On Sunday, after all the fun vanilla happenings, Sir and I talked for a while. He said something to me that I'm still mulling over in my mind a week later. Furthermore, He admitted He intentionally worded it in a way that my mind would have to process. He told me that He can't walk away from me. The very thought of it causes Him physical distress. He then proceeded to tell me that I got what I wanted.
No, I think not...
From the moment He said those words, I've been mentally staring suspiciously at them while taking a cautious few steps back. Hell, I even talked to the therapist about what Sir said because my mind hasn't been able to accept them.
He says I'm a responsibility that He willingly chooses. (we may have had a brief tiff over definitions last night over what responsibility means) But if He can't walk away...
I know the intent behind the words. I've known...for months...that we're stuck with each other. OH. I see what He did there. Clever man.
The fears that He's going to leave?? Because He made me think about it, my mind was able to bring up supporting behavior. Oh, He's good. The man knows me too well, heh.
Which the idea that He's not going to leave presents its own fears and concerns, simply because up until this point He hasn't let me remain stagnant. I know that's not going to change until He sees me healed and functioning.
I have all these shiny and functional walls to hide things behind. It's never been any use though. He's seen through them from the beginning. Not only the bad pieces, but apparently the core of me that's hidden away for self-preservation. A woman of fire and iron, who won't bend or break to anyone. He said she's pretty to look at, and I know He wants to meet that woman one day. He will, we all know it.
Ya know, damn Him for using the way my mind works to prove His point!! Lol! It's such a...Dom thing to do! Takes all the stubborn wind right out of me. Of course, I'm left feeling completely cherished because of His near infinite patience with me. And that He willingly stays by my side through the worst moments. And wishes that He could shelter me from the pain that will come on the road to getting better, not to mention wanting to carry me through to the other side.
Yet He still feels like He should be doing more. Yeah, He made a believer out of me. He's not going anywhere. The point has been made very clear with waving flags, sparklers and flashing neon lights.
Okay Sir, I give in. You're not going to leave. :-D I can live with that.