Adjusting

 I know I've been opening up more here about things. Broken and friendship left behind. But I haven't talked to my therapist as much about it. Not much since I lost most of my friends and not much about walking away from Steve, other than that I did.

My therapist mentioned last session that he knows I'm more upset than I'm letting on. Of course I am, but talking with him makes it...more real. Final. I'm not ready for that yet. Talking about it here is helping me get to that point.

Someone I loved for two years, who then nearly destroyed me, and then we tried to piece together back a friendship...there's a lot there. Looking at that, I have no idea why we even attempted to stay friends. Why we tried so hard. Why I tried so hard. I guess it's because I was still blinded by love. I wish I could say I don't love him anymore, but I do. I'm just no longer blinded by it.

Every day away, I have a clearer mind about things. Most of the time. September. I hate this month. I already have shit going on in my head I have to battle with and now I have this on top of it.

So I've been distracting myself with cleaning and cooking. Wearing myself out, even though I'm barely sleeping. Fricking abilify. And I found out that I'll be experiencing withdrawal symptoms from that up until October 20th. All it takes is two weeks in a person's system and it has its claws in.

I see my psychiatrist on the 29th so next week. I'm going to tell him no more new meds, especially since I'm in withdrawal for the next month. I'm putting my foot down. No more.

I'm adjusting to everything. Life, other meds, situations, getting through each day. I don't have the physical or emotional energy to try another medication.