Thursday, August 15, 2013

Replacing Old Scars

I was busy cleaning my house yesterday. There's an ongoing battle with dirt and dust that I'm never going to win. Maybe one of these days I'll come to accept that. Don't worry, I won't bore you with the details of cleaning. :-P

No, instead I want to talk about a dull ache that started yesterday evening. An ex-Dom of mine helped me set up a schedule for managing my house more efficiently. As I was cleaning, I was reminded of that time of my life. And no matter how much I wish otherwise, that ache exists.

I don't regret the relationship, even though Sir thinks it was such a terrible idea. Hindsight is everything. There's an unexpected ache and sadness. I don't much care for it. He wasn't in my life long, no more than a total of 4 months. This was about 2 years ago. He was a strong dominant presence, which is why those 4 months feel more like years. He never demanded submission from me but I knew that if I wanted him to stay in my life that was something I would have to give.

And I did, to levels I never fully explained to anyone. In ways and to depths that no one before or since has come close to reaching with me. I know it all happened much too quickly. I was overwhelmed and eventually when I needed a breath of air to think clearly, it all came apart.

It's as if I can see white scars lacing my flesh where that relationship was violently pulled apart at the seams. Truly it's no wonder that there's an ache.

I've told Sir that freedom doesn't sit well with me. It hasn't since that D/s relationship. So why is it that I'm more comfortable in this relationship with Sir than I've ever been before?

That's the question I've been mulling over for the last few days. We've had our differences, arguments, and misunderstandings. We've both been frustrated with the other. Yet I don't feel any lasting anger or divisions over them, though maybe a touch of sadness when I think back on those moments. That in itself is strange, but maybe explainable.

With the ex I mentioned above, upon reflection it feels like I was wearing a harsh steel collar with a leash continuing to his hand. A pre-made instrument in which I had to fit the mold of what the man wanted in order to keeping wearing it. Keep my place at his side. I couldn't be that person no matter how much I tried. But while it lasted, I never once felt free. If anything, I was too tightly caged up.

I'm all about balance. That's ultimately why past relationships have never worked.

There's also something new. If it's not clear, I'm far from free. I feel the gentle pressure of Sir's ownership at all times. He may not always openly admit it, but it's true. When I'm out with kinky friends, and Sir isn't there, my heart aches for His comforting presence. I often internally filter people's comments. Sir may not order me to tell Him about what kinky things I get into, or what I do. He'll never have to as I'll always give that freely.

I'm Sir's. No way would I let anyone do a damn thing to me that He didn't know about. He has said He believes in free will. Doesn't want to take my choices away. My choice is to belong to Him, with all that entails. :)

I realize there's a new collar and leash I sense. A soft, strong collar woven out of trust, time, and respect. But the links of the chains in the leash are fragile. Easily damaged and broken. Each built with each step forward. Sometimes we pull too hard in either direction, fracturing the links. And those rare occasions where we've both pulled away from one another. We've come back each time to heal and mend what's been broken. Each time making the links just a little bit stronger.

I may stand proudly, even defiantly most of the time. "Me? Bend before another?" with a skeptical look. I defy Doms on a regular basis. More than with just Doms, I put myself in the line of fire at any given time. I'm opinionated and stubborn strong willed. I'm no passive submissive and I'm definitely no doormat.

Sir accepts all of that and more. I think He may enjoying watching. I'm certain I amuse Him. Hehe! It takes a strong man to command a personality like mine. I had an idea of what that would look like. But it's been Sir who managed it best. With His slow and steady pace, His patience for me, every deliberate step He took and continues to takes. His is not an overt strength of power. It's a deeper bond and connection.

As with everything, Sir has been my greatest source of healing. Though scars of the past may linger for now, and there is the occasional ache of pain, He will do what He does best. The scars will fade. The ache will become a distant memory. Something new and far better is already replacing them.

Love, strength, protection. :)

1 comment:

  1. You and him, he and you. You go together like peas and carrots. (Nam that movie, lol) seriously, you 2 are perfect for each other in so many ways, and in healing your aches and scars is just one them.

    Love this!!!