Happy New Year

Holidays seasons, ugh! I love the holidays but it can be exhausting. I spent 6 hours driving in less than a 36 hour time span. I'm worn out! Hope y'all had a great holiday season. :-)

I spent some time with Sir this past Sunday. We were both dead so we stayed in at His place watching more episodes of Chuck, finally getting through season one. There was a bit of fun too. Such as sucking His cock while we were making some lunch. Always a good time, lol. Honestly? It was good just to spend time together. I missed us having time together. Hopefully the new year will give us both some time to connect more often.

I'm going to be back in the car as of Saturday. I'm going to spend some time with Chris. It's about a 2-1/2 to 3 hour drive. I recently bought a newer car, just after Christmas. My old one was nearly as old as I am, lol. The new one drives like a beauty and gets twice the gas mileage. So the drive shouldn't be too bad, all things considering. I'll be with Chris for a little over a week. We'll be spending time with some friends too. After over 6 months apart, it'll be good to see him. Thankfully cell phones and Skype makes the distance and time apart feel less drastic.

Lisa wants some time with me not too long after I return from being with Chris. Her hubby has to leave town for work so she wants some girl time together. I'm sure as heck not going to pass up on that opportunity! Her hubby bought her a fucking machine for Christmas. We will have fun with that, for sure!

Not a heck of a lot is going on, besides spending time with people. Though Sir was teasing me about when I might have another party in the near future. There's something that'll be worth celebrating, especially for us. So we'll see. I'd like to get through January first and then see about celebrating some major life changes, lol.

Hope everyone has a Happy New Year filled with lots of joy and blessings!!

Holiday Blessings

A splash of new, a touch of old

May the new year be what you mold

Brightest blessings to all

Fulfilled wishes, small and tall

Merry Christmas &

Blessed Yule

Aurai

There once were spirits that lingered in and of the elements of Earth. They kept the balance between earth, fire, water, and air. The youngest was a daughter of air. She had not the power of her sisters, who were hurricanes, tornadoes, and cyclones. No, she was the the barest of breezes that warmed in summer days, played amongst the snowflakes in winter, ushered in the first breath of spring, and felled the last leaf in autumn.

The young air spirit roamed the world searching for something to connect with, as she had always felt disconnected from the world she was charged to help keep in harmony. What she searched for, she did not know. Yet she continued her travels to the farthest reaches of the world. When she had seen all she could see, she fell into despair. She felt nothing had changed because of her. Hairs she could gently brush against for a moment, the flowers that would sway as she passed by, these were fleeting.

She was so caught up in her belief that she couldn't cause major changes to the world around her that she missed the effects she had as she passed throughout the world. When her breeze swept through the hairs of humans, she brought smiles to their lips. She reminded them of the gentleness of the world, often when they needed it most. When she swayed the flowers in fields, young children and animals would stop to watch in pure delight.

With a tiny spark of hope left in her, she turned to the oldest of spirits for guidance, the mother of all things bound to the soil. The little air spirit tentatively ventured down into the home the earth mother had made in the rich soil far away from the prying eyes of the world. The older spirit welcomed her warmly, "Hello little breeze. What can I do for you?"

"Well mother, I'm lost. All my sisters can do wondrous things that can impact the world. Our brethren of earth, water, and fire spirits helped create and sustain this beautiful world. They all have a purpose. I fear that I'm a mistake, that there is nothing I can do that can have as great an impact as they." She huffed and sobbed without tears, stirring up the dirt floor of the earth mother's home.

The earth mother looked her over for a moment, "You truly think you don't have a purpose? Come, let me show you." She held out her hand to the air spirit, who took it earnestly yet with misgivings in her heart. The air spirit knew better than to disregard earth mother, so they journeyed back up to the surface. They were in a small park with children playing with their parents and pets. "Go child and walk among them. Watch."

And so the breeze spirit began to walk and wander among the living creatures of the earth. At first she saw no difference, until a little girl stood next to her smiling. While the little girl couldn't see the spirit, she felt the warm breeze. The child smiled with pure joy and swung about before running back to her mother. The spirit watched the girl, understanding beginning to take root. She moved to the dogs running through the park. She traveled with them, laughing as she watched them breathe in deeply the smells of summer that floated along her trail.

After spending the afternoon playing with the living creatures, she returned to earth mother who had waited for her, watching the young spirit's heart fill with joy. "I see you understand now," said the older spirit. "Our brethren can do many wonderful and amazing things. We keep their world alive. We flow through their bodies, keeping them strong. But you, little spirit, you have something that none of us have. You can touch their hearts, bring joy to their lives. That is your purpose."

Renewed, the breeze spirit thanked earth mother for all her help. She ran off to all parts of the world, bringing happiness and peace wherever she went. For it is in the gentlest of breezes that hope, wonder, and peace is brought to the world.

Friday the 13th and a Kissing Ball

I love Friday the 13th. It's always an interesting day. Though the argument can be made that I notice the unusual more because I'm waiting for, compared to just any other day...but we're going to ignore that in lieu of saying how awesome Friday the 13th truly is!!

It's been a rough week already so today better be awesome. I need a good day. Y'all are somewhat aware of the crazy shit that goes on in my head. That's kind of the norm for me, so much that I barely blink at it anymore. This past week? Pretty sure I was going insane. Everyone swears I wasn't, but would they really tell me if I was? Regardless I seem to have leveled out. Thank god!

So, I've been incredibly domestic this week. All the cleaning, ugh! I'm hosting a party on Sunday for the holidays. Should be fun! And Sir will be there. Yay!!! We're not going to mention that I haven't seen Him in two months...

The downstairs of my house looks like Christmas and glitter exploded everywhere. I've been busy decorating too and I'm not quite done yet, lol. I was telling Sir about the kissing ball I bought because I checked every single store in my area and no one had any. I was looking for the plastic or fabric kind that I could use every year. Nope, not a damn one to be found. Most stores never got a shipment for it in the first place. Is mistletoe going out of style??? As a kinky person, that makes me terribly sad.

Anyway, I was telling Sir about the kissing ball. Of course He had no clue what I was talking about. When I tried to explain it at first, I did a terrible job. Then I thought He might be mad at me (I know, I never claim to be rational. I don't know why people keep expecting it out of me.). Finally I explained it better and sent a picture to go along with it.

That's what mine actually looks like. Bought it at Pier One because they were the only ones who even had a kissing ball. Either way, it'll induce lots of kissing and I'm more than okay with that. :-D

Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's to bake gluten-free cookies. So between all the cleaning left to do, laundry, cooking baking, and then the party Sunday, I'm going to need a few days of quiet and nothingness to recover! Hee hee! :-P

Anything

I was thinking back to a play party from the spring time the other morning. Overall it was a very fun day, and there are plenty of fond memories. One came to mind though, which I've been mulling over ever since. All I remember is that I wanted something, from that party. I'm not sure what I asked or possibly begged for. I was a touch out of it at the time. I do remember someone asking me what I'd do to get whatever it is that I wanted. I replied, "Anything." The three of them smirked and taunted me at my answer. Who were those people? Sir, Kevin, and Rebecca. Frickin sadists, lol!!

Remembering that little incident, I got to thinking about where I draw personal lines and what that answer of "anything" means to me. If it's not obvious, I trust all three of them not to intentionally harm me, and if something should accidentally happen, help put me back together. Sir has a deeper trust level overall in my day to day life, but as far as play goes, we've talked enough that expectations are set. I also know that I wouldn't have uttered my "anything" answer if Sir hadn't been present at the time. That is reserved for my D/s relationships.

Past Doms, and even Sir to some extent, haven't liked the "anything" answer in reply to what I'd be willing to do. Now you'd think it would inflate their egos, but Doms tend to like specifics. It's very hard to be creative and interesting when one's mind is half floating away in pleasure. That should be noted and taken into consideration. That's all I'm saying about that, lol. However, I understand the perspective of the Dom in that situation.

Contrary to what that "anything" might seem to suggest, it's not an all encompassing word that delves into insane or harmful situations. By the point I'd say that as a response, negotiations and trust have been established. Limits have been discussed. I know Sir isn't about to do something batshit crazy when we play, no matter what I say. So I don't have to say "I'd do anything but x, y, and z" because x, y, and z have already been established.

I've seen this argument for full time slavery thrown about. If a sub doesn't trust their dom not to break limits or stay within consensual realms of interactions, then it's not BDSM or kink, it's abuse. The whole "You'd let your Dom/Master break your arm if he asked?? Because you said 'anything' goes" is just fucking stupid. We play in consent. The endless what-ifs are bullshit and unnecessary.

So it goes for my "anything". In those moments where Sir would ask what I'd give? There is no limit or tit for tat. I'd give Him anything He'd ask for because it's what I want. It's what I signed up for, heh. He would only have to ask, and it's His. There's no "well, today I'm willing to do this." That's not how I function, it's not what relationships are for me. Forget the whole kink aspects, and that's still how I am.

That's what love looks like, right? Love is putting someone else above your own needs, wants, and desires. Love is about focusing on the other person instead of yourself. Why would a power exchange relationship that is clearly supposed to enhance those feelings, why would it be any different? It's not, that's why.

I'd give Sir whatever He desires because I wouldn't ever hold back on Him. So that little word of "anything" is far more powerful and meaningful than I could ever express. I know it's been seen as a flippant answer in the past, but it's one I won't give unless I truly mean it.

Forgiveness?

Time has been getting away from me lately. I didn't mean to step away from blogging as long as I did. Things have been busy with getting ready for the holidays as well as being social. I've been spending a lot of time reading too. I've gone through nearly two dozen books in the past month or so. I still managed to knit a matching scarf and hat. My first project, the scarf, took forever but the hat only took two days. I'm happy with how all of that is coming along.

I've also been preparing for a holiday party I'm hosting next Sunday. Decorating, far too much cleaning, the usual when it comes to parties. I even went black friday shopping for the first time ever. Granted, the "mall" by me wasn't even as busy as a normal mall anywhere else on a typical Saturday and I didn't bother to go shopping until 10 am. Three o'clock in the god damn morning holds no appeal to me unless it involves sleep or sex.

There have been some good days, not as many as I'd like but I think I'm getting back there. Certain vanilla hold-ups have been progressing nicely, finally. Therapy is doing more good than I could have ever imagined. I told Sir that I was going to focus on me. He's always said I give too much of myself to help and make others happy. I didn't truly see what He meant until the week of Thanksgiving. I made a choice, one that was right for me, even if it upset a friend of mine. In the past, I would have sucked it up. I would have gone and been uncomfortably nice to someone who made my skin crawl...all to make the host of the party, my friend, happy. But this time? I made the decision that was right by me and didn't attend.

I think I understand now, what Sir meant. I give more than other people deserve. I compromise myself and my happiness to do it.

"Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past."  

Sir quoted me that a few days ago. I understood the message but disagreed with the word choice. I still disagree but the more I think on it, the better I understand the intent. Do I wish I could change the past? Of course, but I accept that I can't.

It's actually funny because Sir and I talk about hope quite regularly. I say I gave up on hope. He says hope makes a difference in how the future will unwind. Hope changes us. I can't give up hope on the past, but not because of what I'd like to change. I can't let go of the past being this black and white picture of facts. The past is there, not here. What lingers are the emotions, the memories, who I've been and become.

My past is filled with pain and heart ache and trauma. If I give up hope, those are what remain. Hope is that the past won't torture me one day. Hope is that I can shape those terrible moments into a stronger and better me. Forgiveness is not to change the facts, but to change the effects.

If I can forgive myself for hurting a friend in order to protect myself, then maybe I can forgive more of my past. Maybe, heh  :)