On The Edge...Of Crazy

I have written half a dozen posts that are sitting in drafts. None will ever see the light of day. Lots of likely incoherent ramblings that may only make sense to me.

Oh I was so ticked off at Sir on Saturday. It really shows. I'd like to think that I sweetened and loosened up as the day went on. Maybe. I was feeling very unheard. I'm used to people making wrong assumptions about me. Typically, I give people a bit of room because I am complex. Heck, I'm still in the process of understanding how all the pieces fit together; I don't expect anyone else to have all the answers. But when people try to tell me that they know me better than I do? That's when I get upset, apparently five days worth of angry.

Last night, while Sir and I were texting, the anger finally dissipated. I decided it wasn't worth holding on to the anger, especially when He's so damn sweet. Also, something He wrote in the beginning of the year comes to mind. I can't remember if I ever asked if it was about me or not, but it's applicable to this situation. It was about one day understanding someone and hoping it was a long time off, as the discovery is so enjoyable.

I realized there's a lot about me for Sir to learn yet. All the pieces haven't been uncovered nor has He put them all together. And there's some fun to that to maybe catch Him off guard. After all, He's not seen much of my vanilla world. That side might still surprise Him.

That's really where all of this has been going. Who I am in the vanilla world is incredibly different. Furthermore, part of my personality that was shaped over the years is strictly vanilla. So much so, there was a huge internal struggle for years once I started to give submission a voice. There's an uneasy understanding, but my vanilla side and the submissive have completely different life experiences and influences. The vanilla doesn't exactly condone the kinky behavior, thinking it to be an unnecessary risk and vulnerability.

That's what showed up when Sir tried to say that I have dominant traits. The vanilla personality said "No" loud and clear. Not everything about me is kinky. It may all be me, part of the whole, but the sub and the vanilla react completely differently to the same moments. The only thing they typically agree on is the incomprehension of dominance in terms of sexuality and kink.

The vanilla is a control freak and OCD but in terms of "I will not delegate or work well with others. They're incompetent and I'd have to do it all again anyway. I have enough on my plate. Why would I ever want to manage someone else?"  Everything has a place and that's where everything belongs. I will make decisions for me, because again people are incompetent.

The sub hates having control, even of myself. Things shouldn't be defined; it's an unnecessary complication. I don't want to be the one making most of the decisions. I trust my Dom/significant other to lead us properly and effectively. Things don't have to be perfect as long as they work.

Those are both core parts of my personality. And they sound conflicting because they are. Now, for most people various selves are blended and integrated enough that it's hard to see the differences. These are the extreme ends of my personality to which everything else falls in between. This is what I've been struggling to explain because it does sound crazy. I will legitimately agree with everyone on that. But it is what it is and the therapist says it makes sense to him. So I can't be that crazy...one would hope! Lol

Basically, it's alright if Sir doesn't understand all of this. Or if He never sees all the complexity that is the whole of me. He loves me. I love Him. And He tries, oh He sure as hell tries. We're different creatures. He's everything that He is and I'm all that I am. So sometimes we try to connect and our various pieces can't speak the same language. Hell, I barely speak the same language within myself. It's no real surprise that Sir can't understand me. And why I can't understand Him. It can take me years to agree on a simple idea, like say whether the submissive cravings I've always had are good for me. That side didn't always have a voice; used to be a jumble of emotions and fantasies.

Maybe one of these days (or more likely years), a personality subset will emerge who can communicate effectively with Sir. God I hope so, for the both of us to stay sane.

Toeing A Different Kind Of Line

I'm currently standing in line, waiting to get into the renn faire. Sir is in another line, as I bought a return ticket when I was here with.friends a few weeks ago. There's threat of rain. I'm crossing my fingers that it holds off for most of the day.

I woke up in a terrible mood. I have few buttons that can be pushed that will royally piss me off. Last night, one was pushed. Then repeatedly poked and prodded. I did what I could to defuse it. Exaggerate the frustration to make it seem like not a big deal. Then I reached a point of silence and stillness. That's when people should be worried. Because I was holding on by a bare thread.

One person noticed, Kevin. It was a birthday party at their place. As I was leaving he asked me if I was okay. No, not entirely. But I held it together. Rebecca had a great birthday and that's all that matters.

If not for already made plans, I would have hid away for a few days, far away from people. My threshold of patience is nil. I don't really like it either. Sir knows I'm in a pissy mood and is trying to diffuse it.

Problem is, He started pushing that button last night. Maybe when I'm less angry, I can explain it all better. For now, I'll try to enjoy the day.

So I'm a bitch, am I?

Oh man, apparently I am full of aggressive attitude at the moment. Where did the sweet sub girl go?

For the record, we're fine. We talked some of it out. We'll talk the rest out hopefully some time this week. Somehow we always manage to figure things out, so neither of us is all that worried.

No, someone I know on Fetlife messaged an ex of mine, telling him to "control the bitch".

Well, Hi. You called for a bitch and damn well got one. I showed Lisa everything earlier and she just about died laughing. I've been in a mood lately. I almost said "Good boy" to a friend on Sunday. To which Sir remarked, "And you're sure you're not at all Dominant?" while chuckling.

No, I'm really not. But I can be snarky as heck, especially since it was a dominant guy that I was referring to with my "good boy" comment. I know full well the terminology and it can be amusing to engage dominants at their own game.

I guess that makes me a terrible submissive. Sir will just have to love me anyway. ;-)

Speaking of Lisa and Sir actually, we're getting together along with Lisa's hubby on Saturday. Going to the renn faire. Should be lots of fun! :)  Sir hasn't met them yet, which is surprising I know. It should be interesting. Hopefully everyone will like everyone else.

Lisa has been giving me a daily countdown for our little getaway trip. Gotta love that woman and how silly she is at times. Spa time, luxurious jacuzzi in the room, beautiful garden and grounds in the most perfect weather. Dinner that evening at a french restaurant. Dessert and wine delivered to the room. Breakfast delivered to the room the next morning. We really spared no detail for a girly getaway.

My diet will be a bit out the window but one night won't harm anything. I've lost 14 pounds, 5 inches from my hips, another 4 from my thighs, and a couple inches everywhere else. I'm fairly certain I'm gaining muscle mass, which is why the pounds don't seem near as significant as the inches lost. Considering I'm far more concerned about the inches, I can most certainly live with that.

That's about all that's going on. While I'm not in a dominant mindset, I truly am far away from the submissive spectrum. Maybe with all things considered, it's a good thing for the present time. It's not like that side has been needed lately. I don't mean anything bad by that comment. It is what it is. If Sir wants my submissive side out, He knows how to coax that from me.

Frustrated

We're misunderstanding each other...again. Extremely upset that this has become the ongoing story of us.

It makes me want to lock up all my thoughts. Just nod and smile. That's so much easier, right? Then there are no issues.

And anyone who has ever known me would laugh at that. Duct tape isn't a guarantee of silence. Isn't that why we were given tongues, to push duct tape off?

Yeah, I'm in a mood.

I can't say anything else because I don't want to make an already complicated situation worse.

I'm frustrated because He doesn't seem to understand me, at all. Even if He thinks He does, I'm entirely unconvinced of that at this point. Because for the past year, He's accused me of doing things that I'm not doing.

Believe me, if I wanted the things He claims I wanted, I'd have had them a year ago in someone else. But I will not apologize for wanting to have addressed all of this months ago. It should have been done and over with.

He thinks we keep having the same conversations. We're most certainly not, but that would explain why we're not getting anywhere. The same few answers aren't going to solve anything. And telling me we'll deal with it later is not a fucking answer. Yes, we very well may have to deal with it later as well. Doesn't change the fact that it needs to be addressed now. That all of this needed to be addressed months ago.

Ugh, men! Last night, I was so ready to say I'm done. That I was done with this, with everything. I don't want to go to bed crying most nights. I don't deserve that. I'm tired of trying and having that seen as something wrong or bad. I'm tired of trying to make someone else happy, and no matter what I do, it's not right.

This is probably more than I should share but I don't care anymore. This is my space and if He doesn't like it, well that's just too damn bad.

Silence

I wish for quiet
I long for silence
Held in the arms of the cold
Forsaken

When will I see the light they talk about
If it's real at all
I'm bound by the numbing ache of my heart
As I'm wrapped in the shadows

It's in the eyes of those who wander round
Like ghosts living in the shell of the world
Am I alone out here
Are we alone out here
Am I alone

When will I see the light they talk about
If it's real at all
I'm bound by the numbing ache of my heart
As I'm wrapped in the shadows

Screaming out
Can I be heard
In this deafening silence

Shrouded, hidden
No more safe havens
No more noise of the world caving in
There is peace in silence

When will I see the light they talk about
If it's real at all
I'm bound by the numbing ache of my heart
As I'm wrapped in the shadows


Just in case this needs clarification:

This is just a song/poem that I wrote. I'm better at writing sad, haunting works. 

Please don't read anything into it.

Freedom for All

"And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to"

I know it's a bit long for a music video but it's worth every second. Every time I hear this on the radio, I tear up. The video is far more powerful.

It's about more than just LGBT rights as well. I think that's part of why I like this song, even if it's very far from my usual musical interests. "No freedom til we're equal, damn right I support it"

We spend so much time fighting one another about little differences that we don't see that we're tearing our communities, our countries apart. Pick any issue that's religious and/or political. You'll find those willing to lie to control other people. Willing to lie to keep their insecurities at bay. Willing to lie to keep some people lesser than others simply to feel better about themselves.

TTWD? We face the same opposition as those fighting for gay rights. This is considered illegal to many eyes of the law. The same opposition women face to have the ability to make decisions regarding their own bodies. True freedom of religion, as well as keeping government and religions separate.

Governments can throw out the word "terrorist" and have that be a defense for trampling on the rights of its people. We're all too busy fighting over trivial differences to take a step back and look at what we're doing to other human beings.

I may not be a fan of guns. I'd be happy never to see another one in my life. I also support regulated and reasonable gun ownership. Because governments should fear their people, both in words and actions. I believe in equal rights, even to rights that I will never use and have some moral objections over.

It's not the job of the government to be moral police. Look inward first. The wars they wage in the name of freedom. They wouldn't know freedom if it bit them on the ass. Freedom is freedom for all, or no one is free.

"First they came for the Socialists,

and I did not speak out--

Because I was not Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists,

and I did not speak out--

Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,

and I did not speak out--

Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me--

there was no one left to speak for me."

~Martin Niemoller

Politicians wouldn't understand me. Neither would the majority of our judicial representatives. I would be used as an example for the "slippery slope" argument. 

I love women just as freely as I love men. I'm romantically involved with multiple partners. I'm one of those "wicked heathens" who would corrupt the morality of this country, by simply following a different religious path. I practice sadomasochism with my partners--a true sexual deviant.

They would say I'm everything that's wrong with this country. They would see me silenced. They would see me isolated and oppressed, especially by others who are facing their own oppression. Give a target to lash out on for their own frustrations and anger. The government is smart to keep the infighting going, and screwing over every last one of us by keeping us blind.

I'm sure I will get put on some list for writing this. After all, isn't "terrorist" one of their trigger words? But the great thing about the ideas I have, the life I live--I am one of many. Freedom and equality for all is nothing new. 

Equality will be what wins when all is said and done.

What is Darkness?

We have very different definitions of "darkness." He sees it as the beast within that lacks empathy and compassion. The very worst that humanity can be, which exists in all of us. Bleak and morbid, right? Also, kind of hot...but I'll get back to that.

When I talk about "darkness", I mean in the fun BDSM sense. When He ties me up, beats and humiliates me. The yummy, delicious kind of play that we both love. It's the rougher, pain-filled play. It's when all the layers are stripped away, and I'm laid completely bare, then He grins with that delightful evil glint in His eyes. I know I'm in for something intense that will push my endurance...and I'm as excited as I am nervous, in those moments.

I love when He's gentle and sweet. I adore the soft tenderness that is His usual self. His dominance is the healing, boosting kind. I will always want all of that. It's the balance of the light and dark that makes it perfect.

When He humiliates me, I don't carry the shame beyond the moment. Because I know He absolutely adores me and thinks very highly of me. When He hurts me, I know it'll never be out of anger or malicious harm. He can literally take the air I need to breathe away from me, and I feel completely safe.

He brings so much light into my life that I trust Him to bring a bit of darkness as well.

Which leads me to His thoughts of "darkness"...I've seen it once. I was trembling in fear before He even put the blindfold on me. I sensed the change and my flight instincts kicked in. I wasn't actually afraid of Sir, but self-preservation is a difficult reaction to shut down.

I can still remember that fear. I was shaking in His arms, unable put what I was feeling into words. Maybe it's the emotional masochist in me, but that fear is incredibly attractive. I want Him to put the empathy and compassion aside, if only for a few moments to trigger that fear. And then when our fun is done, slowly come back to ourselves. Give Him the sweet smile to let Him know I'm doing okay. Help Him find His way back to me, if necessary.

I would willingly walk into a scene where I know Sir's version of darkness will appear. It's about trust. I know He's a good person. I know He would never intentionally harm me, which is why He's so damn resistant to letting inner monster loose. He's been the light in the dark for me so many times. I would hope in a scene like that, I could be the bright light to keep my Sir there even if He's just beneath the surface.

And in the end, this is something that is simply a want, a desire. If I never see what He considers darkness again, I can live with that. It's not a need. An extremely dark desire that is likely more appealing in thought than in reality. I'm fully aware of that.

Now what I call darkness? Yeah, that's definitely a need. I enjoy the pain and roughness too much. :-D

It's interesting though, the difference in terminology. Even after all this time, we both still think of our own versions of darkness whenever it gets brought up. We'll have to find a better word for my version of it. Until then, maybe this post will help us bridge the communication gap for talking about our individual ideas of what "dark" play is.

Reconnecting With Sir

I didn't mean to step away from blogging. I'm sorry I left y'all hanging. I had every intention to write as I have things to talk about, which I will get to some of it today. The rest might stay tucked away in the shadows of my mind.

I was actually writing on the 24th. Something for far off, something I wanted to keep close. That's when the hammer of reality shattered the glass of illusions. Removed those rose tinted lenses that the inner romantic loves to wear. I was left shaken to the core and I think I've been afraid to write ever since. I was angry, over silly things that really don't matter.

Not only did I take a step back from here, I was rather distant with Sir. I don't think I was cold, just a bit removed. He's been incredibly busy lately and we were pulling apart again. We did catch it early this time and remedied the situation.

Such as yesterday, as He spent the afternoon at my place. We watched the movie "Music and Lyrics." It was adorable and fun. Plus I got to snuggle up with Him. :)

Then things got very interesting. I'm still in a happy, floating, melting place. That man knows how to push all the right buttons. While we didn't have an intense scene, it was so good to reconnect that way. And being pushed against a cabinet while being passionately kissed is always fun. Heh, I tried to touch Him while I was pressed up against the cabinet and He pushed my hands back down. Yep, I know a non-verbal order when I get one. Lol!!

Mine is similar to this but more form fitting around the neck.

Then there's always the 10 orgasms Sir literally forced out of me. Restrained, blindfolded, gagged for the first several orgasms (then I had to count the rest, I really didn't think He was going to stop at 10)....yeah, I was getting them whether I liked it or not!! Hee hee! Oh, and I had on a posture collar too. So I couldn't move my head at all. I was His play thing and all I could do was go along for the ride.

We played more after that...well He played with me and I happily sucked His cock...but it was more about the reconnecting, I think. He was barely sadistic at all. I was floating so far in my happy place that I don't think I would have minded if He had been totally mean and evil.

We settled down after that and watched an episode of Chuck. Maybe in the next year we'll finish season one, lol!! He had other places to be that night so that was all of His time I could get. But it was more than enough. It was very nice to have my Sir around yesterday. Even if being around Him makes my nerves flutter every single time.

Okay so He might not understand this...but I think y'all will. Because we'd been cuddling on the couch and very up close with one another, my shirt especially smelled like Sir. I noticed that as I was taking it off for the night. I wanted to still be connected with Him so I took that shirt to bed with me. All curled up on my pillow so I'd have His scent with me all night. It wasn't as good as having Him actually in bed next to me, but it was good enough.

All in all, it was a very good day. I had missed Him dearly.

Oh, one last thing because I said I'd give more details. Later this month, Lisa and I are going to an overnight small resort type place. Getting pampered at the spa and then staying in a gorgeous room with a fireplace and a king size four poster bed. We've already picked out a French restaurant to go to for dinner that night. There's an indoor heated pool. It's going to be fantastic! My diet is going out the window while we're there, for sure. It'll be worth every calorie! :-D