Monday, September 12, 2016

The Truth of the Matter is...

The truth is...

I know he's hurting too. When we were drifting apart as friends, he missed me terribly. I can only imagine what this is doing to him. I honestly don't want that.

And maybe he's still reading here, wanting some way to know what's going on.

Or maybe I hope he is. I don't know. Maybe just for this.

I do know it wasn't a coincidence about his gf unblocking me on fb when I made mention of it here. So he was reading at some point. But I wouldn't blame him if he never came back after the last post.

The truth is...

I've been noticing patterns of behavior and looking back I can see them more clearly now.

I mentioned stumbling upon something and talking to my therapist about it. We've all been talking about it. It's there, spoken and unspoken. As I tell him things, even I'm seeing the clues.

And how furious I was about not getting to see my psychiatrist. They did put me on their wait list and I see him on the 24th.

The truth is...

We've been talking about borderline personality disorder.

How it overlaps with ptsd, depression, anxiety, trauma.

Borderline isn't treated effectively with medications and meds can actually make it worse. Yeah, I read that and had to walk away from my computer for a while.

The hot and cold in relationships. Obsession quickly turning to disdain.

I can make a strong case for all of it.

I've never really had a good explanation and answer for everything. Not even depression and ptsd. I don't know if this is the answer, but if it is, like the ptsd this is because of past trauma and abuse. Well that just sucks doesn't it. And there's no cure, just help. How I hate that word. Help.

So that's the truth. If you don't know what borderline personality disorder is I ask that you look it up. The professional sites explain it better than I ever could.

I get to being this up to my psychiatrist and see what he has to say. My therapist and I will keep doing what we've been doing, knowing it's there. And maybe one day I'll be able to say for certain if I was correct. Maybe it'll always be uncertain because of the complex ptsd. But it opened doors and lines of communication. If nothing else, there's that.

And the truth is I do miss Steve. I miss my friend. But with some things there is no going back. This entire blog is proof of that. We have been a walking up and down disaster from the very beginning. I've been hurt too many times and some wounds are simply unforgivable. I wish they were. I tried for months; I really did.

But I'm really bad at getting hurt. Especially repeatedly by the same person. Everything hurts deeper and stronger for me. It's more difficult to let go. And I think I'd be making a mistake to ever let him back into my life. As much as I love him, as much as I miss him, I've learned by now that he will be a source of pain for me and I can't live with that.

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