Fuck this shit

I wish I could say it's been easy. Walking away from someone I thought was one of my best friends. Cutting off all ties. We used to have arguments about friendships having expiration dates. That once people see enough of me, the friendship either ends or fizzles.

It's why I no longer have a real social life these days. No parties or dinners or social gatherings to talk about. I've written about how they chose an abusive person over me. But they saw just how bad my "bad" really is and after that nothing was ever the same. It never is.

The more I've thought about it, the more I'm convinced that he subconsciously was destroying what was left of our friendship. In his mind, he didn't understand why I was still around. That he didn't deserve my forgiveness or friendship. Fucking selfish.

Or maybe, just maybe, I was right. And the expiration date came up but we'd been avoiding it. Trying to hold onto frayed threads until those came apart and I realized there was nothing there for me. Only pain and heartache.

But that doesn't mean it's easy. Having to reconcile the terrible parts with the man I once loved. And probably still do. Probably always will.

There are times when I get so angry still that I can't think straight. And the silence is deafening. I want to scream at him with all my rage and fury, but I have no words. Then the sadness creeps in. He may tell himself all the lies he wants in order to make his conscious clear, but I was never a priority as a relationship or a friend. I didn't fit into his world and he never made a place for me in it. So much for being his best friend...

I find myself wishing I had never met him. Because I deserved better. I put in more effort constantly and I'm tired of that. I'm tired of being put on the back burner to other people and things, or outright not mattering.

I've been here before. Done this. Except he walked out on me and our friendship after the relationship ended. Nearly two years later. Back then, I remember thinking that I'd rather be alone and have no one than ever go through that again.

So fuck Steve. Fuck his false promises. Fuck his friendship. Fuck that he can still make me cry. Just fuck him and his pretend sensitivity.

I know I don't mean shit to him. What I want doesn't matter. How I feel is meaningless. So he can go right to his fucking hell he believes in so much.