We Never Really Say Goodbye

It feels strange to be writing again, after so long. There's so much to say and yet where to begin?

I'm seeing someone new. His name is Frank. We've been dating for two months now. The first month we took agonizingly slow and then we couldn't help ourselves. I wanted to drown in him from the first night we met. He's a Dom, a Sadist, a Daddy.

He's completely respectful of Lisa and my relationship. Her and I are stronger than ever.

Chris and I went 5 months without talking to each other. While I was wrapped up in the worst depression of my life. It's why I couldn't be here anymore. I had to get professional help, even more than just my therapist.

I now have a team of doctors and I'm in contact with Johns Hopkins to be seen by their specialists. The psychiatric stuff is being managed well, but the physical has taken some interesting turns. I'm apparently fascinating to my medical doctors and that's not a word I want associated with my body.

But on the whole I'm doing better. I'm really, really happy with Frank.

I'm still me though. I'm still poly. Frank and I may be helping each other relight flames in each other...but fuck if Steve still isn't the brightest flame in the goddamn room. I don't know what to do about it. I don't think there is anything to be done. He told me to move on. I have.

I'm in love with someone new, but I was always in love with Lisa too.

It doesn't just stop. My heart never stopped breaking and I'm still in love Steve. I know it shows sometimes around Frank and he hasn't asked about it, yet. One day he will and I won't really know how to explain it. That for the last three years I've been in love with someone who stopped loving me a long time ago.

I can at least see and admit that now. I don't know exactly when, but he did stop being in love with me a long time before things ended. And as I sit here crying, I think I shouldn't post this. It'll only stir up the past.

Because it is over, and there is no going back. I knew he was never mine. I should have listened to those instincts. Instead of crying over someone who was probably never worth all the effort and time I put in over the years anyway, at least not for me. He's worth it, just not for me.

There are some people we never get over. For me, it's always going to be Steve. No matter what happens, he's always going to break my heart a little for the rest of my life.

Saying Goodbye

Yes, I am saying goodbye for good. No, I'm not moving elsewhere.

If it hasn't been obvious, I don't have much to say these days. Today has been a day of endings and I think it's time I end this too.

This place is a cold, empty reminder. The heartbreak is hard enough without lingering here.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen

Adieu

Bitchy

Well that guy? Yeah he sucked. Seriously possessive way too early on. And encroaching my boundaries or pushing past them. Ick!

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Heh, yes I'm aware that I'm asking that question...

So what's been new? I was at a big event over the weekend, full of my kind of people. It was wonderful! I was able to spend time with friends I hadn't seen in quite some time. I got to watch two amazing performers come out dressed up like Anna and Elsa and sing Let It Go. Mind you, this was for a magick/comedy show. Yeah, it was that kind of weekend. :-D

Steve and I are still kind of weird. I don't know what's up with that. I think maybe I have a streak of mean and bitchy going on. Makes me think of:

I'm not trying to be a bitch, I swear. But it has been coming out more lately. Apparently I've been cursing more often too. I'm feeling jaded and disgruntled most days. Mainly with the lack of sleep and reoccurring nightmares. That has been going on for the last week or so.

I hit a wall for my threshold of patience and I'm not sure I know how to be nice right now. Polite, maybe, but not nice.

There's also this anti anxiety med in me and who knows what the heck that's doing to me. I told Steve earlier that I'm going to hit up the gym in the morning. Maybe I can let go of all this shit so I can be cute, adorable, and put together again.

Though to be fair, I did tell him that he may not like the person underneath. I was not always a nice, sweet person. I could be, but it wasn't my norm? Childhood and my teenage years were odd and that's what my therapist and I have been poking near these days. It's not been fun.

I wish I could say there's been kink. But fuck people. Fuck men. Fuck all of that.

Mrrrrr

It's been one hell of a week. Besides the undercurrents of a depressive episode, I have HIGH levels of anxiety going on. I have an appointment with a neurologist in the morning. My therapist wants to talk to that doctor to create a game plan of meds for me.

Can I say how much I loathe this idea?? And I know I need it. Ugh

I think Steve and I are fighting. I say "I think" because we've never really fought before. This is not helping my anxiety, but he's...I'm...we're just not okay. It sucks.

All of this sucks.

In other news, I met a guy. My friends like him. I like him. We're inching along at this kind of dating thing. Not relationship dating, but dating with the intent to further see each other with romantic contexts underneath it.

And yeah. That's the highlight of my life right now. The rest of it is not as great. Kinda sucky. But even with all the suck going on right now, the guy is still here. Gotta give him props for that.

Let me just curl up in a little ball now.

Well Fuck

I'm really sorry I haven't been writing lately. Here or anywhere. I've not been right in my own head. I saw it coming for about 2-3 months now. Earlier this month, I even brought up the idea of antidepressants and I hate everything about the idea of those.

I see my therapist tomorrow afternoon. I don't know how that conversation is going to go...I'm scared. That's not something I admit very often. I feel like the fire burning within that keeps me going is dying out.

I wanted to let y'all know that I'm still around. I have a lot to say but this isn't the place to say it. It's really bad in my mind right now and that doesn't need to be here. I'm not reading much these days either.

Steve's worried. Of course he is. He's the only one who knows how bad it truly is, and without being in my mind, he can only guess. Even he doesn't know that I've been thinking about an inpatient or a daily outpatient program for the last month. The thought of doing something like that makes me want to tear my skin off, so that should tell you that this is bad.

On the plus side, I always write some really amazing poetry and short stories when I'm in this kind of mindset. Dark, but great. Maybe once I'm not quite so awful, I'll share some of that here.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads this and has been with me over the last two years. I appreciate it, more than you'll ever know.

Kink Article

Over the weekend, I received an email from an online kink magazine. The Managing Editor asked if I'd like to do an article for them about a D/s topic. Of course I said yes. It'll be a fun topic: "What a submissive should expect when entering into a D/s relationship." There's so much I can do with that.

When I'm done writing the piece, I'll definitely post a link so y'all can take a look. I'm really excited about this.

But for now, I'm sick with the flu so I'm going back to resting on my couch and hopefully feeling better. I've been sick since Monday and it hit like a brick wall. I felt okay all day, but within an hour, I felt like crap and started coughing up a lung. Ugh!

In other news, Chris and I aren't together anymore. I broke up with him over the weekend. After everything over the holidays, I can't do it anymore. It was horrible. Even thinking about it makes me sad and angry so I'm going to stop. It was for the best though.

Regardless, I'm incredibly excited to do a kink related article. I'm going to have fun with it. And who knows what other doors will open because of it. ^_^

Coffee Date

Last night I had a coffee date with a cute guy. We ended up closing out the starbucks and ended up elsewhere to get drinks of the more alcoholic persuasion. Turns out he's also a wine drinker, and likes good red wine. He gets points for that.

I joined an online dating site, one I had been on years ago. The funny part is seeing several people I know from my everyday life on there as well, and apparently we're decently well matched. That explains why we're friends, lol.

This guy I went to coffee with, we ended up talking about philosophy, math as the language of the universe, random science that impacts the world, religion and cults. Flirting mixed in with that. It was a lot of fun. Far more than I expected to have.

He's hot. No other way around that. A little on the shorter side, but still taller than me. It shouldn't matter, but it does. We may be getting together on Sunday. If not, I'm sure it won't be long. There was a good night kiss...and wow. So much so that we went to go our separate ways, and ended up kissing again. I found out later that he wanted to push me against his car and make out until the wait staff said something. I felt like a teenager again, haha.

I'm open to seeing what happens. I like him. Even if it's not a romantic interest, I could see us being really good friends. He's a little shy, a little quirky. But I like quirky. :)

The New Year

I didn't realize it had been a few weeks since I'd written anything. The holidays were especially busy and hectic this year. I finally have down time and plan on being less social for a while. The downtime is necessary for my body and mental health.

It's not all been fun and joy, though there were a lot of good times. I don't know how much I'll want to write about any of it, or how much I'll have to say in the next couple of weeks. Just wanted to post an update.

I'll be okay eventually. I always make it through things. But this isn't a great way to start the new year. Hopefully y'alls new year is going better. Steve is coming over Wednesday and I have therapy tomorrow. Maybe those will help and I can get back to fun posts.