when I started crying, it cut right down into Him. That man really is too sweet. He's not a mean nor heartless person. He can't even pretend to be one.
I realized that I like resisting, but ultimately I don't want it to be a stranger. I want it to be Sir. If we play aggressively with resistance again, the mood will be very different. Because it is fun fighting back, but I eventually want to give Him everything. And I couldn't help but inhale His aroma every time He got close to me. As I was crying I clung to Him, even as He was the one scaring me. I couldn't pretend because deep down I knew He was the man I'm madly in love with. The man who is my rock and strength.
We went to bed Friday night after lots of great sex. Woke up to more excellent sex. I got to have fun sucking His cock. And wildly fucking Him from on top, lol. That was fun! We also spent a good part of the night cuddled up together. So nice!Yesterday we vegged and watched movies. He has all of "Who's line is it anyway?" on His laptop which we watched as we wound down for the night. One of the ones we watched was the unusual roommates of Bill Cosby and Hitler episode. I highly recommend watching that, lol. Honestly we just snuggled and reconnected on the couch for most of the day. It was wonderful to spend that time together.
Before He left this morning, we had some heart to heart stuff. Because I still have my doubts at times. Am I good enough? Does He miss me when we're not together? Which He helped calm some of those fears. He said that He missed me already, and He hadn't even left yet. I understood what He meant as I felt the same.
It was a much needed weekend for us. Bonding and bringing us back together. And I get to see Him on Tuesday! None of this waiting a month to see Him bullshit. Overall the weekend was pretty damn amazing and I can't wait to see Him in two days. As I do miss Him so much already.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
What awaits me on Friday
He is an evil, sadistic man!! We've been sorting out more details for Friday night. I am willingly handing myself over to Him for a wild night of depravity. And believe me, it will be quite depraved!
It's no longer just a home invasion scenario. No, it got taken up a notch or two. He'll become a stranger, who has watched me and waited. Seen all of my dirty little secrets. Knows that I'm deviant. Finally can't resist anymore and breaks in to have the object of His obsession.
A cold and heartless man who will do whatever He pleases with me. Dark, humiliating, degrading things.
Oh my fear is quite real. I've seen Him reign in during a scene. That is enough to leave me shaking and breathless. I can't even imagine the man who will be walking into my home on Friday.
Furthermore, I have instructions on how to be prepared for Him on Friday. Besides the clothing to wear, my hair will be done up nicely as well as make-up. To aid in the ruining of me. It'll be set as if He's walking in on me having a private scene with self-bondage. My legs will be tied up pretty, and effectively so I will be helpless. Hands cuffed behind my back. Blindfold and collar on. Plugged and playing with a vibrator in my pussy.
That's how He'll find me. Helpless and ready to be tormented. Exactly how He likes me. Then He'll do terrible things to me. Lots of terrible plans, some of which I gave Him the ideas for. Sometimes I'm too helpful for my own good.
It's going to be an amazing time. Filled with more orgasms than I'll know what to do with. His plan is to have me be a quivering, incoherent mess by Saturday evening. Pretty sure He'll get there before Friday night is out.
I trust Him. I have to in order to go forward with a scene like that. But yes, I am very much nervous and afraid. Emotions that He plans on taking full advantage of come Friday.
It's no longer just a home invasion scenario. No, it got taken up a notch or two. He'll become a stranger, who has watched me and waited. Seen all of my dirty little secrets. Knows that I'm deviant. Finally can't resist anymore and breaks in to have the object of His obsession.
A cold and heartless man who will do whatever He pleases with me. Dark, humiliating, degrading things.
Oh my fear is quite real. I've seen Him reign in during a scene. That is enough to leave me shaking and breathless. I can't even imagine the man who will be walking into my home on Friday.
Furthermore, I have instructions on how to be prepared for Him on Friday. Besides the clothing to wear, my hair will be done up nicely as well as make-up. To aid in the ruining of me. It'll be set as if He's walking in on me having a private scene with self-bondage. My legs will be tied up pretty, and effectively so I will be helpless. Hands cuffed behind my back. Blindfold and collar on. Plugged and playing with a vibrator in my pussy.
That's how He'll find me. Helpless and ready to be tormented. Exactly how He likes me. Then He'll do terrible things to me. Lots of terrible plans, some of which I gave Him the ideas for. Sometimes I'm too helpful for my own good.
It's going to be an amazing time. Filled with more orgasms than I'll know what to do with. His plan is to have me be a quivering, incoherent mess by Saturday evening. Pretty sure He'll get there before Friday night is out.
I trust Him. I have to in order to go forward with a scene like that. But yes, I am very much nervous and afraid. Emotions that He plans on taking full advantage of come Friday.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Shared Weekend
I'm almost hesitant to write about this, as it seems that when I talk about our plans they never come to fruition. I know it's not really the case and that this time is pretty much set. Sir is spending Friday evening until Sunday morning with me, April 5th to the 7th. Plans worked out that His usual obligations for Saturdays aren't occurring.
I told Sir that I'd have something special for dinner waiting for Him once He arrives after work. It was basically hinted that I surprise Him, when I asked if there was anything in particular He wanted. That's fine as I can be more flexible in what I can make. Hmmm, a "Taste of Home" magazine arrived in the mail the other day. Maybe I can find something new and interesting in there. Or it'll at least give me a good starting point.
I'm in for a long weekend. Sir warned me that I will be thoroughly worn out. And that He wants to take me in every possible room. Since He told me that, I've been staring at my home in a new light. I think more rope is in order. I look at my dining room table and all I see are possibilities. Not to mention I gave Him ideas for the headboard on my bed.
Just full of helpful ideas, He said. Oh Sir, I know. It's one of my better attributes, in my opinion.
Oh and the scenes...sensory deprivation. Objectification. Aided by toys and other fun implements. Those are only the parts I know about too...It's going to be a very interesting weekend. Sir offhandedly mentioned that sleeping may not be on the schedule for Friday. That doesn't bother me as nearly as much as it should, haha.
I am super excited to just have that time together. We haven't seen one another in over three weeks now. And haven't had a scene since earlier February, if I'm remembering right. That's FAR too long and I know He misses me as much as I do Him.
I'm sure some uninterrupted time together will do us both lots of good. :)
I told Sir that I'd have something special for dinner waiting for Him once He arrives after work. It was basically hinted that I surprise Him, when I asked if there was anything in particular He wanted. That's fine as I can be more flexible in what I can make. Hmmm, a "Taste of Home" magazine arrived in the mail the other day. Maybe I can find something new and interesting in there. Or it'll at least give me a good starting point.
I'm in for a long weekend. Sir warned me that I will be thoroughly worn out. And that He wants to take me in every possible room. Since He told me that, I've been staring at my home in a new light. I think more rope is in order. I look at my dining room table and all I see are possibilities. Not to mention I gave Him ideas for the headboard on my bed.
Just full of helpful ideas, He said. Oh Sir, I know. It's one of my better attributes, in my opinion.
Oh and the scenes...sensory deprivation. Objectification. Aided by toys and other fun implements. Those are only the parts I know about too...It's going to be a very interesting weekend. Sir offhandedly mentioned that sleeping may not be on the schedule for Friday. That doesn't bother me as nearly as much as it should, haha.
I am super excited to just have that time together. We haven't seen one another in over three weeks now. And haven't had a scene since earlier February, if I'm remembering right. That's FAR too long and I know He misses me as much as I do Him.
I'm sure some uninterrupted time together will do us both lots of good. :)
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Finding my way back
I'm home from the land of the vanillas. It's always interesting when the six of us get together. Especially since they're all not quite as vanilla as they claim. Yes, I corrupt everyone!! Haha! It's not my fault I had a flogger with me...and they wanted a demonstration...
Anyway, I have no idea what's going on with seeing Sir this weekend. Or any time in the near future. It sounds like I'll be leaving again next week. The whole isolation I desperately need? I might be getting that with the best friend and her baby boy. Especially since I still haven't seen her wedding dress, and it's been at least a month since I last saw her.
I'm decently well. Vanilla-land did its job in making me appreciate the openness that I find in the kink community at home. Because there's a fine line between corrupting and scarring vanilla friends. And heaven knows I can't scar my kink friends.
And I think the inner submissive might be returning. There's this burning desire to be bound, even if it's just my wrists. Or being on my knees before Sir. Running His hand through my hair. No Sadism, no masochism. Just domination, submission. Give and take of power.
The openness and trust that comes from D/s. That's what I want, what I'm craving. To give Sir the power He desires. Be His sweet, compliant kitten.
Anyway, I have no idea what's going on with seeing Sir this weekend. Or any time in the near future. It sounds like I'll be leaving again next week. The whole isolation I desperately need? I might be getting that with the best friend and her baby boy. Especially since I still haven't seen her wedding dress, and it's been at least a month since I last saw her.
I'm decently well. Vanilla-land did its job in making me appreciate the openness that I find in the kink community at home. Because there's a fine line between corrupting and scarring vanilla friends. And heaven knows I can't scar my kink friends.
And I think the inner submissive might be returning. There's this burning desire to be bound, even if it's just my wrists. Or being on my knees before Sir. Running His hand through my hair. No Sadism, no masochism. Just domination, submission. Give and take of power.
The openness and trust that comes from D/s. That's what I want, what I'm craving. To give Sir the power He desires. Be His sweet, compliant kitten.
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