Jealousy and Fear

And it harm none, do what you will

I've spent ten years trying my best to live by those words, even if I'm constantly learning new ways of looking at those 8 simple words. Like today, realizing that those words apply just as readily to how I treat myself as to how I treat others. You'd think that'd be a tad obvious. Sometimes it's the obvious that eludes me most. Just ask Sir, lol.

Jealousy. When the heck did that become an issue? Because it is one, a minor one but still, I can't let it go on. I'll not beat around the bush; it comes from fear of betrayal which leads to suspicion and ultimately cultivates into jealousy.

If Sir thinks it's only around Him, it's not at all. Chris doesn't even know this, but when we weren't together for those few years, I had a jealous streak a mile long. Oh, I wanted him to be happy. Don't get me wrong. But those other women that were interested in him? One of them is even a friend, and I wanted to claw her eyes out. Because...mine. It's toned down quite a bit since then, ever since we picked things back up. Now? I'm even subtly helping him set himself up to date this one woman. She's warm and bright, in every sense. They'd be good for each other, and we came out of the poly closet to her over 6 months ago, so there'd be no surprises.

Lisa and I had our own issues to work through. In many ways, we have had and continue to have more issues than anyone I'm seeing. Our relationship makes what Sir and I go through look like a walk in the park. Because we're both horrible at communicating effectively and neither of us want to take the lead on that. When our relationship continuing was contingent on the approval of some possible woman that they're in the process of looking for as a "sister" to Lisa? Oh man, all the doubts and anxiety and anger and jealousy. She had no clue I felt that way. 

We recently had a long conversation about this, and we know there's a lot to work through, from both perspectives. The funny part is that we both held back because we were afraid external forces were going to force us apart. But we have relationship stuff to work through, just like anyone else. If I don't focus my writings around those, it's simply because this has been since day one primarily a place for Sir.

As for Sir, my jealousy issues run as red hot as they used to with Chris and Lisa. Unfortunately, those have a way of expressing themselves around Sir. That's the unusual part. I've always kept jealousy in the back little corner of my mind. I never wanted my insecurities to be an issue for anyone. But like with everything else in my life, I can't hide things from Sir. Transparent and open like a book.

When we were together on Saturday, He mentioned how a friend of His likes the beard He's growing. It's a name of someone He's mentioned dozens of times, but the instant GRAWR showed. Maybe only in a tightness in my face and a slight difference in tone, yet He saw it all the same. The irony that I have multiple partners and yet I'm the one who struggles the most with jealousy is not lost on me.

So why the jealousy at all? Some of it is normal levels of boundary pushing and insecurity. The rest comes from one person's poor decision making. Yes, one person I trusted hurt me in ways that I could have never fathomed. I locked myself away so no one could ever be in a position to hurt me like that ever again. But who am I hurting now because of it?

I'm hurting myself, and doing a huge disservice to those around me. Fear. That's the key, letting go of that crippling fear. Something to talk about with the therapist because I know there are no easy answers or solutions to this. But I recognize that it's hurting me. It's a start.

The Shifts of Power, The Shifts in Us

I have what I feel is an interesting post waiting in the drafts. I'm having Sir look over it first. For one, I'm not terribly sure it's long enough. Honestly, it feels like one of the topics I could write an essay on. Too many literature and writing classes have my mind wired to present topics versus simply writing on them. I think I pared it down to a manageable level without losing the intended effect. Also, I had Sir look at it first because it was not something I wanted to spring up on Him. I gave Him the deciding vote on whether it'll end up here or not, which is in a way fitting given the subject matter of the post.

Okay, now I'm just rambling. :P

Lost Kittie and I were chatting about Doms the other day. The reactions they cause in us. How we tend to hang onto their every word. Always looking for some sort of confirmation of acceptance and continued interest. Trusting them to know what the heck they're doing. Which we all know sometimes they don't and need a gentle nudge. It can be difficult though not to step on toes, and even harder, not to crush what is often a fragile ego.

Our conversation sparked a stumbling train of thoughts that led me in circles and a variety of paths. We're going to see where it takes me now. Hope you enjoy the ride. :D

We have this idea of what Doms are, in both the finite and infinite possibilities. For the most part, until we begin to give them control and power over us, we can still see them as an equal. We're hiding safely behind our walls. We've yet to experience the awe of watching the soon-to-be Dom fully clothe himself in power.

The moment the shift occurs, something shifts within us. Suddenly the man has become a little bit more than that. Within the man, there becomes pieces just out of our reach. We find ourselves exposed, piece by piece. Walls are dismantled or come crumbling down. Sometimes they're pushed aside as if they never existed at all. By the very nature of the power exchange relationship, this occurs. Yet what was once equal has tipped, the scales being in his favor.

The Dom reveals what is necessary when he feels it is appropriate. There is no full, complete exposure--definitely not in the way we've unveiled ourselves. We find ourselves no long the masters of our own lives, instead having to turn to another. It is this reversal that leaves us so vulnerable. He has become essential to day to day living because we crave approval, love, acceptance, direction, and even correction.

The simplest of words have power that never would have existed before this relationship. There are symptoms of withdraw when he is gone too long or seemingly becomes distant. This is something the Dom may not even realize, for he cannot sense or feel the constant yearning that is within us. All that independence we're taught to hold so tightly and proudly on to is ripped from our grasp. Their presence in our lives becomes non-negotiable. All our fears and concerns are amplified because the voice inside our own head is no longer the one in control. So we can't completely ease our consciences, instead we need to turn to them to provide that voice of calm and reason.

The changes that occur when power is handed over is specific to an individual. But no one handles it with grace all the time. There is an inherent neediness to being submissive. It can shake the very foundations of who we are. It can cause inner conflicts that may never end up being resolved. Society doesn't teach men or women to be dependent and subservient to another. It doesn't teach us to be selfless towards the needs of our partners. For as selfless it may be to serve a Dom, the same selflessness is required on their part. Whereas we must turn to them to be the voice of reason, they must now be the voice of reason for two.

The shift that occurs, the greatness of the man that we now have in our viewpoint, is necessary. In order to accept that we are not in control of ourselves, our minds make this man into someone above us. There is a slight resemblance to worship in the effects of power exchange. Do we not have our prayers to them, when we are lost and stumbling in this role, to help us find clarity and peace? Do we not trust them--sometimes with childlike innocence, other times with the skepticism and hope that only those with unanswered prayers can.

Yet we must hold in our minds the man they were before the power. Keep them grounded and accountable. To be around and interactive, not some lofty creature we can't relate to. To let them sometimes get on bended knees. To be their rock when they will inevitably stumble. We must see beyond the power we give them, in order to trust that when we offer guidance and support, we won't brushed aside with indifference. To remember they are still the imperfect beings they always were, simply made more complete with the love and obedience we show.

Wow, that escalated quickly! I must still be in the grips of essay writing. Ha! Before anyone goes off, yes I used male Doms. It's easier with writing to stick to a specific gender. This in no way insinuates that women can't be Doms. It was simply more natural for me to place men in that position.

I'm sure I'll have more to say on this at another point. As it is only a snippet of what is going through my mind at any given point. :)

Hope

I'm still inching through the Ragamuffin Gospel. Maybe it's meant to be that way. There's a section about being honest with who we are, all the good and the bad, in order to be in a more honest place with our relationship to God. I really do recommend this book. As a former Catholic, and if I'm honest no longer even Christian, it means a lot coming from me. The author speaks a language I understand, probably because he's a former Franciscan priest.

I want to share a passage with you. It spoke to me on several levels. My struggling relationship with the Creator, the tumultuous relationship that I have with myself, and the relationships I have with those in my life.

Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him--as nothing else can--and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. (pg 87)

The realizations that one paragraph gave me are stunningly beautiful. I was moved to tears. Most of it is very personal, as it should be. One of those moments where something clicks in my mind and I have a greater understanding. I'm left feeling in awe.

Seeing as this is a blog about Sir and I, there are a few realizations that I will share. The startling truth that this is how Sir feels about and reacts towards me. My past, with all my imperfections, don't scare Him away or put walls up between us. He accepts that I'm broken, that He is too. Yet we are proof that we can heal one another. The walls we try to put up are false things. I see past His walls, just as He does mine.

When I'm honest and open, everything doesn't seem so bad. He helps shed rationality onto situations and emotions. If He trusts my honesty, if He embraces all my faults--I have to learn to trust that He means what He says. That when He's vulnerable, it's not a ploy. He truly only wants what is best for me. One day I won't doubt any of this.

I wish I could better explain the emotions going through me. That I feel as if I'm seeing with eyes wide open, with clarity. He's not perfect. I'm far from it. But together, everything seems a little better. The wonder and awe returns. All of His complexities leave me speechless and comforted. The past has been getting clearer. I'm being reminded there's been more than just pain. I've been seeing how the pain has shaped me into the person I am today. Compassion and empathy for others. Appreciating what blessings I have in life. Living a simple life. I still want to change the world, but one person at a time. Realizing the impact I have on those around me. I make their lives better and in turn they're able to help others.

I hope this feelings lingers for a while. I know it can't last. It's too peaceful. It's hopeful. That word that has been friend and foe for many years. Today, it feels like friend. That the words I use to keep myself afloat have more meaning and weight behind them. Even with how my life hasn't turned out like I always imagined, there's still plenty of time to change directions. That doing so will lead to a better, brighter future.

I will sometimes miss the subtle clues. I'm thankful that this one was able to hit home. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe the Creator sends me the right clues exactly when I need them. Every time I stray, I find my way back to faith--even if it's not Christianity. I find the right people, at the right time. My life led me to this point, where I love and am loved by one of the best men I've ever known. That's more than a lot of people have and I'm so grateful for Him.

I have hope. It's a strange, but good feeling.

Through the Turbulent Emotions

I wish things were simpler. Last night the idea of Him hijacked my dream. It's good to have Him back there, but it means I'm worried too. There's nothing at all to be done about any of it. Just making that clear now. I can't keep bottling it up inside though.

He told me that He loved me twice in the dream. I know He does as He's alluded to the very specific absence of the words. He shows it in His actions. My logical part of my mind understands and accepts this. The emotional side, what we associate with our hearts, doesn't get it. There's fear, loneliness, stress, aching, and a whole mess of other emotions.

For the most part I'm distracted during the day. At night, I lie in bed aching from all the emotions I try to avoid. Physically aching, mind you. Because I can't give them voice or life. There is no salve to heal them. So I'm left convincing myself that it's all worth it. That one day it'll get better. It has to get better. Believing it only insofar as I don't put up walls between us.

Earlier today, He told me that He wants me to be honest about the good and the bad. I believe Him and I know there's no ill intent or motive behind it. That's not always been the case in the past. People walked out of my life when times got hard. Family, friends, partners--they all did it, with the exception of a handful of people. Sometimes before people would leave, they would use that trust against me. That as I am no one will ever want to be in my life, let alone share it.

It's like an animal, after it's been abused and beaten more times than it can count. It prepares for the out lash. Avoids doing whatever it is that "triggers" the abuse, knowing that it'll likely come anyway. People aren't that different from animals. I'm not that different.

I know He's different. He defies everything people tried to make me believe was true. It's just going to take some time to wrap my head around it. I know I project my fears onto Him. That there must be some cruel monster waiting to harm me, to break me, lurking some where within. But there's not. I can accept it yet still not believe it. I can only imagine how frustrating that is for Him.

There's not simple answer to any of this. I'm exposing old wounds that I hate to reveal but I have to do it if we stand a chance at all. I was sobbing my eyes out earlier and three simple words helped ease the pain. "I can wait" :)   Wait for me to build more trust. Wait for me to truly believe Him to be the man I know He is.

Debates Over Therapy

I was writing a nice post yesterday. A lighter piece from the last few days, full of love and sweetness. I apologize that you're not reading that one instead.

About half way through, the depression crashed into me like a damn semi truck. I haven't been able to shake it since. Or a tidal wave might be more accurate. Since trying to stay on top of the depression is like keeping my head above water as it tries to pull me down to the dark depths.

Sir wants me to talk to someone, a professional. This is not the first time we've had this conversation. I doubt it'll be the last. We're both biased in different directions about therapy. I am so frustrated by therapists that I let that malice enter my words directed His way. It wasn't fair and I apologized for it. He wants me to be happy and healthy. I can't blame Him for it.

I don't see the personal advantages of seeing a therapist. I know it can do wonders for people. It's a positive if the therapist is any good. But I don't like therapists nor do I trust them. And the one time I met the right therapist and gave it a true chance, I was a mess constantly. I could not function in my day to day life, and we had barely touched a tip of the iceberg of issues.

I keep everything carefully locked away for a reason. I don't go near those parts because they're like landmines. I do much better when I stay far away from it all. But you ask, what caused the initial spark of depression?

The best I can tell, though it seemed like a reaction to being hit by negative waves at the time, was I had a panicked moment about this blog. That what I was doing, writing about Sir and I, was wrong. That He must hate me for it. Obviously, He reads this and it's something we've talked about before. Yet there was no voice for rational thought yesterday, especially not above the sea of chaos and darkness.

But this blog doesn't make sense for being the initial start of a depressive episode. It could have been something delayed from anything. Or my mind simply fucking with me. I wouldn't put it past my mind to have a depressive episode be caused by nothing in particular.

I know Sir is just worried about me. He hates when I'm not doing well and I know He feels like there's not much He can do to help. It's why He suggested that I go see someone for help. It comes from a place of love and concern. It's likely the only reason why I'm not mad or why it didn't further set off the depression. It's frustrating because therapy is supposed to be the doctor and medicine for the mind. Yet for me, it's one of the quickest ways to shut down and retreat.

So, I don't know what to do. Stay with keeping my head above the water I guess. I do feel better than I did yesterday. The depression hasn't been lasting near as long since around the new year. I'm sure it'll be a few days yet, but I'm fighting the good fight. Maybe I will get into therapy at some point. Actually, if Sir and I stay together, I'm sure it'll be a 'when' not an 'if.' We've had this conversation too many times now. Eventually I'll go just to prove one of us right and to stop the continuing debate over this.

Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon to finish the sweetness post from yesterday. This blog needs something light and fun. Truthfully, I'm in need of that too. And I could use some time with Sir but that's always the case. :)

Unraveling The Story

The story yesterday is a true one, about the only honest intimate relationship I had. That is before I met Sir. Furthermore, it was the only time in my life where I functioned without depression. There were painful times still. Those are but a handful of issues that I've ever dealt with rationally and reasonably.

I was happy, healing. I was able to express myself and not live behind masks. I had legitimate friendships with people who actively chose to be in my life. I had hope for my life and the future. I was in an amazing, incredible relationship. We were crazy about each other. So deeply in love, with a naturally formed BDSM relationship. He sang me to sleep with a lullaby every night. I was content being monogamous. I never wanted anything but to spend our lives together.

And when He began putting up walls, retreating, I didn't know what to do. So I kept on loving him, remaining loyal. I did all I could to bring him back to me, even asking for his best friend for help. This was the man I gave everything to; I kept no secrets from him. I couldn't fathom life without him.

I never cared about the other girl. I wasn't mad or jealous. I simply wanted to continue on, rebuild. He didn't know what he wanted and it ended very badly. My heart was crushed and broken. Yet still, I loved him completely and selflessly. I would have forgiven him of anything at that time. A love so strong that he completed my heart, mind and soul. It was pure and very real.

He threw it all away, but even that's not fair. I played my role in our end as well. And remaining friends? Watching him move on? It broke me little by little. I loved him even then. I would have given him anything he asked for. I loved him even as he crushed me completely and walked away from our friendship.

I swore I would never do it again. I would never love again. I would never expose myself so completely. I couldn't imagine finding someone as amazing, especially not someone better. Though I dated others after that, I doomed them all before they began. I hurt myself by not being selective, by falling into relationships without thinking about who the person was, let alone the future.

I may have loved some of them, but never was I in love. I may have tried to convince them and myself in the moment, but the lie of it all was obvious. No one can be in love without knowing and being known by the other person. And I didn't want that. I cursed myself to remain in a living hell for years. I was trying to fill a void of emptiness, one I'd always sought to fill. I was doing so with the worst people imaginable. They were false relationships filled with darkness.

It was only once I began to deal with the pain of losing the man I loved did I begin to see the path I was on. It took another year for the haze to fully fade. And then I began to form lasting, honest friendships again. I welcomed people into my life. I admitted to the BF that I still cared for him. Six months later we were back together, better than ever.

About two months after that, I met Sir. I was intrigued like I hadn't been in years. I did what I swore I would never do again. I let down the walls. I was honest, even when I didn't want to be. I was more cautious but my heart knew what it wanted, long before my mind caught up.

It wasn't until this last week though that I really understood what the choices I had made had done to my life. When I thought Sir was bored and going to leave, I realized the truth. I was angry, which is why my post about His detachment was so bitter. It wasn't at Him though. It was at myself. I hated myself in that moment. That I had set myself up yet again. Fallen so deeply in love that His distance was tearing me apart from the inside out.

I never meant to fall in love with Him. I've said it before. I never explained the why behind that until now. I didn't want this vulnerability. I didn't want the possibility of being crushed and destroyed again. It hurt when others left, sometimes tearing themselves quickly from my life, and I wasn't in love. I couldn't let someone be the ultimate weapon against me.

But it's never quite that simple, is it? Because this love with such power to destroy me has also helped to set me free. It exists because some part of me did want this, was open to it. I was living once more in the light, or trying to. And I met an incredible man. Even though He could hurt me, I've always known He's worth it. That I'm worth being known, being vulnerable.

The benefits outweigh the risks. And so, I've been fumbling with all this. I said recently that it's like falling in love for the first time all over again. Because it's true. So I rush and I want it all at once. I think too far ahead, but I do know that patience and taking our time is the right course of action.

It's been difficult for me not to rush this. Maybe I'm trying to make up for lost years. Maybe I've been missing the deep connection of being in love that I am a tad too eager at times. It comes from a good place, at least. And I'm not that same young woman either. I've learned from the years of bad relationships to pace myself. Be sure that the decisions I'm making are the right ones, for the right reasons.

My heart no longer aches. The pain of the past has been easier to handle and process. Being in love has been good to me. And I learned that if Sir isn't the one I'll end up with long term, I won't hide my heart away again. I will heal in time.

Now you know why I thought He was going to leave me for someone else. Why I mourned what existed and was convinced would end. He called me out on it, a few months ago. It's only now that I fully understand where it was coming from. How to best manage it...give Him the benefit of the doubt. Trust Him. Be reasonable, patient, and honest.

Continue loving Him even though the future is uncertain. Enjoy what I do have which I've been getting better at over the last few months. I do have long term desires for us, but over years if/when things are right. Thinking about them now doesn't call for immediate action. I'm not that blinded by love. But sometimes I don't think as clearly as I'd like and want things before they're possible. In many ways, I'm new to being in love. I don't know always what I'm doing and I do get it wrong more often than not.

When we were in bed Saturday morning, I was in His arms laying on the bed. I was crying still when I asked, "I fell too much in love with you, didn't I?" He was legitimately confused by that. It wasn't a question directed at Him but to myself. Even though this is the best thing that's ever happened to me...and believe me it is. What Sir and I share is 100 times better than the best moments with that man I loved years ago...I still wonder if I'm making a mistake by making myself so vulnerable.

I don't have the answers beyond that being with Sir makes me blissfully happy. My life is better with Him. Beyond the fears and the doubts, I want to spend my life with this man. Wherever it may take us, both in distance and the journey of life. I know He has no idea how to react to that. And my answer is:

You're willing to wait for me with everything that is going on in my life. I will wait for you, for as long as you need me to wait. Now you have a better understanding of just how loyal and devoted I truly am.

I love you more than words could ever say. I've loved you more than any other before. More than the only other man I've been in love with, by leaps and miles. It scares me too, in so many ways. Yet you've taught me that love and living are intertwined. No longer do I crave darkness but the light that is you. 

A Story Of The Past

The following is a story

from what seems like a lifetime ago.

There once was a handsome young man with big ideas and a bigger heart. Through common friends he met a young woman unlike any other. For months their friendship grew. Then one day, everything changed. Their eyes locked and hands that always kept a respectable distance met. From that moment, she knew and he knew the truth; they had fallen for each other.

Yet it was still months later when they could deny themselves no longer. They fell in love hard and fast. He adored her, with her wild nature and "do as I will" attitude. She saw his innocence and was given hope that the world wasn't as bad as she always assumed.

He found the strength to be all that was possible. She found the path to living in peace and happiness. For the next year, they found absolute joy together. They gave each other all that they had. He opened her mind to kink and BDSM, and she walked eagerly down that path with him. Together they explored all that flesh had to offer, with many thrills along the way. It was a power exchange based on and fueled by mutual love and devotion.

Their families met and became involved with one another. He brought her to Christmas dinner. His younger sister adored her, was the happiest for them. They talked about the future and their own family one day. Four or five children running amok. The first boy would share his name. The first girl would be named after her mother. They made plans for years into the future.

It was spring time when she noticed the difference in him. He was distant, reserved, less involved in their relationship. As spring turned to summer, the distance was vast. She barely saw him anymore; she no longer felt like his priority. Still she loved him with all her heart. She believed they would always find their way together.

Until July when he dropped a bombshell on her. He was intrigued by someone else, an old friend where the friendship was rekindled. He thought they should "take a break". Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Except he had been distant, didn't he see that? She loved him all the same, was devoted to him and their relationship. Wounded, she hurt him back without thinking about the consequences. That if he was done, they should simply end it completely. He cried out that this path wasn't what he wanted, but she no longer believed him.

They didn't talk for a month until they ran into each other one day. For the next few weeks, they had long conversations about themselves and the relationship they left unfinished. She pretended she had moved on and he did the same. He met a woman, a common friend. They were good together, and the common friend was kind to her continuing heart ache. The love was still so clear, so obvious on both sides.

The next summer, they met for lunch one day and to see a movie. Instead, they talked for hours. Neither had found happiness elsewhere. He still loved and wanted her. She would have given him everything. Yet they weren't the same people anymore. The sudden loss of love and joy had warped them both. And so, they remained only friends.

Until he grew distant once more, and broke her heart completely when he permanently walked out of her life. It shattered the last of her hope, the last of her dreams. She no longer wanted to be in love, for what she knew and clung to no longer existed. She couldn't try again, only to be hurt. So she wrapped herself up in her pain and hid from the world.

For years, her lovers never knew her. She had built too many walls, constructed too many masks. She spent too many years in doomed relationships, stumbling from one to the next. Terrible relationships that nearly destroyed her in different ways. Not caring about the path she walked. That was until she finally got over him. She realized that his withdraw wasn't her fault. She was only hurting herself by denying another chance at honest and real love. It took another year for her to resemble the person she used to be.

Suddenly she looked around at her life. She had great friends, a loyal boyfriend, a not-so-right Dom that needed to be dealt with, and there was this new man. One who caught her interest from the first day. She faced a crossroad. Would she retreat yet again, or would she chance getting hurt by seeing where these feelings would lead? Could she be honest and keep no secrets?

Even though she told herself that she shouldn't, the man overshadowed the relationships in her life. Those honest feelings reemerged. She fought it, struggling against what felt too right. In time she stopped resisting and let things occur as they would. She let herself fall in love and be loved in return. Once more, she knew happiness and joy.

This is a story without a true ending

because we're in the middle of it.

The continuation is every entry of this blog.

Upon Reflection

A few months ago, Sir gave me a journal of His to read. It was from a few years ago. Over the weekend we spent together, He let me read a little bit more. I cried reading His words. The fear and frustration broke my heart. I curled up close with Him, saying that I'm not going anywhere.

I'm prepared to stay. I know the sources of conflict that may arise at some point. I see those differences and think, "We can find a way to make this work." It's not just a fanciful thought either. I trust that we can find compromises and middle ground. We've done so rather well up until this point.

There was another smaller piece of writing that He let me read. It's a variation of Psalm 23, in a D/s context. It touched me deeply. I'd love it if He'd allow me to share it here with you. If He ever stops being overworked and busy, I'll ask Him about it. That's why I haven't mentioned the guest post either. Life has been very hectic and I understand.

He often keeps His emotions tightly wrapped up but I'm learning the signs. Like yesterday when He said, "Good morning, lovely."   I couldn't suppress a grin and a fluttering in my stomach. I appreciate the little signs of affection. He often kisses my forehead which leaves me feeling cherished and protected.

I value the trust and vulnerability it takes to share His past with me. Especially in the confines of a private journal, I understand how much more exposed those thoughts often are.

He was wrapped up in furthering His career when we met. Well, He still is but it's not a bad thing. He wasn't looking for love, romance, definitely not a sub when He strolled into that room back in July. He barely knew if He wanted to come back to TTWD.

Not us

It's taken a while to realize what this is, what all it means. It was a couple of years since He was last romantically involved with anyone. I don't want to share too much, as this is His life. I only say that to illustrate His perspective. I came into His life and threw a curve ball. I can imagine it was unsettling to start back up in the BDSM community, trying to navigate those waters, and figuring out why this woman (who was far too open with Him from the moment we met) felt like meeting an old friend.

Not to mention the physical chemistry between us. All of that physical chemistry that sat just under the surface for several months...

That might give a better idea of how things have progressed with Him. Because at some point, He decided that this was genuine and something worth pursuing. I can tell you the night when I noticed the change, back in January. Since that time, we've been growing closer. There are still some walls between us and if we continue down this path, eventually they'll have to come down.

Upon reflection, I realize how far we've come. Both of us have been happier. We've been furthering the connection between us. What we share is worth treasuring and fighting for. It's worth the compromises. It's always been worth it, no matter where this journey takes us.

Quieting The Voices

Sir and I had a very long conversation yesterday. I won't say I'm "better" because I'm not. I likely won't be for quite some time. Though brief, it was a dark and deep depressive episode. One that would be very easy to spiral back down into.

He talked me through tears and anger and walls and pain.

We don't know exactly what triggered it as there are a number of possibilities. Heck, it could have been the combination.

There was a lot of hope and light amid our conversation. There had to be in order for my mind to not be so heavily weighed down today.

Did y'all know He fell for me? It must seem so obvious. He says that He's told me this before. I'm sure He has but that doesn't mean my mind will ever remember it.

I do remember the day He was over for dinner. It was in September. We were talking about "us", as is usually the case. I remember He told me that He could walk away and it might hurt a little at first, but He'd quickly get over it. That's the kind of screwed up shit my mind remembers. But His response to my bringing that up was very sweet.

Yeah, I said that once. Doesn't mean it's still true. Nor is your submissive aspect the only good thing about you. You are the best part of you. Not what you can do or what you can be, but you.

Heh, I don't see it, at all. It's the submissive little kitten people like. Not the broken, twisted thing that hides behind it.

[JAS], I didn't fall for the kitten. I fell for the woman. The first time I saw you, I saw it all and decided that all of you was worth knowing and cherishing.

He said this other thing that made me smile when I thought of it as I was falling to sleep last night...

You are valuable, loved, and cared for. No matter what the demons and voices of doubt say. 

If you say so, heh.

I do. I have. And I will.

And one last snippet of our conversation:

Does this mean you won't leave just because I'm screwed up, and may always be on some level? 

I don't ever plan to leave.

Do you mean that the way I do?

How do you mean it?

I knew you were going to ask that...I was asking if you were saying that as my friend or my lover.

I will always say it as a friend, and for the foreseeable future I say it as a lover.

The voices of doubt didn't quite know how to react to that, heh. It's hard to cling onto such things when He's basically saying He wants to stay by my side and that He cherishes me. One could even almost possibly infer that He loves me.

I wouldn't infer such things, LOL...but the evidence is there for someone to do such.

Sir stayed with me when I was (am?) at one of the darkest places I've been in years. It's not the first time He's seen the depression. I have to keep reminding myself that He's never left. That He doesn't want to leave me to deal with it alone. Instead He pulls me closer and tries to make it okay.

I'm not used to that. After at least 15 years of depression, no one has reacted the way He has. No one seems to understand what I need to get through it like He does. No, it's not constant and He says I'm making progress. For the first time, I don't feel like this incomprehensible person, who makes people run for the hills the moment the clinical depression makes an appearance.

Yes, I am a broken human being. And yet, He wants me anyway. There's something to be said for that.

Losing my submission?

I have a problem. I walled myself in damn good this time. My inner submissive is buried deep and is glaring at the most recent attempts at being released.

I was out with friends last night. One guy is someone I've been friends with for nearly two years now. A great friend who is really fun to banter around with. He was trying to help the inner sub out, and we got nothing. Normally, I melt whenever someone grabs the back of my hair. There was literally no response. It was frustrating and heart breaking.

I sent off a text or two to Sir about it. Because He should know that I'm struggling and that I'm really off right now.

Honestly, this feels like when I first started this journey. Submitting to my first Dom was downright difficult and I fought back a lot. Submission was a struggle. As much as I craved it, I mentally resisted. To the point where it didn't always make an appearance.

Funny that Sir used the word "assertive" because that side is in full force. Reminds me of the old days, before I embraced the submission and what that meant for me. There was never a doubt that I was going to get exactly what I wanted. I led projects, events, groups, etc and things were done my way.

The deeper I delved into submission, the less of that assertive person I was. It didn't matter as much to me to always do or have things be my way. I became more focused on others. Making them happy and enhancing their lives. Giving people the gentle push to step up to be more.

The past few days? The sweet, gentle submissive has been missing. I miss that part of myself. I'm much more comfortable with that part of me. Seeing how assertive I am without that submissive balance, I'm not as much of a fan as I used to be. What I remembered and the reality are very different. The submissive is far more compassionate.

Doesn't help that the assertive personality and the sadistic nature go together smashingly. That's not really who I am, not anymore.

So I'm off to find and dismantle the walls that I put up. Or figure out why the submissive side would suddenly up and hide deep within me. Because there's no way I'm going to continue on like this for any length of time.

Nagging Doubts

The ex I mentioned from yesterday's post is the reason why I struggle with maintaining hope. That guy did quite a number on me.

Sir knows a bit about that relationship. I think He sees it as a very bad decision I made and what a mess it was. I can't agree nor disagree with that. It was what it was, though I know it wasn't my smartest decision.
I was pretty well crushed when it ended. Some of the internal chains are from that relationship, and the strict control of another that picked up soon after it.

I had to have a lot of hope. Remain positive and believe that things would be better, easier, less complicated.

There had to be a lot of trust, too. I exposed myself mentally and emotionally in ways I had never done before...nor since. The ex-Dom I was with when this blog started asked for those levels of openness and I couldn't give it to him. I was too broken and shattered to find the pieces, let alone hand them over.

With Sir, it's been a lot of baby steps. I know He's always seen the wounds, been trying to help me heal them.

I really didn't want hope back. I didn't want to place myself out there again to be vulnerable. Apparently I just can't help myself. I must be that much of a masochist.

I look at what Sir and I have, and some part of me believes it can only end one way: with a whole lot of pain and heartache. I've tried from the beginning to not be so jaded. I know it's a chance every relationship takes. But it's the part of me that's still picking up the pieces of my heart, waiting for all that work and healing to come undone again.

He's given me no reason to think this. Very much the opposite and there's proof throughout this blog. I know He doesn't want to make promises He can't keep, something I've always appreciated. I want to make it clear that I in no way blame Him for any of this, nor hold Him accountable for not fixing it.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Only that I have thoughts in my mind, fears and doubts. All internal. I'm trying to work on them and keep them out of this blog, as well as our relationship. But I realized, I don't trust Sir to stay in my life.

If there's a way to fix that, I don't know it. I trust Him with a lot, so much in fact. Just not to stay. Which I know leads to insecurities and jealousy...I know this and I don't like it. I'm doing what I can to keep it away from affecting and hurting our relationship.

There's so much that's good and amazing between us. We've barely even begun and it has the possibility to be even more incredible.

But that little voice is there, nagging at the back of my mind. More so, as of late. I don't expect anyone to do anything about it. It's my burden to bear. I couldn't keep it inside and to myself anymore though.

Slipping & Crawling Back Up

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a very long couple of days. Had friends over for super bowl. Then an emergency had me leaving quickly to best friend and her son. They're both okay now. Little man is on medicine--that of course he doesn't want to take. It was a stressful last few days though.

Speaking of stress, I was thinking too much in the shower yesterday evening. There's something good in there, I know it. But upon expressing it to Sir, nothing worked right. I started feeling myself retreat so I went purposefully numb. The depression was trying to kick my ass, and almost did.

See, when the depression makes a full on attack like that, everything gets twisted. Even things that should be good things, my brain says: "He only cares "this" much, and you care "that" much...and it'll never work. You'll be hurt. You'll never be happy."

Pretty fucked up I know. I don't blame Him; I never would. Honesty is appreciated and He gives me that. It's not His fault my mind can twist just about anything...

But. Yes, there is a "but" to all of this.

We kept talking. Once I explained that it was on me, not an outward projection...He thought I was thinking He was just going to up and leave me. No, it's not like that. It all focuses inward.

That all started around 6:30. By 11, I was doing okay. The moment I called Him "Sir" it was like the pieces fell back into their proper places. It felt so right. He agreed, which helped even more.

Today I'm still a little jumpy, emotionally. But I am okay. This is not the norm for me. He says I'm in the early stages of healing. I think I have to agree after how I managed last night. A large part is in thanks to Sir. He was fantastic and supportive...unlike so many people from my past.

Intentionally or not, they were helping to feed the depression. Because when I get dismissed or being told I'm acting unreasonable/irrational, it confirms all of the negative thoughts. Skews me further down that dark path. So I in turn make worse decisions, even as I try to make things okay between myself and the other person.

I am so thankful to have Sir. How He treats me gives me hope. Though I sometimes begrudge Him for giving me hope, I'm actually quite grateful for it.

What's Important

Sir has agreed to do a guest post...at my not so subtle request. He's so sweet. :-)  So keep an eye out for that in the near future!

Last night was rough on us. I was in a bad place all day which culminated into something ugly by the nighttime. To His credit, He didn't leave me alone to handle it myself. Quite the opposite in fact. I know it couldn't have been easy for Him, especially not being in person.

For us, sex and kink are easy. Seamless. Granted there's a lot of unexplored territory there. However, the power exchange and all this could possibly be will be a cakewalk. His comment sums nicely what we are about:

"That's why I push off sex and kink.

Because they're easy. And they don't take work.

Focusing on what takes work is important, everything else can happen later.

It's why I want you as a person.

Not as someone to fuck or beat

but as a person, a friend."

If anyone is more aware of the damage and its effect, that would be Him. Saw it the day we met and yet continued down this path anyway. I have to admire that, though He'd claim that it's just who He is and what He does.

I'm terrified that the more He sees, the less He'll want me until the day He leaves all together. It's what everyone else has done, or they've ignored it. Abandonment and rejection. Yeah, this kitty has some deep scars, battle wounds from life and love.

Yet I always forget what I just mentioned above: He saw it as soon as we met.

The walls I use to hide myself away have been nothing more than sheer curtains He can brush aside with ease at any time. I even mentioned this in my second post. Nothing He's seen has been a surprise. Instead of pushing me away, He's wanted to pull me close and comfort me.

In a moment of clarity late last night as I was already laying in bed, I wrote Him a letter to His email...okay that's not the whole story. After we said our good nights, I was feeling very lost and concerned. So I looked up and talked to God. Something along the lines of: "I'm supposed to be talking to you again. I could use a little help right now."

Honestly, I was able to be more clearheaded and stable shortly after that. I also didn't want to go to sleep with all that friction between us so I poured my heart out onto the page. I wanted Him to know just how much I appreciate and love Him. Because for all the damaged pieces lined with unhealed scars, I love Him with all my heart.

For Him, and our future, I will walk the path He sets us on. Crawl on hands and knees if need be. No, I'm not talking kink and BDSM. Like I said, those are easy. He wants to help me. He wants to take control and lead. Be the safe place to help me heal and grow.

Okay, I'm splitting hairs by not calling it kink. Because it does sound like a power exchange relationship, does it not? It's the out of the bedroom stuff. The whole package, which is what I always wanted. He wants all of me; the person, not just the fetish. I have to trust and allow Him to do what He needs to do.

Wish me luck on letting go of the last few pieces I hold on tight to!!

Good Girl

"Good girl" is a phrase I'm assuming we're all familiar with. I want to unravel the significance and personal importance those words have. Please indulge my attempts to sort through the thoughts my mind is circling around.

In the context of BDSM, "good girl" has no inherent correlation to "Littles." The leap to that conclusion is an obvious one, even if it is a false assumption. For those unfamiliar with Daddy/Mommy and little relationships, I found this article to be a good emotional and honest explanation.

The usage of "girl" has no significance to one's age, in any regard. Instead it is an idea that fans the flame of Dominance and submission. One that exposes the submissive behavior under a bright spot light while simultaneously praising it.

For some, "good girl" brings on a rush on endorphins and an emotional high. The surge that courses through a sub's mind and body, like water cleansing and renewing.

It is an acknowledging of a task completed, but furthermore, one which has been performed well. It is earned, often with great struggle. When one pushes past the social conditioning and internal debates to give oneself over to the will of another, in those moments one earns that "good girl" praise from the lips of the Dom.

"Good girl" helps cement the D/s relationship. It builds trust and appreciation. Subs flounder when uncertain, confused, unsure, lost, etc. Their job is to be pleasing, submit, serve. When doubts creep in, and there is no confirmation that they are just as the Dom wishes them to be, "good girl" can be one of many forms to bridge that gap.

For those Doms that can find the balance between over-abundance and sparsity, they will find themselves happier as well. For when their subs are confident and content in submission, life is better for all involved.

As for where I stand with the phrase "good girl", it tightens the chains of Dominance. It liberates my submission. Sir often marvels at how deep I travel down into subspace. Yet even though He's convinced a slave is hiding just beneath my surface, I still struggle from time to time.

The phrase is like many triggers I have to snap my head space into compliant submission. I would argue it's one of the most powerful, at least for me. For though it helps bring me back to where I'm needed, it is a balm to doubts and hesitation. It is warmth to the cold depths of fear.

When I'm told I'm a "good girl" the burden is removed. I can relax and be at peace. If there is freedom in submission, "good girl" is one key that opens the lock to where I hide away.

Depths of submission

I think I may finally be getting better. *crossing fingers*  I am up and about again. Hoping to get out tomorrow to socialize with people.

Plus, I want to see Sir. I miss Him, even though we talk daily. I need Him.

It's an idea He's still coming to terms with. It's a huge responsibility to be so needed by another person. He takes it on willingly. Even last night, He mentioned that "owning" another person is something He can't fully wrap His mind around.

I am well-loved in our community. The resident "kitten". I know I've detailed some of my interactions with others. I said to Sir last night that while the community sees me as "theirs" in some ways...I am in all reality His.

He's pushed people away for the last few years. Locked Himself up. I think so He couldn't be hurt again.

Like how He saw past all my walls, I saw past His. I see what an incredible and complex man He is. He is very much wanted. Needed. Loved. We slid into each other's lives with such ease. It's as if we belonged there.

Heh, so it seems He and I are due for another conversation.

Before we take any more steps forward, I need Him to be prepared for who and what I am. Sir has seen glimpses of my submissive nature. We have had some discussions on the matter.

He needs a working understanding of me. A more complete guide.

I have spent the last 6 years unearthing the submissive aspects of me. To the point where I can not go back to who I was. I've tried, been trying. There is no shutting it off. There is not keeping it in the bedroom, or only to be called upon when wanted.

That's like trying to control any other part of my personality. Yes, I'm astute enough to realize when it's inappropriate. I manage just fine in various social situations with the rest of my personality.

But I am not a bedroom sub. And while Sir intellectually understands that, I think there are pieces missing. It's my job to make sure He understands me and what I need. So, next week we'll talk. We're seeing when our schedules coincide.

I know it'll be a slow progression. With circumstances being what they are, He can't take the level of control that either of us want. I honestly don't think "we" as a couple are ready for that either. However, there are steps we can take. Measures of control we can approach...maybe something we need to do.

I don't know. Maybe it'll make more sense after our conversation.

Being Open, Without Walls

We've been topic jumping today. From movies to dreams to some deep, personal matters.

I wasn't very coherent earlier as I'm still not feeling my best. He was talking the Matrix movies and while I adore them, loving to discuss the finer details...truly, they watch like very good literature. Best watched like reading one long book. Seeing how the Matrix Reloaded is in fact the "meat" and "transition" of the story lines.

That's neither here nor there. It's a topic for Him and I to discuss at a later point.

It was the deeper issues that I want to talk about today. I've been keeping something back from Him. Dark and miserable things. I do not wish to burden Him with these things, nor do I wish to scare Him away.

But, He said something that is giving me pause and reconsideration:

"It's your life and has a direct impact on you and how you act and thus on me and us."

I fear losing Him, but He's right. He can't fulfill His role if I keep myself hidden. It also seems there are a few things I can yet keep from Him. I wasn't sure, until today.

He has a false perception on a part of my life because I don't share the bad. At least not to the extent in which it exists.

I have to trust Him with this and that He will stay. It's not easy on Him, I know. It will be His burden to share as well, and yet He asks without hesitation to be kept aware.

I do not know why He believes me worth the effort. He could have someone who's not as damaged, not as complicated. Yet, I accept that He knows what He's doing. This is a man who carefully thinks out His actions. He does not rush nor take unnecessary risks.

If I am His, and I am, then it is with full knowledge and purpose.

I will be more open and direct. For His and our sake, I will dismantle more walls so He can see clearly.

I imagine one day I will be laid bare completely before Him. All that I am, available for access and exploration. He may not ever understand it all. That is mission enough for a lifetime and more. But I believe one day He'll be able to explore freely, at His pace and upon His whims.

More Changes

There's really not much to say.

This isn't three steps back.

This is back to square one.

Frankly I have no idea what He wants and is going to do...because He has no clue.

I'm still buried deep within my own mind.

I'm sure there's a breakdown and outright horrible reaction waiting for when I do emerge.

He told me yesterday when I saw Him that the time frame on things is moved.

After our conversation last night, I'm not convinced there will ever be anything more than a friendship.

Some part of me knew it was too good to be true. It's why I set the expectation bar low. But the man gave me hope. That bloody dangerous and destructive thing.

I shouldn't be this angry, sad, hurt, disappointed. I do understand from His perspective.

It's just...these are the same things that have been around all along.

I hate when people tell me they're going to do something and then don't. There's always a reason of course.

I'm dysfunctional as fuck but at the end of the day I say "suck it buttercup" and I do what I said I was going to do.

The problem is what exists now? Then let's stir the pot and see what happens. *grins evilly*

The Power of Words

Language is far more powerful than I think we give it credit for.

American English (in everyday speech) also misuses words to such an extent that communication is bound to be stifled.

Words are windows into the mind. While I may ramble and rant, my words are mostly chosen with precision. How I lay out a post is intentional.

Sometimes I am less formal and more free writing. Others, each word is very specific and laden with meaning.

My previous post was spur of the moment. It was messy.

It's still accurate. I would not change any word in it. Because I was speaking from an emotional standpoint, whereas I normally filter it through with reasoning and a rational perspective.

Or I attempt to, at least. I'll admit my reasoning can be skewed at times.

Under that post, He posted a comment. It was sweet and well-meaning.

There's also the word "obsessive."

He regretted it as soon as He got my reaction. He wanted to replace the comment without that word because He saw how much it hurt me.

The word is there, whether y'all see it or not.

We talked about it last night. It was a poor word choice.

And I'm crying again. Damn it...

He called Himself a "ponce." And an "insensitive dolt."

It had been a rough night on me already. People not taking a situation seriously, including Him. It really got under my skin and I had to be a hard-ass.

It's just a word. One He doesn't even view negatively. I do though. I'm trying to not let it get to me, truly. But obviously it's wormed its way into my mind.

This post and all its words are important. I do not blame Him. I would never blame Him for something like that.

The reason it hurts is because it's not entirely untrue. I want to believe my feelings for Him are in a healthy context. But the word "obsessive" comes with a lot of negative emotional baggage.

Right now, I'm trying to stop it from fracturing the trust and connection between us. A misplaced word shouldn't have that power but the implications struck my heart, hard. Hopefully the rest of His well chosen words can mend that ache.

Drunken Messages

I sent Him drunken texts last night. Upon waking up this morning, I was so embarrassed.

Thankfully He thought I was cute. :)

He also told me I'm incorrigible.

Why?

Because I told Him I wanted drunk snuggles. That for me means a night of snuggling, sober sex in the morning, and then more snuggles.

At least I didn't start singing. Typically I need hard liquor for that, but it's been so long since I was last drunk, I wouldn't have been surprised. And of course the more drunk I become, the louder and worse the singing gets.

There's a fine line in there. Where I'm comfortable enough to sing and yet still sound decent.

Hmm, He owes me a funny story. I'm rereading our conversation from last night, just for your reference.

Mmmm, I get lots of smiles from Him next time too. He told me I could have them. Because He's gorgeous when He smiles. He's good looking all the time. But when He smiles?? He's heart stopping.

Good lord, am I still drunk?? LOL

This is frankly just exhaustion talking though. That also lowers the walls and makes me want to tell y'all all about that man. Why I love every part of Him. Why He fits so well into all the parts of my life.

I'll be nice though. More for His sake than all of yours. He's a private man. Not even a fan of public affection. Kind of surprised He puts up with this blog actually. Probably because He doesn't feel like He can legitimately tell me to not blog about Him.

Would it be unwise to tell Him I would stop talking about Him, if He wanted me to?? Because I would if this made Him unhappy...yeah, I'm not in love or anything, lol. I know He would never stop my creativity like that...but I worry about things like that.

In summary? According to Him, I am cute/funny when drunk. Something to test out in person at some point.

Seeing the whole picture

He and I need to talk. Seriously.

I thought I misread Him badly. He's missing a ton of stuff. Which either I haven't said or He just outright missed it.

He also sends out mixed signals, something He is fortunately aware of. Now He needs to bloody well find a solution.

Though, hmmm...upon further evaluation that actually might make sense. And with revelations that I don't believe He's aware of, a more middle ground might be found.

If nothing else, it should lead to a better comprehension on both our parts.

Please indulge my use of variables...

I believe He sees me as a culmination of parts which we will refer to as "x." This variable "x" takes into account quite a few aspects, mainly more recent occurrences in my life and who I am.

The variable of "z" will represent the "me" that I am presenting at a given time.

Now in actuality, I am more like an equation.

For example:

3x + 4y = z

Now the coefficients represent the intensity levels of such personality and experiential traits, reflecting a specific situation. As such an equation suggests that He is missing all of "y" and therefore can not reach the conclusion of "z." Hence why we often have so much that becomes lost in translation.

One way to naturally gather more clues to this equation that is me is to view more equations that represent different variations, depending on said circumstances. Such as:

5x + y = 3z

The variables remain the same, but the quantities of such variables differ and in turn affects the solution.
The equation can become more complex in that sometimes the solution can in turn affect the variables within:

x + 6y = z + 3

Or it can go so far as:

2x + y + 5g - 2h = 2z + t/h -3

And that is still a gross over simplification of who I am and what part of me I'm presenting at any given time. In the equation above, we get a much clearer understanding of how the right side of the equation can affect the left hand side. The left being internal, the right being external. There are more outside influences affecting the overall view.

Assuming He's only aware of "x" it's easy to see how the wrong conclusions are being made about each other.

This is why He and I need to talk. Fill in a few more of those variables, so He can see the bigger picture with more clarity.

I also apologize for using Maths for the examples. It was useful for how I wanted to explain how all the pieces relate to one another. If you didn't follow any of the above, I apologize. Don't think about it too hard.

I'm simply trying to suggest that people are far more complex beings than we give ourselves credit for. Given the complexities and depths of TTWD, viewing and understanding all such variables that can affect a person at any given time allow for greater comprehension. It also allows the outside person to react appropriately.

So yes, we'll talk. Probably I'll do a lot of the talking. Give Him clarity to what He's seeing behind the walls, and maybe open a few doors He hasn't yet ventured into.