Jealousy and Fear

And it harm none, do what you will

I've spent ten years trying my best to live by those words, even if I'm constantly learning new ways of looking at those 8 simple words. Like today, realizing that those words apply just as readily to how I treat myself as to how I treat others. You'd think that'd be a tad obvious. Sometimes it's the obvious that eludes me most. Just ask Sir, lol.

Jealousy. When the heck did that become an issue? Because it is one, a minor one but still, I can't let it go on. I'll not beat around the bush; it comes from fear of betrayal which leads to suspicion and ultimately cultivates into jealousy.

If Sir thinks it's only around Him, it's not at all. Chris doesn't even know this, but when we weren't together for those few years, I had a jealous streak a mile long. Oh, I wanted him to be happy. Don't get me wrong. But those other women that were interested in him? One of them is even a friend, and I wanted to claw her eyes out. Because...mine. It's toned down quite a bit since then, ever since we picked things back up. Now? I'm even subtly helping him set himself up to date this one woman. She's warm and bright, in every sense. They'd be good for each other, and we came out of the poly closet to her over 6 months ago, so there'd be no surprises.

Lisa and I had our own issues to work through. In many ways, we have had and continue to have more issues than anyone I'm seeing. Our relationship makes what Sir and I go through look like a walk in the park. Because we're both horrible at communicating effectively and neither of us want to take the lead on that. When our relationship continuing was contingent on the approval of some possible woman that they're in the process of looking for as a "sister" to Lisa? Oh man, all the doubts and anxiety and anger and jealousy. She had no clue I felt that way. 

We recently had a long conversation about this, and we know there's a lot to work through, from both perspectives. The funny part is that we both held back because we were afraid external forces were going to force us apart. But we have relationship stuff to work through, just like anyone else. If I don't focus my writings around those, it's simply because this has been since day one primarily a place for Sir.

As for Sir, my jealousy issues run as red hot as they used to with Chris and Lisa. Unfortunately, those have a way of expressing themselves around Sir. That's the unusual part. I've always kept jealousy in the back little corner of my mind. I never wanted my insecurities to be an issue for anyone. But like with everything else in my life, I can't hide things from Sir. Transparent and open like a book.

When we were together on Saturday, He mentioned how a friend of His likes the beard He's growing. It's a name of someone He's mentioned dozens of times, but the instant GRAWR showed. Maybe only in a tightness in my face and a slight difference in tone, yet He saw it all the same. The irony that I have multiple partners and yet I'm the one who struggles the most with jealousy is not lost on me.

So why the jealousy at all? Some of it is normal levels of boundary pushing and insecurity. The rest comes from one person's poor decision making. Yes, one person I trusted hurt me in ways that I could have never fathomed. I locked myself away so no one could ever be in a position to hurt me like that ever again. But who am I hurting now because of it?

I'm hurting myself, and doing a huge disservice to those around me. Fear. That's the key, letting go of that crippling fear. Something to talk about with the therapist because I know there are no easy answers or solutions to this. But I recognize that it's hurting me. It's a start.

Anything

I was thinking back to a play party from the spring time the other morning. Overall it was a very fun day, and there are plenty of fond memories. One came to mind though, which I've been mulling over ever since. All I remember is that I wanted something, from that party. I'm not sure what I asked or possibly begged for. I was a touch out of it at the time. I do remember someone asking me what I'd do to get whatever it is that I wanted. I replied, "Anything." The three of them smirked and taunted me at my answer. Who were those people? Sir, Kevin, and Rebecca. Frickin sadists, lol!!

Remembering that little incident, I got to thinking about where I draw personal lines and what that answer of "anything" means to me. If it's not obvious, I trust all three of them not to intentionally harm me, and if something should accidentally happen, help put me back together. Sir has a deeper trust level overall in my day to day life, but as far as play goes, we've talked enough that expectations are set. I also know that I wouldn't have uttered my "anything" answer if Sir hadn't been present at the time. That is reserved for my D/s relationships.

Past Doms, and even Sir to some extent, haven't liked the "anything" answer in reply to what I'd be willing to do. Now you'd think it would inflate their egos, but Doms tend to like specifics. It's very hard to be creative and interesting when one's mind is half floating away in pleasure. That should be noted and taken into consideration. That's all I'm saying about that, lol. However, I understand the perspective of the Dom in that situation.

Contrary to what that "anything" might seem to suggest, it's not an all encompassing word that delves into insane or harmful situations. By the point I'd say that as a response, negotiations and trust have been established. Limits have been discussed. I know Sir isn't about to do something batshit crazy when we play, no matter what I say. So I don't have to say "I'd do anything but x, y, and z" because x, y, and z have already been established.

I've seen this argument for full time slavery thrown about. If a sub doesn't trust their dom not to break limits or stay within consensual realms of interactions, then it's not BDSM or kink, it's abuse. The whole "You'd let your Dom/Master break your arm if he asked?? Because you said 'anything' goes" is just fucking stupid. We play in consent. The endless what-ifs are bullshit and unnecessary.

So it goes for my "anything". In those moments where Sir would ask what I'd give? There is no limit or tit for tat. I'd give Him anything He'd ask for because it's what I want. It's what I signed up for, heh. He would only have to ask, and it's His. There's no "well, today I'm willing to do this." That's not how I function, it's not what relationships are for me. Forget the whole kink aspects, and that's still how I am.

That's what love looks like, right? Love is putting someone else above your own needs, wants, and desires. Love is about focusing on the other person instead of yourself. Why would a power exchange relationship that is clearly supposed to enhance those feelings, why would it be any different? It's not, that's why.

I'd give Sir whatever He desires because I wouldn't ever hold back on Him. So that little word of "anything" is far more powerful and meaningful than I could ever express. I know it's been seen as a flippant answer in the past, but it's one I won't give unless I truly mean it.

Replacing Old Scars

I was busy cleaning my house yesterday. There's an ongoing battle with dirt and dust that I'm never going to win. Maybe one of these days I'll come to accept that. Don't worry, I won't bore you with the details of cleaning. :-P

No, instead I want to talk about a dull ache that started yesterday evening. An ex-Dom of mine helped me set up a schedule for managing my house more efficiently. As I was cleaning, I was reminded of that time of my life. And no matter how much I wish otherwise, that ache exists.

I don't regret the relationship, even though Sir thinks it was such a terrible idea. Hindsight is everything. There's an unexpected ache and sadness. I don't much care for it. He wasn't in my life long, no more than a total of 4 months. This was about 2 years ago. He was a strong dominant presence, which is why those 4 months feel more like years. He never demanded submission from me but I knew that if I wanted him to stay in my life that was something I would have to give.

And I did, to levels I never fully explained to anyone. In ways and to depths that no one before or since has come close to reaching with me. I know it all happened much too quickly. I was overwhelmed and eventually when I needed a breath of air to think clearly, it all came apart.

It's as if I can see white scars lacing my flesh where that relationship was violently pulled apart at the seams. Truly it's no wonder that there's an ache.

I've told Sir that freedom doesn't sit well with me. It hasn't since that D/s relationship. So why is it that I'm more comfortable in this relationship with Sir than I've ever been before?

That's the question I've been mulling over for the last few days. We've had our differences, arguments, and misunderstandings. We've both been frustrated with the other. Yet I don't feel any lasting anger or divisions over them, though maybe a touch of sadness when I think back on those moments. That in itself is strange, but maybe explainable.

With the ex I mentioned above, upon reflection it feels like I was wearing a harsh steel collar with a leash continuing to his hand. A pre-made instrument in which I had to fit the mold of what the man wanted in order to keeping wearing it. Keep my place at his side. I couldn't be that person no matter how much I tried. But while it lasted, I never once felt free. If anything, I was too tightly caged up.


I'm all about balance. That's ultimately why past relationships have never worked.

There's also something new. If it's not clear, I'm far from free. I feel the gentle pressure of Sir's ownership at all times. He may not always openly admit it, but it's true. When I'm out with kinky friends, and Sir isn't there, my heart aches for His comforting presence. I often internally filter people's comments. Sir may not order me to tell Him about what kinky things I get into, or what I do. He'll never have to as I'll always give that freely.

I'm Sir's. No way would I let anyone do a damn thing to me that He didn't know about. He has said He believes in free will. Doesn't want to take my choices away. My choice is to belong to Him, with all that entails. :)

I realize there's a new collar and leash I sense. A soft, strong collar woven out of trust, time, and respect. But the links of the chains in the leash are fragile. Easily damaged and broken. Each built with each step forward. Sometimes we pull too hard in either direction, fracturing the links. And those rare occasions where we've both pulled away from one another. We've come back each time to heal and mend what's been broken. Each time making the links just a little bit stronger.

I may stand proudly, even defiantly most of the time. "Me? Bend before another?" with a skeptical look. I defy Doms on a regular basis. More than with just Doms, I put myself in the line of fire at any given time. I'm opinionated and stubborn strong willed. I'm no passive submissive and I'm definitely no doormat.

Sir accepts all of that and more. I think He may enjoying watching. I'm certain I amuse Him. Hehe! It takes a strong man to command a personality like mine. I had an idea of what that would look like. But it's been Sir who managed it best. With His slow and steady pace, His patience for me, every deliberate step He took and continues to takes. His is not an overt strength of power. It's a deeper bond and connection.

As with everything, Sir has been my greatest source of healing. Though scars of the past may linger for now, and there is the occasional ache of pain, He will do what He does best. The scars will fade. The ache will become a distant memory. Something new and far better is already replacing them.

Love, strength, protection. :)

Trying to understand each other

...and failing miserably.

No, not really lol. It is something we do struggle with and have from day one.

We can never have simple and easy conversations. I always knew Sir was a little different, but last night I got a much better understanding of what that really means. The last year suddenly makes sense. All those little connecting pieces that I saw but didn't understand; now I see what was going on.

I wasn't the only one learning last night either. I was furious because I perceived a situation one way, while He was frustrated because He had a completely different take on what was being said.

Story of this blog.

We're absolutely fine. We should be able to go back to happy fairly easily. Simply because we're both happy with the level at which we are. Actualizing it would be nice, at some point. But I am very happy taking this slowly, making sure this is right.

To give y'all an idea of what was going on, over the last two years I've been coming out of a dark depression. So deep that I was not myself for a few years. The person that people met wasn't really me, and as I've come back out of that shell, it's thrown off some people. Others see the happier, more complete version and have embraced me with open arms.

The ideas that were solidified for my life choices during this time have been taking quite a mental beating for the last year. In that process, I'm trying to take the many subsets of my personality and make them one person again. That Sir interacted with several distinct and separate subsets last night is nothing short of disturbing. There's only me, but I'm fractured within. The therapist is aware and we're working on it.

At the heart of the internal struggle are the choices I've made in regards to relationships. The choice of polyamory and being involved with BDSM are the two major sources of conflict. Even from the beginning, BDSM was a conflict. I was far more whole and self aware then too.

I'm trying to sort this all out before I decide to take any step in any direction, in regards to relationships. I'm trying to figure out why I feel guilty about playing with other people. Trying to process that one person can actually hit my major relationship needs. If there's one person who can be that for me, there must be more people like that in the world. What does that mean for me? Does it mean monogamy? Or is that a sign for a more fulfilled polyamorous life? I don't have any of these answers yet, and there are more questions than answers.

As I've been trying to discover answers, I've been wanting to talk about it with Sir. Not because I believe He'll have the answers or that this is something He could decide for me. But instead because He's my best friend and often while talking with Him about issues, things become clearer. Unfortunately, He misread the intent. Thought it had to do with talking about progressing things between us. Having grasped a better understanding of Him, I know why He thought that.

There was also a misunderstanding with the idea of "what-ifs" and talking about long term ideas. I see them as getting to know another person, understanding them better. It's an intellectual discourse to possibly find potential problems as well as mutual desires. For my past relationships, this was fairly normal. It was not a promise or commitment for more. It wasn't even a desire for more. Simply part of the relationship experience.

That's not how He saw it, nor everything I've said along those lines for the past several months. Because He backed off from those conversations, for reasons I now understand, it fueled the doubts of Him staying. Part of me believed He was just having fun and wasn't entirely interested in me for who I am, but for the fun I could offer.

All of this has been a huge misunderstanding of how we both think and operate for probably the entire time we've known each other. Everything I learned last night is why there was always road blocks between us. Hopefully we've got it sorted out now. If not, we'll just have another two hour conversation in the attempt to understand one another.

I don't know if any of this will make sense. But this post is not necessarily for you, my dear readers. It's for me to come back to and understand this moment. To remember that even when I'm damn furious with Him, we somehow find our way through it.

A conversation with Depression

Depression: Why hello there JAS. Did you miss me?

No, I really didn't.

D: But I'm familiar,  remember?

*silence*

D: Awww, kitty got her own tongue?

What do you want?

D: Just wanted to say hello to an old friend. Remind you of all those little things you seem to forget now and then.

You're a liar.

D: No JAS, that would be you.

That may be the case sometimes, but you're all lies. Twisting the truth so I won't leave you. Throwing all those horrible memories at me whenever I'm happy.

You can't stand it, me moving on from your control. But I'm not the only one fighting anymore. And unlike me, they'll never believe your lies. I don't have to be perfect; they love me anyway.

D: For now. What happens when they leave? They always leave. Then you'll be all alone, turning right back to me.

Funny thing about that. I believe in them. Whatever may happen, they won't leave.

D: Even Him? I know your fears. I push on those fears, tempt Him with leaving. You know it's only a matter of time. And then you'll fall to pieces. I know you can't handle another heartbreak, especially not from Him. You'll embrace me because I was right.

I am scared and I know you use that against me. But you aren't real. You are all the bad things that have ever happened. You are the pain and fear personified in my mind. I understand. You're scared too, because you are me.

You're just as afraid of getting hurt. In a messed up way, you're trying to protect me. Unfortunately, I know you for the lies you are. I never wanted the depression. Even if you never go away, you won't be the voice with the final say ever again.


I know this isn't the update y'all were expecting, but I needed it. It's been a rough few days in my own head. In the next post, I'll tell you all about the good and bad that has occurred. Mostly good things though. :)

Intermission

This isn't a "I'm back" post.

More of an intermission piece.

We should all realize by now that He is right by saying I need professional help in the form of therapy. I admit I have issues that have been around for far too many years. That I can track the depression for over a decade now says more than I ever could.

I've never actually disagreed that I need the help. I distrust therapists, immensely. I've had my share of downright bad ones. I do not trust them not try to get me locked up in a mental institution. It doesn't matter that I know the laws in my state. I reviewed them in great detail. Yep, huge amounts of total distrust.

Look I've been in and out of therapists offices since I was a little kid. I know I have my issues, which are by and large swept under a rug. The not so great things about me: major depression, anxiety, trauma from sexual, physical and emotional abuse, abandonment issues.

I suffer from panic attacks. I have a negative voice in my head that thinks everything is going to go wrong all the time, and because of that, I'm no good to anyone. I regularly suffer flashbacks from several majorly traumatic events.

Yet I also try to convince myself that I didn't have it so bad as to warrant help or even that I don't have a right to be screwed up. It drives Him insane that I will give a mile to anyone I care about with any kind of problem, yet I won't recognize that I have legitimate reasons to not be okay.

Until now. I went searching through local therapists in the area. There's one I liked immediately. He specializes in depression, relationship issues, and anxiety. He also works with LGBTQ issues. So I shouldn't be able to surprise or scare the guy too terribly. "No, I'm not the 50 shades of grey kinky. I'm so much worse. *me grinning*"  Or "Oh, relationships. Well do you want the long or short answer on them? I'm happy with those after all.  *noting the plural, the guy's eyes go wide*"  

Sir, you sure you want me seeing a therapist?? Hahaha

So yeah, I'm working up the nerve to fill out a form on the therapist's website. I can stare at it, even read through the questions. It's the "briefly describe why I'm looking for a therapist" and "describe treatment history" that I have no idea  how to answer. Maybe it'll come to me sometime in the next few days.

Upon Reflection

A few months ago, Sir gave me a journal of His to read. It was from a few years ago. Over the weekend we spent together, He let me read a little bit more. I cried reading His words. The fear and frustration broke my heart. I curled up close with Him, saying that I'm not going anywhere.

I'm prepared to stay. I know the sources of conflict that may arise at some point. I see those differences and think, "We can find a way to make this work." It's not just a fanciful thought either. I trust that we can find compromises and middle ground. We've done so rather well up until this point.

There was another smaller piece of writing that He let me read. It's a variation of Psalm 23, in a D/s context. It touched me deeply. I'd love it if He'd allow me to share it here with you. If He ever stops being overworked and busy, I'll ask Him about it. That's why I haven't mentioned the guest post either. Life has been very hectic and I understand.

He often keeps His emotions tightly wrapped up but I'm learning the signs. Like yesterday when He said, "Good morning, lovely."   I couldn't suppress a grin and a fluttering in my stomach. I appreciate the little signs of affection. He often kisses my forehead which leaves me feeling cherished and protected.

I value the trust and vulnerability it takes to share His past with me. Especially in the confines of a private journal, I understand how much more exposed those thoughts often are.

He was wrapped up in furthering His career when we met. Well, He still is but it's not a bad thing. He wasn't looking for love, romance, definitely not a sub when He strolled into that room back in July. He barely knew if He wanted to come back to TTWD.

Not us

It's taken a while to realize what this is, what all it means. It was a couple of years since He was last romantically involved with anyone. I don't want to share too much, as this is His life. I only say that to illustrate His perspective. I came into His life and threw a curve ball. I can imagine it was unsettling to start back up in the BDSM community, trying to navigate those waters, and figuring out why this woman (who was far too open with Him from the moment we met) felt like meeting an old friend.

Not to mention the physical chemistry between us. All of that physical chemistry that sat just under the surface for several months...

That might give a better idea of how things have progressed with Him. Because at some point, He decided that this was genuine and something worth pursuing. I can tell you the night when I noticed the change, back in January. Since that time, we've been growing closer. There are still some walls between us and if we continue down this path, eventually they'll have to come down.

Upon reflection, I realize how far we've come. Both of us have been happier. We've been furthering the connection between us. What we share is worth treasuring and fighting for. It's worth the compromises. It's always been worth it, no matter where this journey takes us.

This is different and I like it

Last night, I was standing in the shower. Thinking about Friday night. Trying to get into that deep head space where pain, degradation, humiliation are all signs of affection. More, the place where I become soaking wet and I'm an agreeable puddle of happiness.

The train of thought derailed into large crash. Everything caught fire. I watched it burn. But somehow I walked away unscathed. All the demons of the past came back to haunt me. I've had real life non-consent that has left me broken and bleeding. I stood there with it as the water washed over me. Not the usual consuming and trying to run away. Instead it was a sharp pain, one that made me nauseous and then sick.

About half an hour later, as I was sitting against a wall, the pain began to lessen. Usually there are feelings of festering wounds that are being recovered, several weeks later after this kind of incident. 30 minutes later and I'm feeling okay. Enough that I can go back to my thoughts of Sir and I. That I was able to smile and be giddy with excitement.

Because while people have violated me, that's not what this weekend is about. It's about trust, care, affection, desires, closeness. He wouldn't do this, knowing the risks on both ends, if love wasn't part of the motivation. I was able to see this right away as I sat there. Knowing it was truth, with no voices of opposition.

It occurred to me this morning as I woke up and started getting the house ready for Sir's visit that this was new for me. That I felt fine today. Maybe not my best but definitely not depressed. I had a thought that maybe Sir is right.

Maybe pain isn't all there is. Maybe I can heal. Not for a day or a few weeks. But let the wounds truly heal.

My mind tells me that I should be upset and in pain. That something is clearly wrong because this is not my normal. There's no panic or sadness or pain. An oddness, a surreal perspective.

I'm not one to envy others. But if this is how people normally process pain from the past, flashbacks...I envy you all for this ability to bounce back. To feel pain but not be consumed about it. You may take it for granted and that's okay.

But for someone like me? This feeling is a miracle.

What awaits me on Friday

He is an evil, sadistic man!! We've been sorting out more details for Friday night. I am willingly handing myself over to Him for a wild night of depravity. And believe me, it will be quite depraved!

It's no longer just a home invasion scenario. No, it got taken up a notch or two. He'll become a stranger, who has watched me and waited. Seen all of my dirty little secrets. Knows that I'm deviant. Finally can't resist anymore and breaks in to have the object of His obsession.

A cold and heartless man who will do whatever He pleases with me. Dark, humiliating, degrading things.

Oh my fear is quite real. I've seen Him reign in during a scene. That is enough to leave me shaking and breathless. I can't even imagine the man who will be walking into my home on Friday.

Furthermore, I have instructions on how to be prepared for Him on Friday. Besides the clothing to wear, my hair will be done up nicely as well as make-up. To aid in the ruining of me. It'll be set as if He's walking in on me having a private scene with self-bondage. My legs will be tied up pretty, and effectively so I will be helpless. Hands cuffed behind my back. Blindfold and collar on. Plugged and playing with a vibrator in my pussy.

That's how He'll find me. Helpless and ready to be tormented. Exactly how He likes me. Then He'll do terrible things to me. Lots of terrible plans, some of which I gave Him the ideas for. Sometimes I'm too helpful for my own good.

It's going to be an amazing time. Filled with more orgasms than I'll know what to do with. His plan is to have me be a quivering, incoherent mess by Saturday evening. Pretty sure He'll get there before Friday night is out.

I trust Him. I have to in order to go forward with a scene like that. But yes, I am very much nervous and afraid. Emotions that He plans on taking full advantage of come Friday.

Waiting and Wondering

I'm out of town and will be for a while. I miss Sir already, though it's been nice where I am. So vague, I know.

I don't know how often I'll be posting but I will be checking in and reading others blogs as much as possible.

There's been some stress already, but that's from back home issues. It seems to have sorted itself out until I can deal with it upon my return. Sir is worried, the BF is worried...I'm optimistic and hopeful. We'll see how it all plays out.

Speaking of them...maybe they aren't so bad at figuring things out after all???

The BF may be more dominant than I suspected. More accepting, especially of Sir. Had moments of poignant reflection, including of making things work because if total possession isn't possible, then my happiness is the next best thing. Might have some more long term potential than I would have guessed too.

As for Sir, we had a conversation before I left. I wasn't too thrilled with it, even if I understood His intentions. Maybe He can be accept things as they stand for the long haul as well. But that's a conversation for another time, many months down the road.

If they're willing to try...I sure as hell I willing to give it a go and do what I can to make things run as smoothly as possible.

We'll just have to wait and see...

What It All Means

I knew I wouldn't like that conversation, though for not the reasons I expected. Too many thoughts racing around my mind. Trying to make sense of them.

We give a lot of ourselves in TTWD, in varying levels. As a sub, I've presented myself on a platter to previous Doms. Not all of me, but large enough portions that I'm still trying to break free of some emotional and mental chains.

Always freely given, even when there was some wrestling in the moment. Because there is no shoving D/s into a box and forgetting it. This is who I am. Those previous relationships, and even the existing chains, let the submissive free. A gateway to understanding myself.

My first Dom was maybe the worst for me. Yet, there's a song he sent me. It's still on my computer. I even listen to it now and then. He got the least of me but he threw open the door. When I'm struggle, and I do sometimes, I listen to that. I recall how I arrived at this point. How innocent I was and how even with the wrong man, submission was still oh-so-right.

I spent a long time fighting and struggling with polyamory. My view of relationships comes from a monogamous perspective and poly is far more complex. What is "normal" is relationship dependent in polyamory. Yet, I find myself trying to fit relationships (okay, one in particular) into the monogamous mold.

Doesn't work like that. I have Sir, a BF, regular play partners, and people I consider a second family who I on occasion play with.

What about that is normal??? In my world, I guess that has become the norm. All that open loving and treating people equaling seems to have expanded my world.

Yet...that doesn't negate the craving for a husband. Where we have that white picket fence with a dungeon in the basement. Children who we idolize. Growing old together...I thought I had found that. I didn't. Crash and burn spectacular. I had given up hope on that traditional life. Told myself I would never live with another partner. That was the fastest way to ruin a relationship...And the desire is still there, haunting me.

I know the ideas aren't contradicting, poly and the happily ever after. Complicated, sure. But I know people who make it work, and do it amazingly well.

There are parts of me I can't change, no matter how much I fight them. I want children. Beautiful little boys and girls. James, Marie, Alexander, Cassandra, and Emily. I want them all and have since I was a young teenager. My dream of a family that I swear sometimes God makes a mockery of, but I keep hoping for it to be a reality one day.

I am poly. Maybe while raising kids, I would focus more on monogamy, or closed poly. I have tried monogamy. I would try again, if I thought it stood a chance of working.

So what does this all have to do with Sir and I? A little bit, but I'll get to that. This is partially where our conversation directed my thoughts. That I may see most or all the pieces of who I am, but I'm still trying to figure out how to put them all together.

That I take our relationship, or whatever else you want to call it, seriously. I handed over my submission to Him. I have every intention of taking Him up on making this "Fetlife official", heh. I take my love for Him seriously, even if I don't know what all it will mean for us.

So, when Sir told me He doesn't want to share me, I took that seriously. Sat with it and pondered. What I would give for His happiness, and still be happy myself. This is what I signed up for, with the D/s. It wasn't all to do with help with orgasms, or a physical attraction to Him. Instead, it meant that I was willing to compromise; to do what I could to make His life happier and more fulfilled.

Because I want Him to be the person who helps me take all the pieces and assemble them into something coherent. And maybe I shouldn't be saying this, not yet. But it's not a goal. Just a wish and a dream, like so many I've held close to my heart.

But none of this is what you've been

waiting to hear about...

He said that He may not like sharing me, but He doesn't like exercising either. That doesn't mean it's not something necessary. And He pointed out that He never asked me not to pursue other interests. He wants me to do what will make me happy. Not in relation to anyone else, but for myself. Be a little selfish.

Heh, selfish? Hahaha...Sir, have you met me? Selfish is asking for a commitment beyond the vague "if I say something, then I consider it a promise", once it's possible. I know it's not yet and it is coming soon. But damn I want to show you off. Do happy dances of joy that I can admit to being yours. Selfish is not letting another woman ever touch my Sir, ever again, because I don't want to share you. Because I don't want to ever give you up.

Selfish also isn't me. I am a giver. I am happy making others happy. I don't need much. I have survived with far less than what I have now. This is content. The time I spend with Sir, those are my moments of happiness. Joy and bliss.

Maybe this isn't the explanation that was expected.

That's okay. Never promised anything else.

I've never claimed to be normal, heh.

And y'all can thank Julia for

the song that's at the end of this post.

It's a new favorite. :-)

Choice and D/s

Before I get into the rest of the details from my previous post...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so the long squeal of delight is because I'm spending the night with Sir!!! It's our first and I've been bouncing for joy since we made plans. Cuddling!!! And I was told to bring toys. Gonna be a happy kitten tonight! I had to share this delightful news. I'm sure I'll have plenty of details to write about tomorrow!

Back to choices. This began with a conversation we had on Sunday. In His hesitancy to put restricting rules in place as it takes away choice. I've been thinking about that all week actually. The idea of choice in the confines of D/s.

The moment true choice is taken away, the line of consent blurs. I know some slaves, likely even some submissives, live this way quite happily. It comes from a place of trust and mutual understanding.

But I challenge anyone within a BDSM relationship to say they don't have choice in some capacity or another. We can still say "no" and if it's not respected, then we have the option of leaving. Anything else is abuse, not BDSM.

So the idea of choice is a fuzzy one. Because Doms and subs often do things they may not like in order to please the other person. It does go both ways. Doms don't want to be Dominant all the time no more than a sub wants to be submissive all the time. We do things in relationships out of love, respect, and the idea of placing another's needs above ones own.

I will always have a choice. I can choose not to do whatever Sir tells me. There will be consequences, of course. If it's something I agreed to, then punishment will occur. If it's something I can or will no longer do, then it's time to reevaluate. Renegotiate.

By personal choice, I would not be sexually monogamous. I'm old enough to realize that I will want to have sex with others, the fantasy of the "One" has been gone for some time. And young enough that a lot of options are available to me at any given time. If Sir says "no", then I have a choice. I can agree to it or I can disagree. What happens from there will depend on several factors, I'm sure. As of right now, I can live with the sexual monogamy as it's not quite that black and white. I have the freedom to emotionally connect with others as well as play.

Choices. What we do is consensual, safe, and sane. We take calculated risks, not just with our bodies. With our minds, hearts, souls. As a sub, I trust the Dom I'm with to make choices for me. I can always say no, but I don't want to. I'm with the man for a reason after all. 

We're compatible, in more ways than just kink. I chose Him. I chose D/s, knowing full well that I will not have the full and complete choices of how I live my life. I don't want all those choices. The biggest choice I will ever make is in deciding who I will submit to. That is Sir.

Even His hesitation and fears about removing choice let me know He's the right person. Because He won't make decisions for me without knowing for sure if it's right. And if it's not, we'll find a way to make it work. That's the man He is and why He's worthy of trust.

I can understand why He's afraid to remove choice. Doesn't want to mirco-manage me. And given my abusive past, He doesn't want to affect my life in a negative way. But it's my choice to submit. My choice to hand over parts of my life to Him.

As long as He is the man I know now, a good and honorable person, then I will continue to give myself to Him. For however long He wants me. :)

I'm sure I'll more to say on this topic in the future...