What is Darkness?

We have very different definitions of "darkness." He sees it as the beast within that lacks empathy and compassion. The very worst that humanity can be, which exists in all of us. Bleak and morbid, right? Also, kind of hot...but I'll get back to that.

When I talk about "darkness", I mean in the fun BDSM sense. When He ties me up, beats and humiliates me. The yummy, delicious kind of play that we both love. It's the rougher, pain-filled play. It's when all the layers are stripped away, and I'm laid completely bare, then He grins with that delightful evil glint in His eyes. I know I'm in for something intense that will push my endurance...and I'm as excited as I am nervous, in those moments.

I love when He's gentle and sweet. I adore the soft tenderness that is His usual self. His dominance is the healing, boosting kind. I will always want all of that. It's the balance of the light and dark that makes it perfect.

When He humiliates me, I don't carry the shame beyond the moment. Because I know He absolutely adores me and thinks very highly of me. When He hurts me, I know it'll never be out of anger or malicious harm. He can literally take the air I need to breathe away from me, and I feel completely safe.

He brings so much light into my life that I trust Him to bring a bit of darkness as well.

Which leads me to His thoughts of "darkness"...I've seen it once. I was trembling in fear before He even put the blindfold on me. I sensed the change and my flight instincts kicked in. I wasn't actually afraid of Sir, but self-preservation is a difficult reaction to shut down.

I can still remember that fear. I was shaking in His arms, unable put what I was feeling into words. Maybe it's the emotional masochist in me, but that fear is incredibly attractive. I want Him to put the empathy and compassion aside, if only for a few moments to trigger that fear. And then when our fun is done, slowly come back to ourselves. Give Him the sweet smile to let Him know I'm doing okay. Help Him find His way back to me, if necessary.

I would willingly walk into a scene where I know Sir's version of darkness will appear. It's about trust. I know He's a good person. I know He would never intentionally harm me, which is why He's so damn resistant to letting inner monster loose. He's been the light in the dark for me so many times. I would hope in a scene like that, I could be the bright light to keep my Sir there even if He's just beneath the surface.

And in the end, this is something that is simply a want, a desire. If I never see what He considers darkness again, I can live with that. It's not a need. An extremely dark desire that is likely more appealing in thought than in reality. I'm fully aware of that.

Now what I call darkness? Yeah, that's definitely a need. I enjoy the pain and roughness too much. :-D

It's interesting though, the difference in terminology. Even after all this time, we both still think of our own versions of darkness whenever it gets brought up. We'll have to find a better word for my version of it. Until then, maybe this post will help us bridge the communication gap for talking about our individual ideas of what "dark" play is.

Trying to understand each other

...and failing miserably.

No, not really lol. It is something we do struggle with and have from day one.

We can never have simple and easy conversations. I always knew Sir was a little different, but last night I got a much better understanding of what that really means. The last year suddenly makes sense. All those little connecting pieces that I saw but didn't understand; now I see what was going on.

I wasn't the only one learning last night either. I was furious because I perceived a situation one way, while He was frustrated because He had a completely different take on what was being said.

Story of this blog.

We're absolutely fine. We should be able to go back to happy fairly easily. Simply because we're both happy with the level at which we are. Actualizing it would be nice, at some point. But I am very happy taking this slowly, making sure this is right.

To give y'all an idea of what was going on, over the last two years I've been coming out of a dark depression. So deep that I was not myself for a few years. The person that people met wasn't really me, and as I've come back out of that shell, it's thrown off some people. Others see the happier, more complete version and have embraced me with open arms.

The ideas that were solidified for my life choices during this time have been taking quite a mental beating for the last year. In that process, I'm trying to take the many subsets of my personality and make them one person again. That Sir interacted with several distinct and separate subsets last night is nothing short of disturbing. There's only me, but I'm fractured within. The therapist is aware and we're working on it.

At the heart of the internal struggle are the choices I've made in regards to relationships. The choice of polyamory and being involved with BDSM are the two major sources of conflict. Even from the beginning, BDSM was a conflict. I was far more whole and self aware then too.

I'm trying to sort this all out before I decide to take any step in any direction, in regards to relationships. I'm trying to figure out why I feel guilty about playing with other people. Trying to process that one person can actually hit my major relationship needs. If there's one person who can be that for me, there must be more people like that in the world. What does that mean for me? Does it mean monogamy? Or is that a sign for a more fulfilled polyamorous life? I don't have any of these answers yet, and there are more questions than answers.

As I've been trying to discover answers, I've been wanting to talk about it with Sir. Not because I believe He'll have the answers or that this is something He could decide for me. But instead because He's my best friend and often while talking with Him about issues, things become clearer. Unfortunately, He misread the intent. Thought it had to do with talking about progressing things between us. Having grasped a better understanding of Him, I know why He thought that.

There was also a misunderstanding with the idea of "what-ifs" and talking about long term ideas. I see them as getting to know another person, understanding them better. It's an intellectual discourse to possibly find potential problems as well as mutual desires. For my past relationships, this was fairly normal. It was not a promise or commitment for more. It wasn't even a desire for more. Simply part of the relationship experience.

That's not how He saw it, nor everything I've said along those lines for the past several months. Because He backed off from those conversations, for reasons I now understand, it fueled the doubts of Him staying. Part of me believed He was just having fun and wasn't entirely interested in me for who I am, but for the fun I could offer.

All of this has been a huge misunderstanding of how we both think and operate for probably the entire time we've known each other. Everything I learned last night is why there was always road blocks between us. Hopefully we've got it sorted out now. If not, we'll just have another two hour conversation in the attempt to understand one another.

I don't know if any of this will make sense. But this post is not necessarily for you, my dear readers. It's for me to come back to and understand this moment. To remember that even when I'm damn furious with Him, we somehow find our way through it.

The night with Sir

The night with Sir...

We had a lot of fun!! The weather did not cooperate for plans so we just had to stay inside. I know, it was such a shame!

Of course we had a fair amount of sex and other fun. There was a mirror hanging on the wall across from the bed. It seemed like such an odd place to put one, ya know? Until Sir had me on hands and knees on the bed facing it as He took me from behind. Then I completely understood!! :-D

We had a lovely time at dinner. The restaurant we went to was not what either of us expected. It had a higher end feel with a relaxed dinner service. By that I mean the restaurant wasn't trying to get us in and out as quickly as possible. Instead there was appropriate time was given between courses, friendly staff without being overbearing. The food was fantastic!

It gave Sir and I a chance to catch up. It was nice chatting about what's going on in our lives, as well as discussions over current political happenings. We do have some differences but we don't argue about them. I love that we're able to share opposing view points with an open mind.

Now it wasn't all roses. Unfortunately, I had a severe panic attack. Sir was fantastic about it. I couldn't have asked for better support. I'm used to people not knowing what to do or just walking away. Even though Sir was put in a difficult position, He handled it really well. I am so thankful that He's never rejected me.

He told me He'd not let anyone hurt me. That He would do His best not to cause me pain. After things had calmed down a bit, He asked, "Who's my special girl?"  That would be me. *blushes and smiles*  He's really amazing.

Other than that one small hiccup, it was a really great time. I always love spending time with Him. We were all snuggled up in bed. We started watching Burn Notice as we cuddled, so of course I now have another show to watch. Silly man, getting me into addictive TV shows.

I should be seeing Him on the 9th. I'd like to see Him before that but with the holiday coming up, there may not be time. It's unfortunate that we both often have busy schedules. Either way, we'll figure something out soon because I can never get enough of Him. :)

Through the Turbulent Emotions

I wish things were simpler. Last night the idea of Him hijacked my dream. It's good to have Him back there, but it means I'm worried too. There's nothing at all to be done about any of it. Just making that clear now. I can't keep bottling it up inside though.

He told me that He loved me twice in the dream. I know He does as He's alluded to the very specific absence of the words. He shows it in His actions. My logical part of my mind understands and accepts this. The emotional side, what we associate with our hearts, doesn't get it. There's fear, loneliness, stress, aching, and a whole mess of other emotions.

For the most part I'm distracted during the day. At night, I lie in bed aching from all the emotions I try to avoid. Physically aching, mind you. Because I can't give them voice or life. There is no salve to heal them. So I'm left convincing myself that it's all worth it. That one day it'll get better. It has to get better. Believing it only insofar as I don't put up walls between us.

Earlier today, He told me that He wants me to be honest about the good and the bad. I believe Him and I know there's no ill intent or motive behind it. That's not always been the case in the past. People walked out of my life when times got hard. Family, friends, partners--they all did it, with the exception of a handful of people. Sometimes before people would leave, they would use that trust against me. That as I am no one will ever want to be in my life, let alone share it.

It's like an animal, after it's been abused and beaten more times than it can count. It prepares for the out lash. Avoids doing whatever it is that "triggers" the abuse, knowing that it'll likely come anyway. People aren't that different from animals. I'm not that different.

I know He's different. He defies everything people tried to make me believe was true. It's just going to take some time to wrap my head around it. I know I project my fears onto Him. That there must be some cruel monster waiting to harm me, to break me, lurking some where within. But there's not. I can accept it yet still not believe it. I can only imagine how frustrating that is for Him.

There's not simple answer to any of this. I'm exposing old wounds that I hate to reveal but I have to do it if we stand a chance at all. I was sobbing my eyes out earlier and three simple words helped ease the pain. "I can wait" :)   Wait for me to build more trust. Wait for me to truly believe Him to be the man I know He is.

Debates Over Therapy

I was writing a nice post yesterday. A lighter piece from the last few days, full of love and sweetness. I apologize that you're not reading that one instead.

About half way through, the depression crashed into me like a damn semi truck. I haven't been able to shake it since. Or a tidal wave might be more accurate. Since trying to stay on top of the depression is like keeping my head above water as it tries to pull me down to the dark depths.

Sir wants me to talk to someone, a professional. This is not the first time we've had this conversation. I doubt it'll be the last. We're both biased in different directions about therapy. I am so frustrated by therapists that I let that malice enter my words directed His way. It wasn't fair and I apologized for it. He wants me to be happy and healthy. I can't blame Him for it.

I don't see the personal advantages of seeing a therapist. I know it can do wonders for people. It's a positive if the therapist is any good. But I don't like therapists nor do I trust them. And the one time I met the right therapist and gave it a true chance, I was a mess constantly. I could not function in my day to day life, and we had barely touched a tip of the iceberg of issues.

I keep everything carefully locked away for a reason. I don't go near those parts because they're like landmines. I do much better when I stay far away from it all. But you ask, what caused the initial spark of depression?

The best I can tell, though it seemed like a reaction to being hit by negative waves at the time, was I had a panicked moment about this blog. That what I was doing, writing about Sir and I, was wrong. That He must hate me for it. Obviously, He reads this and it's something we've talked about before. Yet there was no voice for rational thought yesterday, especially not above the sea of chaos and darkness.

But this blog doesn't make sense for being the initial start of a depressive episode. It could have been something delayed from anything. Or my mind simply fucking with me. I wouldn't put it past my mind to have a depressive episode be caused by nothing in particular.

I know Sir is just worried about me. He hates when I'm not doing well and I know He feels like there's not much He can do to help. It's why He suggested that I go see someone for help. It comes from a place of love and concern. It's likely the only reason why I'm not mad or why it didn't further set off the depression. It's frustrating because therapy is supposed to be the doctor and medicine for the mind. Yet for me, it's one of the quickest ways to shut down and retreat.

So, I don't know what to do. Stay with keeping my head above the water I guess. I do feel better than I did yesterday. The depression hasn't been lasting near as long since around the new year. I'm sure it'll be a few days yet, but I'm fighting the good fight. Maybe I will get into therapy at some point. Actually, if Sir and I stay together, I'm sure it'll be a 'when' not an 'if.' We've had this conversation too many times now. Eventually I'll go just to prove one of us right and to stop the continuing debate over this.

Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon to finish the sweetness post from yesterday. This blog needs something light and fun. Truthfully, I'm in need of that too. And I could use some time with Sir but that's always the case. :)

Safewords

A post over on FL had me thinking about safewords and the responsibility of all the people participating in a scene. The post can be found here. I thought it was very well said, given that safewords cause many who use them to be looked down upon. Oh the leaders of community talk a good game, no doubt. "These are the [standard] safewords. Play safe!" The truth is I've never seen someone safeword out of a scene. I have heard an occasional "yellow" but it's been a rarity. I've heard protests ignored as people were coerced to play with implements and in ways they very obviously didn't feel comfortable with.

I've had my safeword unheard at a friend's party. Because he brought out an object that causes very terrible things to my head space and other people had to explain quite loudly that it was an extremely hard limit for me. I've had someone interrupt my conversation with Sir to discuss said limit-object and was outright ignored. Apparently I was supposed to leave if I didn't like it. Then I had to explain why it was such a hard limit to have the person stop talking about it.

I've also been in a mindset where I couldn't safeword. I couldn't even form coherent sentences but only noises. Someone interrupted the scene I was in and because I was only making noises, no one thought there was any problem. Sir could tell you otherwise, from conversations after that. But no one stopped anything, not even Sir. He wasn't aware there was a problem. I think I may have managed a "No" and "Stop" but those aren't "standard" safewords. I also don't know if I said them loud enough to be heard because it was at a party.

I'm pretty sure Sir will never let anyone ever interrupt a scene or play again without my or His consent. Hopefully we all learned from that night. This is why there's so much noise about never putting yourself in someone else's scene. Because while it may not be a limit and even enjoyable, there was no negotiation or consent given. It's also never a good idea to surprise your sub or bottom with an additional person in your scene (unless that's something you've talked about, including the specific person or persons).

I have been in plenty of head space's where I couldn't have fathomed to utter my safeword. Why? Because sub space is one interesting place where reason and coherency often don't exist. I'll also admit that I have on occasion taken more than I could handle in terms of pain because I didn't want to use my safeword. I wanted to be stronger, better, more pleasing. I wanted to give the Top freedom to hurt me as much and as hard as they wanted.

I know my readers are mainly those who play with their significant others. I doubt many of you play in public or private events. That's fine and to each their own. But these situations can occur in your own bedroom too. I'm sure subs can attest to not being very coherent during play. Or taking more than they may have wanted in order to please their partner.

Safewords are not the answer to keeping a scene 100% safe. There is no such thing in BDSM. We play to hurt. We play to poke at wounds of all types. We play with power exchanges that are so deep it's frightening. These are inherently unsafe. We use safewords, or their equivalent of a motion, to make things safer. We get to know each other on complex and deep levels so to have a better understanding of what exactly is being exposed during play. These are necessary steps to make harm less likely, but not impossible.


So for you Doms, Tops, Masters, etc: Safewords are NOT the end-all, be-all!!!!

If you see your bottom, sub, slave is incoherent and deep in subspace, be careful how you tread from that point forward. That's on you to be aware of the signs when that occurs. This is not a time to push limits, unless you negotiated that prior to the scene starting. That is the time to watch every movement and know how to read the person in front of you. It would be better for you to wind down the scene if you're uncertain, then go forward and do damage to the other person. Because that is playing safer.

It's on everyone in a scene and while playing to keep things safe. It's why I believe safewords, verbal and non, are important. I know people who don't play with them, but I never play without one because 98% I've used one, it's had the desired effect. It's one more way to protect myself and those involved from unintentional harm. But in no way should safewords be used as the sole protection from harm in a scene.

No sugar for my coffee...

Being the sole morning person in the house I'm staying at, it falls to me to get coffee and other such things around. It is then that I notice there is no sugar. None, in any form, in this house. Having been to the store yesterday to stock up the place, I feel somewhat responsible to have forgotten sugar. I did however remember the very nice Italian sweet cream creamer so hopefully that'll make up for it. Considering I left quite a few other things back in my house, several hours away, this is just but one of the many things that I've been smacking my head about.

Apparently morning people are a rare breed. I don't mean those who get up early every day because they always have. I mean those who are wide awake and ready to go within a few minutes of waking up. That's me, all the time. I could wake up at 5-6 AM every day and be this way. In fact, for many years of my life, I did just that.

So as I wait for people to wake, and others to arrive, I thought I'd update here while I have to ability to do such.

As for last night's post, context...several conversations were had. Many which had been a long time coming. The BF still surprises me. Given I've known him for many years now, it's funny that he still has the ability to catch me completely off guard.

I think he's been reading up on polyamory and those types of relationships. Because he sounded fully prepared for the days when it'll be hard, painful, and trying. There's no illusion there. Granted, he has been here forever. This may just be a by-product of having gone through this before.

One thing he said made me chuckle a bit. Something to the affect of: "We'll both find a way to make you happy. If he (meaning Sir) is as smart as you say he is, this is something he already knows."

I told Sir that the BF and I often struggle with communicating. It's from a time long ago when I wasn't nearly so open or willing to be vulnerable. Given the last few days worth of conversations, I'm going to say that's changed.

As for Sir and I, we're sure to be having conversations at length when I get home. The game strategy has changed and we need to figure out what all that means.

The BF called me a "collector" of people. That's not an inaccurate description. I have them and the few others I've mentioned here. Sir is the closest, the BF about a half step behind. The others are a hand's length away, but with an upright palm welcoming them closer briefly when possible.

Sir thinks I've just been winging this. Heh, not at all. I have a very clear understanding of who I want where in my life. In fact, I've been emotionally setting things up to go that way for about as long as Sir has been around. It's just a matter of people being willing to go forward with how the pieces are set.

And that I will never hide who I am, nor those in my life. Perhaps a topic for another time but something to think about. Being poly is more than accepting the partner(s) of your significant other(s). There are social and economic responsibilities that come into play as well. Are you "out" and if so, to whom? What if not everyone wants or can be out about their lives? Do one or more of these relationships have the intent of being long term? Finances, vacations, children, houses. These are the realities of life and poly makes it ten times more complicated.

If it seems I am going with the flow in regards to the future, it means I do a very good job keeping some thoughts to myself. I'm well aware of conversations that will have to happen as well as decisions that will be made.

I came into this blog with more than one working relationship. That has not changed. Nor is this the first time I've had these rounds of conversations with partners, though I'd argue that these two have the potential to be the most serious. Sir has the outlook of not wanting to let me go and the BF is ready to do what he can to make this work. Sounds quite serious to me and I am all too well aware that I'm not allowed to screw things up in the mean time.

Quieting The Voices

Sir and I had a very long conversation yesterday. I won't say I'm "better" because I'm not. I likely won't be for quite some time. Though brief, it was a dark and deep depressive episode. One that would be very easy to spiral back down into.

He talked me through tears and anger and walls and pain.

We don't know exactly what triggered it as there are a number of possibilities. Heck, it could have been the combination.

There was a lot of hope and light amid our conversation. There had to be in order for my mind to not be so heavily weighed down today.

Did y'all know He fell for me? It must seem so obvious. He says that He's told me this before. I'm sure He has but that doesn't mean my mind will ever remember it.

I do remember the day He was over for dinner. It was in September. We were talking about "us", as is usually the case. I remember He told me that He could walk away and it might hurt a little at first, but He'd quickly get over it. That's the kind of screwed up shit my mind remembers. But His response to my bringing that up was very sweet.

Yeah, I said that once. Doesn't mean it's still true. Nor is your submissive aspect the only good thing about you. You are the best part of you. Not what you can do or what you can be, but you.

Heh, I don't see it, at all. It's the submissive little kitten people like. Not the broken, twisted thing that hides behind it.

[JAS], I didn't fall for the kitten. I fell for the woman. The first time I saw you, I saw it all and decided that all of you was worth knowing and cherishing.

He said this other thing that made me smile when I thought of it as I was falling to sleep last night...

You are valuable, loved, and cared for. No matter what the demons and voices of doubt say. 

If you say so, heh.

I do. I have. And I will.

And one last snippet of our conversation:

Does this mean you won't leave just because I'm screwed up, and may always be on some level? 

I don't ever plan to leave.

Do you mean that the way I do?

How do you mean it?

I knew you were going to ask that...I was asking if you were saying that as my friend or my lover.

I will always say it as a friend, and for the foreseeable future I say it as a lover.

The voices of doubt didn't quite know how to react to that, heh. It's hard to cling onto such things when He's basically saying He wants to stay by my side and that He cherishes me. One could even almost possibly infer that He loves me.

I wouldn't infer such things, LOL...but the evidence is there for someone to do such.

Sir stayed with me when I was (am?) at one of the darkest places I've been in years. It's not the first time He's seen the depression. I have to keep reminding myself that He's never left. That He doesn't want to leave me to deal with it alone. Instead He pulls me closer and tries to make it okay.

I'm not used to that. After at least 15 years of depression, no one has reacted the way He has. No one seems to understand what I need to get through it like He does. No, it's not constant and He says I'm making progress. For the first time, I don't feel like this incomprehensible person, who makes people run for the hills the moment the clinical depression makes an appearance.

Yes, I am a broken human being. And yet, He wants me anyway. There's something to be said for that.

Concerns and Conversations

It kind of feels like Sir and I are hitting a rough spot. Not really, but I have a feeling I won't be too thrilled with the conversation.

Our plans for the weekend are not what I wrote about a few days ago. It's fine. I'll still see Him on Saturday.

It's so hard sometimes. I'm as open as they come. I let people into my life easily. He walked in, with no resistance. Like I ever would have wanted to keep Him away.

He talks about fucking a woman in front of me as I'm bound helpless. Hot, right? It really is. I'd love to experience a scene/play like that.

But I don't stifle the people I'm with. More love, the better. That's who I am. I love.

So when He talks about playing and maybe fucking others, then tells me that He doesn't want to share me, I'm left feeling very confused. How can He expect me to hide away most or all of who I am, yet still be okay with letting Him do whatever He wants?

Because I've been there. I want to believe it's different with Him. I've stayed away from the dating sites. Not messaged anyone. Been on my best behavior. Let Him know about casual interests I met. I haven't had sex with anyone else.

Yes, I've not even had sex with the BF. For completely other reasons but that's besides the point.

And yes, Sir is already aware of my feelings on this. Hence the conversation we'll be having. He said (and I quote): "We'll explore our very brief conversation [from] the other day in more depth which should resolve some of the concerns you've expressed."

So He does get it. I know He has always listened. But I'm worried.

I love this man so dearly. In the last 6 months, He's become such an integral part of my life. I don't want to lose Him. Yet I can only bend so much in regards to how restricted I can be.

Everyone sees it. Our friends. The community at large. They all see how I thrive when I can be free. Which sounds contradicting to submission, but it's really not. Sir is in control. He gets the final say, whether people realize it or not. I can live with that. In fact, I'd rather it that way.

But He doesn't want to share...well, share me how? Because I need a little bit of wiggle room. I thought we had that figured out.

I don't want this to be something that comes between us. I love Him with all my heart. That I'm considering being monogamous with Him should say it all.

Maybe it's because the Sadist wants to come out to play. Or now that Sir and I are becoming more recognized, the BF is starting to...cramp His style, lol. Something like that.

I give a lot when it comes to Sir. There's only so far I can bend on this. Else He tries to make me into something I'm not. I would try so hard for Him. But I think it would end really shitty that way.

*sighs*  I don't know. But I am worried...This is why He tells me I worry too much. He's willing to resolve the issues. He's not going to leave me. I still worry about it though.

Slipping & Crawling Back Up

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a very long couple of days. Had friends over for super bowl. Then an emergency had me leaving quickly to best friend and her son. They're both okay now. Little man is on medicine--that of course he doesn't want to take. It was a stressful last few days though.

Speaking of stress, I was thinking too much in the shower yesterday evening. There's something good in there, I know it. But upon expressing it to Sir, nothing worked right. I started feeling myself retreat so I went purposefully numb. The depression was trying to kick my ass, and almost did.

See, when the depression makes a full on attack like that, everything gets twisted. Even things that should be good things, my brain says: "He only cares "this" much, and you care "that" much...and it'll never work. You'll be hurt. You'll never be happy."

Pretty fucked up I know. I don't blame Him; I never would. Honesty is appreciated and He gives me that. It's not His fault my mind can twist just about anything...

But. Yes, there is a "but" to all of this.

We kept talking. Once I explained that it was on me, not an outward projection...He thought I was thinking He was just going to up and leave me. No, it's not like that. It all focuses inward.

That all started around 6:30. By 11, I was doing okay. The moment I called Him "Sir" it was like the pieces fell back into their proper places. It felt so right. He agreed, which helped even more.

Today I'm still a little jumpy, emotionally. But I am okay. This is not the norm for me. He says I'm in the early stages of healing. I think I have to agree after how I managed last night. A large part is in thanks to Sir. He was fantastic and supportive...unlike so many people from my past.

Intentionally or not, they were helping to feed the depression. Because when I get dismissed or being told I'm acting unreasonable/irrational, it confirms all of the negative thoughts. Skews me further down that dark path. So I in turn make worse decisions, even as I try to make things okay between myself and the other person.

I am so thankful to have Sir. How He treats me gives me hope. Though I sometimes begrudge Him for giving me hope, I'm actually quite grateful for it.

In Trying to Understand, We Get a Little Lost

It was lovely to be out yesterday! Hugs and snuggles abounded!

Everyone was happy to see their kitten doing better. Though I managed to somewhat hide the damn cough that wanted to make a reemergence and leave me struggling to breathe.

I was able to see Him which was so lovely! Though He does owe me more cuddles, lol. I'll be sure to cash those in when I see Him next.

All of my recent writings had left Him uneasy. Misunderstandings. You'd think I'd remember that seems to be the nature of things between us. We sorted it out a bit, without really getting into the specifics.

He thought I wanted Him to be "Uber Dom" 24/7, 365. *shakes head* That was not my intention and I think He sees that now.

We have much more to discuss. I really don't want to write about it here until He and I talk. Or it may end up causing further confusion.

So this week will be spent on other ideas. I've been reading enough blogs lately that my head is filled with them. I'm also spending a few days with my one friend and her son. I haven't seen them since before Christmas. I can tell y'all about my vanilla-ish life. LOL

I really don't have much of a "vanilla" life. It's more that I do vanilla things with kinky people. Like being dragged to a hockey game with several of my kinky friends. I've never been and apparently it's time. Or some other nonsense. But I enjoy spending time with my friends so I can live with it.

I also volunteered myself to two friends. The ones who always host parties. They're both Dominants and so need a victim volunteer. I'll have to run it by Him, of course. I doubt it'll be any time soon but it's an offer from one friend to another. And I'm not some crazy bitch who's going to fuck up their lives. I have my own business and affairs. This is just for the sake of fun. :)

Back to Him, to end this post...I can see why He'd be a bit concerned. His life is more geared toward vanilla people, and vanilla life in general. Whereas mine is the exact opposite. But I'm not submissive 24/7. Yeah, it's always there if I need it. I'd get burnt out like anyone else if every single second was kink.

The most kink I've had was Sir playing with previously set up orgasm triggers at the event yesterday. Just for fun and because He could. (I'll tell y'all about that in another post, maybe tomorrow.)

Before that? New years eve. Playing with Him. We've not been kinky or bdsm-like in our D/s since then. Sure, the control and power exchange are a constant undercurrent. But it's rarely touched upon. Just in a few bits of conversation now and then.

We're two people. Bonding. Working to understand each other. Sharing bits of our lives. Like I said in my last post, I see a man who constantly intrigues the hell out of me. He is Dominant, but He's far more complex than that alone. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

I may like the Dom...but I'm head over heels in love the man.

Depths of submission

I think I may finally be getting better. *crossing fingers*  I am up and about again. Hoping to get out tomorrow to socialize with people.

Plus, I want to see Sir. I miss Him, even though we talk daily. I need Him.

It's an idea He's still coming to terms with. It's a huge responsibility to be so needed by another person. He takes it on willingly. Even last night, He mentioned that "owning" another person is something He can't fully wrap His mind around.

I am well-loved in our community. The resident "kitten". I know I've detailed some of my interactions with others. I said to Sir last night that while the community sees me as "theirs" in some ways...I am in all reality His.

He's pushed people away for the last few years. Locked Himself up. I think so He couldn't be hurt again.

Like how He saw past all my walls, I saw past His. I see what an incredible and complex man He is. He is very much wanted. Needed. Loved. We slid into each other's lives with such ease. It's as if we belonged there.

Heh, so it seems He and I are due for another conversation.

Before we take any more steps forward, I need Him to be prepared for who and what I am. Sir has seen glimpses of my submissive nature. We have had some discussions on the matter.

He needs a working understanding of me. A more complete guide.

I have spent the last 6 years unearthing the submissive aspects of me. To the point where I can not go back to who I was. I've tried, been trying. There is no shutting it off. There is not keeping it in the bedroom, or only to be called upon when wanted.

That's like trying to control any other part of my personality. Yes, I'm astute enough to realize when it's inappropriate. I manage just fine in various social situations with the rest of my personality.

But I am not a bedroom sub. And while Sir intellectually understands that, I think there are pieces missing. It's my job to make sure He understands me and what I need. So, next week we'll talk. We're seeing when our schedules coincide.

I know it'll be a slow progression. With circumstances being what they are, He can't take the level of control that either of us want. I honestly don't think "we" as a couple are ready for that either. However, there are steps we can take. Measures of control we can approach...maybe something we need to do.

I don't know. Maybe it'll make more sense after our conversation.

Dom and sub Accountability

Yearning Letgo was apparently on the same train of thought as me today in her post here.

I've been thinking about accountability. Personal and within the confines of a D/s relationship.

D/s relationships by their very nature can only work when both people are doing what their role requires of them. Dominants must maintain an active control over the submissive, while the sub must actively submit to that control as necessary.

The Dom has clearly defined tools to keep the sub on the right path. Discipline, tasks, rules, punishments. However, at the end of the day, the sub has to WANT to submit. The desire must come from within. Or it would be like a man trying to push a mountain; it will never be done. What the Dom has are means to help and assist the sub.

By the same token, a Dom must want the power and control. It is not something that can be forced, coerced, or demanded of another. It must be a freely accepted need to take power over a sub.

What happens when a Dom needs focusing? Needs that nudge to continue on the path?

As a sub, I have had difficulty with this in the past. Expressing my needs and gently explaining what isn't being met can help. Not always though. It can seem like another burden being placed or seen as questioning the Dom's decisions. When one is new, or even in a new relationship, this can be a huge blow to the ego. Even for a good, well-intentioned Dom, it can be easy to feel like toes are being stepped on or even *gasp* that a sub is topping from the bottom.

It's been something on my mind lately. How to serve a Dom who is slowly stepping back into the role, after some years away. Then I was thinking more in the broader sense, for subs in general.

The answer was startling simple. For a Dominant, the use of dominance furthers the path of the submissive. Honed carefully by knowing the sub, in and out, so as to appropriately direct.

For the submissive then, the path to bringing a Dom back on track is submission. Service. Submitting. Stepping up and easing the burdens of the Dom to make life easier and more comfortable. Being available and of easy access, in an obvious yet non-aggressive manner.

It made sense as soon as I touched upon the idea. What better to draw forth dominance than by offering exactly what it craves, needs, demands? It seems simple, and it really is. It's keeping up with assignments and tasks. Sticking to rituals. Doing little things of service.

Is the morning rushed? Then make it easier. By the night before, laying out neatly everything necessary. Bathroom, kitchen, outfits. Whatever makes things easier. Is dinner regularly rushed and ill-planned? Make a schedule with planned meals ahead of time. Fill it with the Dom's favorites, especially on night's when you know it'll be a hectic/rough day at work.

Only the sub in question can know what is right for the Dom. Whether if and what will help reduce stress and burdens. But, if it seems like the dominance is fading a bit, being proactive can help the Dom see exactly what is so damn appealing about D/s. It'll also help the sub feel better as it's strengthening the submissive connection.

Something to think about, next time the submissive jitters are taking over. For that matter, the dominant ones too. Yes, nothing is a substitute for good, honest, open communication. But no one wants to be a nag and sometimes actions speak louder than words.

Asking VS Expressing

This is going to be a very twitchy post for me...

Hope I can do the topic justice.

We were talking about asking for things I want/need from Him. This post has a two-fold purpose. One to explain to Him fully where that comes from. The other to pose the argument between "asking" versus "expressing".

That I don't ask for things is a reoccurring theme for me with Doms and relationships for me in general. It stems back to my childhood. I was raised by guardian parents from second grade and on. It was once I moved in with them that I stopped asking for anything.

I learned very early on to appreciate what I did have. When nearly everything was taken away, priorities changed. I also realized that my guardians couldn't provide the emotional support and love I had previously. I accepted that and appreciated what I did have.

My Christmas list every year comprised of books and cds. The only two things I really craved, and still do to this day. Still, I had to be told to write out a wish list. I wasn't one of those children in the store pointing out this and that. The comments of "I hope you like it" with a hint of worry and "I didn't know what to really buy you" now make much more sense.

That has been who I am ever since, in every aspect of my life. I accept what people can and can't offer. I am happy with what I do receive physically and emotionally from others. As long as people make the effort, I'm content.

It's made D/s a bit interesting. Because this attitude has set me up for disappointment. I am human and do have needs that must be met, or I become disinterested. It's something I have been working on over the last two years to determine what all I need from a partner. The list becomes a little more detailed if they are also dominant over me.

But simply, as long as that list is fulfilled on a decently regular basis, I'm good. Everything else I receive from a partner is an extra blessing, and an unexpected one at that.

This is because my life conditioned me to set my expectation bar fairly low when it comes to others. I'm all too aware of the imperfections of people. I will never ask people to give more than they are willing. It ends badly for everyone.

Which leads me to the second half of this post...

I can express my needs, wants, desires just fine. At this point in my life, it's something I know to make very clear. I will tell a partner everything I do and do not like. I want to talk about unexplored avenues that sound fun. I don't just mean kink, but life in general. It's great to talk about these things.

It's amazing what you can learn about people when you talk with and listen to them.

But asking sits uncomfortably with me. I feel it places an expectation upon my partner. It sends the message that I'm without something I want/need. Which, given what people have expected me to ask for, it's not like that. If there's a need/want not being met that's on my list, it means a more in depth conversation than just asking.

For me, that's a sign that there's a greater miscommunication at work. Possibly that it's something the other person can't fulfill, or something they're not all the comfortable with. It speaks to a larger issue, possibly irreparable problem.

Let me give an example of what I mean between expressing and asking. I'll go into orgasms because that's where this conversation began with Him and I.

hypothetical background: been horny for a few days, starting to feel needy as I haven't been given permission to cum in that time...

Expressing myself: "Sir, I've been very horny the last few days. You have a very aroused sex kitten wanting to play."

Asking: "Sir, I've been very horny and needy. Would it be possible for me to have an orgasm soon?"

Ugh...even writing the "asking" part was very difficult. I probably didn't do a good job with it either.

Both leave the power in the other person's hands...but asking seems like placing an expectation upon the person. It requires an active decision in that moment. Expressing has the feel of making the desire known, but leaving it up to the other person as to when to address it and how.

To me, my partner should know when I'm horny. When I want to play. When I'm having a bad day and just want sweetness/softness. Expressing all of this is great. It's information the other person should know. But it still leaves all the power and discretion up to the other person.

I'm more liable to ask if there's a reason why "x, y, z" is or isn't happening compared to me asking for something in particular.

Frankly, asking feels like it creates more problems than solutions. I understand that my partner has the ability to say "no" but I believe hearing/saying "no" too often can lead to a fracture between the people involved. It can lead to the one asking to stop doing such. Whereas with just expressing, and the other person acknowledging it of course, allows the person in control to make decisions with a fuller understanding. But not dictated by the box asking creates in either giving or denying.

I didn't choose D/s to get what I want all the time. I chose it because I need to give up control. I need to be led, even to places I would not have chosen in that moment myself. Because it's not just about me. It's not even about the other person so much. It's about the journey together.

Asking for things seems counterproductive to that journey and the growth that comes with it.

So folks, if you made it all the way through this: Congrats!!! 

I'd love some feedback from people and 

your perspectives on the topic of "asking."

I have a feeling He's going to say something to the effect of: "Your inability to ask comes from a fear of being rejected. Hence why I'm pushing you past those boundaries in order to have you grow as a person." And He feels like He misses things. If He is, asking is a direct way to bring it to His attention.

Even though I express myself well I think...and when I don't, oh look I have a blog to sort out the details.

Anyway, if you have thoughts, please feel free to comment. I do so enjoy your comments!! ^_^

Emotional growth

Yesterday, R told me that I should be careful and cautious when it comes to Him. She doesn't want to see me hurt.

He and I had the same reaction: Surprised this hadn't come sooner.

I'm well aware I'm playing with fire. I could easily get burned.

I am in love with a man who is not in love with me.

Yes, He finds me attractive. He's obviously interested, or we wouldn't have what we do.

It's not the most dangerous game I've played, but there are still a lot of unknowns.

Last night I was talking with a friend (from our circle of kinksters) about her relationship of sorts with this one guy (who we're also friends with). She's having intense jealousy issues.

So I talked her through all of her feelings. It came down to the fact that she's not communicating with this guy. I was firm with her that she needed to communicate her needs better. Even if they're not dating per se, they are together.

She is allowed to ask him questions about this other woman he's seeing/playing with. She has the right to express her insecurities to him. I hope she follows through with that like she agreed to do.

But there's a reason why I mention this exchange. She sounds like I did!! Before He and I had all of our most recent conversations.

I found myself telling her all of the things I've recently learned. How to enjoy the moment while it's happening. How to better communicate feelings with the intention of expression, not of actions. Expressing what are needs, even in that dynamic of a play partnership. If both parties aren't happy, then something needs to change or it's just not going to work out.

That fear I read in her words? I know that all too well. The fear of loss. The fear of no reciprocity of intense feelings and a more defined relationship. The fear of being dismissed when expressing emotional concerns.

A lesson I've recently learned is that someone who truly cares about me wants to hear my fears and concerns, so to help ease them. He likes it when I'm happy and super content. He tells me all the time that if I have questions about things He says, I'm more than welcome to ask.

Heh, she basically told me that her guy said the same to her. This woman and I are a lot alike. Something I've noticed from the moment we met. Maybe all of my recent personal growth can help her reach her own growth and inner peace.

I know R is worried but I'm in a good place with a really great man. If nothing else, the man does care very much about me. He's helped me grow emotionally, and has helped me find some stability within myself. I'm learning to communicate better. Not just with Him, but in my daily interactions with others.

I am cautious still. I will be for awhile as past issues with abandonment don't just disappear over night. But my head and heart say that this is the man I've been searching for.