Happy New Year

Holidays seasons, ugh! I love the holidays but it can be exhausting. I spent 6 hours driving in less than a 36 hour time span. I'm worn out! Hope y'all had a great holiday season. :-)

I spent some time with Sir this past Sunday. We were both dead so we stayed in at His place watching more episodes of Chuck, finally getting through season one. There was a bit of fun too. Such as sucking His cock while we were making some lunch. Always a good time, lol. Honestly? It was good just to spend time together. I missed us having time together. Hopefully the new year will give us both some time to connect more often.

I'm going to be back in the car as of Saturday. I'm going to spend some time with Chris. It's about a 2-1/2 to 3 hour drive. I recently bought a newer car, just after Christmas. My old one was nearly as old as I am, lol. The new one drives like a beauty and gets twice the gas mileage. So the drive shouldn't be too bad, all things considering. I'll be with Chris for a little over a week. We'll be spending time with some friends too. After over 6 months apart, it'll be good to see him. Thankfully cell phones and Skype makes the distance and time apart feel less drastic.

Lisa wants some time with me not too long after I return from being with Chris. Her hubby has to leave town for work so she wants some girl time together. I'm sure as heck not going to pass up on that opportunity! Her hubby bought her a fucking machine for Christmas. We will have fun with that, for sure!

Not a heck of a lot is going on, besides spending time with people. Though Sir was teasing me about when I might have another party in the near future. There's something that'll be worth celebrating, especially for us. So we'll see. I'd like to get through January first and then see about celebrating some major life changes, lol.

Hope everyone has a Happy New Year filled with lots of joy and blessings!!

Friday the 13th and a Kissing Ball

I love Friday the 13th. It's always an interesting day. Though the argument can be made that I notice the unusual more because I'm waiting for, compared to just any other day...but we're going to ignore that in lieu of saying how awesome Friday the 13th truly is!!

It's been a rough week already so today better be awesome. I need a good day. Y'all are somewhat aware of the crazy shit that goes on in my head. That's kind of the norm for me, so much that I barely blink at it anymore. This past week? Pretty sure I was going insane. Everyone swears I wasn't, but would they really tell me if I was? Regardless I seem to have leveled out. Thank god!

So, I've been incredibly domestic this week. All the cleaning, ugh! I'm hosting a party on Sunday for the holidays. Should be fun! And Sir will be there. Yay!!! We're not going to mention that I haven't seen Him in two months...

The downstairs of my house looks like Christmas and glitter exploded everywhere. I've been busy decorating too and I'm not quite done yet, lol. I was telling Sir about the kissing ball I bought because I checked every single store in my area and no one had any. I was looking for the plastic or fabric kind that I could use every year. Nope, not a damn one to be found. Most stores never got a shipment for it in the first place. Is mistletoe going out of style??? As a kinky person, that makes me terribly sad.

Anyway, I was telling Sir about the kissing ball. Of course He had no clue what I was talking about. When I tried to explain it at first, I did a terrible job. Then I thought He might be mad at me (I know, I never claim to be rational. I don't know why people keep expecting it out of me.). Finally I explained it better and sent a picture to go along with it.

That's what mine actually looks like. Bought it at Pier One because they were the only ones who even had a kissing ball. Either way, it'll induce lots of kissing and I'm more than okay with that. :-D

Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's to bake gluten-free cookies. So between all the cleaning left to do, laundry, cooking baking, and then the party Sunday, I'm going to need a few days of quiet and nothingness to recover! Hee hee! :-P

Not Going According To Plan

I'm all over the place today so please bare with me.

First, the party overall was a lot of fun. I have the bruises to prove it. I had a good time with great friends. Sir was affectionate, or insomuch as He is in public. Him and several of our friends decided that they'd torment me. It was a good time. :)

Now, as for the rest of it. The demo presenter brought out a very sharp knife was no warning. Told a graphic story about knife play gone wrong. Mind you, the demo was not in any way, shape or form on knife play. I tried distracting myself by snuggling with a friend. But I was shivering against her and she thought I was cold. I knew I had to get away from the room of about 50 people or things would not have ended well.

I went into one of the bathrooms. It seemed like the only safe place. Another friend found me. I was trying to get a hold of myself. She was very sweet and realized I was in trouble. She helped me get my breathing under control and distracted me enough to fight back the waves of panic.

I know I'm not the only person who triggers with knives and other edge play items. That's not something a presenter should throw into a scene without letting the audience know ahead of time. I made a note to the group leaders who organized the party as to what happened and gave them advice on how to better handle a presentation like that in the future.

I don't think Sir realized the depths of how bad it was for me. He knew the knives had triggered me and it's something He wants to help me get a handle on. I've been holding off writing because I've still been dealing with aftereffects. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, the waves of panic hit again. I get lightheaded and often the room will spin. It's scary stuff.

And I was left putting on a smile, suppressing all the crap after I could steady my breathing. I was at a party after all. I wasn't about to make a scene or cause problems. It wasn't the place so years of compartmentalizing allowed me to disconnect from those emotions for a while. "Don't make anyone look bad"  is the mentality I was raised with. Problems are meant to be dealt with privately. Funny how something like that sticks around long after childhood is over.

To top matters off, the one ex was a dick earlier today. A fight over stupid shit but that's always been the case. Or more like he yelled while I tried to be reasonable. I'm already close to being a shaking mess and then he had to be an asshole. Poking at old wounds.

I told Sir about it. This was the kind of stuff I had been keeping back from Him that I mentioned in a post from a few months ago. I didn't want to involve Him in the drama of an old relationship. But He asked to be kept informed so I'm doing my best. Thankfully, there's often not something to tell. We're hoping soon enough there won't be anything to say. No one ever explains how difficult it is to extrapolate your life from someone else's.

It's all too much sometimes for me to deal with alone. Sir is my safe place and I wouldn't have made it through that party without Him. I doubt I would have managed as well with the ex if He hadn't let me vent. Reminding me it's all almost over. Things are going better and more quickly than we had hoped. Our talks about two months or two years? It was in reference to this mess. It's looking to be resolved soon rather than later, a relief for both of us.

Not only to have the peace and ability to explore what's between us, but for my sanity and well-being too.

Party

There's a party today, which I'm sure is going to be a cluster fuck. After talking with a number of people, no one knows what the demo presentation is actually on. The title is "Resistance Play" and I've heard anything from interrogation to rape play to grappling. That last one I think was a BS response by one of the leaders to appease people's minds. Yes, it's as bullshit as it sounds.

Either that or no one would bottom to anything else with this presenter. Basically this entire event has been screwy from the beginning.

On the bright side, I get to spend time with Sir! Yay! I've already been promised lots of hugs and cuddles.

And if that demo is on consensual-nonconsent, will NOT be watching. That's something I can do with Sir, only Him because there's a level of trust and an ongoing relationship. I will trigger being around a scene like that. He told me last night that He'll be there for me if anyone gives me shit about it.

The best part about all this is that the presenter was announced after many people bought their tickets to go to this event. The whole point was to have a play party. It got turned into an ego-stroking event for one of the group's leaders.

Yet Sir wonders why I love it so much here in Blogland and want to be a hermit from the rest of the world. Out there is crazy. Here? Been nothing but wonderful people and a great support system.

On another bright side, I am feeling better from earlier in the week so I should get to play with Sir!! He may have to go a little easy at first, just to be sure. Other than that though, it's all good! And if we can't play, there's always those lovely snuggles. :)

Setback and Play This Weekend

I hurt my back, somehow. I honestly I have no idea what I did. But it's been a lot of sharp pain. Took a hot bath which seemed to have helped. Normally when I hurt myself (I swear it doesn't happen as nearly as often nowadays), I rest and relax until I feel alright again. It's not a big deal. These things happen with age, lol.

But on Saturday, there's a big community play party. One of the groups rented out a space. There will be 65-70 people, most of whom I do know. I had plans to play with this cute young thing. She's very sweet and unfortunately will be moving in a few weeks.

Not to mention that this would be a fantastic chance for Sir and I to play. I think He enjoys showing me off. There's no way I'll be able to manage any kind of play if I'm not doing better by then. I could still watch but really that's not nearly as much fun!! I'd like to see Sir be able to play, regardless of how I'm doing. I'll admit to being curious about watching Him in action.

Plus, given how often I get the chance to play with others, it's only fair that He takes advantage of the opportunity to play freely. As long as He's happy and enjoying Himself, I'm happy. :)

So we're crossing our fingers and hoping for the best!!

Sir is away this week for job related reasons. I was going to be on the receiving end of something fun, interesting, and kinky. I found this out right after I told Him that my back was bothering me something awful. My body is looking to ruin all of my fun this week! I can't kneel or bend or extend my arms or lift anything remotely heavy or twist my body. You don't realize how much you depend on your back for everything until it starts to hurt.

Other than this minor setback, we're good. I convinced Sir to come over some time to help me paint. See, my distractions give us a reason to spend time together! I've been busy picking out colors. And no, I won't be painting with my back as it is. I know better. It'll be in May when I decide to do a painting day. It'll be a nice vanilla project to do together. :)

Safewords

A post over on FL had me thinking about safewords and the responsibility of all the people participating in a scene. The post can be found here. I thought it was very well said, given that safewords cause many who use them to be looked down upon. Oh the leaders of community talk a good game, no doubt. "These are the [standard] safewords. Play safe!" The truth is I've never seen someone safeword out of a scene. I have heard an occasional "yellow" but it's been a rarity. I've heard protests ignored as people were coerced to play with implements and in ways they very obviously didn't feel comfortable with.

I've had my safeword unheard at a friend's party. Because he brought out an object that causes very terrible things to my head space and other people had to explain quite loudly that it was an extremely hard limit for me. I've had someone interrupt my conversation with Sir to discuss said limit-object and was outright ignored. Apparently I was supposed to leave if I didn't like it. Then I had to explain why it was such a hard limit to have the person stop talking about it.

I've also been in a mindset where I couldn't safeword. I couldn't even form coherent sentences but only noises. Someone interrupted the scene I was in and because I was only making noises, no one thought there was any problem. Sir could tell you otherwise, from conversations after that. But no one stopped anything, not even Sir. He wasn't aware there was a problem. I think I may have managed a "No" and "Stop" but those aren't "standard" safewords. I also don't know if I said them loud enough to be heard because it was at a party.

I'm pretty sure Sir will never let anyone ever interrupt a scene or play again without my or His consent. Hopefully we all learned from that night. This is why there's so much noise about never putting yourself in someone else's scene. Because while it may not be a limit and even enjoyable, there was no negotiation or consent given. It's also never a good idea to surprise your sub or bottom with an additional person in your scene (unless that's something you've talked about, including the specific person or persons).

I have been in plenty of head space's where I couldn't have fathomed to utter my safeword. Why? Because sub space is one interesting place where reason and coherency often don't exist. I'll also admit that I have on occasion taken more than I could handle in terms of pain because I didn't want to use my safeword. I wanted to be stronger, better, more pleasing. I wanted to give the Top freedom to hurt me as much and as hard as they wanted.

I know my readers are mainly those who play with their significant others. I doubt many of you play in public or private events. That's fine and to each their own. But these situations can occur in your own bedroom too. I'm sure subs can attest to not being very coherent during play. Or taking more than they may have wanted in order to please their partner.

Safewords are not the answer to keeping a scene 100% safe. There is no such thing in BDSM. We play to hurt. We play to poke at wounds of all types. We play with power exchanges that are so deep it's frightening. These are inherently unsafe. We use safewords, or their equivalent of a motion, to make things safer. We get to know each other on complex and deep levels so to have a better understanding of what exactly is being exposed during play. These are necessary steps to make harm less likely, but not impossible.


So for you Doms, Tops, Masters, etc: Safewords are NOT the end-all, be-all!!!!

If you see your bottom, sub, slave is incoherent and deep in subspace, be careful how you tread from that point forward. That's on you to be aware of the signs when that occurs. This is not a time to push limits, unless you negotiated that prior to the scene starting. That is the time to watch every movement and know how to read the person in front of you. It would be better for you to wind down the scene if you're uncertain, then go forward and do damage to the other person. Because that is playing safer.

It's on everyone in a scene and while playing to keep things safe. It's why I believe safewords, verbal and non, are important. I know people who don't play with them, but I never play without one because 98% I've used one, it's had the desired effect. It's one more way to protect myself and those involved from unintentional harm. But in no way should safewords be used as the sole protection from harm in a scene.

Ending the year with a bang

WOW!!!

I thought the weekend was amazing. New years eve topped that by a long shot!!

To explain my last post a bit, and the "strange woman". I had a friend come up to spend the night. She's really cool and definitely added to the fun of the night. So she crashed in my bed because it's a King and there's plenty of room. However, a strange person in bed always causes me to sleep restlessly.

I highly doubt I'll be able to sleep whenever He and I spend that first night together. I'm all too aware of another person moving. Though He may have me snuggled too close for either of us to move, heh.

I had some marks from the weekend. Nice little bruises. I played with a lot of people that night. Given that it was at my house, I ended up the demo Top and bottom for a number of scenes. Yes folks, I can Top if necessary. It's not really my thing, but the two guys really enjoyed themselves.

I bottomed for two scenes...well, bottomed for one with K.

The other scene was with Sir. Mmmmmmm!! That was not bottoming. That was submitting. Big difference, lol.

Now to give you some insight into Him and I, we've been fairly reserved in public together. People have seen and commented on the energy between us. However, given we were still figuring things out, we kept ourselves as just friends and our actions further reflected that.

New years eve changed all of that. It was something we discussed ahead of time. He would be a bit more possessive of me. The physical and emotional distance would be removed. I'm sure it surprised a few people and I wouldn't doubt thoughts are stirring in people's minds.

We cuddled and snuggled in front of everyone for half the night. For which I was naked, though that's not surprising to our friends. That I stayed clothed as long as I did NYE was a surprise honestly. But the sexy cocktail dress needed to be shown off. :-D

Sir and I also scened, in front of people. A first for us. (We played privately over the weekend while people were upstairs.)

I have a larger number of bruises now. Heh, we found out I can orgasm from being hit in a very specific spot: the underside of my ass right where it meets my thighs. He made me cum with the cane over the weekend and a belt on NYE.

Mmmmm, I am a fan of the belt!!! Especially when He uses it on me!!

The floggers and crop were also nice.

Things got really interesting when He turned me around though. We were playing on the host's cross on NYE. When we locked eyes, two very different sides came out of us. The "Hunter" emerged from Him. This time there was no fear and shaking...

I laughed. Yeah...laughed when He hit me. Not because I thought the situation was funny, nor was I disrespecting Him.

He brought out the side that delights in the pain. It rarely makes an appearance but there wasn't a sub before Him. More like a wild creature that He was taming. It's intense to watch, from what I've been told.

Actually, a female friend of ours was watching our scene and became quite concerned for me. She'd never seen me play that hard before and was worried that Sir was hitting me too hard. But a few friends explained that as long as I wasn't saying my safe word, then there was nothing anyone could do. Not to mention that different people can handle different types of pain.

Monday night, I needed Sir to hurt me. I didn't want the nice and gentle side that I love dearly. That was for later in the night. On that cross, I needed Him to hurt me. Mark me. Tear me down to bare open all that I am.

Then cuddle me for the next three hours, LOL!!!

I'm still flying pretty damn high from that night. Crossing my fingers and hoping I don't crash from this. If I do, let it be next week when I can see Him again.

We're doing a vanilla movie/dinner night. Going to see Les Miserables next Wednesday. Should be a very nice time. :)

Holidays

I hope everyone had a happy holiday, whichever you may celebrate!!

I've been busy and a little uninspired to write.

June, I did see your comment. I'm just terrible at responding sometimes. Hope you and your family had a wonderful Christmas!!

He and I are good. Back to where we should be. There was never any danger of us not being okay. Just some stumbling blocks as we sorted out our own minds, and figured out how to better express things directly. Still working on that latter part...

So yes I've been busy. Holidays and all that. I'm also having a few people over on this weekend. Some play, if people want to, with food and socializing. Maybe break out cards against humanity and Uno, because that's always fun.

Too bad this is a "dry" party because drinking and Uno is hysterical. Another time when people aren't playing.

I'm able to see Him over the weekend as well as new years eve. I'm very excited! Especially since last night we were discussing details to play. It should be a lot of fun and I'll share what He allows me. LOL

New years eve does involve alcohol. I'll be having rum and coke...I already warned Him that I'm a very snuggling drunk. Pretty damn silly as well. I'm sure He'll be amused, heh.

So that's what has been going on here. I'll keep y'all updated on fun happenings over the next few days!